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Original poster

One of my parents asking to borrow money, I want to say no

58 replies

architecturall · 24/02/2022 13:08

My parents (who are married) have always been quite poor. One parent works and the other hasn't due to a combination of poor mental health and the belief that they shouldn't have to work.

During my childhood we were very poor/low income. Now I would say my family is fairly comfortable but with no savings or safety net.

The unemployed parent has a terrible attitude with money and has a credit card, despite not having an income to pay the bill each month. In the past, they would 'borrow' money from their parents (who have now passed away), now they ask 'borrow' money from me and my siblings. For context, they would even borrow our birthday and Christmas money growing up and sometimes it would not be paid back as we would forget.

They keep asking me and my siblings to 'borrow' the money to pay the credit card bill, but I know it probably wouldn't get paid back. I feel extremely guilty, especially for my other parent who is also burdened by this bill despite working full stop and being frugal with what they spend. I could afford to help them pay it, I have enough disposable income. I also feel guilty as my other parent has supported me financially in the past.

I think I would also feel more inclined to help if the credit card was used for necessary purchases, but it's wasted on rubbish with nothing to show for it.

What would you do?

OP posts:

nearlyspringyay · 24/02/2022 13:08

I'd say no. That's it.

DenholmElliot · 24/02/2022 13:11

Absolutely not! Money goes down not up!

PartyPlan · 24/02/2022 13:14

Nope, they need to take some responsibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2022 13:19

Say no to such demands. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and does not help your parent.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/02/2022 13:27

No, don't even do it once.

If i have read your post correctly then it sounds as though the credit card account belongs to the parent who is working, they need to cancel the extra card so only they can use the account. We have a similar setup - account and main card in husbands name but I have an extra card linked to it. I'm sure if I kept spending on it my husband would cut up my card so I couldn't use it.

MunchyMonsters · 24/02/2022 13:27

'Sorry I can't afford to help. Would you like me to help devise a plan for you to pay it off'

HollowTalk · 24/02/2022 13:32

No way. It sounds as though one parent earns and the other spends regardless of income. The fact that person thinks they shouldn't have to work says it all.

REP22 · 24/02/2022 13:38

No. For me, it would be different if it was for essential groceries or transport, but not for credit card fripperies and interest. I'd offer to help them to talk to Stepchange or CAP for advice if necessary, but not to bankroll extravagance.

I'm sorry that you're being burdened with this, I wish you all the best. x

Gooseysgirl · 24/02/2022 13:43

No way

NashvilleQueen · 24/02/2022 13:45

Whilst in this situation I think you're right I fundamentally disagree with this:

Absolutely not! Money goes down not up!

There could be a perfectly good reason to help out a parent financially. Just not here.

SockFluffInTheBath · 24/02/2022 13:47

No. Not unless the card gets cut up and there is no new one (hard to police) otherwise you’re just in a trend of giving them pocket money to spend.

SockFluffInTheBath · 24/02/2022 13:48

@DenholmElliot

Absolutely not! Money goes down not up!

Sorry but what rot. So we should sit and let PIL be cold while energy prices rocket? Do go away.

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 13:50

In order to help out the working parent could you and your siblings agree to pay it between you on the basis that it is to settle the account and close the card. But only do this if the working parent agrees not to set up another card/ accessible overdraft etc.

mummymeister · 24/02/2022 14:15

saying no is not the answer. helping them to sort themselves out is. book an appointment at your local citizens advice. go along to them and ask for help sorting out money. or do it yourself with them at the kitchen table. show them money in vs money out and look to see where they can make savings and start to live within their means. the more you pay their bill for them the more they will spend and over time the burden on you and your siblings will be increasing.

Chilver · 24/02/2022 14:17

I'd pay it this once on the proviso that the card/ account is closed.

WildPoinsettia · 24/02/2022 14:22

I wouldn't give someone like this money.

You shouldn't feel guilty. You're doing nothing wrong.

You're not responsible for either of your parents. The one working and being used by the other can choose to leave if they're not happy with the situation. None of this is your problem to fix.

Asking you for money isn't the same as asking you for help. Help to leave a shit relationship, sure I'd provide that. Money to pay off a debt run up unnecessarily and that'll only be run up again once it's cleared. No bloody chance!

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/02/2022 14:38

No, because they are not asking to borrow it, they are asking you to give it too them.

Georgeskitchen · 24/02/2022 14:40

No from me. They are not daft teenagers but grown adults who should be able to manage money. Do it once and they will carry on wasting money in the firm belief you will bail them out

forrestgreen · 24/02/2022 14:48

No. And if the other parent feels burdened they could cut up that card

oldestmumaintheworld · 24/02/2022 14:50

This is such a difficult situation to be placed in - I am sorry for you having to face this.

You say that your parents are married, but not if they live together. If they do live together then it is their problem to solve jointly. The employed parent needs to remove the credit card, pay the bill and limit access to finances until the other parent gets a job, or stops reckless spending. I do recognise that this is a difficult process. However, it is not your problem it is theirs.

It is natural that you feel badly about this. If you can, and it feels appropriate, then talk to the other parent. Support them emotionally as much as you are able, and perhaps talk to your siblings. See what emotional support they can give your working parent too. Family support doesn't have to be financial.
Having mental health problems is something that a good many people struggle with, but it doesn't mean they 'check out' of their adult responsibilities. Your parent has decided that they want a free ride. That's not fair to anyone. And particularly to their partner.

PearPickingPorky · 24/02/2022 15:12

Pay it on the condition the account is closed. Make it clear it's a one-off.

2DogsOnMySofa · 24/02/2022 15:15

No. I know it's difficult as you see the other parent suffer, by continuing to lend/give them money you are enabling this behaviour for both of them

Smartiepants79 · 24/02/2022 15:24

@2DogsOnMySofa

No. I know it's difficult as you see the other parent suffer, by continuing to lend/give them money you are enabling this behaviour for both of them

I agree with this. The only way this stops is if everyone around them stops bailing them out. If it was for important bills or essentials then that would be different but it’s not.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 24/02/2022 15:29

No, definitely not. It‘ll be much easier to have a blanket no, rather than agreeing once and then having the expectation that you’ll do it again and again.

Your (presumably) mother clearly has her issues but your parents need to sort it out between themselves.

noirchatsdeux · 24/02/2022 16:40

From my own painful experience, I'd say a thousand times NO.

When I divorced my 1st husband when I was 24, my mother convinced me to use my £7K divorce settlement to pay for her, my younger brother and myself to move back to Australia (our home country) from the UK. The plane tickets alone were nearly a thousand pounds...and then she emotionally blackmailed me into paying to have all her furniture sent back too! That cost another £2.5K...it was all reproduction antique rubbish, glued together that fell apart within a year in the hot tropical weather. I also had to pay for the hotel we stayed in when we first arrived, and the deposit and rent on a 3 bedroomed flat...my whole settlement was wiped out within 2 weeks.

It was all a massive mistake, living with my mother again was utter hell - my brother returned to the UK within a year and I followed him 3 months later. I had less than £50 in my pocket and was homeless for a month.

That was 30 years ago and I still feel angry at how badly I was taken advantage of by own mother at a very low point in my life.

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