I'm 23, is it weird for me to date a 29 year old man?

[Lozenge12]

I've been dating a really lovely and respectful man for a couple of months now. He's great and I could see it going somewhere, although do have some concerns as I don't want to 'settle down' for at least another 5/6 years.

I've seen on here that sometimes people will say that when they were 29, they saw 22/23 year olds as children. Is it weird that's he interested in me? It's not too big an age gap is it?

@Nomorepastry

I'm 23 been in a 6 year relationship with a 33 Yr old man who's a childish git.

So, you were 17 and he was 27 when you started dating?

What sort of man in his late twenties dates a 17 year old? And why? He sounds a predatory git.

I met my DH when I was 23 and he was 29. Married 12 years and the age difference is never been an issue!

I was 24 when I married my then 33 year old husband.

No, he's 6 years older. That's nothing!

Why is that predatory? I was 18 when I met my ex who was 28. We met and had a connection and got on well and it was only once we went on a date we realised the age gap. Whys that an issue?

That was for @saysama

@CatRamsey

Why is that predatory? I was 18 when I met my ex who was 28. We met and had a connection and got on well and it was only once we went on a date we realised the age gap. Whys that an issue?

Why was a man pushing 30 not dating a woman of similar age? Why was he dating a teenager with a decade less of life experience? Your prefrontal cortex doesn’t even finish developing until you’re 25.

Do you genuinely think that was an equal relationship?

How old are you now? Would you date an 18 year old?

I was 18 not 17 when we first met. My mum was 15 and dad was in his late 30s when they first dated

@Nomorepastry

I was 18 not 17 when we first met. My mum was 15 and dad was in his late 30s when they first dated

The fact that you were 18 doesn’t change the fact that he is a predator. I remember you from yesterday’s Insta thread - he’s also banned you from his social media so that he can continue to prey on 17 year olds without you watching. And he’s somehow convinced you that this is normal. It’s not.

I’m not going to insult your parents, but have you ever met a 15 year old? Do you think that said 15 year olds should be dating men in their 30’s? No, hopefully, as they are children?

Have I ever met a 15yr old? Well funnily enough, I was one once. I'm not saying it's right or that I agree with it, she had me a few months later and they broke up before I was even born.

I never said he convinced me it was normal to look at 17yr old girls, my family have told me I should be okay with it since it's what 'men do'. I told them 33yr old men don't look at girls half his age but as always I'm wrong

@Nomorepastry

Have I ever met a 15yr old? Well funnily enough, I was one once. I'm not saying it's right or that I agree with it, she had me a few months later and they broke up before I was even born.

I never said he convinced me it was normal to look at 17yr old girls, my family have told me I should be okay with it since it's what 'men do'. I told them 33yr old men don't look at girls half his age but as always I'm wrong

We were all teenage girls. I’m asking how you, now, as an adult view teenage girls.

If you’re not saying it’s right or that you agree with it, then your parents’ relative ages have nothing to do with this conversation. Which is about your predatory partner.

If you haven’t been convinced it’s normal, then why are you tolerating it? You don’t need your family’s blessing to leave a predator.

No it's absolutely fine. You are both adults.

There is no problem with this age gap at all. My parents had a 6 year age gap, as did me and my husband. Although my marriage, is not a good example at all! It was nothing to do with his age, just his personality!
If your man is lovely and respectful, I would not give a second thought to the age gap. Just enjoy it and be happy.

I was already married to a man six years older than me by your age, OP. Still married to him now, nearly 40 years on! It's not been an issue at all.

When I married DH I was 24 and he was 31. Still married 20 odd years later.

Its fine

@Nomorepastry

I was 18 not 17 when we first met. My mum was 15 and dad was in his late 30s when they first dated

I don’t really think that’s the ‘ideal’ though.. do you?

I see why you’re repeating it/similar though. It’s normal for you.

21 to 29 would worry me, but at 23 you are likely completed your education unless you are doing a graduate degree. You are establishing a career and should be financially independent. It’s never really the age gap that is the problem, it’s the power dynamic in terms of money and career. Even a couple of years makes a huge difference in your late teens and early 20s. Sometimes people who only have an age gap of a couple of years in that range really shouldn’t be dating because they are in such different stages in life.

Obviously I'm not saying it's ideal, no. But I don't know any different, that's why I allow predatory behaviour from other men as to me that's what I've been raised with

@Saysama

He wasn't dating a woman of a similar age because he met me and we liked each other. We had things in common and enjoyed each others company. He wasn't actively seeking out someone that much younger. His girlfriend prior to me was 3 years younger than him. Yes I would say it was mostly an equal relationship, in fact any imbalance was probably because I was miles ahead of him in terms of maturity. I do think it depends on the people involved.

I'm 26 now, and I wouldn't look for someone who was 18. But if I started talking to a guy and we got on well and I started to develop feelings for him, and then found out that was he 18 years old, I wouldn't write it off just for that reason.

I absolutely can't stand my ex now and could say a million bad things about him, but being a predator is not one of them.

@CatRamsey At 18, you had lots in common with a man who was pushing 30 and you were ‘miles ahead of him in terms of maturity’? Firstly, he sounds like a real prize. Secondly, neither of those things seems particularly likely. It’s standard for the younger party in these situations to think they were ‘mature’. It’s what they’ve been told by their predators and what they genuinely believe. It doesn’t make it true.

If I started talking to a guy and we got on well and I started to develop feelings for him, and then found out that was he 18 years old, I wouldn't write it off just for that reason

You’ve met 18 year olds (and 16 year olds, since we’re talking about a 10 year age gap). Have you, as a 26 year old woman, ever met a single person in their mid teens with whom you would in good conscience, countenance a serious relationship? It’s all very well to say in the abstract. Think about the boys in their mid teens who you’ve actually met. Do you view them as viable romantic prospects?

If not, do you think you at 18 were an extremely special extra mature person? As it’s considerably more likely that you weren’t, an underdeveloped man child was attracted to that and took advantage of it.

I’ll repeat, your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until you’re around 25. All the claims of ‘maturity’ (what does that even mean in this context?) can’t alter medical fact.

Wouldn’t think twice about this, it isn’t a large gap at all.

[quote Saysama]@CatRamsey At 18, you had lots in common with a man who was pushing 30 and you were ‘miles ahead of him in terms of maturity’? Firstly, he sounds like a real prize. Secondly, neither of those things seems particularly likely. It’s standard for the younger party in these situations to think they were ‘mature’. It’s what they’ve been told by their predators and what they genuinely believe. It doesn’t make it true.

If I started talking to a guy and we got on well and I started to develop feelings for him, and then found out that was he 18 years old, I wouldn't write it off just for that reason

You’ve met 18 year olds (and 16 year olds, since we’re talking about a 10 year age gap). Have you, as a 26 year old woman, ever met a single person in their mid teens with whom you would in good conscience, countenance a serious relationship? It’s all very well to say in the abstract. Think about the boys in their mid teens who you’ve actually met. Do you view them as viable romantic prospects?

If not, do you think you at 18 were an extremely special extra mature person? As it’s considerably more likely that you weren’t, an underdeveloped man child was attracted to that and took advantage of it.

I’ll repeat, your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until you’re around 25. All the claims of ‘maturity’ (what does that even mean in this context?) can’t alter medical fact.[/quote]
Yes we had lots in common. I don't understand how he can be a predator when he had no idea of my age when started dating? He wasn't the one who told me I was mature. I've always known that my whole life. I've never quite fitted in with my own age group.

I do think I was unusually mature. I was working full time at 18 and bought a house when I was 20 and he was 30. I sorted it all out myself, no family help, nothing. All ex did was give me some documents and sign the papers. He would still be living with his mum now if I hadn't encouraged us to get on the property ladder. One thing we do agree on is he was certainly a man child! My point is that even though I was young, I wanted to settle down. I wanted something that men my own age wouldn't have been interested in.

As for teenagers I know? Of course many of them are very young minded, into completely different things to me and I don't find them viable romantic prospects. But of course there could be some out there who are mature and want the same things as me, in which case there could be the chance I'd be attracted to them. 16 is different as they are legally a child but an 18 year old is an adult and there's absolutely nothing wrong with two consenting adults having a relationship. It's a real shame that you're so quick to judge people as predators just because you don't agree with their romantic choices.

Medical fact can't be altered but I'd imagine 25 is an average or a baseline as not everyone is exactly the same. I highly doubt everyone wakes up on their 25th birthday suddenly a more mature person.

Anyway I'm going to stop here now because I fear we're taking over OPs thread (sorry OP!)

@CatRamsey He found out on your first date, did he not? And continued to date you. He’s a predator.

16 is the age of consent in the U.K. A 16 year old is a ‘consenting adult’. I agree that 16 times is a child, but there is zero legal difference between a 16 year old and an 18 year old, so it’s interesting that you’d bring up legality.

So, no, of the actual non-abstract kids in their mid teens that you have actually met in real life, none of them is a viable option for a relationship with someone pushing 30? Fancy that. So, someone pushing 30 who dated one of them would be a predator, but you were different and mature. Again, this seems highly unlikely.

Having a job and buying a house have nothing to do with maturity. I thought you’d say something like that. Much like the ‘I was different from people my age’, it’s part of the standard script. Your neural and emotional development are in no way impacted by getting a mortgage or paying taxes.

People don’t wake up at 25 as a mature person. The same way people don’t wake up at 18 (the mystical age where you think adulthood begins) as an adult person. However, at 25 they wake up 7 years further along in their development from when they were 18.

It’s a real shame that you continue to support grown men preying on young girls because you are reluctant to accept that you yourself were preyed upon.

Dating teenagers isn’t a ‘romantic choice’ if you are ten years older. It is vile predatory behaviour, taking advantage of someone who, regardless of their personal traits, isn’t fully developed and is in a position of disadvantage. I will continue to condemn it wholeheartedly.

My mum was 15 and dad was in his late 30s when they first dated

@Nomorepastry That's called child abuse.