One of my parents asking to borrow money, I want to say no

[architecturall]

My parents (who are married) have always been quite poor. One parent works and the other hasn't due to a combination of poor mental health and the belief that they shouldn't have to work.

During my childhood we were very poor/low income. Now I would say my family is fairly comfortable but with no savings or safety net.

The unemployed parent has a terrible attitude with money and has a credit card, despite not having an income to pay the bill each month. In the past, they would 'borrow' money from their parents (who have now passed away), now they ask 'borrow' money from me and my siblings. For context, they would even borrow our birthday and Christmas money growing up and sometimes it would not be paid back as we would forget.

They keep asking me and my siblings to 'borrow' the money to pay the credit card bill, but I know it probably wouldn't get paid back. I feel extremely guilty, especially for my other parent who is also burdened by this bill despite working full stop and being frugal with what they spend. I could afford to help them pay it, I have enough disposable income. I also feel guilty as my other parent has supported me financially in the past.

I think I would also feel more inclined to help if the credit card was used for necessary purchases, but it's wasted on rubbish with nothing to show for it.

What would you do?

My mother also felt that as she had been a SAHM she was owed financial support by my father for her whole life. He'd left her for OW 3 years before I got divorced and she'd wasted her financial settlement (more than twice mine was) on rubbish, got a job and then jacked it in after less than 2 months. She was 50 and never worked again.

It's a no from me OP.

If one of them works and the other won't work, it's not your job to dig them out.

If the working parent is finding they are being put upon etc then they have decisions to make on whether to stay with their partner and continue to bear the financial burden.

Moving that obligation to you isn't fair.

Absolutely not. Tell them you don't have it.

Unless their mental health problems are severe to the extent that they constitute a disability. In which case I'd offer to help them apply for disability benefits.

No I definitely would not give any money.

The person with a credit card and no employment is irresponsible and needs to get a job to fund lifestyle.

No, the requests will never stop otherwise.

No, because you know it won’t be the last time. The card will be paid off, and immediately spent on again. If I were in your shoes I might consider putting some money aside to bail them out in the future in a time of real need (like, avoiding homelessness), because the likelihood is that time will come.

Don't lend money but offer advice and maybe a bit of help with utilities/essential shopping. Alternatively point them to a debt management charity (be careful there are some sharks out there) Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty are reliable and would help them with setting an affordable budget while paying off their debt. The rest of the family (and friends) need to be on board too

If saying no feels too difficult, pay half and say you can't do it again.

If this was a child you would probably be saying to them that you would bail them out this once on condition that their credit card is cut up. Can you say this to a parent I wonder?

You need to talk with the earning parent and ask them what they see as the way forward. And maybe you could talk with your siblings too so that you all present a united front with whatever decision you make and do not find yourselves being played off one against the other.

I do not think it is a case of money goes up or down - each situation is different.

I would pay for something the parent who works. E.g their hair cuts, any sports or club fees they pay regularly, their car running costs, something that they may have to miss out on because of the repayments. Then I know I've helped out.

Say no.
You'd be throwing good money after bad. Let them get into debt until that credit card is maxed out and their credit rating does not allow for another one.

I'd say no. You're still waiting for them to repay the money they borrowed before, & don't have any spare money as a result. All other funds you have are spoken for. No other explanation necessary.

I would offer to help them see if they can rearrange their finances, see where they can cut back on unnecessary expenses etc, make them an appointment with a free financial advisor such as CAB or similar who can point them to other services etc. But no money should be coming from you; this would simply be enabling them to continue wasting the money (that they don't have). It would be different if they were genuinely short of funds & simply didn't have enough to make ends meet, in which case I'd say you should give whatever support you felt comfortable to give.

@mummymeister

saying no is not the answer. helping them to sort themselves out is. book an appointment at your local citizens advice. go along to them and ask for help sorting out money. or do it yourself with them at the kitchen table. show them money in vs money out and look to see where they can make savings and start to live within their means. the more you pay their bill for them the more they will spend and over time the burden on you and your siblings will be increasing.

This is really good advice.

OP, can you ask your parent to cut the credit card?

Thank you everyone, I'm glad you all agree with me as I do feel racked with guilt. I know there will be some kind of punishment coming for my decision not to lend them the money, they'll hurtfully remind me of times they helped me in the past as if a parent-child relationship should be purely transactional.

I'm in my 20s so think it's an important boundary to establish at this point in my life. When I turned 18 and got my student loans I made the mistake of giving this parent around £3000 over the course of the 3 years I was at university.

I feel so angry and frustrated at the situation because I feel completely helpless. I wish my working parent would stand up for themselves but they won't, it's a complicated situation.

It's multiple credit cards and things bought with credit from multiple shops, iPads and iPhones on expensive contracts so not as easy as just cutting up one credit card. There's no point in telling them it ends now, they feel entitled to have everything they want

Then that is a definite "no".

Remind them of the £3k and remind them of taking your money even as children.
Offer to help them budget / look for better deals before they buy things if you have the time (but don't feel obliged) but you are doing them no favours by feeding their habit of buying things they can't afford.

I would help them if it was something like a couple of unexpected electricity bills or a broken boiler that was unexpected.

Absolutely not for daft spending on credit cards buying things they can't afford.

I'd love a new phone/iPad, but I can't bloody afford one so I dont buy one.

I would tell them you have looked are you budget and will be short if you give them anything so by paying their bills, yours will not be.

Be helpful, if you want in other ways, help them switch to a lower credit card rate, get them to visit citizens advice for budgeting support, ask them to negotiate repayment plans with the companies they owe money to each. You can assist in my ways other than with cash.

It's one thing to help someone who is tryng to help themselves or gets into a rare difficulty. It's very different to subsidising someone else lifestyle and poor decision making.

There's no point in telling them it ends now, they feel entitled to have everything they want

In that case there's no point in "helping them out" either, because they'll go right on expecting everything they want until they've bled you dry

In many ways it's a shame you created a precedent by giving them your Uni money, but either you stop this now or accept it'll never end - and while it's a shame the working parent doesn't assert themselves, that's their choice and not yours

They’ve taken shocking advantage of you. Did I read that correctly - took £3k of your student loan money off you?

What will be the punishment? That will be interesting to see. If it’s less contact we’ll that’s too bad for them!

I would just give a low key response “sorry but I haven’t go the money at the moment”. Rinse and repeat. Do not discuss further. Never give them a penny more.

(If you gave them anything you know it would be spend on trash anyway.)

Don’t be sucked in!

A simple “sorry I am not in a position to be able to help, but I am happy to sit down with you and call the company to arrange a repayment plan”

No. And I gave my dad money all through my 20s.

My dad was a bit like a gambler, though that's not where his money went. I understand that part of the addiction for gamblers is the loss of money, maybe almost the adrenaline of the crisis. Keeping within his means was boring to him and meant a kind of failure.

Tbh it might be a good outcome for this person to go bankrupt and lose access to credit.

No, because nothing changes when you give them money. They just waste it and ask for more.

It's ok to say which parent it is. With the electronics, my guess is your father.

Your working parent knows how the lazy one is. They could easily get rid but they won't for whatever reasons.
It's easier to sponge from family and excuse the useless spouse than to admit what is going on and do something about it.

So no to the money.

I've had to do this myself with family members. They are perfectly capable of fixing their own problems but feel entitled to other people's money for whatever reasons.

Just to add that I get the thing about helping them if it was an emergency/unexpected bill or whatever, but it might be wise not to bring that up with them

Because there's every chance the narrative could change to suit, with an "emergency" being swiftly invented

@architecturall

It's multiple credit cards and things bought with credit from multiple shops, iPads and iPhones on expensive contracts so not as easy as just cutting up one credit card. There's no point in telling them it ends now, they feel entitled to have everything they want

I'm really sorry for such a stressful situation.

Is the parent considered vulnerable? Maybe it's worth going to CAB, and asking for help to contact the various banks/credit cards and service providers for the expensive contracts and explain the situation. They may be able to work out a monthly low payment agreement or help transfer to a 0% interest card to allow them to pay without the high-interest rates.
Depending on the age and if over 65, Age Uk may be able to give some advice.