Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Working from home

65 replies

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 02:12

If you or partner are working from home, do you give the other person a break in the day. I'm not talking an hour, but 10/15 mins to just give them a break from small children.

Huge argument with husband who works from home.
Have said before that 2 children under 3 is hard going and perhaps he could instead of going out for numerous vapes outside, turn left and see if I could do with 10 minutes outside.

I've asked 'nicely' I've pointed out that he gets about 5+ vape breaks per day and takes lunch to his desk to eat etc and therefore it might be nice to give me a pathetic 15 minute break?
I've been passive aggressive and made comments and finally just been upset and told him he's a shit husband.
Is he though or am I asking too much?

My argument is that I spend all day and all night with the children, feed them all day, play, clear away food from weaning baby and child, I do all domestic chores, daily vacuum, clear up cat litter, daily laundry at least 1 load, empty and stack dishwasher and I clean up from the day at night, including the floor from dinner and plates etc. So it's not like I'm relaxing.

His argument is that if he was at work, I'd get no break.
Mine is... but you aren't at work, and why wouldn't you give your wife a break? Especially if she's saying she's worn out.

He spent longer giving me reasons why he never gets a break, and various others things he does which mean he doesn't need to, rather than just saying, ok.
I told him he was a shit husband and he would give a random person off the street a break over me.

It's very depressing

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 23/02/2022 02:20

Yes, he's being a shit husband.

15 minutes could make a real difference to your day so he should be delighted to be able to give you that.

Also the very fact that he has refused your request after you have told him you're worn out and really expressed the need for the break is without a doubt going to cause resentment that will probably be there forever more in your marriage!

CowboyBebop · 23/02/2022 03:19

You are not asking too much. He should see working from home as an opportunity to give you a break. Virtually all jobs are easier than looking after two small children all on your own plus running a household.

I'd be pretty concerned he doesn't see this and moreover is positively resisting doing something that would make little difference to him and a big difference to you. He sounds very immature to be honest.

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 03:22

@user1481840227

Yes, he's being a shit husband.

15 minutes could make a real difference to your day so he should be delighted to be able to give you that.

Yeah it's the fact that he'd rather put together a case for why it shouldn't happen rather than just give me a break. I get no break all day. And at night I'm co sleeping. He clearly hates me. Awful behaviour

OP posts:

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 03:30

He can't even pretend he dudbt realise and that shit that men come out with 'you just have to ask'. Because I have asked. And I got a list of other stuff he does, why he never gets a break and that's meant to be the end of it.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 23/02/2022 03:34

There is nothing more upsetting than someone saying "you just have to ask" and then when you finally do they don't give a shit .

It does so much harm emotionally and causes anger and rage etc. to build up which makes you need even more of a break!!!

He's a selfish prick!

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 03:40

@user1481840227

There is nothing more upsetting than someone saying "you just have to ask" and then when you finally do they don't give a shit

It does so much harm emotionally and causes anger and rage etc. to build up which makes you need even more of a break!!!

He's a selfish prick!

Yes. I've been getting really angry recently with him andbthen instead of the conversation being around the lack of help when clearly needed, it becomes me getting so angry I'm weeping in frustration or raging like today. It'll be a conversation about my behaviour no doubt later, rather than the fact I've said for months, 'you get to go have lunch alone and vape numerous times a day and I'm asking for one of those breaks'. It's absolutely shocking to me as a human. He behaves like a robot. He's convinced himself he's om the spectrum but does that seriously mean he has no clue how humans work? I doubt it. Very convenient.

Anyway he's now got the face on that they do when they know they're in the wrong, I'm sure others have seen it, a cross between "I'm a very busy person having a bad day" and "I'm angry".

OP posts:

HaroldAndEthelMeaker · 23/02/2022 03:40

I would say yes, because he's benefitting from not having to commute to work so that frees up some time. Many people do family shopping, banking, phone calls etc. during their work-breaks too, so there's no reason why he can't do 15 mins childcare (or more!) on his lunchbreak at home if he's not busy with some other family-related tasks. And he has enough time to vape in his schedule and have lunch, so he clearly is not too up against it during his working day. And the burden of caring for the home should be shared during the other hours of the day too. You should both get a fair share of time for yourselves, whether that's to vape (in his case) or get some fresh air and quiet time (in yours) or whatever else. He's taking the mickey.

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 03:43

He's been out twice since I asked.
The last time I said are you seriously off out again? Are you trying to upset me and deliberately be ridiculous?
I got told it has nothing to do with me and when asked if he was rubbing salt into the wound he said 'I can do if you want' and stomped out with a banana.

OP posts:

Limpshade · 23/02/2022 03:44

Ugh my husband tried the, "Well if I was in the office, you wouldn't get help with X". I gave that pretty short shrift. If I was working in the office, he'd have to spend a fucking fortune on before and after school care! He hasn't tried that one since.

He should absolutely be giving you a 15 minute break. That's very little to him and a lot to you.

user1481840227 · 23/02/2022 04:02

Do you make his lunch?
I would stop doing anything that makes his life easier.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 23/02/2022 04:16

I suggest you apply for marriage counselling, just as you're not getting anywhere with communicating with each other as just the two of you.

You can hopefully agree a way forward with another person present, without the resentment from both sides.

Angliski · 23/02/2022 04:18

I’ve always worked from home. We have a toddler. I absolutely scoot down to give DH a break whenever I can between calls and meetings, empty dishwasher etc and also to get some good cuddling in and make sure the little one gets some veg and fruit in. I’m sorry you get so little support OP. You anbu.

user1471604848 · 23/02/2022 04:31

He absolutely should give you a break.
I have a senior, high-pressure job.
Every day at 12:00 I give my nanny a 30-min break, and feed my toddlers their lunch. I also do all the cooking for them (I batch cook). While they eat I'll put on a load of laundry/transfer to dryer /empty the dishwasher etc. I'm always thinking of what needs to be done.
Almost every day at 6pm I give the toddlers their dinner. I do all bedtimes, and then once they're asleep at 8pm, most nights I have more work meetings till 9 or 10.
My routine shows me that so many busy working people (dads) hide behind work to avoid children/house work, when they could easily do more if they wanted to.

Some day when you know he's not in a meeting, could you bring the children to him, and say you're off for a 30-min walk? And then do that every day.

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 05:22

He'll not speak to me for a bit now as my punishment for this.
What sort of weird behaviour do men think they can dish out?

OP posts:

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 05:23

He'd just let the kids trash the house if I left for half an hour. Then I'd return to destruction as punishment

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 23/02/2022 06:36

If you haven't already, I'd mention they too are his children.
and why doesn't he want to do anything for his children?
I'd also say you aren't a machine who can go 247.

pastabest · 23/02/2022 06:45

Just leave.

He sounds unpleasant to live with. Why would you want to live like that?

If you are already doing it all anyway why not go and do it somewhere else where you don't have to put up with his unpleasantness.

Sparkleandshine1 · 23/02/2022 07:04

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, especially as you gave explained to him how much you need his help. I had a similar argument with my DH about the whole "well you are on maternity and what would you do if I had to go out to work" and I also got told that single parents do it all on their own. I told him that as far as I was aware, I wasn't a single mum and that I had two children with a person I was still married to and he wasn't out working but had the benefit of working from home but I said most importantly, I couldn't understand what an arsehole he was that he could just watch me struggle and suffer instead of helping in any way. I also told him if I was a single Kim, he would have to be responsible wholly for the childcare on the days he had them and not be able ti see them everyday when he chooses as he does now.
I'm not saying he has completely got it because it is probably our no. 1 argument but he does do more. You need to make your points to him when you are both calm in an effort to find a resolution forward. I'd also add that I know you have lots to say but make your points concisely and stop speaking. He has to come to a realisation my husband will often storm off after heated discussions but seems to think about what I say and come back in a better frame of mind in a more conciliatory tone.
I suppose in the long term if he really doesn't want to help you, you need to decide if you really are better of genuinely alone since you are doing it all anyway. At least you won't be bringing up your children around an atmosphere of lots of arguments and feeling resentful all the time that way. Sending you hugs, I hope he sees sense

autienotnaughty · 23/02/2022 07:07

Does he not eat lunch with you and kids? Tbh when my husband wfh I don't tend to get a break during day but I'm often out and about with kids anyway. If we are at home at lunch at same time we generally eat together, if I was having a bad day I would absolutely disappear for ten min if I needed it. What about after work? I cook tea then dh plays with kids while I sort kitchen etc. not a break really but I put tv or music on and enjoy the quiet. We do bed time together and then from 730 we are child free. Sounds like your husband is determined to keep the same boundaries as when he is at work which is unfair he could take opportunity to support you.

whosaidtha · 23/02/2022 07:17

I don't think he should be giving you a break in the working day. He is working. He is being paid by his employer to work. I would be annoyed if I had to take time out of my day when working. And it wouldn't be 10 minutes. What can you do in 10 minutes?

On the other hand he should be pulling his weight completely when he's not at work. After 5 he should take the kids, cook the tea, bath and bed, over nights if needed should be 50/50. That's where he needs to step up to support you.

LatentPhase · 23/02/2022 07:27

My exH once came back from work ‘feeling unwell’ (vaguely tired).

I had a 2yo and a baby with an upset tummy. While I was on the floor, exhausted I asked him to change a nappy. He said no, ‘you should behave as though I’m at work’.

Honestly that was one moment (of so very many) in my life when my love and respect for him really drained away.

I left him 9 years ago and life has been immeasurably better for me and the kids since.

He lives a mile down the road and barely has any relationship with the dc now. They are both teens and see him for what he is - a prick.

ByHook0rByCrook · 23/02/2022 07:31

I wfh, my partner is studying p/t and running the house. We are both women.

I sort the kitchen in the morning, before doing the school run. At various points throughout the day, I will do a task alongside boiling the kettle or after I have my lunch. At night I do a load of dishes, fold laundry, etc. Put kids to bed, sort their clothes for the next day, etc.

There is always something that I can do, and I always look for it. My partner is always on the go, as well. We check in with each other - what's needs doing, who has capacity, who can do what. I would never, ever swan off and leave her to do it all, day and night. I'm right here, I don't commute, I have the time.

Your partner isn't treating you as an equal, OP. You deserve better.

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 07:36

@whosaidtha

I'm asking him to instead of going out for a vape, to think about me for a second and give me that time instead. He went out twice after I'd spoken to him about perhaps he could have looked after the kids for 5mins.

And no, he doesn't eat lunch with us.
Rats at his desk while watching movies/TV while stuff downloads that he needs for work.
Hard life.

OP posts:

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 07:41

It's the malice and resentment behind it.
If he'd said he didn't have 5mins then ok.
But watching movie and TV and out every hour at least but telling your wife no way, to a request a break, it's horrible.

OP posts:

Violet1988 · 23/02/2022 07:58

Just a different perspective as what WFH parent can look like in terms of division of responsibilities. My husband works full time from home, I'm on maternity leave with a 12 week old and have a 3 year old home full time and five year old in school. DH works 7-5. He works his first two hours downstairs and makes our morning drinks and children's cereal so I can feed baby and then is downstairs to watch them eat safely to free me up to get things ready for the school run. At lunch time if I'm not out with the younger two, we all spend that hour walking the dog together and then eating some sandwiches I have prepared earlier in the day. Once he finishes work I put the tea on and then shower while it cooks while he spends time with kids. He does the dishes afterwards. He baths and puts to bed our two oldest and I bath and put to bed the baby.

Flip

1 2 3