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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Working from home

65 replies

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 02:12

If you or partner are working from home, do you give the other person a break in the day. I'm not talking an hour, but 10/15 mins to just give them a break from small children.

Huge argument with husband who works from home.
Have said before that 2 children under 3 is hard going and perhaps he could instead of going out for numerous vapes outside, turn left and see if I could do with 10 minutes outside.

I've asked 'nicely' I've pointed out that he gets about 5+ vape breaks per day and takes lunch to his desk to eat etc and therefore it might be nice to give me a pathetic 15 minute break?
I've been passive aggressive and made comments and finally just been upset and told him he's a shit husband.
Is he though or am I asking too much?

My argument is that I spend all day and all night with the children, feed them all day, play, clear away food from weaning baby and child, I do all domestic chores, daily vacuum, clear up cat litter, daily laundry at least 1 load, empty and stack dishwasher and I clean up from the day at night, including the floor from dinner and plates etc. So it's not like I'm relaxing.

His argument is that if he was at work, I'd get no break.
Mine is... but you aren't at work, and why wouldn't you give your wife a break? Especially if she's saying she's worn out.

He spent longer giving me reasons why he never gets a break, and various others things he does which mean he doesn't need to, rather than just saying, ok.
I told him he was a shit husband and he would give a random person off the street a break over me.

It's very depressing

OP posts:

whysoserious123 · 23/02/2022 08:22

@Violet1988

Just a different perspective as what WFH parent can look like in terms of division of responsibilities. My husband works full time from home, I'm on maternity leave with a 12 week old and have a 3 year old home full time and five year old in school. DH works 7-5. He works his first two hours downstairs and makes our morning drinks and children's cereal so I can feed baby and then is downstairs to watch them eat safely to free me up to get things ready for the school run. At lunch time if I'm not out with the younger two, we all spend that hour walking the dog together and then eating some sandwiches I have prepared earlier in the day. Once he finishes work I put the tea on and then shower while it cooks while he spends time with kids. He does the dishes afterwards. He baths and puts to bed our two oldest and I bath and put to bed the baby.

This is the kind of situation you find yourself in when BOTH people in the relationship fully respect eachother and understand how each person contributes to the happiness of the relationship

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 08:32

I've spoken to him again and he gave a list of why it's not a break, it's a vape.
He gets no break.
When do I give him a break.
Oh and it's all about me.

Then he went outside to vape.

You couldn't make it up.

OP posts:

PinkTonic · 23/02/2022 08:32

@Violet1988

He doesn’t really work from 7 though does he if he’s making all your breakfasts and watching two children whilst you’re upstairs fully occupied feeding? And he takes his full hour for lunch and finishes on the dot. Not everyone who works from home has that kind of time in the day.

Having said that the OPs husband sounds like a prick for not picking up anything household or children related even before or after work. It can’t be a surprise though can it? And this is child 3.

Violet1988 · 23/02/2022 09:05

To clarify he makes two hot drinks and puts cereal in two bowls with milk between 6:45 and logging on at 7. He works from 7 in the kitchen at the laptop so he's in the room while our three year old is eating. I'm also up at 6:30 and downstairs with the baby and finished feeding for 7. Him been in that room means I'm able to go around the house getting children's clothes, and water bottle, book-bag whatever needs sorting for school. He goes up to his office when we leave for the school run. Yes hes lucky to get an hour for lunch which is unpaid and we are lucky he can usually finish at 5pm not always but most of the time.

Violet1988 · 23/02/2022 09:07

Reread my initial comment and seen why you thought that now it's worded a little wrong x

MalbecandToast · 23/02/2022 09:13

What a prick, how cruel do you have to be to see your wife on her fucking knees, asking for a five min breather and walk past that to go and vape instead. This is not how you treat someone you love, its just not

LaCerbiatta · 23/02/2022 09:15

Are you on mat leave or a SAHM? Maybe going back to work would be a good idea and would put an end to this obvious inequality in your relationship.

I really don't understand why women put themselves in this position time and time again. I would go back to work even if my salary didn't cover childcare costs.

stuntbubbles · 23/02/2022 09:19

He should not only give you a break, he should want to give you a break!

He doesn’t have a commute, he gets a lunch break, he gets vape breaks FFS, but he also gets the freedom of deciding when those breaks are. He should be using his lunch break to help get lunch ready for everyone, housework, giving you a break, etc, otherwise why work from home?

I honestly can’t imagine WFH and leaving DP downstairs with DC all day and not sharing the load. Your DH is treating his workday as an 8-hour block of time where he’s not a parent, instead of seeing the lunch break as parent time.

stuntbubbles · 23/02/2022 09:20

Have you tried breaking his stupid vape sticks? I would.

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/02/2022 09:23

He has no intention of doing any "wife-work" which includes anything to do with raising kids, running a house, cooking, cleaning, mental load.

His "work" is his get-out-of-jail-free card. In his head, because he earns money, he doesn't have to do anything else.

Well, fuck that.

That's not marriage. It's not partnership. It's dehumanising you into the role of a domestic appliance that has no rights or voice.

The first thing I would do is to go on strike. Do absolutely nothing for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, life admin. He can totally do one.

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 09:38

Im on maternity yes. Putting 2 small children in daycare isn't something I want to do for numerous reasons and it would make no difference to him as a person. I'd still get the joy of housework, school, kids sickness etc and we'd be no better off financially.
I'm going back to work soon hopefully at the weekends so he can see how he gets on with them all then.
He's very lucky
He just doesn't see it.

OP posts:

Flyg · 23/02/2022 09:45

My ex was like this.

Hence the ex. He was so selfish, looking back i think he took some sick pleasure from watching me getting gradually worn down. My life is so much better now, it is extremely hard being a single mum sometimes, but it was worse when i was struggling and another adult was just looking on doing nothing.

You have my sympathy, I would suggest using a nursery if you can afford it, even if its just for half a day twice a week or something, you need to recharge, you cant go 247.

Flyg · 23/02/2022 09:46

Just to add as well, it will get easier as your kids get older.

Trolleedollee · 23/02/2022 10:09

I'm going to be controversial and say that I don't think that he's particularly unreasonable to not help you through the day. However, he should be helping you before and after work. During my work day I'm in work mode and my day is entirely focused on managing that. I do other things during the day but that's on my terms and during work hours I don't want to commit to anything in addition to that. Anything non work related which is time committed during the day just doesn't work for me.

Justkeeppedaling · 23/02/2022 10:23

His argument is that if he was at work, I'd get no break.
Mine is... but you aren't at work, and why wouldn't you give your wife a break? Especially if she's saying she's worn out

But he IS at work. He's just not in the office.

I wfh, and not sure I would want to fit childcare in between my Teams meetings.

Original poster

WifeBroken · 23/02/2022 10:44

@Justkeeppedaling

His argument is that if he was at work, I'd get no break. Mine is... but you aren't at work, and why wouldn't you give your wife a break? Especially if she's saying she's worn out

But he IS at work. He's just not in the office.

I wfh, and not sure I would want to fit childcare in between my Teams meetings.

I'm not asking him to fit childcare in between meetings. I'm asking for him instead of going out to vape, to watch the kids for 5mins so I can get a 5 min breather. He goes out all day vaping and sits alone at his desk watching TV shows as he works. We have to be quiet as he works in the living area, so it is actually him who puts us put ad I can't blast peppa pig all day. Just for comparison, if I need to work on the weekend, he will put music on full blast, TV, kids screaming and playing and he'll just go and leave them to vape.

I could understand if this was a really full on job, but it's not.
Work mode or not. If it's easier in the office, whys he not go there then.

OP posts:

MalbecandToast · 23/02/2022 10:48

@Justkeeppedaling its not childcare for gods sake, its 5 sodding minutes! He's seeing his wife struggle and still not helping, that makes him unbelievably cruel. If you think his behaviour is ok then I'm appalled. No one should watch their partner struggle on when they can do something to help - in this case sit with their kids for 5 mins so OP can have a breather. It's sad how LITTLE she asks of him and he still won't do it.

ByHook0rByCrook · 23/02/2022 10:49

He either dgaf, or worse, actively enjoys seeing you struggling.

What will you do to change your situation? Because you've tried to appeal to his better nature and it seems like he doesn't have one.

stuntbubbles · 23/02/2022 10:52

We have to be quiet as he works in the living area, so it is actually him who puts us put ad I can't blast peppa pig all day.
Oh, FUCK THAT SHIT. Nah. It’s a home with a workplace in it, and he has to fit that workplace around the home, not the other way around. Peppa Pig, STAT. Invite kids round for play dates. Bring the play dough and paints into the living area. Fuck him and his vapes. How long are you going to tiptoe around him? The more you post the more awful and selfish he sounds.

If he doesn’t like Peppa and glitter on his keyboard and big noisy games and all his vapes snapped in half – I volunteer as tribute to come round and do this – he can go back to the office and I bet you’d be better off, because you can use the TV to get a break, and not have to tiptoe around him or use emotional energy begging him to prioritise you over his bloody vapes.

peacefullife · 23/02/2022 14:36

You’ve got a selfish git for a husband. He’s WFH in the living area? If he’s got an office he should go there OR he mucks in a couple of times a day. Why exactly does he get everything his way all the time? Let the kids run riot. Make him go back to the office. What a prick

Toomanyradishes · 23/02/2022 14:58

Men like this are why presenteeism in the office has been so long rewarded, ive lost track of the number of men who stay late at the office because they are so important and so busy, but their going home time just happens to coincide with when the children are safely in bed, so they havent had to do any parenting. Then they get promoted for being so 'focused' when in reality they are being shit parents. Not all of them, but ive seen enough men openly admit that is why they are working late

5128gap · 23/02/2022 15:40

I think a lot of men deeply resent their stay at home partners. So many men who at one time were presumably good husband and father material, hence women being with them, seem to suddenly display these behaviours when they're the only wage earner. When it goes beyond male entitlement and actually becomes unkindness, as in this case, it often means they have an issue with you/the arrangements.

roarfeckingroarr · 23/02/2022 16:09

He's a shit husband and a shit father

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/02/2022 16:14

Ash him how he’d manage 50/50 childcare and all the associated house work?

Pandai · 23/02/2022 16:19

If it's easier in the office, whys he not go there then.

Sounds like he should go back to the office.

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