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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I deserve to be sowrn at?

67 replies

Question887 · 22/02/2022 15:24

Just a quick question, obviously wider issues but he makes me think I'm going crazy sometimes so need to check if I was wrong here.

Background. I do every single bit of house work, cooking etc. I only work part time but partner works even less, share a 2 year old son.

Today I'm working at home, only 6 hours so not long at all. Between my working day I have already been out for an appointment and got to take my son to his dad's.

Partner looking after our son today because I'm working, he does this twice a week. I've been downstairs 3 times during my working day to wash up and clean the kitchen after him. Also, done the hoovering and washing during my working day when I get a 5 min break and watched our son 20 min during work for partner to use bathroom (spends ages on toilet) and not had time for shower myself yet.

He spends the morning playing on phone/TV and letting son watch TV/play on phone. We always take him out during the day, he finally gets him out at 1.45 and back half hr later. I hear him come in and DS wants to stay out and he's saying your mum will take you out. Bear in mind I've not even showered or eaten lunch at 3pm and he's had all day. I finish work and he's on Xbox, son on phone. So I say (probably where I'm in the wrong) that seen as I've worked 3 times as many hours as him, done all house work and not had lunch it would have been nice if he could have taken DS out a bit longer as he's been on the phone a lot.

He said he hadn't had time to take him out because of work (he's working 3.30-5.30), so I say he's had until 3.30 to do something and he's told me to fuck off (in front of child). I've asked him not to swear at me and I should be able to discuss things without being sworn at and he said I'm having a go at him, he's not in the mood for me and stomped off.

Im so fed up of doing everything and not being able to raise any issue without being seen as a depressive/having issues/being sqorn at.

So question. How do I raise issues without being told I'm miserable/depressive/being sworn at??

OP posts:
Original poster
Question887 · 22/02/2022 18:26

I'm supposed to be leaving in 5 minutes and he's gone to bed.

OP posts:
pompey38 · 22/02/2022 18:28

Lazy twat aside, why you both work so little? how do you support yourself??

Dimebag10M · 22/02/2022 18:33

He obviously is punishing you by going to bed so you can't go to yoga Angry

UserBotLurking9to5 · 22/02/2022 18:37

Do you believe being single is worse than this?
It isn't. I promise you I know this from experience.

My x also tried to train me to just accept that i did all the housework and all the childcare.

My only regret is not leaving sooner.

Knittingchamp · 22/02/2022 18:39

Dump him love, he's lazy and revolting.

Lunificent · 22/02/2022 18:40

Don’t waste you time raising issues. This man will never ever change. You will be better off without him.
Telling you to fuck off and to shut it is abuse. Not acceptable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/02/2022 18:41

Wake up. He's a lazy tosser and an abusive twat. And you need to make plans to leave. Can you talk to your family or friends about next steps?

snowdropsanddaffodils · 22/02/2022 18:47

How to you pay the bills if he works less than part time??

GrazingSheep · 22/02/2022 18:49

I feel so sorry for your children but especially for your older son having to live with this.

Original poster
Question887 · 22/02/2022 18:53

With regards to money, I dropped a day's work when our child was born because he didnt think he could physically cope with him 3 full days a week. He earns a very very high hourly wage, so more than enough. He pays the rent and I pay bills, the rent is extortionate.

I walked upstairs loudly, got dressed. Told him I was going and when he came down to have DS I left for yoga.

OP posts:
coldfeetmama · 22/02/2022 18:54

Pleas don't tell me this is the Dr who works 10 hrs a week
Is a shit person
A shit partner
A shit father
And uses drugs
So is a shit Dr too

If it is , you've been advised sooo many times to get rid

layladomino · 22/02/2022 18:55

Please please please please please leave this man.

He is lazy. Thinks housework and childcare is 'women's work' (even if the woman does more paid work than him). Puts his xbox over being with his child. Thinks you should look after your child while ill so he can play. Treats you like a servant or (unpaid) housekeeper.

And then when you (very reasonably) call him out on it, he swears at you. In front of your child. Disgusting on all counts.

No you don't deserve to be sworn at. More to the point your child doesn't deserve to have to listen to their father swearing at their mother. Children learn from the adult relationships around them. Do you want your child to learn this is how men should treat women? Expecting them to be servants, do all the work, be treated like a skivvy, sworn at?

Your life will be so much easier without him in it. One less 'child' to run around after and clean up after. The resentment will go. The being sworn at and treated with utter contempt will be in the past. You can be happy in your new life, and show your DC what a calm and loving, respectful home should be like.

You deserve better.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/02/2022 18:56

Is this the doctor again?

I feel like it is and with all respect OP, get you and your son out of this ridiculously toxic environment because your son is now a witnessing you being verbally abused in your own home. All while being taught that even if a woman works and a man works less, it's still by default the woman's job to cook, clean and provide childcare because she is the one with the vagina.

You can't fix this relationship because he doesn't want it to be fixed. He doesn't want you to be a happy couple, he wants to do what he wants to do with as little resistance or challenge as possible even if it means you being unhappy and unsupported.

Stop showing your son this utter toxicity and get the ball rolling with a break up.

Everything else can follow.

Quadrilingual · 22/02/2022 18:56

I'm sorry to hear you've had to put up with this OP. Does he have depression or anxiety by any chance? Or is he the kind of person whose mum or dad were very very soft and never told him to do anything growing up? Not making excuses for him of course I just wondered because my DH can sometimes be like this also when I've done tons more housework and worked longer and harder than him. Just like yours, he puts it on me that I'm miserable and naggy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/02/2022 18:57

@coldfeetmama

Pleas don't tell me this is the Dr who works 10 hrs a week Is a shit person A shit partner A shit father And uses drugs So is a shit Dr too

If it is , you've been advised sooo many times to get rid

Oh got I forgot about the drugs too.

Ffs.

OP how many times will people need to unanimously tell you how badly you should break up with him before you believe them?

PlinkyDot · 22/02/2022 19:01

The OP is not responding to people's posts and is in fact completely ignoring them. Whilst just adding more complaints, like a diary. Kinda rude. I didn't realise this was a regular poster doing the same thing every time though.

TracyMosby · 22/02/2022 19:07

he makes me think I'm going crazy sometimes
This should be enough to leave.

Op, do you stay with this arsehole because you like saying your partner is a doctor?

coldfeetmama · 22/02/2022 19:14

I have every bit of empathy and support for anyone going through a hard time
But it infuriates me so much when someone tolerates this bullshit and leaves children vulnerable to this toxic environment

Especially when you have the money time and energy to do something about it

Stop allowing your children to grow up thinking this is normal
Think of their emotional psychological and day to day needs

This has gone on too long

2022IamHavingYa · 22/02/2022 20:29

He sounds like a right catch OP. Am I right in thinking he’s quite a lot older than you too? Get rid of him, he’s using you.

Tina221 · 22/02/2022 20:37

I feel so sorry for your children. He sounds awful to be around

Original poster
Question887 · 22/02/2022 20:43

Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude and will answer any questions.
He's not a doctor and I haven't said he's on drugs, he isn't.
It's not easy to leave I don't have the money at all. If we split up I'm effectively homeless. Our rent costs a fortune and properties are pretty much impossible to come by at the moment.

I've been trying to be as amenable as possible. I've let things slife mad not commented but I'm just trying to be the perfect partner and it's literally getting me nowhere.

I came back from yoga and went straight put to the utility area (to put the hot water on for a bath) and he asked if I was getting rid of used condoms after having an affair and said if I had any sense I'd do what his ex wife did and say I'm going swimming and shower there.
Everytime I go anywhere alone he jokes about me having an affair but has always said he's not jealous at all and I should get out and stop being a depressive.

He apologised when I came in but said he was angry with me because he was ill and I didn't seem to care! He didn't initially mention being ill and has never given a shit when I'm ill, he says he looks after me. That's nonsense. I've never felt so uncared for in a relationship.
He's now drinking on Xbox.

OP posts:
Quadrilingual · 22/02/2022 20:44

It sounds like he has low self esteem issues as well.

TracyMosby · 22/02/2022 20:50

@Quadrilingual

It sounds like he has low self esteem issues as well.
Oh do fuck off! Thats ridiculous. He sounds like he is having an affair.
linchinton · 22/02/2022 20:51

look op it's not going to change for the better, it can only get worse. Do yourself and your child a favour and get the fuck away from this loser.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 21:54

He must earn a huge wage if he only works 2 hrs a day and pays an extortionate rent

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