What does she see in him?

[Struggling1702]

I know I shouldn't care but I'm really struggling with my ExH moving on...
We separated 2 years ago after I discovered a 3rd affair. He was also really controlling during our relationship and since he left he became emotionally and financially abusive. He doesn't have much interest in seeing our kids, sees them eow and one night a week, and the odd day on holidays (one day in whole 6 weeks summer for eg). In 2 weeks I move out of our family home as he had starved us out. He has been vile to me... I nearly reported him to the police it got that bad.
Now his new GF is 12 years younger that him, no kids. After 3 months she moved in with him and now, after 6 months they have both sold their cars and are buying one together, so clearly high levels of commitment.
Apparently he's told her all about his affairs and she's fine with it. She knows how often he sees the kids and she helped him draft the letter to my solicitor explaining he was stopping payments to force me out of the family home, which of course they are moving in to together.
So my question is, wtf is she thinking? Kids say she is nice etc. But I just don't understand how someone could move so quickly into a committed relationship. Surely she should be thinking they are a lot of red flags?
I know my exH can be charming and he's outgoing and funny and confident (arrogant!).I know why I fell for him, but I was also only 19 and naive, and of course he had no baggage then. Please help me see her perspective!

You've said yourself she's younger - possibly as naive as you were at first. And he'll have spun her loads of lines about how you're a psycho/money grabber etc. She'll find out in the end but that's not your problem.

I understand how you feel but honestly the healthiest thing to do is concentrate on yourself and the kids .
I have similar with my ex but I don't care at all, let them get on with it.
Don't waste your energy.
You have a brand new life to look forward to without that loser !

It doesn’t matter I don’t think. He’s a liar, you forgave him two affairs and she’s believing whatever bs he’s currently peddling. He’s obviously very believable and persuasive, as you say. Pity her, you know what he’s like.

She thinks she can "save" him.
It makes her feel special.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly I know that but I just can't... I go through cycles of thinking if she's like this with him maybe he was a catch and the issue was me? To anger that he can be so happy and I have so many hurdles on my way to happiness (I for eg have a partner but can never live together as I am the RP). To thinking this new GF must be as bad as he is if she's prepared to support his actions, which then makes me anxious that she is involved in raising my kids. Does that make sense?

He has told her lies. He is still in the charming phase. And slowly exerting control and manipulation.

My ex left for a young 20 something. And I'm sure the Facebook life was perfect and fun holidays meals out etc etc. Whilst he wasn't providing for his kids or seeing them.

In time he showed his true colours and behaved how he did with me. Using the silent treatment, shouting and bad moods to control things. Whilst you are turning yourself inside out to make the peace and everything to be ok again. She had enough after a few years and he has moved on.

It's normal to think it is you. But people don't change. But others may have a different tolerance level. Focus on your calm and happy home and smile knowing you don't have to tip toe around him anymore.

She's young and stupid.

She's also not as nice ss she seems if she's participated in ousting you and your kids out of the family home (and with the intention of moving in themselves) .... she may seem nice on the surface but many many pll (including psychopaths, sociopaths and criminals can seem nice on the surface). They don't know her.

She's a fool but she'll find out in time.

When you're young and haven't had kids ots not always easy to understand how utterly shit it is for someone to act like this, and what it means about them. Especially if you don't have strong morals, empathy etc yourself.

Id agree he's also spun her a narrative that she's stupidly believed.

What's she getting anyway...a cheater and dead beat Dad.

I for eg have a partner but can never live together as I am the RP

Your kids will grow up ... rather quickly and you can live with a partner.

In the meantime you would be staying with them and vice versa on the nights he has the kids. Which should give you the nice parts of living together (!)

Apparently he's told her all about his affairs and she's fine with it.

No greater indicator or her naivety/stupidity/low standards.

if she's like this with him maybe he was a catch and the issue was me?

Noone who hasn't least 3 affairs on their wife and mother of their children, and later tries their utmost to get their ex and even more importantly their kids out of their family home so he can move in with his new partner (not to mention moving in with a new partner within 3 months in the circumstances) is a "catch".

Not in any universe, any dimension are they catch.

Oh and the apparent commitment shown by downsizing to one car between them; they must not be flush with money. Theyre clearly trying to cut costs.

Thanks everyone. It helps to hear. He tricked me into meeting her this morning. I went to his to collect the kids and he said she'd taken them to the cafe and to meet them there. She is so much better than me in every way. his life has just turned ot so bloody perfectly despite his behaviours. Honestly makes me want to give up and just let them have the happy family life. I am killing myself trying to provide for my kids and be a good mum, maybe I should let them have them. Kids seem to love life there anyway

*who has had

She is so much better than me in every way.

Clearly not since a. she's picked up your cheating, scummy, poor parent ex (!!!!)

Would you have moved in with a man who told you he had at least 3 affairs onnhosxeife, and who doesnt see Jo's kids regularly and who's trying to get them out of their family home so ge can have it??

And b. She's participating in that manometer, which means She's any combo of stupid & immoral.

No offence but catch a grip.

You mean She's younger and maybe conventially more attractive ..... that's not better.

Her relationship choices and relayed actions mean she's most definitely not.

*maneuver

his life has just turned ot so bloody perfectly despite his behaviours.

Early days.

Don't OP. Your children love you. She'll be a novelty but they'll find out what she and their dad is really like in time. Stay quiet, it'll work out in your favour just take some time. You sound great and you've held it together thus far......he's definitely lost probably the best thing he's ever had. Just believe it.

This

She may appear better than you, she’s not, that’s just the way it seems, be proud of who you are.
Be you best you, look good, obviously a good parent too, things are not always what they seem

Oh OP

She's got herself a cheating, lying pathetic excuse for a man, who was a rubbish husband and father. She just can't see it yet. How does that make her better than you? She picked up the dregs you left.

Your kids will see it all for themselves in time, just carry on being the best you can be for them (they WILL see it) and please try and be a bit kinder to yourself.

My ex is very similar and I have had similar thoughts myself about the woman he is now living with and has a child with - also 10+ years younger than him. My best advice is to just let it go - he's not your problem any more. And if she has any sense then she will see him for what he really is eventually.

Abusive people will generally always find someone new to abuse. Conmen are conmen. You don't know what he's telling her. He could have given her any reason for having the affairs.

My ex boyfriend told me he cheated on his previous girlfriend "but it's different with you, she was long-distance, I didn't love her like I love you" etc etc.

Even if she is "better" than you (what constitutes "better" anyway?), you're free of him and she is yet to find out. I'd pity her more than anything.

You said he's controlling, that doesn't change.

Controlling men stay controlling.

And he was like that, while he himself was an adulterer, serial cheater .... says everything you need to know about him.

I can imagine how much more controlling he could be wiry a younger woman who doesnt have any kids (?) He'll be crowing that he's got her, but probably always wondering if she could wise up abd leave him for a man without kids closer to her own age.

She's got a dud.

Even just financially, he'll have to pay child maintenance til 18 or later for his kids; she doesbt get his/thror family money for herself and her kids. Same with any inheritance if he divides it fairly. That's a shitter set up than fhe bouldering have if she met a man without kids, which is perfectly feasible if she's younger.

Not sure hoe "bouldering" snuck in there .

Ahhh OP don't be so hard on yourself. She got your sloppy seconds, not something to be proud of!

Kids are fickle, new people are exciting, you are their mum and matter the most. I promise you that x