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Original poster

I still live with my parents, struggling with the messy/dirty house

60 replies

okayletsgo · 27/02/2022 12:36

I'm in my 20s and I still live with my parents, so do my other adult siblings. I get on well with my parents and I'm happy being at home most of the time, and my parents are happy to have me at home.

However one thing I have struggled with since I was a child is the mess and dirt of the house. I remember as a child I would clean the bathroom, living room and kitchen to try and keep it clean/liveable but it would just get messy again within hours so I eventually gave up. I kind of accepted that my parents were overwhelmed raising us children and it would get better as we grew older. But it's still the same. Even now as an adult I rarely bother cleaning the communal spaces (e.g. kitchen, bathroom). I'll clean up after myself but I don't exert any extra effort to clean up after my family members as it's just a waste of time.

I keep my bedroom clean and tidy and stay in there as much as possible. But I want to start eating healthier and a huge barrier to that is I avoid cooking in our kitchen as much as possible. There's usually no clear counter space, or when there is clear counter space I get put off by how filthy the kitchen is.

The kitchen often has plates with food left overnight, so you'll come downstairs to make breakfast and there'll be plates of last night's dinner sitting on the side. There's often full food waste bags sitting on the counter which smell awful. If anyone cooks it's all just left as a mess - for example today there are egg shells just left on the kitchen counter after someone cooked eggs.

The bathroom has mould, nail clippings, hairs from shaving, etc. It also often has dead flies and moths and dust on the counters until I clean it.

It feels like everyone in my family is just asleep/unconscious to it. I have brought it up gently (as I don't want to be seen as nagging) but my family has been like this my entire life so I don't think it will ever change. It feels hurtful as it feels like nobody cares about each other, there's just no respect.

I know the answer is to move out and I will, but if I'm being honest I'm struggling with my mental health at the moment and I need to be around family and with some kind of stability.

I don't know whether to just accept that I want to live in a clean house and that's not important for the rest of my family, so I'll have to take the full responsibility of cleaning it at all times. Or just give up and accept nothing will change and just try and ignore the mess as much as possible. I also don't know what's normal vs not normal, maybe it is normal to have a messy house and I'm OTT with wanting it to be cleaner.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
SamphiretheStickerist · 27/02/2022 12:39

You say that being with family is good for your mental health at the moment.

It is equally possible that living with them is at least part of the cause of your problems.

Move out. See how it feels.

Floralnomad · 27/02/2022 12:40

This will not be helping your mental health , find somewhere else to live ASAP . You will not change the way your family live if it’s been like it for years .

SauerKraut2 · 27/02/2022 12:41

So who do you think should be doing it?

Faaather · 27/02/2022 12:44

Honestly, if it’s not up to your standards, you should move it.

How much do you pay your parents in rent? Could you add the price of a cleaner on top?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/02/2022 12:45

You are not OTT on wanting everything to be clean but you can only control what you do. So if you can't move out I would blitz the kitchen before I cook and the bathroom before I wash. Cleaning will make you feel better.

Often MH problems are inherited so do your parents suffer with it and can't keep ontop of the house or are they just unhygienic? Your siblings have been raised the same way but probably don't care about the mess.

Do you pay room and board? If so discuss with your parents that you'll take over the cleaning for a deduction of your keep.

2ndBorn · 27/02/2022 12:47

Going to my mums house depresses me, there’s noway I could live there. Luckily I moved out when I was 21, it’s not changed. She also doesn’t work now, there is literally no excuse. It’s just grim!
Nothing I say can change things so it is what it is and I’ll keep my distance from it.
Can you move out? Nothing will change.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 27/02/2022 12:47

But that's what cleaning is, you clean, it gets messy so you clean again. I understand you not wanting to be the only one who cleans so you need to either address it with your family or find your own place.

Communal areas in a house with multiple adults will need cleaning by someone every day and kitchen will need washing up and surface wipes throughout the day. That's just the way it is.

layladomino · 27/02/2022 12:49

It sounds really hard, and I don't think this will be helping your MH at all. If you're able to, then I'd suggest moving out. You can still keep in close contact with your family but you will be in control of your space. Is it affordable to move out?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/02/2022 12:50

A messy house and a dirty house are too different things.

Im messy, I wash and iron the clothes but often leave them on top of the drawers. My bathroom might have things on the surfaces but shower screen, bath and toilet are cleaned everyday.
Hoovering is done everyday, polishing once a week, so the surfaces might end up cluttered but they are polished and free from dust. Bins taken out as needed and kitchen worktops wiped after meals.
Surfaces get blitzed on a Friday and everything in the wrong room returned to where its meant to be.

So mid week my house is often messy but it's clean iykwim.

SauerKraut2 · 27/02/2022 12:50

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

You are not OTT on wanting everything to be clean but you can only control what you do. So if you can't move out I would blitz the kitchen before I cook and the bathroom before I wash. Cleaning will make you feel better.

Often MH problems are inherited so do your parents suffer with it and can't keep ontop of the house or are they just unhygienic? Your siblings have been raised the same way but probably don't care about the mess.

Do you pay room and board? If so discuss with your parents that you'll take over the cleaning for a deduction of your keep.

Should it be the parents’ job when everyone in the house Is an adult? This is becoming such a frequent problem...
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/02/2022 12:50

Ugh two different things

beck01 · 27/02/2022 12:52

That would do my head.

As all of you are adults, could you chip in for a cleaner 2 hours a week? They could just do the communal spaces and everyone do their individual rooms.

I'm assuming with living like this you don't invite visitors round?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2022 12:52

Look at it this way, if you were in a house share and your housemates refused to keep it clean to a basic standard despite you asking them to clean up after themselves, would you stay there or would you look for somewhere else to live who was more on the same wavelength? These are basic values in life. Stuff like this causes more arguments, resentments and misery than anything else, I think.

I like a nice clean and tidy house but the reality is we work too much to keep it like that and I don't want my whole life to consist of work, sleep, clean. So ours certainly isn't a show home, and stuff does build up till I can have a massive clean every school holidays. But I have to have the basics day to day. I can live with a bit of dust and I can even live with dirty plates from the night before piled up next to the sink, if it's been a good night but it all got a bit late.

But when you can't find a clean space to prepare a meal, or you want to wash your own stuff after yourself and the sink is full of someone else's dirty dishes that's not on. I can't fathom the food waste bags left out stinking on the surfaces. The dead flies just ignored. Even the egg shells sitting there - why on earth not just break them into the pan then walk straight to the bin with the shell in your hand? that's what I do. They never even get put down on the worktop in the first place.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/02/2022 12:52

@sauerkraut2 no ofcourse it should be the parents job but the OP can't control what her siblings do if she hasn't got her parents backing, if the parents don't care then everytime OP cleans it's going to go back to how it was if everyone isn't on board.

morbidd · 27/02/2022 12:54

As someone who has been in exactly the same position as you, you must move out.

The messiness just won't be helping your mental health, it brings you down and makes you feel icky in your own home. You can't relax like that. You need your own space, much bigger then just your own room.

frustratedashell · 27/02/2022 12:54

Many years ago I lived with a man who's home was similar. It was awful! At the time I had depression. The state of the house made my depression worse. Luckily I had kept my own flat, and I moved back home and we split up. I would never live like that again. Get out OP, it will never change. Good luck

sweetieqie · 27/02/2022 12:55

Leave, I was in your position a few years ago. It's not worth it. For me it really affected my mental health, could never have friends around and was paranoid about smelling bad.

Really not worth it. Rent a room in a shared house if you have to.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 12:56

I know the answer is to move out and I will, but if I'm being honest I'm struggling with my mental health at the moment and I need to be around family and with some kind of stability.

Your mind is a reflection of your environment. It's no wonder you're struggling, you're living in filth. I can't even imagine living in the midst of all that.

I think being around your family is making your mental health issue worse. They are not the support you need. Move out as soon as humanly possible.

sweetieqie · 27/02/2022 12:57

But that's what cleaning is, you clean, it gets messy so you clean again. I understand you not wanting to be the only one who cleans so you need to either address it with your family or find your own place.

Leaving plates, bin bags out and nail clippings etc. Is beyond a bit of mess- it's not even mess, mess is like leaving clean laundry out. It's miserable if you've actually been in that position and frustrating.

Maui69 · 27/02/2022 13:01

I get how frustrating it may be but at the end of the day it's not your house. Your parents may be happy living in it the way it is/not have the motivation, drive or energy to keep on top of cleaning. Your not being OTT, the house does sound gross. But I suggest you move out, the flithiness of the house will not be helping your mental health in the slightest. Good luck.

burnthur5t · 27/02/2022 13:06

People like this won't change and any effort you make will be wasted as you've found out

I guess you either put up with it or move out. It sounds revolting and I wouldn't want to live there

My DH can't see mess and it does lead to arguments. What with our DD3, the DH and the cat I could dedicate my life full time to trying to keep the house nice and I'd still really struggle. Some people are messy and others aren't, I think it's very hard to change people, impossible even

AppleNo8 · 27/02/2022 13:10

It’s not normal to live like that. Move out op, it will be better for you even if you don’t think so right now. And when they come to visit you, make very sure they tidy up after themselves.

Daenerys77 · 27/02/2022 13:12

I sympathise, I could not live like that, but as you have identified, your options are to move out (ideally to somewhere near your family where you could have company and support when you needed it) or accept that you are always going to be doing most of the cleaning (this is the usual fate of the most fastidious person in any household).

FrownedUpon · 27/02/2022 13:14

Move out & get on with your life! Simple really.

euniceanddudley · 27/02/2022 13:18

I’d think about moving in you shoes OP. This won’t get better. You could find some stability in renting a room from a family.

I did that when I first left uni and moved to a city. Lodged with an Italian family - lovely people and I’m still in touch with them more than 30 years later.

You’d be a good lodger to have! Tidy and respectful.

It will be a scary step but you’ll come out the other side in a better place.