Moved in with my mum as I'm pregnant & suicidal however she can't be without the person she's seeing

[bluesk75]

I started a thread a few days ago saying that I was suicidal and pregnant. People encouraged me to go to A&E straight away (instead of waiting until the next morning) because I was afraid of hurting my baby. Once I told my mum I was in hospital and what I went there for she suggested that either I move in with her or she'll move in with me. There was no other way around it.

I already have a 9 month old and I'm heavily pregnant with my second. My mum has severe mental health issues that she's on medication for and has been given a 'not fit for work' note (or whatever it's called). So she spends everyday indoors. I said DD and I will come to stay with her as I also have a little sister and didn't want to have to uproot her.

My mum's been seeing someone for the past couple of months and they spend every single minute at her house. Whenever I'd visit with DD she'd ask him to leave as I wasn't comfortable being around a complete stranger especially with my daughter. My mum said that for as long as I stay with her, he won't be in the house and she respects that I need to feel comfortable.

I've only moved in yesterday and she's said that she was crying when he left and she misses him because she's her support system. She was starting to make me feel bad because the reason he's no longer here is because I'm here. I'm obviously going through a difficult time too so I don't want her to just struggle and have no support. She then started crying so I said he can come round for the night whilst we're sleeping if that makes you feel better. He came round late last night and is still here.

My mind isn't in a good place so I hope this doesn't sound too jumbled and it makes sense so far. It seems that she'll go back to having him here everyday/as regularly as possible as she's said she 'needs him to make her feel happy.' My thing is, if you've told me to move in because you need to keep an eye on me and help out with DD, how are you going to do that if you're just in your room with this person you're seeing? DD woke up during the night and my mum couldn't come and get her to take her in her room so I could carry on sleeping because this man that I don't know is there. I ended up staying up with DD in the living room until she went back to sleep. It just defeats the point of us being here and I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. I'm heavily pregnant and already struggling emotionally. I'm more or less still doing everything that I would be doing if I was back home with DD.

I think I just needed to write this down somewhere as I have no one to talk to about this in real life. I understand my mum deserves her own life and shouldn't have to put her life on pause but what's the point in telling us we'll have to move in or you'll move in with us if you're saying you can't cope if you don't see this guy every second?

She also won't see him outside and he lives with his mum so she isn't comfortable going round there. She's said if he doesn't come here she'll go months without seeing him. Can someone just drop their thoughts down in the comments so I feel as if I'm actually talking to someone? I just feel as if I should go back home and take DD with me

Whatis the issue with her fella? Does she have to choose you over him? If yyou get to know him he ceasesto become a stranger, doesnthe? or do you have other reservations about him?

he's obviously got lots going on in her own life

How is shagging her boyfriend all day a lot going on?

@HollowTalk

he's obviously got lots going on in her own life

How is shagging her boyfriend all day a lot going on?

Well I think her severe MH issues may qualify as well

What about your sister, who is caring for her in this situation? Doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for her either.

@Offside

What about your sister, who is caring for her in this situation? Doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for her either.

Yes, there's a lot going on here, isn't there?

How old is this younger sister who presumably also has to share her home with a man with whom her mother is not in a relationship, but spends a shitload of time there?

@Jossbow

Whatis the issue with her fella? Does she have to choose you over him? If yyou get to know him he ceasesto become a stranger, doesnthe? or do you have other reservations about him?

@Jossbow the point is he isn't her fella. It's basically someone she's fwb with and he spends all of his time at my mum's house. She's only known this guy 5 months.

It may sound silly but there's never been another man in this house my entire life. Now I'm heavily pregnant, suicidal and here with my other child, it's all a bit too much to be here feeling vulnerable with some random person in the house too. I have no reservations but my mum has already admitted to me that if she was in her right mind she wouldn't be having a man in the house like this. She knows it's only because her mental state isn't correct

She's also ended it with him twice in the space of 5 months... the situation is a mess and makes no sense why he's here. Obviously it's her life but I have no interest in getting to know him as I highly doubt he'll still be around in the summer

@Offside

What about your sister, who is caring for her in this situation? Doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for her either.

@Offside my sister doesn't care for her as my mum looks after herself. My sister's only a teenager still in secondary school so when I say the situation's a mess, it really is a mess. My mum seems to spend all her time with this man in her room whilst my sister is in the living room by herself. It's definitely messed up her social skills and probably more

@bluesk75

You took offence at my earlier post when I suggested you go back to hospital and try to engage the authorities, but I'm afraid nothing you've posted since has changed my opinion.

There are four people in this scenario who are in need of urgent consideration:

1. You, given that you state you are suicidal, which is an MH emergency
2. Your unborn child (who will obviously be affected by any harm you carry out on yourself)
3. Your young baby
4. Your teenage sibling

Your mother is an adult. Yes, she may well be affected by other issues (and I suspect she is), but she is not your problem and, rather sadly, you are not hers, at the moment.

You must try to involve the authorities - having to carry the weight of your and three other people's problems is clearly not what you need right now, but you need help and your mother is not going to give it to you.

I'm sorry, that's very blunt, but you need to find a way to help yourself, at least.

[quote AffIt]@bluesk75

You took offence at my earlier post when I suggested you go back to hospital and try to engage the authorities, but I'm afraid nothing you've posted since has changed my opinion.

There are four people in this scenario who are in need of urgent consideration:

1. You, given that you state you are suicidal, which is an MH emergency
2. Your unborn child (who will obviously be affected by any harm you carry out on yourself)
3. Your young baby
4. Your teenage sibling

Your mother is an adult. Yes, she may well be affected by other issues (and I suspect she is), but she is not your problem and, rather sadly, you are not hers, at the moment.

You must try to involve the authorities - having to carry the weight of your and three other people's problems is clearly not what you need right now, but you need help and your mother is not going to give it to you.

I'm sorry, that's very blunt, but you need to find a way to help yourself, at least.[/quote]
@AffIt I've already been referred to the perinatal team so I'm not really sure what you expect me to do?

@bluesk75 Other people will have better advice, but you don't have to wait: you can ask for urgent referrals through your midwife, if you still have an HV (which I think you should at 9m?), go to your GP.

I believe the charity MIND can also help fix you up with a volunteer advocate to take on some of the mental load, if there are forms to be filled in, phonecalls to make etc.

I do appreciate that this is incredibly stressful for you, but there are options. I also think you should ask on other boards such as Mental Health and so on, as Relationships might not give you the 'technical' answers you need right now.

As I say, I know I've been blunt, but I do hope you can get out and I wish you the very best. Where you are just now cannot be easy.

In my area there is funding for new mums to have group and 1-1 counselling sessions through Mind, could you contact your local branch and see if they have anything similar in your area? And your council might offer support as well through something like Surestart? maybe your health visitor would know.

Is dd's father still seeing her on Mon, Weds, Fri?

I do think that having recently feeling suicidal, it is good for you to be staying with someone, even though I appreciate it is not the support you thought you were getting.

How old is your sister?
If an adult or 16+, could she stay with you a few nights a week to help? Then your mum could have her not boyfriend over those nights and you and your daughter the other nights when he's not there?

You've mentioned extended family with busy lives - would they be able to stay with you or visit you one day/night a week each so it's not a huge ask from each individual?

What about close friends? Anyone who would stay over with you and your daughter, or you stay with them just for the odd evening?

Would it help if you went to your Mums weds eve to Friday morning? Shorter time for her to be without her bloke, but a regular support time for you?

And what about his Mum. Could you stay there one weekend a month. I know you said she has very little time, but would the change of scene help?

Does your ex have to come to yours. Would it be better for your mental health if he picked little one up and spent time away from yours or is it helpful for you to have him there?

Is your DD father also the father of your unborn child?

Thanks for the comments. After much thinking, I'll be taking DD and going home tomorrow.

I can tell my mum isn't going to ask him to leave and wants to spend most of her time with him. It's her house and not my right to say anything. I told her I'll be going home in a week or two but really thought about it and thought it's best to go tomorrow.

She's said that she'll try her best to come up as often as possible but think I'm not understanding when she cancels. My problem is, my mum's the one who's constantly said she has to see DD twice a week at the very least or she gets anxious. I then rely on this help but then when she's cancelling every week, she clearly doesn't want to come round twice a week.

I've re referred myself for therapy as I think some CBT for my anxiety may help out a bit. It's a tough pill to swallow knowing I'll struggle with two babies knowing my mum only lives down the road but what can you do🤷‍♀️ I understand that no one owes me anything especially not help with the kids so it is what it is. Just have to find a way to make do with my situation and not let it get me down anymore than I already am. Thanks for all the comments

It will be bloody tough having two babies. But you might just cope with it better than you think you will. Anxiety is a dick, it makes us underestimate our own ability to cope. Absolutely access all the professional help you can too of course. And hang in there x

If the McDonalds thread is also yours (quite a lot of similarities in details), then your Mum is not looking after you at all and the whole situation is awful. Your mental health is probably deteriorating rather than improving by being there. You do need help but she obviously not the one to provide it. Go home and get out of that toxic house.

Oh op how awful for you. When you need your mum the most and she can't be there and give you what you need. I know you say your dd dad can't help more, but does he know you've felt suicidal? That's quite a crisis situation that calls for immediate and wider family to step up. Could he move in to help with dd and support with new baby, for the first few months when it's going to be hardest? You need someone solid and reliable by your side. X

Redburnett thats a really harsh and unkind comment to make to a woman who is struggling and asking for help.

Im not sure i understand. This bloke comes round and the 2 of them just stay in her room the whole time? And he never leaves? And they aren't in a relationship? And she won't just see him a couple of days a week it has to be constant? That just sounds bizarre

@ChocolateButtonsOfShame

It will be bloody tough having two babies. But you might just cope with it better than you think you will. Anxiety is a dick, it makes us underestimate our own ability to cope. Absolutely access all the professional help you can too of course. And hang in there x

@ChocolateButtonsOfShame that's very true. My anxiety definitely isn't helping the situation but it may be better than I think so let's see what happens ey. Thanks for the support x

@Fink

If the McDonalds thread is also yours (quite a lot of similarities in details), then your Mum is not looking after you at all and the whole situation is awful. Your mental health is probably deteriorating rather than improving by being there. You do need help but she obviously not the one to provide it. Go home and get out of that toxic house.

@Fink thank you, yes that thread is mine. Just further proving my point that I need to get out of here. Tomorrow I'll be gone!