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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

56 replies

Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 14:47

Basically I dated a guy for a month who then told me he didn’t want a relationship, like the idiot I am I hung about for two years just seeing him casually as I had strong feelings for him (he would tell me he didn’t want a relationship I know it’s partly my fault) when he was with me I couldn’t believe he didn’t feel the same with how he acted then he would go away and act like I didn’t exist, he would randomly come back and be nice to me for a week or a few days then go away again and repeat when he felt like it. he would say things like he was proud of me and he missed me etc but then in a few days retract it and say things like he didn’t miss me that much? He would say little things to upset me and I would ask why he would do that and he would say to get a reaction out of me? He would say things then when I questioned him he’d say he was just joking.He also told me his ex left him because he made her depression worse, which I guess I should of seen as a red flag? I found out in the last week he has a new girlfriend and I honestly feel heartbroken after he’s spent two years telling me he didn’t want a relationship. My question really does it sound like I’ve been gaslighted? Or did he just act that way because he didn’t want me. I’m probably being stupid and just not wanting to accept it but obviously am hurt by it all. Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 19:27

I think you’re right, people know what they’re doing don’t they. I’m sure he knew and maybe got some kind of kick out of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 19:28

Do you think it sounds manipulative? I never thought of it that way

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 27/02/2022 19:56

Yes, it's manipulative.
Remember back when you first started talking, what did you both say you were looking for?

SD1978 · 27/02/2022 20:04

It's not gaslighting, he's just a dick. You were told, repeatedly, he didn't want a relationship, but for two years you were happy to have sex with him. He now does want a relationship, which isn't a reflection on you, but you need to cut off contact and move on

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 20:07

He’s just all round bad news.

Don’t date at all until you’ve improved your ‘shark cage’.

Having feelings for someone is no reason to put up with bad treatment.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 27/02/2022 20:26

He actually told me he was wanting to settle down with somebody when we first met and then said months later that by the time that happens he thinks I will be settled down already. So yeah I see now that is manipulative you’re right. He also made a comment how he was fucked in the head so I guess I should of opened my eyes sooner.

OP posts:
silkypancakes · 28/02/2022 09:06

OP any harshness you hear from posters here is directed at him, not you. It upsets everyone that men are like this and that you— who sound a nice and emotionally present person— would (like so many posters and women) not be treated in a good way. I think we all wish you were being cooked a nice meal and listened to, made to feel secure.

When I started posting here I detested the advice to get comfortable in myself and not need any man. I was so lonely it seemed impossible, the opposite of what I wanted, so lonely and desperate was I. But they are right. When you can learn to see yourself as a truly precious person who deserves to feel happy you will stop engaging with men and situations like this.

Flowers
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 28/02/2022 09:31

I know everyone posting on this thread is right. I guess I’m naive to the fact there are in fact horrible people in world. It has just messed my head up massively

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 28/02/2022 09:46

I think you need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself. You're still wasting brainspace on him, why he did what he did, was it gaslighting, was it manipulation, etc.

He's not worth your thoughts. All your energy needs to go into you. Don't waste any of it on him.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 28/02/2022 10:22

If I could just switch my brain off I wouldn’t of posted on this thread in the first place

OP posts:
me4real · 28/02/2022 10:48

Sounds like a psycho who enjoys hurting people @Anniewayte91 , and yes, manipulative. Everything he did was designed to mess with you, hurt you, and/or keep you keen.

Well done for starting to recognize what he was like.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 28/02/2022 12:54

It just takes time to see doesn’t it, can be blinded so easily and it takes outsiders to tell you how it is. I think there is something off about him in general so maybe a lucky escape

OP posts:
me4real · 28/02/2022 16:26

Yes, you'll think of more stuff over time in my experience. It should all help you avoid wrong'uns in future, as you'll learn more about what's not ok.

The Freedom Programme is great freedomprogramme.co.uk/ They're running a lot of courses over Zoom, and maybe will start doing stuff in person again now.

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 28/02/2022 21:08

What did you find was off about him? Were the signs there or did it show Gradually?
Strange how he said he wanted to settle down then string you along for 2 yrs. Sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 28/02/2022 21:36

In the first few weeks he told me that his ex left him because he made her depression worse which I guess was an odd thing to say? He also said he was fucked in the head which I obviously chose to ignore and just the little gaslighting things, denying he said things and then turning comments he had made around on me. Telling me how proud he was of me one day then acting like I didn’t exist the next, as I’m writing this I feel genuinely stupid. He’d be ok one minute then it was like a switch had a flipped and he acted cold towards me and denied it

OP posts:
wheresmyshoe · 28/02/2022 21:38

He's a bellend who kept you hungry for praise and approval. You're worth more than that, delete, block and move towards a happier future.

Bibonelove · 28/02/2022 22:23

I get you , Ive just been through a year and a half of it, we would have a really nice time together then he would go cold ,and tell me things like i ruin everything blah blah! then full on again ,ect i didnt know if it was me ir him who was the nut in the end my head was a mess, i just wanted to believe he was the person id made him up to be in my head , i have been through a couple of abusive relationships in the past though, i think some of the comnents are really insensitive , just want to be happy, sorry we are unlucky enough to have to deal with these creatures!!! I keep seeing a saying lately , when he shows you who he is believe him!! So yess sounds like good advice to me 💐

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 01/03/2022 10:32

It’s awful isn’t it, he would say things like if he wanted a relationship then yes we could have one, it just messes with your head doesn’t it and it’s easy for people to say move on etc but it’s easier said than done. I was also in a really abusive relationship before him so unsure why I couldn’t spot the signs before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 01/03/2022 10:33

Hopefully I start to realise that. I have just put all the blame on myself when In fact he obviously didn’t care about upsetting me. I guess he knew he was being up and down and wasn’t bothered

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 01/03/2022 10:44

He tells you all the bad things about himself at the start so that he can justify his behaviour to himself thinking ‘well I warned her! What else did she expect?’

Then he can mess with you all he wants for years, act like your boyfriend etc telling you how much he cares but when he ultimately leaves you he will always tell himself he was honest with you from the start. (He’s wrong btw it’s still arsehole behaviour and super manipulative, he knows exactly what he’s doing!)

If you learn to spot the red flags and work on your self esteem you will hopefully be better protected in future from being a victim of this sort of person.

GrammarTool · 01/03/2022 10:46

OP you could also try www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
The advice you find there helped me to hone my dickhead radar.

wheresmyshoe · 01/03/2022 10:48

The high highs and low lows of relationships like this mess with your head in a real way, they affect your brain chemistry and stress hormone responses. I'm not being flippant by saying leave him, I've been in a relationship like this and I know the pattern all too well. Normal every day kind words feel amplified and amazing because he's got you on a rollercoaster of emotions. Some people are just plain horrible, not damaged or fucked up, just plain horrible.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 01/03/2022 11:22

I get that completely but obviously I blame myself because I kept going back didn’t I. He would always say that he told me he was a c u next Tuesday. I even asked him to block me so I couldn’t contact him and he would just say why would I block you you’ve done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 01/03/2022 11:24

We wasn’t actually in a relationship though but do you think that’s where he justified his behaviour because he told me he didn’t want one? So I’m his head it was fine because he told me that? I’ve been seriously ill the past year having all sorts of tests done and I’m starting to think it’s just the stress of this man.

OP posts:
wheresmyshoe · 01/03/2022 11:37

Don't be hard on yourself, see him as a toxic addiction, take back your power and you delete and block. My dreadful stomach aches cleared up when I was free, I wasn't gluten intolerant I was dickhead intolerant, they were due to the constant state of stress and anxiety he had me in.