Or can we save it?
I apologise in advance for the length of this post.
I’ve never been in any other relationship so have no bench mark to set against to measure if this has been a good or poor relationship but it currently feels strained and I just don’t know where to turn.
DH and I have been together for 30 years since we were 17 and 18.
Our 20’s were full of fun, travel and going out, lots of laughter. Our 30’s were raising our children who are now 16 and 14.
The next part of our lives is where it’s started to stain and I am not sure if it is these circumstances which are fraying things?
Our early 40’s were fine but it’s all been a bit shit the last 5/6 years.
My lovely MIL passed away 18 months ago after 5 years poorly with a bowel tumour. DH has just gotten on with things, doesn’t talk much about MIL and that’s up to him as we all grieve differently (although personally I really don’t think he’s addressed his grief). I really miss her so much.
Then my own mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 4 years ago. My dad struggles and is in denial with her diagnosis. My dad is an awkward character (that would be a whole other thread just on him!) and it’s hard for my sister and I. He won’t have any outside help in and so I go in everyday and help. It’s stressful and has taken it’s toll on my mental and physical well-being. I am going to have to insist he gets help in this year.
My ds (16) has had a lot of anxiety over the last few years. It’s started off in the last year of primary and turned out he was scared of secondary school. The first years of secondary were a nightmare. Every morning he refused to go to school and this has gone on until year 10. The school have been of no help, the attendance officer would ring me and insist I get him in. I would say he’s 6 foot tall and 2 stone heavier than me, just how do I do that? No answer or help from them. I would plead with them to check him for dyslexia but they said they couldn’t. They checked him 6 months ago and indeed he has dyslexia (DH would not pay for a private assessment, see below re financial issues). This was the main reason for his anxiety as he was struggling. Eventually I got him some counselling and he has been better. No help from anyone else, dh wouldn’t get involved as he was at work when this happened every morning. He and his family don’t deal well with mental health issues, it’s all controllable according to them!
The stress of recent years have taken its toll on my physical and mental health. I have IBS which is in constant flare no matter how many invasive, uncomfortable tests come back ok I am in discomfort most days which gets me down. I also suffer awful anxiety not helped by the fact I have very low anaemia (had to have urgent infusions 2 weeks ago), I am due to have an op to fix my heavy periods but can’t have it till my iron is up so that is a bit of a vicious cycle.
DH tells me that I am making him miserable, that I am ruining his life because I feel unwell and am depressed. I am really trying to be proactive in getting better, I have had CBT and counselling, I take all the IBS meds and stick to the diets. I don’t just sit and mope, I really try but keeping all these plates in the air is bloody draining.
I feel he is being unreasonable. He doesn’t help with the kids. He never took them out on his own when they were babies/toddlers. Has never helped with homework, never taken any interest in their studies or how well they are doing (he is not academic and has made his money by being practical). He never gets involved with parents evening, never looks at their reports etc. He loves the kids, I do know that for sure but he’s never been a hands on dad at all (just like his own father. Always their physically but not so much emotionally etc).
He works full time and I part time as a PA for a disabled lady.
I have buried this thought for years but I do wonder if he’s a little financially controlling? Obviously he earns much more than I do. All my money is for the kids, I don’t spend much on myself, all their little treats in life are from me.
DH pays all the bills and our mortgage which after all these years is only about £300 per month and for another 3 or so years.
He is a big saver and obsessed about saving loads for his retirement. The kids always moan that we don’t do anything fun. They even say he’s a Scrooge. I need to get a job earning more money to treat them but it’s been hard as I’ve been helping with my mum a d have these health issues going on. DH resents this.
He hates paying out for utility bills and moans like crazy if the kids leave lights on or turns up the thermostat or uses too much water (this all before the recent fuel issues). He works outside so is never cold, he hates putting the heating on. It’s on for an hour in the morning and then comes on around 5pm. He keeps it low or off and insists on a log burner which I hate but he insists we keep it as he gets the logs for free. Obviously makes sense especially with the current fuel crisis but it aggravates my bad sinuses.
He has a smart meter and spends all his time looking at it and tutting!
Martin Lewis is his hero!
Obviously I am painting a bad picture here and I am certainly no angel but he is getting on mine and the kids nerves, they both say he’s changing and becoming more grumpy and mean spirited. He questions everything to do with cost and money. Whatever the kids ask for something or wants to do something fun with friends it’s ‘how much will that cost?’ and the answer is usually no. I end up giving them the money even though I can’t afford it.
Sorry lots of ramblings here but I have so much going on in my head and can not fathom any of it out. I can’t work out if I am genuinely in a shit relationship or this is just a blip because I am pretty sure I still love him but having never been in any other relationship do I even know what love is?
I am so confused.
I would suggest counselling for this but he is totally against anything like that, he is very stubborn and very rarely compromises or would want to see another POV.
Has anyone questioned their long term relationship? I would be so scared to even know what to do. I don’t want to have wasted the last 30 years of my life, I want to save me marriage but certainly don’t want a future like this either.