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Original poster

Is he ashamed of me?!

59 replies

Alecop74 · 28/02/2022 08:10

Hi all,
I’ve been with my partner for 4 months now and everything has been absolutely great and we’ve become quite Serious very fast
He’s met my daughter (she’s 9) and they get on really well.
He’s going through quite a nasty divorce (separated for over 2 years) and has 3 children from his marriage - 22 yo girl, 19 yo boy and 16 yo girl. Whilst I’m okay that I haven’t met them yet I mentioned to him the other day that I was quite nervous about meeting them - his response was “I can’t really foresee a time when you would meet them anyway” I asked him to expand and he said well it’s not like we’ll be going to family parties or anything (because he wouldn’t be going where his ex is!) and I said “what so I never meet your children?” And I told him that that wasn’t right and he would have to instigate and facilitate the meeting - so ask them if they would like to meet me! If they say no then that’s fine!
Then yesterday on a day out, we were walking holding hands and he bumped into an old friend, he let go of my hand and a chat with this friend and the friends wife, he left me standing there and didn’t introduce me! I told him it was really rude and he apologised
Now I’m worried if he’s not ever going to integrate me into his life fully - EVER?!
Is he ashamed of me?! I’m definitely not ugly 😄 (even if I say so myself)
What should I do?!
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2022 11:02

Echoing as others have said.

And also that I'd be wary of anyone who claimed to be having a nasty, prolonged divorce with someone they'd been with for such a long time.
Let alone someone who decided to start dating again before sorting that shit out.

I wouldn't trust a word out of his mouth tbh. I also wonder if he 'love bombed' you in thr beginning as this all seems too much for just 4 months in.

Garysmum · 28/02/2022 11:52

@jimpamdwight

It's been 4 months... I've been with my partner 3 years post divorce and he's only just starting to get to know my children and doesn't even stay at my house yet! Why are you in such a rush?!
Whilst I agree about the being in a rush comment and 4 months being so soon, it's also not a moral high ground competition about doing things the slowest way either.

There are no hard and fast rules about introducing partners/boyfriends/girlfriends/people you are dating to children but I always think a bit of caution goes a long way. Children need to adjust the parental separation and ideally have a spell of settled time when both parents are living separately. After this I think is a better time to introduce a new partner. That might be after a year of a relationship, 2 years etc. Staying over is of course another matter.

Back to OP - It's odd about the hand dropping. There could be a number of explanations. It does sound more like he hasn't been separated for that long. Of course with a messy divorce he wouldn't want anything getting back to the ex.
I think you need to take a step back from this man. Either he's in a position to date properly or he's not. For your sake too - you deserve to be with someone who will integrate you into their life when the time is right. Whilst I would politely suggest that it's far too soon for that, his behaviour suggest he's not in for that type of relationship but I won't speculate as to why.

Catrice · 28/02/2022 12:03

I would seriously suspect he is not all he seems. The word 'liar' springs to mind.
Sorry op. Take it from one who's been there. As for introducing your daughter, that is entirely your own right. Just be aware that the relationship may not be all it seems and proceed cautiously

BabyTurtIe · 28/02/2022 12:07

Waiting for the drip feed from the op to say they’ve only been together for 4 months but she’s know him for years and years, which always happens on these threads when people are criticised for introducing a partner so quick and is obviously a lie

PeakyBlender · 28/02/2022 13:21

4 months! It's too soon

Pebbledashery · 28/02/2022 13:26

You have no concept of boundaries. 4 months is no time.

AubadeIsIt · 28/02/2022 13:43

Please don't feel guilty about introducing your boyfriend to your daughter, after all the blunt, judgemental comments you've received on this thread. He's not moving in or adopting her, as far as I can gather.
If he isn't lying, he's been separated for TWO years (not 'still married' as some on here have rushed to say), so dropping your hand in front of a friend is bullshit, sorry, and has nothing to do with being a good father or avoiding ex wife drama. And saying you'll never meet his children (instead of ´when its right for you to meet them'), is also bullshit. If you want this relationship to be serious, you need to uphold standards and be strong enough to walk if his actions don't coalesce. Best of luck

Original poster
Alecop74 · 28/02/2022 14:10

Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m not taking notice of the negative judgemental comments - thank you for the sensible answer

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 28/02/2022 14:12

@Alecop74

Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m not taking notice of the negative judgemental comments - thank you for the sensible answer
‘Sensible answer’ = one person thinks it’s ok.
namechangerqwerty · 28/02/2022 14:19

Hi op, I don't think it's wrong of you to have introduced them.
Tbh I think he needs to be more honest with you. I suspect he just feels really awkward & it's not necessarily that he's ashamed of you, more that he's embarrassed by the circumstances. He probably doesn't know how to explain things to his more distant friends.
He owes you an explanation though so you can he prepared when you're out in public together.

stripeyflowers · 28/02/2022 14:43

Basically what's already been said - if you've actually known him for just four months then you hardly know him at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2022 15:01

@Alecop74

Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m not taking notice of the negative judgemental comments - thank you for the sensible answer
Oh dear op. Kinda pointless posting then wasn't it if you didn't actually want other peoples opinions.
ByHook0rByCrook · 28/02/2022 15:04

Are you sure he's actually divorced?

stripeyflowers · 28/02/2022 15:12

@Alecop74

Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m not taking notice of the negative judgemental comments - thank you for the sensible answer
What is negative and judgmental about stating the categorically obvious facts that four months into a relationship you can't know each other well enough to call them 'partner' or introduce them to your little child?
ChickenStripper · 28/02/2022 15:21

“I can’t really foresee a time when you would meet them anyway”

I would think some more about this @Alecop74.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/02/2022 15:23

It’s too early for this. Talk about it after a year.

It sounds like he’s been a bit rude and you’ve been a bit pushy.

NamelessGirl96 · 28/02/2022 16:37

Speaking as the adult daughter in a similar situation, I'd expect if they do know about you at all then his response tells you everything you need to know really.

They aren't young "children", more so young adults, and they have probably made it predominantly clear they aren't interested in forming a relationship with you.

It is nothing personal but from my stance, I feel that my father's relationship/ life separate from my mother is none of my business, I'd have no interest at all in meeting you, especially after just 4 months.

Personally, I'd leave the "meeting the children" conversation until he/they approaches you. Nothing good will come from you pushing.

Onthedunes · 28/02/2022 17:09

He sounds like he's more ashamed of himself.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 17:17

Have you met any of his friends or family?

I'd put some distance between him and your daughter as an absolute minimum. He's not as committed as you are yet and he's a prick for agreeing to meet your child if he can't envisage a long term future.

crosbystillsandmash · 28/02/2022 18:02

@Alecop74

Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m not taking notice of the negative judgemental comments - thank you for the sensible answer
Wow. Your poor dd with that naive, totally selfish attitude of yours. What you don't like posters with experience telling you not to introduce your date (he's hardly a partner at 4 months!) to your child? Why bother posting?

He's not ashamed of you. He's married and ashamed of himself, I'm astounded you can't see that, it's so obvious!

Opentooffers · 28/02/2022 18:03

I'd wonder if he was actually separated. Clearly he bumped into someone who thinks he's still with his wife, so he dropped your hand like a hot potato. I hope you have been to his place so you know he lives alone.
It's possible that they were joint friends of he and his wife who aren't in the loop, but in that case, he should of set them straight and it was rude of him not to - perhaps its been much less than 2 years if they don't know.

Pinkgin9 · 28/02/2022 18:05

My boyfriend is 48 and I'm 33. He has no relationship with his family but texts one of his 24 year old children. I have been phone introduced to his cousins and he calls me his girlfriend to friends we see out and about .

He split from the ex 3 years ago and she's still allover his Facebook. He still has single up and no photos of us. I hinted at changing it but he wasn't interested. Claimed he hated Facebook and our relationship was nothing to do with it.

My gut has always told me he has a wall up. We started talking in November 2020. We had a break from March to July 21. Then we got together properly in August 2021. Whilst I have all these strong feelings and we've both stated we are in love. I know I'm still not in the same place his Ex was yet.... the reasons being, they had 9 years together. She met his family before he fell out with them. They shared holidays. They were able to move in together straight away as she had a mortgage and he just moved in and started paying. They bought dogs and did up their garden. He bought her flowers and bracelets and was earning £3500 a month.

When he met me he was skint and depressed. He's building up again. I'm yet to get my first bunch of flowers and for everyone to class us as an official couple. But it's simply moving at a slow pace because of the place we were at when we met.

I understand how you feel. I believe sometimes people just don't detach from the past without pain that lingers. Perhaps he's sure about you. But the thought of his grown up kids meeting you is nerve racking. Because it's a huge deal for all of you. I haven't introduced My kids to mine yet. Because we are moving so slowly. I need more evidence first. But also I'm enjoying this stage in a way.
I think he's struggling to feel comfortable moving on publicly. That's nothing against you. Its perhaps just having to explain and change who he's been for so long. I remember already feeling my boyfriends Ex was never going to bugger off. I was walking through town with him for the first time and he saw a lad he knew. That lad was like oh you was with that blonde bird last time I saw you. He awkwardly said no no this is my new misses and introduced us. He wasn't embarrassed but it still made me sad that people hadn't forgotten his last gf. I've got a long way to go before we are seen as one like they were.

spacehardware · 28/02/2022 18:09

You've gone a bit fast snd his caution is more appropriate, but this

"his response was “I can’t really foresee a time when you would meet them anyway”"

suggests he doesn't see your relationship as ever being more serious. He may change his mind (my husband did) but be prepared for the fact he won't

OnlyAFleshWound · 28/02/2022 18:10

So weird. Whereas if you were "ugly" it would be totally understandable, right?

GinGym · 28/02/2022 18:58

Seriously not getting these judgemental comments. 4 months or not, it us up to the OP to decide when she introduces her child to someone who is in her life. Where is the rule book? Oh, I forgot, there isn't one!!!!

Personally I would not be happy OP and would ask why no intro to children or the friends you bumped into.