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Original poster

Walking in on my friends cheating on their partners - WWYD?

83 replies

Catra · 27/02/2022 01:06

Friend A has been with her partner for over a decade - they're not married and have no DC together. She's spoken to me at length about feeling unfulfilled - her partner takes her for granted and puts her down a lot, but she has such low self-esteem that she can't muster the strength to leave.

Friend B has been with his wife for a similar length of time. They have 1 young DC and I thought they were happy, even though outwardly they seem like chalk and cheese - he's loud, extrovert and over the top, whereas she is quiet, down to earth, and far more of a homely.

At another friend's recent wedding, I walked into a side room and found A & B kissing, with B's hand up A's skirt. I was so shocked that I walked straight out again and didn't say a word.

Now A is carrying on like nothing happened and B is actively avoiding me. The drinks had been flowing and I'm inclined to think it was a one-off rather than an ongoing affair, although I can't be sure.

However, I feel so bad for B's wife. She's a lovely person who would be devasted if she knew B had betrayed her. If it was me, I'd want to know if my DH had cheated and part of me feels I should tell her, but I'm closer to A than either B and B's wife, and telling the truth would feel like betraying that friendship.

WWYD in my situation?

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 27/02/2022 09:26

@Mintlegs

I would send a letter anonymously
Nasty,
dangerrabbit · 27/02/2022 09:31

I would personally stay out of it but probably distance myself from them all.

TigerLilyTail · 27/02/2022 09:37

@Grasping

I think not telling someone because of the ‘shoot the messenger’ mentality is shortsighted and selfish.

You should do what’s right, regardless of the impact on yourself. I didn’t and have felt guilt ever since. I think less of myself and regret my decision

It's not just about the impact on the OP though. It's the impact on everyone!

There's no way I'd light that match!

MRS54321 · 27/02/2022 09:55

I’ve been the shot messenger… they’ll all stay together but you’ll end up getting frozen out,sorry

I’d keep an eye on your female pal around YOUR partner though….

Original poster
Catra · 27/02/2022 09:56

Thank you for all your responses. Plenty to weigh up…

To answer a few questions -

Were their partners at the wedding too? Yuk, I hope he washed his hand before joining his wife if she was there too.

Yes, A’s DP and B’s DW were also at the wedding, so it could have been either of them who walked saw what I did. And yes, A&B know that I saw them.

How close you are with friend A?

We socialise with each other a lot we’re part of a tight-knit social circle. Her brother is my DH’s best friend and her sister is very close to both myself and DH. I enjoy spending time with A but we don’t message much outside of those meetups and have never met up just the two of us.

Why are you only mentioning telling friend B’s wife. Why not friend A’s husband?

A’s partner (she refuses to marry him, at least she has that much sense) is abusive. For example, demanding sex even when she doesn’t want it, criticising her weight, telling her she’s worthless. Despite knowing A’s partner for 10+ years I have barely spoken to him beyond “hello” as he just sits there like a stuffed animal and doesn’t have any conversational skills. It’s plain A is better off without him, but not at the expense of breaking up someone else’s marriage.

I don’t condone it, but I’m not surprised by A’s behaviour, given her low self-esteem, insecurities and dreadful relationship. B, on the other hand, has blindsided me. He has a big ego and needs to be centre of attention but his wife grounded him and I thought he had too much integrity and way too much to lose to be that disrespectful. Now, however, it makes me wonder whether he has form for this.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 27/02/2022 10:00

Very difficult one, dammed if you do and damned if you don't.
I was rained off at work & came home one day to find my GP and my exes friend sitting on kitchen table snogging with his hand up her skirt. They were so engrossed on it they never heard me coming in. Told them to fuck off out of it. What followed was weeks of arguing with my ex as she'd given her friend a key. Eventually the GP's wife found out and took him for £1/2 a million nearly 20 years ago.

JPI7 · 27/02/2022 10:04

Personally I’d stay out of it.

Bootothegoose · 27/02/2022 10:05

You keep your mouth shut and you distance yourself from both.

If they ask why tell them.

From experience I know intervening/interfering never ends well for the messenger. Stay out of it.

They will either deny it and you will be painted out as a psycho - ergo friendship over.

Or

They will believe you and the affairees will come clean and you will become the one who knew - ergo bad guy.

dottydodah · 27/02/2022 10:06

I always err on the side of caution now .Never get involved as Messengers often get shot ! As many above have said.Many people think the other party would want to know ,but they may already suspect and have put it to the back of their minds, then they feel they have to act on it .Shooting the messenger allays these problems"Oh it was all a mistake ,you know what X is like always a gossip" and so on often unfairly .

Ttcfinalbub · 27/02/2022 10:34

Something tells me this isn't a one off if they're scurried away in their room while their partners are there.

LampLighter414 · 27/02/2022 10:37

Generally best to stay out of other people's business.

Ididashittything · 27/02/2022 11:30

This reminds me of an awful thing I did many years ago, snogging and with a hand where it shouldn’t have been many years ago with a soon-to-be married man, I was single, not that it makes me any better. A work colleague had seen us but I spoke to her and she agreed not to say anything, we stopped from that day and I felt awful, as far as I know his wife never found out and they’re still together. I wouldn’t say anything, they know you’ve seen them.

WetLookKnitwear · 27/02/2022 11:51

Probably say nothing and avoid both of them. By doing this they've accidentally shat on the friendship you have with them.

If you say nothing, at least maybe nobody will ever find out you knew. If either of them ever bring it up with you, tell them "I don't want to know" and shut it down before getting dragged further into it.

Marvellousmadness · 27/02/2022 12:07

I would value honesty over friendship so id tell for sure
And true friendship would survive you being the messenger...

OkayCoral · 27/02/2022 12:38

I would speak to friend A about it but as part of the big picture of her being unfulfilled etc. and the devastation this could cause to a young family. I would not threaten to tell family B what I’d seen but I would hope to make A see sense (if it is ongoing, which she may not confess to).

betrayedandwobbly · 27/02/2022 13:05

Seriously- everyone who thinks the OP should tell - have you been in this position? If you haven't then keep out

If someone had told me, early on, when possibly at the drunken mistake' phase, then perhaps my marriage could have been repaired. As they got away with it, of course they did it again. And again. On the baby steps route to full blown affair. Which devastated me.

Even if it could not have been repaired, at least I wouid have spent less of my life in the hideous situation of being the cheated-on wife who was the last to know. I regard those who knew but did not tell as acquaintances now, not friends to trust

Canyouhearmehello · 27/02/2022 14:34

I would not say anything, A and B maybe silly drunken fumble, or they are having a fling nothing serious(although I doubt their partners would see it that way) or they are serious about each other and will get together. As awful as it is for you to keep it from the partners it really is down to the cheaters to tell their partners.

JimmyDurham · 27/02/2022 19:03

It is none of your business. Stay out of it.

Ginger1982 · 27/02/2022 19:08

I would speak to A.

peacocktail · 27/02/2022 19:19

I would want to know. I wouldnt like it but it is better than being made to look a fool. Maybe other people have cottoned on too if it is an ongoing thing.

Mintlegs · 27/02/2022 19:45

There was no intention to be nasty, I added ‘maybe’. I would want to know and I would be upset if I found out later a friend didn’t tell me. As the pp is close to the group, maybe speaking to the husband and asking him to do the right thing and fess up would be a better option. It must be awful carrying around this guilt especially if the group meets regularly

RAOK · 27/02/2022 19:47

In my experience B will stay with her husband and fall out with you.

nancybotwinbloom · 27/02/2022 19:55

If this was me I'd 100% want to know.

PurrBox · 27/02/2022 20:03

Please tell. I would have been deeply grateful if someone had told me.

She might choose to stay with her husband. Don't criticise her for this or assume that she should ditch him. Just let her know, so she can understand what is going on in HER life. Then she can make a decision, or make changes start to happen.

Pileonsally · 27/02/2022 23:15

None of your business. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and in other relationships.
Also don't assume that your values are same as everyone else's.
Im in a relationship where we are both free to kiss and whatever outside marriage but we also agreed that we would never want to know and don't want to talk about it.
My other friend is in an open marriage.
I know a couple with an extrovert husband who is slowly being emotionally abused by his 'shy' wife.
I also know swingers who do stuff like this for a buzz.
Also obviously got lots of conventional friends in conventional marriages who would be hurt not knowing.
You have no idea about others lives.

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