What does she see in him?

[Struggling1702]

I know I shouldn't care but I'm really struggling with my ExH moving on...
We separated 2 years ago after I discovered a 3rd affair. He was also really controlling during our relationship and since he left he became emotionally and financially abusive. He doesn't have much interest in seeing our kids, sees them eow and one night a week, and the odd day on holidays (one day in whole 6 weeks summer for eg). In 2 weeks I move out of our family home as he had starved us out. He has been vile to me... I nearly reported him to the police it got that bad.
Now his new GF is 12 years younger that him, no kids. After 3 months she moved in with him and now, after 6 months they have both sold their cars and are buying one together, so clearly high levels of commitment.
Apparently he's told her all about his affairs and she's fine with it. She knows how often he sees the kids and she helped him draft the letter to my solicitor explaining he was stopping payments to force me out of the family home, which of course they are moving in to together.
So my question is, wtf is she thinking? Kids say she is nice etc. But I just don't understand how someone could move so quickly into a committed relationship. Surely she should be thinking they are a lot of red flags?
I know my exH can be charming and he's outgoing and funny and confident (arrogant!).I know why I fell for him, but I was also only 19 and naive, and of course he had no baggage then. Please help me see her perspective!

[quote Struggling1702]@Dontforgetyourbrolly I know that but I just can't... I go through cycles of thinking if she's like this with him maybe he was a catch and the issue was me? To anger that he can be so happy and I have so many hurdles on my way to happiness (I for eg have a partner but can never live together as I am the RP). To thinking this new GF must be as bad as he is if she's prepared to support his actions, which then makes me anxious that she is involved in raising my kids. Does that make sense?[/quote]
Your focus needs to be on you. So, if you can't stop thinking about him, start working out why you can't stop thinking about him. What does thinking about him provide you with? It must be doing something for you if you're addicted to it. What question are you trying to answer about yourself by thinking about him? The addiction you have to thinking these things isn't about why she's seeing this or that in him, otherwise you'd be equally addicted to thinking about the woman down the road with the unfathomable crush on her colleague, and how did Rose ever find Fred West attractive, etc. There's lots of peculiar attractions out there. The only one you can't stop thinking of is the one that you feel comments on you.

What is thinking about him doing for you? What question about you are you trying to answer?

I think it's 'What's wrong with me?'

Am I miles off the mark?

@Struggling1702

I know I shouldn't care but I'm really struggling with my ExH moving on... We separated 2 years ago after I discovered a 3rd affair. He was also really controlling during our relationship and since he left he became emotionally and financially abusive. He doesn't have much interest in seeing our kids, sees them eow and one night a week, and the odd day on holidays (one day in whole 6 weeks summer for eg). In 2 weeks I move out of our family home as he had starved us out. He has been vile to me... I nearly reported him to the police it got that bad. Now his new GF is 12 years younger that him, no kids. After 3 months she moved in with him and now, after 6 months they have both sold their cars and are buying one together, so clearly high levels of commitment. Apparently he's told her all about his affairs and she's fine with it. She knows how often he sees the kids and she helped him draft the letter to my solicitor explaining he was stopping payments to force me out of the family home, which of course they are moving in to together. So my question is, wtf is she thinking? Kids say she is nice etc. But I just don't understand how someone could move so quickly into a committed relationship. Surely she should be thinking they are a lot of red flags? I know my exH can be charming and he's outgoing and funny and confident (arrogant!).I know why I fell for him, but I was also only 19 and naive, and of course he had no baggage then. Please help me see her perspective!

Mine did the same after 20 years together we separated, he went into a relationship with another woman 4 mths later while we were still living together.... I couldn't understand it ... claiming she was just a friend.... told lie after lie to her, did so many shitty things behind her back and she knows all about it and doesn't care. She was happy to watch him hurt so many people. Now I just laugh at them because she has started to realise (This took a while) that everything has to be his way.. does what he wants regardless of how she feels.. oh and his kids want to visit him (20 & 17) which she absolutely thought he wouldn't be doing as they moved away lol... Things will slowly unfold, please don't put yourself town,, I know its hard xx

it doesn't matter if they do or don't go on to be happy long term. Don't hang your own happiness or self esteem on what happens with them. don't wait for the months / years to pass and the wheels to fall off. It may not. She is not in any way "better" than you, just a different person. You have a partner and can keep him in your life without complicated entanglements and blending families, just time with him that's just for you and separately, you and your kids a tight family unit.

Kids are fickle, new people are exciting, you are their mum and matter the most

This.

It's a 6 month relationship, she may not even be on the scene permanently.if she developed a tap of sense or standards, or she realises he's controlling etc. she may move on sooner or later.

You are the bulwark of stability and continuity.

Also playing step mammy is fine at the start, it's a novelty, it hasn't settled into normality with all the tensions, conflicts, demands ... from either side. I know lots of step parenting (if you.could even call it that with a partner if 6 month's) that have deteriorated after a homey moon period.

I think exactly the same with the new lady my ex is now with. So a few things about him
He’s a recovering alcoholic. Not had a drink since may
He suffers with bad mental health
He’s been sectioned twice and nearly did again in may
He has self harmed over the last 2 years and has scars up his arms
He overdosed about 4 times over the years
He turned into an absolute liar
He makes things up to get attention and cries
My god I could go on about other things , I tried for years to help him and he made my life hell . But he’s happy now and says he’s changed so maybe it was my fault he was like it . If he don’t change god help her and her kids .

Probably gives him sex on tap ...and she'll most likely up and leave when she decides that she wants children of her own...

Also meant to say how hard I’m finding it now he’s gone . I’m grieving and sad and cry a lot and he’s happy 🙄

@Watchkeys yeah I don't think you're wrong. I have been having counselling for the past 18 months to work on these issues. Some of them are me, some are being in a relationship with him and being cheated on repeatedly but being told he was amazing and I was lucky to have him... I believed (believe?) him. It does take its toll on your self esteem to have the person who married you, not be able to resist other people... What was so wrong with me? Plus he used to tell me I was boring and not slutty enough 😬

For some reason the “buying one car together” stood out to me. Who does that?

Possibly making it harder for her to drive off or socialise, or pooling resources so he ends up with a better car...

@Hen2018 yeah it's a bit commitment isn't it? 6 months in it's a huge financial commitment. They have sold both their (very nice and newish) cars and bought an amazing , huge, very new fancy Audi...

*big

I’m sure it goes along the road in exactly the same way as all other cars

I think the key is to realise there is nothing wrong with you. It really is that simple. I got told by my counsellor that the only thing wrong with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me. It was massively useful.

Once I got it into my head, it liberated me from all the 'Why would my ex do that with a new partner but not me?', because I knew it wasn't down to me.

Most of us are incompatible with most of us. Otherwise it'd be much easier to find a happy healthy relationship. Accept that you weren't compatible. It's not a crime. You've done nothing other than be yourself, and, unless you think you were put on this planet to make this one bloke happy, then you've done nothing wrong.

Liberate yourself. It's perfectly possible to be a nightmare partner with one person, and be a perfect partner for someone else (I've been both!) Nobody has to be 'in the wrong' or 'have something wrong with them' for this to happen.

He was abusive though, but the only reason that's relevant to you is that you're out of it. I'm sure your relationship with him looked fine from the outside for a while. You really don't and can't know what's happening in his current relationship, and you could torture yourself by speculating for months or years. But is that what you want to look back on, a year from now? A year of having 48% knowledge of what's happening in his life, and craving a bit more... 53% perhaps? You'll never know. Leave him to it. Make a brilliant life for yourself. And then you'll be busy. And if you do think of him, whilst paragliding or sitting your Grade 8 violin exam or running a marathon, you'll think 'He should be sorry he left me behind: I'm amazing.' And that's the viewpoint you want to cultivate. You can do it now. You are completely unique, and you're lovely. He's missed out, the prat. Think along those lines.

He will have told the new woman a pack of lies, including about you.

It is not you.

Apparently he's told her all about his affairs and she's fine with it. She knows how often he sees the kids and she helped him draft the letter to my solicitor explaining he was stopping payments to force me out of the family home, which of course they are moving in to together.

Did you hear this from her? Or is this what your ex husband, a known lying, abusive, manipulative shit who would say anything to hurt you, has told you?

As well as, obviously, he'll be lying to her through his teeth. That's why abusers so often choose younger partners every time - because the older a woman gets, generally the less gullible and naive she is.

@Struggling1702

Thanks everyone. It helps to hear. He tricked me into meeting her this morning. I went to his to collect the kids and he said she'd taken them to the cafe and to meet them there. She is so much better than me in every way. his life has just turned ot so bloody perfectly despite his behaviours. Honestly makes me want to give up and just let them have the happy family life. I am killing myself trying to provide for my kids and be a good mum, maybe I should let them have them. Kids seem to love life there anyway

Oh just stop it. She's not better than you in any way. For starters she's shagged a married man. Perfect family life my a**e. This will not last. You are just displaying a kneejerk reaction.

It's all fantasy island. Wait until she gets sick of him or he cheats on her, or she finds someone her own age with no baggage.

This woman 'bagged' a lying, controlling. abusive and cheating waste of space who is not even a good father to his kids.

Don't be taken for a minute by the idea that they are having a perfect life and that somehow it did not work with you because of you were less than this woman.

To me this woman :

• is very naïve/silly
• or has some seriously low standards to take on someone who has admitted to serial cheating and who probably goes on about his 'crazy ex' all the time
• or is as vile as your ex in which case they deserve each other...

You see a perfect relationship, I see red flags everywhere: she is much younger than he is (easier for him to control), everything is moving too fast (lovebombing)...

Enjoy your freedom with your kids and look to the future and make sure that your ex support his kids financially.

Don't let him manipulate you in any way.

I suppose I see them utterly besotted with each and making big commitments really fast and I worry maybe it was me, maybe his last promise to really change was real... Maybe I've ruined my family and actually it could have worked out.
I'm also jealous 🙄. He's always put himself first, whereas I do the "right" thing every bloody time and always put my kids first and I guess I'm jealous that for him it's worked out any way. Kids have a good relationship with him, he's loaded (above 6 figures), got our family home and young skinny girlfriend who he's going to make a happy new life with. (He told me in mediation they're planning to have kids)

Have a look at the step-parenting thread and you'll see how it's sll beer and skitttles.

Chances are as soon as skinny girlfriend is upduffed he'll be out tomming

after 6 months they have both sold their cars and are buying one together, so clearly high levels of commitment.
Like a pp this stood out like a sore thumb to me too. He is a controlling man. He has now removed his new gfs easy escape.

@Struggling1702

I suppose I see them utterly besotted with each and making big commitments really fast and I worry maybe it was me, maybe his last promise to really change was real... Maybe I've ruined my family and actually it could have worked out. I'm also jealous 🙄. He's always put himself first, whereas I do the "right" thing every bloody time and always put my kids first and I guess I'm jealous that for him it's worked out any way. Kids have a good relationship with him, he's loaded (above 6 figures), got our family home and young skinny girlfriend who he's going to make a happy new life with. (He told me in mediation they're planning to have kids)

Loaded/above six figures. There's your answer as to why she's with him and is willing to overlook his terrible track record. How sad.

And these losers of guys always earn "over six figures" don't they? It astonishes me.

She'll find out eventually what an utter cock he is!!

He hasn't changed or else he wouldn't have treated you badly in the separation. If he can lack empathy for the mum of his children then that isn't you...It's him.

I was her..Ex H came into my life nearly 2 years after his separation. I had never met such a deceptive person before so was completely naive..he lovebombed me. I know from the outside we appeared to have everything and for a while it seemed like we did. It didn't last and of course he moved on to OW..I now see that he is highly deceptive - it's why he is very successful in his career.

You will start to heal, it takes a while especially if you haven't yet moved from the family home. Count your first day in the house as Day 1. Plan small wins..little successes that will help change your mindset. By the time you have moved on, his life is likely to unravel. What he did to her, he will do to her...it will all unfold.

OP she can't be in any way a decent person if she colluded in forcing your children out of their home. She is also clearly a hypocrite playing happy families with your kids when she was quite happy to agree to them being forced out of the family home so that she could move in with your ex. Sounds like they are ideally suited to each other.

I know it must be hard but you are there for your kids and no doubt, if she is young, she may want children herself. You can be pretty sure that when that happens her interest in your children will disappear.

It must seem awful at the moment but all you can do is be there for them. They may not seem to appreciate it but when they are older I am sure they will realise who really loves them and has their backs.

They are certainly not any better off than you!

You said this is a new relationship, 6 months?
He's love bombing her to start with.
She's young and naive and likely impressed with his money.
He's told her a big sob story about you and she feels sorry for him and wants to help him.

There is no way he has told her the truth about his affairs. He is lying to her as much as he is lying to you.
I could see him saying he had an affair and blame it on you. Something like the cliche wife being cold and frigid and he had no choice but to look outside the marriage and stay unhappy because of the kids. Poor poor sad sausage.

He needs her around to skivvy for him and to look after the kids while he goes back to the lazy twat he's always been. Taking her car and deciding to share one car shows that. She'll be stuck there with a new baby and no car and he'll want 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay for his existing children.

So try to see it for what it is. He is still the same as he has always been.