Did I deserve to be sowrn at?

[Question887]

Just a quick question, obviously wider issues but he makes me think I'm going crazy sometimes so need to check if I was wrong here.

Background. I do every single bit of house work, cooking etc. I only work part time but partner works even less, share a 2 year old son.

Today I'm working at home, only 6 hours so not long at all. Between my working day I have already been out for an appointment and got to take my son to his dad's.

Partner looking after our son today because I'm working, he does this twice a week. I've been downstairs 3 times during my working day to wash up and clean the kitchen after him. Also, done the hoovering and washing during my working day when I get a 5 min break and watched our son 20 min during work for partner to use bathroom (spends ages on toilet) and not had time for shower myself yet.

He spends the morning playing on phone/TV and letting son watch TV/play on phone. We always take him out during the day, he finally gets him out at 1.45 and back half hr later. I hear him come in and DS wants to stay out and he's saying your mum will take you out. Bear in mind I've not even showered or eaten lunch at 3pm and he's had all day. I finish work and he's on Xbox, son on phone. So I say (probably where I'm in the wrong) that seen as I've worked 3 times as many hours as him, done all house work and not had lunch it would have been nice if he could have taken DS out a bit longer as he's been on the phone a lot.

He said he hadn't had time to take him out because of work (he's working 3.30-5.30), so I say he's had until 3.30 to do something and he's told me to fuck off (in front of child). I've asked him not to swear at me and I should be able to discuss things without being sworn at and he said I'm having a go at him, he's not in the mood for me and stomped off.

Im so fed up of doing everything and not being able to raise any issue without being seen as a depressive/having issues/being sqorn at.

So question. How do I raise issues without being told I'm miserable/depressive/being sworn at??

Oh lovely, dump him.

Yeah, you dump him I'm afraid.

Lazy good for nothing.

I do every single bit of house work, cooking etc

WHY?

Just stop.

Tell him to pull his weight.

To be honest after being to 'fuck off' in front of my child I'd be packing him a bag and telling him to leave his keys behind.

I was about to suggest get rid of him but you have a DC together, but it's still possible. Do you own or rent your property, does he pay equally towards bills and food.

This is literally not fixable. The fact you do every single bit of housework shows his contempt for you.

What do you get out of this relationship?

He sounds like a waste of space.

So question. How do I raise issues without being told I'm miserable/depressive/being sworn at??

You cannot.

You are seeking a magic bullet that does not exist.

It is common to want this - the frustration at not being heard, the need to achieve some kind of compromise from them & parity for yourself - so you start imagining there is some magical form of words that will finally get through to him.

There isn't, & he won't change.
Why would he? He can sit on his arse all day while you work & do everything else. There is no consequence to him, because if you raise the unfairness, he can just tell you to fuck off.

There's no reasoning with that.
A man who is prepared to treat you like this is not a man who is interested in self-improvement, or fairness.

Also - why does he work even less that part-time?
Reckon you've got a cocklodger there. Still, at least you didn't marry him, so ejecting him from your home shouldn't be too much of a problem, should it?

I've been downstairs 3 times during my working day to wash up and clean the kitchen after him

He’s a big baby. Who had to work 2 hours in a day, diddums. Telling you to FO for good measure. What a charming fellow.

I doubt he’ll ever change from such a skinny, disrespectful level.

You could have a lovely time with your 2 year old without Mr Misery making your life miserable. It’s another LTB from me.

slobby not skinny!

DS would be better off with childminder or in nursery. He's not really looking after him beyond being in the same room. Most 2 yo need exercise and an activity to do.

I'm intrigued which job he does for only 2 hours a day!

Why are you doing all the house work?

I wasn't clear from your post, is your DS your partners son?

Oh god, is this the fucking Xbox-obsessed part time doctor AGAIN???!!!'

Ok, so maybe I wasn't being unreasonable. I assume I came across as trying to antagonise him but I wasn't. Its just once hes done his 2 hours work (and nothing in the house) he goes on as if he needs several hours break, yet I'm expected to work, do all housework and take the child out and go shopping.

He came downstairs and said 'here you go, you're going to be miserable all evening now' I said i wasn't happy with how he spoke to me. He said 'ive had DS all morning' so I said 'whats your point. I'm working' and he told me to 'shut it' and left the room!

I can't fathom why he speaks to me like this but what upsets me most is that he then puts it on me. So he says something nasty and it upsets me, so I go quiet (not to cause an arguement but because I'm worried whatever I say, he will turn it on me. Then he tells me I'm a depressive and miserable and I need to change my ways as I'm miserable to live with.

And yes my partner is his father

LTB

You would be better off single.

Men l8ke this need to blam3 somebody for all of life's minor irritations even when you do everything for them. They're still permanently irritated and shouting at you is a lovely little valve for them.

They are lovely to their boss, the neigbour, elderly aunt who might leave them a few bob, gorgeous woman at work et cetera, none of those people get shouted at.

So they can control it but they have decided you deserve to be shouted at. Get turned off. Dont try and figure him out. Its simple. He feels better after he's shouted at you.

Tell him "yes im miserable and i qm releasing you. Namaste."

Tell him to take his Xbox and phone and get out. The level of disrespect and unequal burden of housework and childcare is palpable!

You can't fathom why he speaks to you like this but lundy bancroft made me see it.
He speaks to you like this to avoid doing childcare, housework, to avoid doing his share. He gets hours and hours of relaxation in the week that you do not get.
He likes it that way.
He shouts at you to train you to accept this.

No, you definitely did not deserve to be sworn at. That is not the way someone is supposed to treat their partner, and it is not justifiable in any way.

@Question887

Ok, so maybe I wasn't being unreasonable. I assume I came across as trying to antagonise him but I wasn't. Its just once hes done his 2 hours work (and nothing in the house) he goes on as if he needs several hours break, yet I'm expected to work, do all housework and take the child out and go shopping.

He came downstairs and said 'here you go, you're going to be miserable all evening now' I said i wasn't happy with how he spoke to me. He said 'ive had DS all morning' so I said 'whats your point. I'm working' and he told me to 'shut it' and left the room!

I can't fathom why he speaks to me like this but what upsets me most is that he then puts it on me. So he says something nasty and it upsets me, so I go quiet (not to cause an arguement but because I'm worried whatever I say, he will turn it on me. Then he tells me I'm a depressive and miserable and I need to change my ways as I'm miserable to live with.

Well as he thinks your miserable to live with he can leave then.

However I suspect he won't;he's got it way too good;someone else pays the majority of the bills and does all the shopping/cooking/cleaning/laundry etc

So it is the doctor??

Why keep posting about him but not doing anything to change the situation?

He will NOT change, he doesn't need to as there are no consequences to his behaviour. You've made it clear you have no intention of leaving him.

Everyone's advice is always the same. You always ignore it. I don't know what you hope will happen this time.

Its just once hes done his 2 hours work (and nothing in the house) he goes on as if he needs several hours break, yet I'm expected to work, do all housework and take the child out and go shopping

He sounds awful as he expects you to do everything & then is difficult when you try to challenge him. He's trying to make out that you're the unreasonable one by stating that you're miserable. No wonder if he's relaxing instead of looking after DS properly. He was obviously waiting for you to finish work so you could take DS out.

Can you afford childcare? Do you earn the most & can manage without him?

Ah here we go again, the deflection begins. He's now decided he's really ill. Obviously he's terribly ill and I'm unreasonable suggesting he actually do something with our child because of how ill he is (despite him telling me the reason he couldn't do anything is because he had no time because of work).
He's now said if I'm going to yoga I need to keep my phone on incase I need to come back
Such a piss take. I do one class a week for an hour and only started last week. Literally doing it because he moaned I'm a depressive and need to get out of the house (even though I'm out he house or working 5 days a week) and then we do things at weekends. Oh and he does bugger all. Literally. Nothing.
If I'm ill he doesn't help me. He even woke me up the other week when ill so I could have ojr child whilst he played Xbox.

This is his deflection now for sweaeing at me and telling me to shut it.

Argh typos. Sorry.