I don’t know if our 30 year relationship is coming to an end

[Fairytoast]

Or can we save it?
I apologise in advance for the length of this post.
I’ve never been in any other relationship so have no bench mark to set against to measure if this has been a good or poor relationship but it currently feels strained and I just don’t know where to turn.
DH and I have been together for 30 years since we were 17 and 18.
Our 20’s were full of fun, travel and going out, lots of laughter. Our 30’s were raising our children who are now 16 and 14.
The next part of our lives is where it’s started to stain and I am not sure if it is these circumstances which are fraying things?
Our early 40’s were fine but it’s all been a bit shit the last 5/6 years.
My lovely MIL passed away 18 months ago after 5 years poorly with a bowel tumour. DH has just gotten on with things, doesn’t talk much about MIL and that’s up to him as we all grieve differently (although personally I really don’t think he’s addressed his grief). I really miss her so much.
Then my own mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 4 years ago. My dad struggles and is in denial with her diagnosis. My dad is an awkward character (that would be a whole other thread just on him!) and it’s hard for my sister and I. He won’t have any outside help in and so I go in everyday and help. It’s stressful and has taken it’s toll on my mental and physical well-being. I am going to have to insist he gets help in this year.
My ds (16) has had a lot of anxiety over the last few years. It’s started off in the last year of primary and turned out he was scared of secondary school. The first years of secondary were a nightmare. Every morning he refused to go to school and this has gone on until year 10. The school have been of no help, the attendance officer would ring me and insist I get him in. I would say he’s 6 foot tall and 2 stone heavier than me, just how do I do that? No answer or help from them. I would plead with them to check him for dyslexia but they said they couldn’t. They checked him 6 months ago and indeed he has dyslexia (DH would not pay for a private assessment, see below re financial issues). This was the main reason for his anxiety as he was struggling. Eventually I got him some counselling and he has been better. No help from anyone else, dh wouldn’t get involved as he was at work when this happened every morning. He and his family don’t deal well with mental health issues, it’s all controllable according to them!
The stress of recent years have taken its toll on my physical and mental health. I have IBS which is in constant flare no matter how many invasive, uncomfortable tests come back ok I am in discomfort most days which gets me down. I also suffer awful anxiety not helped by the fact I have very low anaemia (had to have urgent infusions 2 weeks ago), I am due to have an op to fix my heavy periods but can’t have it till my iron is up so that is a bit of a vicious cycle.
DH tells me that I am making him miserable, that I am ruining his life because I feel unwell and am depressed. I am really trying to be proactive in getting better, I have had CBT and counselling, I take all the IBS meds and stick to the diets. I don’t just sit and mope, I really try but keeping all these plates in the air is bloody draining.
I feel he is being unreasonable. He doesn’t help with the kids. He never took them out on his own when they were babies/toddlers. Has never helped with homework, never taken any interest in their studies or how well they are doing (he is not academic and has made his money by being practical). He never gets involved with parents evening, never looks at their reports etc. He loves the kids, I do know that for sure but he’s never been a hands on dad at all (just like his own father. Always their physically but not so much emotionally etc).
He works full time and I part time as a PA for a disabled lady.
I have buried this thought for years but I do wonder if he’s a little financially controlling? Obviously he earns much more than I do. All my money is for the kids, I don’t spend much on myself, all their little treats in life are from me.
DH pays all the bills and our mortgage which after all these years is only about £300 per month and for another 3 or so years.
He is a big saver and obsessed about saving loads for his retirement. The kids always moan that we don’t do anything fun. They even say he’s a Scrooge. I need to get a job earning more money to treat them but it’s been hard as I’ve been helping with my mum a d have these health issues going on. DH resents this.
He hates paying out for utility bills and moans like crazy if the kids leave lights on or turns up the thermostat or uses too much water (this all before the recent fuel issues). He works outside so is never cold, he hates putting the heating on. It’s on for an hour in the morning and then comes on around 5pm. He keeps it low or off and insists on a log burner which I hate but he insists we keep it as he gets the logs for free. Obviously makes sense especially with the current fuel crisis but it aggravates my bad sinuses.
He has a smart meter and spends all his time looking at it and tutting!
Martin Lewis is his hero!
Obviously I am painting a bad picture here and I am certainly no angel but he is getting on mine and the kids nerves, they both say he’s changing and becoming more grumpy and mean spirited. He questions everything to do with cost and money. Whatever the kids ask for something or wants to do something fun with friends it’s ‘how much will that cost?’ and the answer is usually no. I end up giving them the money even though I can’t afford it.
Sorry lots of ramblings here but I have so much going on in my head and can not fathom any of it out. I can’t work out if I am genuinely in a shit relationship or this is just a blip because I am pretty sure I still love him but having never been in any other relationship do I even know what love is?
I am so confused.
I would suggest counselling for this but he is totally against anything like that, he is very stubborn and very rarely compromises or would want to see another POV.
Has anyone questioned their long term relationship? I would be so scared to even know what to do. I don’t want to have wasted the last 30 years of my life, I want to save me marriage but certainly don’t want a future like this either.

Not commenting on your relationship OP, but just to say SSRI anti depressants worked like a miracle on my IBS years ago. Not saying it would for you, but it might be worth a go.

re. Savings, is it possible to do some subtle digging? Find some statements he hides somewhere or on his laptop etc?

You only have one life.

There is just sooooo much in your post that I can relate to & counselling both for me & the DH & I together has helped massively.

DH can be similar over money, though DD & I just take the piss out of him when he starts, so he soon gives up. He also lost his mum, we've lost friends & have been through very difficult times with DD who has disabilities. I also have chronic health issues.

Is your DH a worse Scrooge now since losing his DM?

What we've realised from our situation & counselling, is that DHs money issues stem from childhood. I didn't get that as his DSIs is very different. Turns out there was abuse around him asking for treats, such as looking at a cake longingly in a shop & saying he'd love that & then getting smacked very hard for it. But never his Dsis. That sort of thing.
His DMs death hit him hard, but he bottled it up too. We are all guilty of that though as we've had a lot of close deaths in the last few years. This brought his childhood trauma to the fore & he also became ridiculous over money wasting... I was close to him wearing mouldy beans that I'd put out for the bin several times.

& 2 teens, jeeze, 1 has all but destroyed me this last few years. & I'm learning that they ALL complain about how tight we parents are & how much more their friends get at that sort of age. Ours has only just grown out of that at 18, when we pointed out she was now an adult & a CF, so she could work if she wanted money. In fairness she's now got herself 2 jobs & is saving hard for Uni

I'd suggest counselling for yourself. It helped me recognise just how much we have been through & are dealing with still & it helped me to see that we all needed to cut ourselves some slack. Counselling together if yours is open to it would also be a good idea.

Mine was reluctant, moaned like hell about the cost ofc, until I looked him in the eye & told him that divorce was going to cost a fuck of a lot more, so he'd better get his priorities right. In fairness he's been great since then & is taking things on board & things have hugely improved.

The huge stress you are under is going to affect your health, so you really would benefit from counselling support. It's really helped me get back on track health wise

As for your health issues, some ideas based on my experience...

My IBS turned out to be twofold. (DD indirectly too) I had Heliobacter pylori infection that was never checked for in decades, despite all of the tests you described. Make your GP check you thoroughly for that & read up on it & testing. This made a huge difference to what turned out to be largely gastritis caused by h.pylori for me

Make them check you for B12 deficiency. Also folate & iron. That causes all sorts of problems, including worsened allergies & so sinus trouble. It can also make you food & additives sensitive & cause allergies that affect the gut. DD & I both turned out to have this & she became allergic to soy, which is in lots of things. It caused her to have allergic colitis, which was misdiagnosed as IBS for years. Her B12 injections with cofactors vitamins cured her allergies & massively improved her chemical intolerances. Google Tracy Witty B12 for a great reliable website

Your GP can do an Immunoglobulin E test (IgE) this shows whether or not you have a true allergy. If for any reason they can't. They need to refer you to your gastroenterologist. It was a Gastro Dr that did this for DD. From there you can work out what you're allergic to with exclusion diets. They usually look at wheat, diary, eggs first. Cutting out the culprit food stops the IBS like colitis. DD can now eat soy again though thanks to her B12

Could you be hypermobile at all? (Beighton Score Chart in Google images with help if you don't know)

DD & I both also turned out to have Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos, which is a collagen defect that makes us a bit stretchier, everywhere from joints, to guts can be affected. DD was hospitalised with what they at first insisted was IBS, but was actually an intestinal blockage due to stretchy guts caused by hEDS.,. Her ongoing diarrhoea & cramping that was blamed on IBS was actually her bodies way or trying to get faeces past this blockage. She also had a bad colitis flare up meaning Labour like severe pain with the blockage too.
The 2 together can be nasty, I've had similar issues too & fobbed off for years as IBS, but actually H.pylori, pernicious anaemia & IBS

A natural, whole foods, low wheat, low diary, no meat & no additives, definitely no artificial sweeteners etc, type diet, with turmeric as a supplement or drink "golden milk" & hibiscus tea & b12 injections helped us both a lot. Initially before diagnosis I found cats claw herb really helpful with actual IBS/possible leaky gut too

How have you spent 30 yrs not knowing how your finances are? You’re meant to be one team - it’s not his money and yours is yours.

Sounds like he is keeping all HIS money for HIS retirement and that’s why he doesn’t want to spend it.

You need to do something about this or your kids will start resenting you both.

I've just seen the bit about how your finances work. I would be very, very unhappy with that, especially with kids. That needs to change & if you do go the counselling route, he needs to listen & act

Ohhh I knew he would have kept you in the dark about finances. Do you have a pension? What are his arrangements?

This one is dead in the water darling. And you’ll be so much happier out of it.

OP, just to say if you split now that does not nean the last 30 years have been wasted. Doesn't follow at all. And as PP said, if they were wasted you won't salvage them by muddling through the rest of your life the way you're muddling through now. All the best.

@spacehardware

If 30 years of your life are down the drain, chucking the rest of it after them won't make that better

He sounds absolutely awful. What a miser.

Exactly this. How many more years are you willing to toss away? You have allowed him to run absolute roughshod over you.

You certainly have not wasted 30 years. You have your beautiful DC who I’m sure are well worth it. You also lived this miserable experience so will fully appreciate and enjoy the next 30 where you’re not being financially abused, used as a maid and childcare, and neglected by someone who’s supposed to be your team mate and love you more than anything else. He even resents you having medical issues!

Your DC may be happier too. Maybe he’ll make an effort to spend some time with them if he’s not living with them.

You need to dig and find out about finances before you do anything. It doesn’t sound like he’d play fair in a divorce.

Sounds so familiar, I am annoyed with myself as i cancelled a fitness class to try and spend more time with DH, why the f*ck did i do that. Not doing that again. I don't have much family and my energies of the last 20 years have been spent raising the DC while he works (which, don't get me wrong, i do appreciate)... so I have become isolated and he is controlling with money. I try and take an interest in the finances but any suggestion i make is shot down and instantly dismissed so i have just taken a back seat and let him get on with it

We used to go on holiday before DC and when the DC came along, but he has little interest in anything now, he just switches off to me and ends up snoring in the chair.... I know i need to carve out a new life for me but DC haven't quite left the nest yet so I trundle on....

Yes this is financial control. All of your money and assets - yours and his - is family money. It's jointly owned by you both. It isn't 'his' or 'yours'. So whatever is in savings is also yours. Therefore it's up to both of you how you save, how much you save, how you spend money. It isn't up to him alone.

Do you think he would hide money if he thought you were starting to state your rights? If so, talk to a solicitor before you talk to him about any of this, and tell them your concerns. Also do all the digging you can - bank statements, payslips etc.

It's completely wrong that you don't know how much money you have.
It's wrong that your husband has all the say on what money your children have.

Also with financial control tends to come other control. Because someone who thinks they are king of the money generally thinks they are king of the household too.

You deserve better and so do your children.

I think life post 40 is tough. Kids at one end and parents at the other. Men definitely become more miserable as they age too in my experience, almost as though life has been one major disappointment to them. They become tight and this is probably a learned behaviour from their own father. Not all men are like this obviously and as you have no experience of any other relationship, it’s hard for you to compare.

I would start a conversation and see where it takes you. Would he be open to that or would it be a waste of time?

sandwiches77 That’s exactly what happens with me, I show interest in the finances and ask questions but get told I won’t understand so it’s no use him explaining! I think our DH’s are from the same mould.
LaurieFairyCake PantoFine I wouldn’t be able to find out as he has everything shut away in a safe. He does everything in a traditional written way, he doesn’t use a laptop or computer so no way of finding out.
RockingHorseShit So sorry you have experienced the same. He has been a tight arse all his life, it should have rung alarm bells back then but I was living at home and had money to burn when we met so it didn’t register. His family are notoriously tight, money to them is for paying bills and saving not for frivolities, his parents would collect rain water to flush down the toilet ffs! Whilst having 50k in premium bonds alone.
DC are always moaning how tight he is, I feel for them because their friends parents give them loads, I give all I can but really need to work full time but with all the stresses in my life, right this minute it’s not an option. I have had lots of counselling for anxiety/depression but never mention DH as I’m embarrassed to be living like this. I do need to start counselling again.
With regards to the digestive issues, I have had tests for H Pylori and a coeliac disease. I’ve had 2 gastroscopes, a colonoscopy, ct scan and many ultrasound scans. I am now awaiting a pill camera procedure. My iron is extremely low and I had to have an urgent iron infusion 2 weeks ago, I have awful heavy periods and am waiting for an ablation. GP always says my B12 is normal but it is slightly on the low side of normal. I am on the low fodmap diet. An IgE test showed up milk and eggs which I avoid.
I truly believe that I am hyper mobile and may even have EDS as I score 9 on the Beighton scale, I have been like it most of my life as is my mum and my grandad too. My ds regularly dislocates his knee and ds is very colicky and bendy. But doctors dismiss it. Where do I go to be taken seriously on that?
Thank you so much for your advice.
PussinBin20 I know, I know! At nearly 50 I am deeply embarrassed but my dh always has been ‘what’s mine is mine and your’s is your’s, I will pay the bills and all will be ok’.
shuffleuplove No, I don’t have a pension, I was always told by my dad (he is another one who is controlling with money) that my sister and I would be ok as he has lots of money invested and when they go we’d be ok. But mum has Alzheimer’s and will go into a home one day, that money will all but go. Again, I was naive and stupid to think this was an option. I am so very annoyed with myself but my dad is similar with money and took over from my mum. He has £££££’s invested but it is actually my mum’s money from her father but dad took it upon himself to invest it as mum has never been involved in the money side of their marriage. I have unwittingly followed that pattern through life. I tell my dd all the time that she must be independent and control her own money.

layladomino 100% he would hide it. He has already said many times in the past that if we split I wouldn’t get anything. He thinks because it’s just his name on the deeds I won’t be entitled to anything. We have been married for 20 years. I honestly don’t feel he is controlling in any other way but seeing that money is a huge part of day to day life it obviously has a massive impact on everything.
JP17 IME they definitely get grumpier with age. DH is, many of my friends DH’s are and don’t even get me going on FIL, he holds the world record for being the grumpiest gut alive!
Dh would never agree to counselling, he has been brought up to believe that anything emotional, mental health etc is a waste of time and money. They are practical people, you just get on with life and bury your head in the sand if emotions show up. No one in their family has really ever grieved for my MIL, it’s not spoken about.

As others have said, he is being financially controlling, whether he intends to or not. You need to make it clewr to him that this is hard for you and impacts the family, even if it something that stems from anxiety, it still has a negative affect on your marriage and he needs to appreciate that. He needs to show you he can understand the impact on you. Counselling for yourself and both of you may help. I have been with my DH for a similar length of time the first 10 years were great, the next 20 more challenging, living with his anxiety and bad temper. He would then spend the next 24 hours seeking reassurance that I still liked him, I don't know which was worse. Initially I put his behaviour down to pressure of work and small children. Now he is in a more stable job and the children are young adults, my patience has gone. To be fair, he has identified now that he has anxiety, is taking medication and had been counselling, but his contstant need for reassurance about our relationship is draining. He comes across as needy which I find unattractive. He feels because he has attended counselling and is taking medication, I should be super grateful and wanting sex everyday. I feel too much damage has been done and finding it hard to see us spending our retirement like this, just the 2 of us. I am going to start counselling this week too, COVID has left not much else in my .ife but caring for him and other family members. We have all been hemmed in together for the past 2 years, that traits in each other become stiffling. Perhaps counselling will help you develop a forward plan to help you and your family? I

He thinks because it’s just his name on the deeds I won’t be entitled to anything.

As you are married this is not correct - I think you know that you should start making plans to leave

Left my MISERLY husband 17 years ago. He had $500,000 in stocks. He refused to spend it. His accountant told him to spend it. He refused to take a penny out. I always felt broke. Spent all my earnings on house and kids.
When I left. We had the SAME lawyer. Couldn't afford 2 lawyers. He got the house and all money etc. I was so stupid. I just wanted out as FAST as I could.
He remarried shortly after and he makes his new wife drive an old rusted piece of shit car that is 30 years old.
I look back and think..." Screw the money..." I am so happy and married to a man who doesn't worship the coin. He buys me flowers every week. He takes me out to dinner and vacations.
Leave him. He won't change. In fact the older he get the more that $ will mean to him. Mine kept saying, " It's for when we get older..."
Bull Shit. He's 74 now and invited the kids over for a pizza party and THEY had to buy the pizza! LEAVE!

oops forgot to say that we were together for 28 years. I couldn't do 28 years and one day... I loathe him today.

I agree that the death of his mother has hugely affected him and has pushed the nicer bits of him into the background so far that you are left with a depressed man who sees only that life is heading towards death and is busily preparing for that.

Tbh there's absolutely nothing you can do about that if he refuses to acknowledge any of this is an issue.

You don't have to stay. I would say prepare for it to be completely shit divorcing this man, he will blame you 100% and will make things as difficult as it is possible for them to be (very). That still doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I wonder how many women find their IBS settles right down when they don't have to carry a depressed man.

I wouldn't bother trying to get him to see how his emotions are affecting him. He won't do it. Opening the door to his grief is as likely for him as volunteering for castration so don't try.

If I were you I would fight a bit. Will he do a budget meeting with you? Can you find some articles where his hero discusses how to spend as well as how to save (are there any)? Can you get it down on paper the financial disparity between you, the kids needs including future issues such as driving lessons, travel to uni/apprenticeship open days or interviews? Can you be more bolshie with him on their behalf, however unpleasant he gets with you, in order to get him to bloody step up to his responsibilities instead of silently requiring you to carry every bit of the responsibility?

Caughtup sorry you are struggling too. I definitely need to start having counselling which focuses on relationship issues and then maybe bring him into it at a later date when, and if he agrees and when my head is clearer. I am so stressed right now with everything else which is going on, it’s hard to think clearly. It’s so difficult and my head has so many thoughts. I love him deeply but like you are finding with your dh, there are things about him that I am just not liking and the fact that he sees himself as the man of the house, the main ‘breadwinner’ and has this old fashioned notion that men should by default know more about the families’ money situation and have more authority over the running of the house than a wife/woman is deeply, deeply unattractive to me and that will now never shift, my views as I get older are changing and I want a completely equal relationship not like my parents and certainly not like his. We are not living in the 1950’s and I am so annoyed with myself for allowing this to have continued for so long.
Piperposey Wow, you have definitely found a diamond in your new guy, I bet you are so much happier. I don’t think miserly men realise how draining and beyond boring they can be. Of course we all need savings for later in life and rainy day situations but if that means sacrificing the years in between well that’s pretty futile, especially if it’s costs you your marriage.

PermanentTemporary I just wish I didn’t love him, it would make this situation so much easier and I am very scared. I have worked part time for years, the thought of full time with little qualifications and with my current issues frightens the shit out of me. I don’t know where we would live. I have little confidence in myself. I have lived a cosseted way obviously not financially but in a lovely home in the village I grew up in and have never know full independence. I went from living with my parents to living with dh, no in between which, of course I now deeply regret and encourage my two dc to be as independent as possible. He and his family most definitely have not faced grief and he has developed a slight anger/bitterness since his mums passing, it’s subtle but most definitely there. I have never once seen his father cry even when we lost a child in the family, they do not deal with grief at all. Any emotional outcry is seen as weakness. I do feel his mums passing has changed dh and for that reason I have wanted to stay and work at everything. But he doesn’t see how short life is and that we all need a bit of fun way before retirement but he always talks about doing stuff once we’ve retired, not before. I just can not see how I will get him to see that we are nearly 50 and need to start living NOW. When we have these conversations he tells me if I want these things then I need to go work full time and pay myself/contribute. Of course that is now my goal in life but still saddens me that he doesn’t want to contribute to fun times and make new memories with his wife and dc in the present.

And he just would not see that financial disparity. He sees it that I am not contributing financially and that’s it. He does not see my raising the kids, being at SAHM for years and saving on childcare etc, cooking, cleaning, housework and seeing to virtually all the kids needs as any kind of contribution. I’ve had this conversation with him many times. Financial contributions trump everything in his view.

"I love him deeply"

Do you, though? Why?

OP - do you have your own bank account ?
That’s where to start if you don’t.