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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moved in with my mum as I'm pregnant & suicidal however she can't be without the person she's seeing

62 replies

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 12:33

I started a thread a few days ago saying that I was suicidal and pregnant. People encouraged me to go to A&E straight away (instead of waiting until the next morning) because I was afraid of hurting my baby. Once I told my mum I was in hospital and what I went there for she suggested that either I move in with her or she'll move in with me. There was no other way around it.

I already have a 9 month old and I'm heavily pregnant with my second. My mum has severe mental health issues that she's on medication for and has been given a 'not fit for work' note (or whatever it's called). So she spends everyday indoors. I said DD and I will come to stay with her as I also have a little sister and didn't want to have to uproot her.

My mum's been seeing someone for the past couple of months and they spend every single minute at her house. Whenever I'd visit with DD she'd ask him to leave as I wasn't comfortable being around a complete stranger especially with my daughter. My mum said that for as long as I stay with her, he won't be in the house and she respects that I need to feel comfortable.

I've only moved in yesterday and she's said that she was crying when he left and she misses him because she's her support system. She was starting to make me feel bad because the reason he's no longer here is because I'm here. I'm obviously going through a difficult time too so I don't want her to just struggle and have no support. She then started crying so I said he can come round for the night whilst we're sleeping if that makes you feel better. He came round late last night and is still here.

My mind isn't in a good place so I hope this doesn't sound too jumbled and it makes sense so far. It seems that she'll go back to having him here everyday/as regularly as possible as she's said she 'needs him to make her feel happy.' My thing is, if you've told me to move in because you need to keep an eye on me and help out with DD, how are you going to do that if you're just in your room with this person you're seeing? DD woke up during the night and my mum couldn't come and get her to take her in her room so I could carry on sleeping because this man that I don't know is there. I ended up staying up with DD in the living room until she went back to sleep. It just defeats the point of us being here and I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. I'm heavily pregnant and already struggling emotionally. I'm more or less still doing everything that I would be doing if I was back home with DD.

I think I just needed to write this down somewhere as I have no one to talk to about this in real life. I understand my mum deserves her own life and shouldn't have to put her life on pause but what's the point in telling us we'll have to move in or you'll move in with us if you're saying you can't cope if you don't see this guy every second?

She also won't see him outside and he lives with his mum so she isn't comfortable going round there. She's said if he doesn't come here she'll go months without seeing him. Can someone just drop their thoughts down in the comments so I feel as if I'm actually talking to someone? I just feel as if I should go back home and take DD with me

OP posts:

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 12:56

Just to add. She isn't in a relationship with this guy and he isn't her boyfriend. She's told me they're not exclusive and she's known/been seeing him for no longer than 5 months

OP posts:

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/02/2022 13:05

Sounds shit. I'd go home. Where is the father of your baby? Can he not help?

gamerchick · 25/02/2022 13:06

I don't think your mother is in the best place to be your total support OP. She doesn't sound emotionally able. You can't tell her who she can or can't have in her house.

What about daughters dad? Can he not take the bairn so you can decompress and rest?

toomuchlaundry · 25/02/2022 13:08

Where is the father of your DC?

Ivyr0se · 25/02/2022 13:14

I'm sorry you are feeling suicidal and have looked for help but not really getting it. I strongly suggest you go back to the a&e and get temporary respite care for your child (or maybe their dad can take them).

I think you are transferring your low mood and frustration from your situation and taking it out on your mam. She can only offer you what she can offer and whilst it's disappointing that she can't step up for you, it is what it is.

She is sorting you that she cannot be your support system and if she is prioritising this new relationship over family then your relationship may be dysfunctional and actually contribute to your feelings of suicidal thoughts.

Leave her house, go back to hospital and look into alternarive care for your children.

AffIt · 25/02/2022 13:19

Leave her house, go back to hospital and look into alternative care for your children.

Yes, this: I'm sorry, but neither you nor your mother sound capable of meeting the needs of a very young child at the moment.

If you take yourself back into hospital, hopefully this will trigger the right alerts within the system to get SS involvement to sort out care and respite.

It may also be worth posting this on the Mental Health board to see if anybody has personal or professional experience that may be of use to you?

Floralnomad · 25/02/2022 13:19

I’m not sure there is a lot of wisdom in expecting someone who has severe mental health issues to support you and your child if you are feeling suicidal / have your own mental health issues . Go back to the hospital and sort out some proper child care for your daughter even if that means her being fostered temporarily to give you some respite to sort yourself out .

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 13:22

I co parent with DD's dad so he only sees her three times a week. He's not in a position to help out more or be relied on so it is what it is. There's no suggestions that can be made that involve her dad so it's basically just DD and I on our own.

@Ivyr0se thank you for your kind comment. I've been referred to the perinatal care but as I said I didn't want to harm my baby/harm others there's not much the hospital can do for me other than provide support during the rest of the pregnancy.

I don't think I'm taking my frustration out on my mum but it certainly isn't helping anything. I just think it doesn't make sense to say DD and I should stay with her to keep an eye on us but really she's in her bedroom with this guy

OP posts:

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 13:24

I'm more than capable of taking care of DD thanks. I had an assessment with a psychiatrist who was able to understand that my DD isn't in any danger at all. I already suffered from PND when I had her so a lot of the emotions are similar to that. I was only asking for advice/thoughts on what to do with my mum and the person she's seeing. If people are going to bash me or put me down when I'm already at my lowest then they can save those comments as it's really unnecessary

OP posts:

workshy44 · 25/02/2022 13:26

You poor thing, this sounds incredibly tough. I can totally understand you wanting to go back to your mum but unfortunately it doesn't sound like she is in a position to provide it given her mental health issues
Do you have any friends or other family that could help out?

ChocolateButtonsOfShame · 25/02/2022 13:31

Hello. I remember your last thread, although I didn't comment on it because you were getting good support I really felt for you. Are you feeling any better at all?

I'm sorry that you're not getting support. It does sound like your mum isn't in the best place either. Would it be possible for you to talk to her and agree a time in the day she could take DD for a few hours, to give you some rest?

Is there anyone else who could help? Please don't feel ashamed to ask for help when you need it x

Immunetypegoblin · 25/02/2022 13:31

Your mother is not capable of helping you.

Be careful when telling her you're leaving, as there is a good chance she will say you've upset her if you state the truth (ie that she's no help at all). I'd try to come up with some excuse for moving out that isn't about her lack of help.

gogohm · 25/02/2022 13:32

Does your DD's father have parents who could help?

You need to be in a safe position when the baby is born it doesn't seem your mum is in the right mental health situation to help. Is there a supported living situation that could help?

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 13:33

@workshy44

You poor thing, this sounds incredibly tough. I can totally understand you wanting to go back to your mum but unfortunately it doesn't sound like she is in a position to provide it given her mental health issues Do you have any friends or other family that could help out?

@workshy44 thank you, it really has been a difficult time. I think what's so difficult about my mum's mental health is she still functions so 'normally' sometimes I forget she suffers from all the things she suffers from. I always think I have the same mum who raised me when really I have a completely different mum right now. It's situations like these that remind me.

I have a big family that all live locally but everyone has their own lives going on, no one really has the time to help out with anyone else. The only person I can rely on for help is my mum and younger sister. It's great when my mum's helping out and really gives me time to get my thoughts together but I feel really uncomfortable with someone else in the house the whole time. Maybe I just need to adjust but I feel as if I'm going through such a vulnerable time and my mum isn't able to see this guy outside or just see him less

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 25/02/2022 13:37

I think its probably best if you go back home. Ask your HV for support.

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 13:37

@ChocolateButtonsOfShame

Hello. I remember your last thread, although I didn't comment on it because you were getting good support I really felt for you. Are you feeling any better at all?

Is there anyone else who could help? Please don't feel ashamed to ask for help when you need it x

@ChocolateButtonsOfShame thank you so much. I did get so much support on that thread and I was super grateful. Once my mum told me to move in, I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted and I started to feel less anxious. Now I'm actually here, I've been miserable the whole day because I don't feel as if I can just ask my mum for help or go and talk to her. If she's in her room spending time with this guy, I'm in the living room feeling awkward.

I think I could agree times for her to help out but I just think what's the point, she's still just going to make time to go in her room and spend time with him. There isn't really anyone I can ask for help and that's the whole reason I'm here. I'm starting to think I should have just stayed at home struggling

OP posts:

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 13:40

@Immunetypegoblin

Your mother is not capable of helping you.

@Immunetypegoblin yeah I was thinking the same thing. I might try and stay for a week or two to see how I get on but I've had a face like a slapped arse all day. I don't know how long I can do this for. My mum has continuously said, 'what's wrong' 'what's wrong' 'you look so sad.' I just feel like I have no place saying 'I feel uncomfortable with him being here' when it's her house and her space. If he isn't here, she's just going to be miserable and she'll be the one walking around with a face like a slapped arse. What's the point in that

OP posts:

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 13:43

@gogohm

Does your DD's father have parents who could help?

You need to be in a safe position when the baby is born it doesn't seem your mum is in the right mental health situation to help. Is there a supported living situation that could help?

@gogohm no he doesn't unfortunately. One doesn't live in the country and one is a nurse who barely gets 5 minutes to herself. Tbh I'm not sure what's going to happen when the baby comes. That's part of the reason I've been struggling with my anxiety recently as there's been a lot of uncertainty. I thought being at my mum's would make me feel settled and reassured that I won't be struggling by myself everyday but even if she asks him to leave when the baby gets here. She'll be at home feeling unhappy because she's alone

OP posts:

Snowdon564 · 25/02/2022 13:50

You can’t dictate who she does and doesn’t have in her own home. You should still stay though, surly it’s best to have someone in the house than no one. I think you thought due to your mental health you would be cared and catered for, that’s just not realistic in your circumstance unfortunately, it sucks and it hurts too but it’s the case for lots of people. Stay strong and seek help from someone else

Fink · 25/02/2022 13:55

You poor thing. You clearly need help but it really doesn't sound like your Mum is the one to give it to you, at least not in this way. I would move out of there ASAP because it's not helping either of you or the children as is probably making you feel worse.

I haven't seen your previous thread, so I don't know what support you're getting, but I would suggest:

Maybe your Mum could make an arrangement to come round to you at specific times (rather than moving in with you) and you could try to agree specific things that she will help with during that time.

And in the meantime, you need to be really pushy with the health services to be able to get proper mental health support. They're very overstretched and I get that, but you need urgent treatment on an ongoing basis, not just an emergency admission.

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/02/2022 13:56

Sounds incredibly hard. It really, really does, but I do think you cannot dictate who your mum has in her house. She also needs support, and while obviously there has to be a time limit on it, perhaps you could all compromise and say that he can come over a couple of times a week but no more?

Positivelyhopeful1 · 25/02/2022 13:57

Could your mum spend half the week with you to help support you at your house and then half the week at her own house, which would give her the chance to spend time with her friend?

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 14:03

@Fink

I haven't seen your previous thread, so I don't know what support you're getting, but I would suggest:

Maybe your Mum could make an arrangement to come round to you at specific times (rather than moving in with you) and you could try to agree specific things that she will help with during that time.

@Fink thank you for your comment.

Maybe your Mum could make an arrangement to come round to you at specific times (rather than moving in with you) and you could try to agree specific things that she will help with during that time.

That's exactly the sort of set up that we had in place. As I co parent with DD's dad, he would come round Mon, Weds & Fri. I then asked my mum if she could come round and help out on Tues, Thurs & have DD at her house for the day on Sat. Unfortunately my mum suffers from extreme anxiety to the point where she doesn't even like to leave the house. So she'd keep cancelling and wasn't reliable. She'd also cancel to just stay at home and spend time with this guy. It's like even though she knows I need help to the point where I'm now suicidal. I still can't see her sticking to these days and helping out because it means she'll have to leave the house and she just can't commit to that long term

I've been referred to the perinatal team but I can see myself contacting the GP soon as I'm not sure how long that will take

OP posts:

jimmyjammy001 · 25/02/2022 14:05

Your Mum has just offered you to stay with her as its the right thing to do, but she's obviously got lots going on in her own life and can't give the time which you require to look after your kids to give you a break.
She's obviously decided to prioritise her bloke over you, whether that is right or wrong is anyones guess.
You have said you allready have a 9 month old, has all this happend since you got pregnant again? Or have you been in this situation since before first child was born?
I'm not sure what advice anybody can give you now that there is another baby on its way which will not make things any easier, I know that the dad isn't on the scene much but that would be the only solution if he was to step up and help you and his kids out

Original poster

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 14:09

@OrlandointheWilderness

@OrlandointheWilderness of course not. That's the thing I'm not trying to dictate anything hence why I haven't said anything. She started off with 'you're my daughter, you come first he won't be in the house' to 'I can't be without him I need him here with me' so I haven't said anything since. Again, due to my mum's anxiety she doesn't like to be outside of her own house or stay at people's houses. Even if it's my house which is 30mins away from hers. I've often asked her to stay over and help as it'll be a bit easier but she refuses and says she gets anxious and says she can't do it. I'd be happy to compromise but it seems that she wants him there every single day so she wouldn't even be happy seeing him a few days a week

OP posts:

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