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Original poster

Walking in on my friends cheating on their partners - WWYD?

83 replies

Catra · 27/02/2022 01:06

Friend A has been with her partner for over a decade - they're not married and have no DC together. She's spoken to me at length about feeling unfulfilled - her partner takes her for granted and puts her down a lot, but she has such low self-esteem that she can't muster the strength to leave.

Friend B has been with his wife for a similar length of time. They have 1 young DC and I thought they were happy, even though outwardly they seem like chalk and cheese - he's loud, extrovert and over the top, whereas she is quiet, down to earth, and far more of a homely.

At another friend's recent wedding, I walked into a side room and found A & B kissing, with B's hand up A's skirt. I was so shocked that I walked straight out again and didn't say a word.

Now A is carrying on like nothing happened and B is actively avoiding me. The drinks had been flowing and I'm inclined to think it was a one-off rather than an ongoing affair, although I can't be sure.

However, I feel so bad for B's wife. She's a lovely person who would be devasted if she knew B had betrayed her. If it was me, I'd want to know if my DH had cheated and part of me feels I should tell her, but I'm closer to A than either B and B's wife, and telling the truth would feel like betraying that friendship.

WWYD in my situation?

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 27/02/2022 06:55

Selfishly I wouldn’t want to keep their secret so I would tell and just take the consequences. I wouldn’t mind loosing a friendship over it, if they were the kind of person to loose a friend over their own embarrassment or stupidity then more fool them.

Grasping · 27/02/2022 07:00

I think not telling someone because of the ‘shoot the messenger’ mentality is shortsighted and selfish.

You should do what’s right, regardless of the impact on yourself. I didn’t and have felt guilt ever since. I think less of myself and regret my decision

AdifferentGoat · 27/02/2022 07:03

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I wouldn't say anything. Something similar happened in our friend circle and turns out the wife knew about situation and didn't appreciate being told. If indeed it's an affair, sooner or later, someone will get sloppy. Certainly if you are in the same friend circle. Also, there is the possibility it was a drunken one off (doesn't make it right but not worth uprooting lives for). Personally unless I knew the ins and outs of their respective marriages, I'd say nothing. I'm sorry you had to see that though.

Worse case scenario, send an anonymous tip but I feel the fall out would be far worse. Or if you feel strongly, confront the cheaters but the issue with this is they may become more astute with hiding what's going on (if indeed it's an affair).

Tough situation OP.

Grida · 27/02/2022 07:08

I would keep out of it. Nobody really knows what is going on in another person’s relationship.

SamuraiPizzaCats · 27/02/2022 07:16

Really depends how close you are with friend A?

If she is a very close friend, then I would ask her what the bloody hell is going on.

If you are friends but not close with any of the parties I would leave it all well alone.

It's not wrong to want to stay friends with A if you are close to her - people do stupid stuff all the time.

I would also feel bad for B's wife but if you tell her then you are likely to lose all the friendships and you don't really know what's going on behind closed doors anyway.

NobodysGonnaKnow · 27/02/2022 07:20

I’d talk to friend A and find out what’s going on.

couchparsnip · 27/02/2022 07:21

I wouldn't tell. I would speak to Friend A and find out if it's an affair or just a one-off. Then you need to weigh up if it's worth telling or not.
One of the things to consider- What would Friend A's husband do if he found out?

Sofacouchboredom · 27/02/2022 07:23

I’d tell, without a doubt, I wouldn’t care about possible outcomes for me. Cheating steals someone’s personal agency, their personal right to keep themselves safe, emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually. I’d always tell.

MsHampton · 27/02/2022 07:33

I'd talk to A too, find out what's going on. If it really was just a drunken fumble at a wedding then I don't think telling the partners helps anyone. Do you really want to put a bomb under two families for stupidity?

If it's an affair then I don't think either of them would be stupid enough to risk getting caught the way they did.

saleorbouy · 27/02/2022 07:33

Was a sit down meal? Ehew I hope it wasn't a finger buffet with friend B handling the food!

I would approach both and let them know what you saw and if you're asked by their partners you won't be lying to cover their asses.
I had a friend who persistently did this sort of thing, in the end the ultimatum was either you come clean with you DP or I will in two weeks from now. In the end they fessed up and the relationship ended.
Personally I once I've seen it it's not my perogative to provide cover.

autienotnaughty · 27/02/2022 07:44

If B'a wife is a close friend and your prepared to lose A and B I'd say something but there is a risk you'll lose B wife as well. Otherwise keep quiet.

gannett · 27/02/2022 08:04

You say you're closest to A, I'd talk to her. Deep breath and ask her what the hell's going on. Tell her she shouldn't be cheating with married men.

Then take it from there. If it was a one-off and she's remorseful I think I could stay friends and keep my mouth shut, while still making it clear to her that I wasn't a fan of that behaviour. If she's not remorseful I'd be rethinking how close I want to be to her. If it's an ongoing affair... I don't know. The right thing to do would be to give them a chance to come clean, but if they didn't then to tell their partners, but that's much easier said than done.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/02/2022 08:09

Selfishly I’d do nothing
The wife , I feel sorry for her but it’s her life and on some level she may suspect

Distance yourself a bit x

Spotsandstars · 27/02/2022 08:10

I would tell and wouldn’t hesitate.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/02/2022 08:14

Given A's husband is abusive, telling anyone potentially puts her at risk of significant harm - abusers LOVE having this kind of shit to hold over their victims for years.

I would speak to her directly and gently encourage her to leave and help her see that no man is going to be her saviour, let alone one with a wide and kids.

LetHimHaveIt · 27/02/2022 08:25

I can't see that talking to Mr and Mrs Fingerbang is going to help anything. Does no-one think it's occurred to them that OP might expose an affair but not a drunken fumble? In which case they'll probably say, if asked, that's it was a drunken fumble 🙄

clarrylove · 27/02/2022 08:25

I know someone who was in this position. She told the cheated upon wife. Wife summoned husband home from work. When he got there, she had taken her own life. Hugely affected everyone. Don't get involved!

RealBecca · 27/02/2022 08:25

I'd tell the B gently and he fence sit like nobody's business. Make it crystal clear that you support her decision entirely and wont judge her whatever she decides

Say you're just saying what you saw, you thought she should know and that you support her 100% in whatever she decides, you know that relationships are difficult and noone knows what goes on behind closed doors, theres probably a reasonable explanation. Make it as easy as possible for her to pretend it didn't happen and save face and you have a better chance of being unscathed.

Malibuismysecrethome · 27/02/2022 08:34

In my experience in real life no one tells, some may drop hints when drunk but no one actually comes out with it.

SpilltheTea · 27/02/2022 09:04

I'd be pissed if no one told me. It would be humiliating to stay with scum like that when people know the truth.

justasimplelife · 27/02/2022 09:22

It's absolutely none of your business. I have a friend that has tried to interfere in my life and my relationship with "concern for me". We have been friends for most of our lives - I'm afraid I now view her as a nosy trouble making who should keep her thoughts to herself and I don't want to see her anymore. It's peoples lives you're dealing with - not some soap opera.

Seriously- everyone who thinks the OP should tell - have you been in this position? If you haven't then keep out.

FriendProblem · 27/02/2022 09:23

That must have been really tough. What was the outcome?
OP, it was “only” a friend targeting another friend’s husband. But other posters on here encouraged me to speak to the wife and gave me some useful phrases to use. I felt awful contacting her. Luckily someone else had already told her, but she was grateful to know that she could trust me to be honest with her.

The thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4477697--Hey-you

Rosebuud · 27/02/2022 09:24

I’d absolutely not get involved here. You could end a marriage over a drunken regrettable snog. If you’re close to a then why wouldn’t you talk to her about this, rather than jump straight to I’m telling the wife?

Mintlegs · 27/02/2022 09:25

I would send a letter anonymously

Mintlegs · 27/02/2022 09:25

Maybe