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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

56 replies

Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 14:47

Basically I dated a guy for a month who then told me he didn’t want a relationship, like the idiot I am I hung about for two years just seeing him casually as I had strong feelings for him (he would tell me he didn’t want a relationship I know it’s partly my fault) when he was with me I couldn’t believe he didn’t feel the same with how he acted then he would go away and act like I didn’t exist, he would randomly come back and be nice to me for a week or a few days then go away again and repeat when he felt like it. he would say things like he was proud of me and he missed me etc but then in a few days retract it and say things like he didn’t miss me that much? He would say little things to upset me and I would ask why he would do that and he would say to get a reaction out of me? He would say things then when I questioned him he’d say he was just joking.He also told me his ex left him because he made her depression worse, which I guess I should of seen as a red flag? I found out in the last week he has a new girlfriend and I honestly feel heartbroken after he’s spent two years telling me he didn’t want a relationship. My question really does it sound like I’ve been gaslighted? Or did he just act that way because he didn’t want me. I’m probably being stupid and just not wanting to accept it but obviously am hurt by it all. Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
silkypancakes · 27/02/2022 14:49

He just sounds like an unpleasant man with no morals, and a bad attitude to women. I think you can do better.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 14:54

He would also say things then deny saying them then switch it on me- for example he cancelled a date because he had a dodgy stomach then when I brought it upto him he said he had a cold and I said that that’s not what he said? And he said he’s pretty sure it is and then said anyway none of it matters you clearly don’t want to talk to me. That’s gaslighting right?

OP posts:
merryhouse · 27/02/2022 14:59

That's not gaslighting.

He told you he didn't want a relationship but kept coming back - that's still not gaslighting. It's being frank that he's in it for the sex.

He really hasn't covered himself in glory, but that's practically the definition of such interactions.

merryhouse · 27/02/2022 15:01

Ok cross-post. That bit definitely sounds like he was trying to keep you on the back foot.

Learn from this. No matter how great a man seems, if he says he doesn't want a relationship you're not going to get one.

MunchyMonsters · 27/02/2022 15:01

Honestly OP, I don't think it matters at this point.

Though fwiw yes, some of his behaviours sound like gaslighting.

However, you need to look at why you were happy to be strung along by a man that treated you like that. He treated you so badly Flowers

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 27/02/2022 15:04

He told you what kind of person he was from the outset. On some level you chose this. You could've put a stop to these shenanigans from the outset.
Sorry it is all shit. He wasn't that into you. Simply put.
You have no other option to move on and learn from it. You are worth more.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 15:11

Sometimes you can’t help but blame yourself can you and it’s hard to see what kind of person they are when you’re blinded by feelings.

OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 27/02/2022 16:22

Does it matter? Forget about him, focus on yourself and what you want, and move on.

ScreamingBeans · 27/02/2022 16:27

I would ask yourself why you had such strong feeling for someone who treated you like shit.

If someone treats me like shit, I dislike them intensely.

which is a healthy response, but it took me years to get here.

I'd suggest you go to counselling to find out why you have such low self-esteem that you don't dislike a man who treats you like shit. The only strong feelings you should be having for a man who treats you like this, are negative, not positive.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 16:47

Well when a man confuses me, meets my family and says all these things it’s easy to fall for. I suffer with depression and have actually booked in for therapy. I didn’t come on here to be bashed I came on here in hopes to get some advice, not to be made to feel worse.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 27/02/2022 16:52

Well but he told you he didn’t want a relationship??

TinaTurtle · 27/02/2022 16:59

It is his behaviour that has confused you. That's perfectly understandable. I think it's really admirable that you are seeking therapy. His behaviour isn't your fault but great that you are reaching out for help in dealing with things and being more resilient. Good luck.

Brakebackcyclebot · 27/02/2022 17:01

Your second post describes gaslighting OP.

Your first post describes a complete arse, and you deserve better.

TinaTurtle · 27/02/2022 17:03

PS it's also perfectly understandable to be upset and hurt that he is seeing someone else. But hopefully the PPs have helped you see that you are much much better off.

Clarice99 · 27/02/2022 17:17

@Anniewayte91

Well when a man confuses me, meets my family and says all these things it’s easy to fall for. I suffer with depression and have actually booked in for therapy. I didn’t come on here to be bashed I came on here in hopes to get some advice, not to be made to feel worse.
Hi OP, I didn't read the replies as 'bashing'. Just honest opinions.

I don't think there's much advice to give. He sounds like an asshole, you're better off without him and you can do better.

Therapy/working on building your self esteem will be a good investment Flowers

LadyLolaRuben · 27/02/2022 17:25

Its not gaslighting but I'm sorry OP he's used you when he wanted his ego stroked. Please don't interact with him again Flowers

ScreamingBeans · 27/02/2022 17:47

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was bashing you, just being honest and trying to be straightforward.

I'd ask yourself why you interpret brisk advice as bashing, while interpreting actual bashing from a man, as acceptable behaviour.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 17:50

Pardon me for wanting to get some advice on here instead of being reminded about my low self esteem which I am quite aware of. I’m sure every single woman has had their heart broken at some point and wanted to vent about it.

OP posts:
bluedodecagon · 27/02/2022 17:53

Was thinking the same thing.

bluedodecagon · 27/02/2022 17:54

As @ScreamingBeans I mean. If you punish people for honesty, all you are left with is liars.

Lunde · 27/02/2022 18:06

He is playing headgames with you. You need to stay away and allow yourself to recover and move on to something better

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 18:24

I never called anyone a liar just it maybe came across as a little harsh, the wording that is. I’m well aware of my self esteem issues that isn’t what I asked for advice on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 18:25

I have started to slowly realise it is head games, I don’t think it’s normal to tell someone they miss them so much to only the next day say they didn’t miss me that much. I know I need to recover as it has messed with my head massively

OP posts:
layladomino · 27/02/2022 19:04

He told you, plainly, that he didn't want a relationship. Because you liked him, you overlooked that and looked for the small signs that he liked you. So you were willing to believe him when he said he'd missed you, and overlooked the fact he was still telling you he didn't want a relationship.

At best, he liked you but not enough to want a proper relationship, and he wasn't capable of treating you kindly. He used you and messed you around.

At worst, he messed with your head on purpose. (I suspect it's this).

Always remember that if someone wants to be with you, they make it absolutely clear. No questions. No games. No 'are they, aren't there?'. No confusion. If you aren't sure how the other person feels, they aren't that in to you.

You deserve better.

RantyAunty · 27/02/2022 19:19

Sorry you got zapped by one of the many sociopathic manipulative head fucks out there.

Glad you're getting therapy.
Might do some reading up on predatory men to know what to watch for when dating.