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Relationships

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Original poster

Walking in on my friends cheating on their partners - WWYD?

83 replies

Catra · 27/02/2022 01:06

Friend A has been with her partner for over a decade - they're not married and have no DC together. She's spoken to me at length about feeling unfulfilled - her partner takes her for granted and puts her down a lot, but she has such low self-esteem that she can't muster the strength to leave.

Friend B has been with his wife for a similar length of time. They have 1 young DC and I thought they were happy, even though outwardly they seem like chalk and cheese - he's loud, extrovert and over the top, whereas she is quiet, down to earth, and far more of a homely.

At another friend's recent wedding, I walked into a side room and found A & B kissing, with B's hand up A's skirt. I was so shocked that I walked straight out again and didn't say a word.

Now A is carrying on like nothing happened and B is actively avoiding me. The drinks had been flowing and I'm inclined to think it was a one-off rather than an ongoing affair, although I can't be sure.

However, I feel so bad for B's wife. She's a lovely person who would be devasted if she knew B had betrayed her. If it was me, I'd want to know if my DH had cheated and part of me feels I should tell her, but I'm closer to A than either B and B's wife, and telling the truth would feel like betraying that friendship.

WWYD in my situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

Catra · 27/02/2022 01:08

Sorry for typos, I have an eye infection and didn't proofread too well!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 01:09

You know what happens to the messenger...

Bunty55 · 27/02/2022 01:10

I would stay out of this.

FriendProblem · 27/02/2022 01:16

I asked a similar question recently on here about whether to tell someone’s wife about a friend and her husband, and the consensus was to tell her. It was horrible telling her, but I’m relieved I did.

Original poster

Catra · 27/02/2022 01:18

@FriendProblem

That must have been really tough. What was the outcome?

OP posts:

BOOTS52 · 27/02/2022 01:34

I personally would want to tell her but it will all get so messy and you will lose all friendships as the messenger always blamed. I told a friend years ago that her fella taking other girls out on his motorbike and chatting up loads, one of the girls he took out her own friends told me and I told her sister first and we told her but her fella turned her against me and in the end we all fell out as I got the blame from her fella. If it was me I would not have turned on my friend as would want to know but most will believe the man's lies and forgive and they will come up with some story that the wife/partner will sometimes believe. If it is an ongoing affair it will all come out but I would say something to your good friend A who was kissing the man. Ask her what the hell is she doing and it will all end messy.

Mammyloveswine · 27/02/2022 01:44

Erm maybe speak to your friends first?? They are both friends of yours are they not?

WomblingWilma · 27/02/2022 01:45

Hmm I think that Friend A acting as if it never happened is suspicious as assuming they saw you come in(?), I’d expect her to discuss in a mortified, please don’t tell anyone, kind of way if it was a one off drunken mistake.

Were their partners at the wedding too? Yuk, I hope he washed his hand before joining his wife if she was there too.

I couldn’t stand by while someone was made a fool of. even if not a particularly close friend so I’d have to tell her what I’d seen. I hate to think of her being blindsided if her husband decided to go off with A while I had known something was going on.

Looks like A is looking for a way out from her relationship and is not picky about married men with DC. Not the type of person I’d want in my life tbh.

Brett239 · 27/02/2022 01:47

I would 100% tell 😈

Kinko · 27/02/2022 02:29

If they know they've been caught, might they come clean themselves anyway? Maybe hang fire for a while to give them the opportunity before you make a final decision on it xx

RachHen · 27/02/2022 02:36

Tell the people shagging. Then leave it to them

TigerLilyTail · 27/02/2022 02:42

No way would I say anything to anyone.

People cheat all the time. It's none of your business.

Chilledchablis1 · 27/02/2022 02:43

Even though my then best friend had always said she would want to know if her DH cheated , when it did happen and I told her ( 100% proof and he admitted it to me) she never spoke to me again.

Elbie79 · 27/02/2022 04:19

Speak to A if she's a good friend and see what she says But really I'd stay out of it.

1forAll74 · 27/02/2022 05:06

I would always keep out of these kind of situations, and expect people to sort out their own marital or relationship problems.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 27/02/2022 05:27

@Chilledchablis1

Even though my then best friend had always said she would want to know if her DH cheated , when it did happen and I told her ( 100% proof and he admitted it to me) she never spoke to me again.

Same happened to me. I wouldn't say a word these days, leave them to it. Nobody thanks you for getting involved.

If you tell the wronged partner & she decides to stay (which most do), she will dump your friendship because you know her secret and her pride will stop her wanting to know you anymore. If you valie this friendship, I'd say nothing.

sofato5miles · 27/02/2022 05:36

I would say nothing. MN threads about this usually advise people to tell but in my experience in RL, people keep quiet. I'd stay out of it.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 27/02/2022 05:46

It's none of my business so I'd forget about it.

AllyBama · 27/02/2022 06:11

Tricky. How would you feel if you were the wife of friend B in this situation and you found out your friend knew and didn’t say anything? My instinct would probably be to want to forget about it too but easier said than done.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 27/02/2022 06:12

I wouldn’t meddle if I don’t know them very well. But if I cared for friend A a lot I would speak to her but not directly tell her. Just a vague message that I am here for her and I want to help her to get out of the tricky situation. Also make it clear that I won’t pester. Let her come to you.

But exposing everyone is blunt and does not solve the issue at hand, which is your dear friend A is hurt and she doesn’t know how to get out of the bad situation she is stuck in. A man, especially a married man, will not be her saviour.
Friend B is an asshole and cannot be changed. Kissing in the side room of a wedding? Friend B’s wife probably already knows.

Bournetilly · 27/02/2022 06:26

I’d tell them, if it happened to me I’d rather know

NaiceHamAndHugs · 27/02/2022 06:31

Depends. If they are very close friends of yours then I’d probably say something.

However, if they aren’t then I’d stay out of it. Sadly you’d probably just look like a shit stirrer.

Grasping · 27/02/2022 06:37

Why are you only mentioning tell friend B’s wife. Why not friend A’s husband?

AmberGer · 27/02/2022 06:39

I also told a close friend of mine years ago, It didn't end well for me either.
It depends how much you value these friendships.
I wish I hadn't said anything.

ilovepuppies2019 · 27/02/2022 06:51

Tough situation but surely if you don't tell and A's husband or B's wife find out that you knew then that would be friendship ending? I would be horrified I found at that one of my friends walked in on my husband cheating but didn't tell me because she didn't think it was her business.

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