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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H arrested for Domestic Abuse - blame

68 replies

TwittleBee · 21/02/2022 12:21

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off, but when they asked for me to make a statement I did tell them what had been happening.

Idk though, it doesn't seem as bad as it does on TV etc, it feels so strong to call it abuse.

He has so many positive qualities to him too.

PILs and my Mum are blaming me for him being in a cell and looking at charge etc.

I've been told I'm not a good enough wife, he should be given more time off and it's unfair I expect he does any "childcare" as he is a man. I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

Idk what to do or say. I feel so alone without any family suport

OP posts:

Shuffleuplove · 21/02/2022 12:22

Omg. Your family are disgusting. I’m so so sorry. And this is NOT your fault.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/02/2022 12:25

We believe you. And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are not responsible for hos behaviour. If he needs help it is on him to get some. Sorry everyone is blaming you - they really shouldnt. Have you got any friends you can lean on?

pinkyredrose · 21/02/2022 12:25

. I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

Whoever told you that needs their head testing. You did the right thing. Please leave him and the violence excusing people in your life, you deserve to be treated with respect and as an equal.

badalmond · 21/02/2022 12:27

Your parents and ILs are not very nice people.

The police don't go as far as arresting people on domestic abuse charges without compelling reasons. The fact they had a tip off means that the abuse is marked enough that it's been noticed by others. I know it's hard to accept that what's been happening is abuse, but you don't need to justify anything. He does. The only reason he has been arrested and may have a hard time in the future is because of the things he has done. Your kids will be so much better off without an abusive parent around.

Be kind to yourself. Do you have any friends or other relatives nearby who you could call for support?

RhubarbFairy · 21/02/2022 12:28

Oh you poor love. You are not to blame. He is. Do you have friends who can support you? Who tipped off the police? Those are the people who have your best interests at heart. Can you make contact with them?

Original poster

TwittleBee · 21/02/2022 12:34

I haven't any friends really, not close ones... since being with H I've lost them all

OP posts:

StormyWindow · 21/02/2022 12:36

If you have a local Freedom Programme running (don't know whether the 'in person' ones have restarted after Covid) that would put you in touch with other people in your situation, also Women's Aid. You need to speak to people who won't minimise what he's done the way your/his family have, here is a good start but you need real life support too. At the very least, please stop listening to them, better to not have them in your life at all if they can't support you and prioritise you rather than defending him.

Newestname002 · 21/02/2022 12:37

@TwittleBee

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off, but when they asked for me to make a statement I did tell them what had been happening.

Thank goodness someone noticed you were being abused and called the police. Well done you for giving a statement. Now please continue to be strong and stick by it.

It is reprehensible that your wider family including, sadly, your own mother are putting any blame on you for his behaviour. He is absolutely the one in the wrong here. I hope you will stay clear of him.

Do check what financial help may be available to help you. Eg: contact your council and claim the 25% single adult discount for your council tax. You should be able to do this online.

Speak to Citizens Advice and/or check www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you might be eligible for. Stay safe and good luck. 🌹

Natty13 · 21/02/2022 12:39

Honey, the ONLY person to blame is him. He committed a crime and is facing consequences.

For comparison, my dad told me once if I ever stayed with a man who abused me he would cut me out of his life as he could bear to know I was suffering. If my DH ever did anything to me I know I could call my (late 60s) dad and he would move heaven and earth to help me. That's how a parent should respond. They are all arseholes, im sorry and you deserve so much better. At least this is a safe space and you have us

Susu49 · 21/02/2022 12:41

I echo all of the above.

It's also abusive behaviour that he has separated you from you friends. Who were you closest to? How would you feel about reaching out to them and explaining, asking for their support in leaving and starting again?

ClawedButler · 21/02/2022 12:43

Well somebody clearly sees it as abuse, because they informed the police.

And the police are taking it seriously.

This means that you can't be making more of it than it really is - because these are outsiders, taking real action. You can't be making it all up or exaggerating if other people can see it.

Your ILs and mum sound like they have extremely low standards for relationships. Opinions like that went out with the Ark.

MaryStuart · 21/02/2022 12:45

@TwittleBee
Your post has made me so sad. How dare your PILs and your own Mother blame you for him being arrested and in a cell. How about placing the blame where it is deserved. On the abuser - him. You have done nothing wrong. At all.

Ignore the bollocks about not being good enough, more time off, him not doing any childcare. What nonsense. The only thing he shouldn’t have done is been abusive to you.
And yes, you absolutely should have spoken out.
Too right things should now be hard for him. Really hard.
Don’t back down on this. Don’t listen to your stupid PILs and Mother. Don’t take him back.
Call Women’s Aid or Refuge if you need help. Stay strong. You can do this.

DowntonCrabby · 21/02/2022 12:45

The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is ZERO, forget what happens in sensationalised TV shows.

This is absolutely not your fault, he is abhorrent. I’m not surprised his own DM is standing by him, that’s sadly so common in these instances. The fact your own mother is blaming you though is truly disgusting and I really hope you have some strong real life support, either other family members or friends.

Please seek therapy ASAP, you need to be around those telling you this is not ok so you start to believe the truth. Those blaming you are gaslighting as just as bad as the abuser.

I’m so sorry OP, please stay strong, you deserve better and your DC deserve not to come to believe any abuse or violence is healthy in any relationship.

tribpot · 21/02/2022 12:46

It sounds like your family and his have normalised domestic violence; it's not hard to see how you ended up with someone like him - repeating patterns you had seen in childhood? It doesn't really sound like you're in the right head space to be deciding what is and isn't abuse.

Clearly both families are also deeply sexist, if they don't believe men should do any parenting of their own children (and that if they do, it is acceptable to abuse the other parent as punishment).

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.
He's committed a crime. If it actually was your fault, the police would have taken you away, wouldn't they? The person who needs help is you.

Please speak to Women's Aid and get on the Freedom Programme. You deserve better than this, your children deserve better than this.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/02/2022 12:48

If someone tipped off the police it had to be bad. They did you a favour. You did yourself a favour by giving a statement.

Now is the time to break free.

Elsiebear90 · 21/02/2022 12:56

This is awful, I’m so glad someone reported it to the police for you, it’s no wonder you feel like you have to protect him when you have people around you telling you it’s your fault he’s in trouble for abusing you! Everything that happens to him is 100% his fault.

Are there cultural issues at play here as it’s an unusual attitude from both sets of parents regarding the abuse and child rearing?

nitsandwormsdodger · 21/02/2022 12:58

Cut the people out of your life who are not supportive of him being in a cell
He may need help but it’s not your place to source it ,or give it HE needs to ask for it from specialists
Get far away from him

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 21/02/2022 13:03

Oh OP, that’s appalling and so sad. My mother actually told my husband to give me a ‘good hiding’ (she frequently walloped me as a child and clearly thought he should continue the abuse - he was horrified)
You deserve so much better, contact Woman’s Aid this afternoon.
Sending you an unMN-sy hug.

Goldenharp · 21/02/2022 13:18

It's probably not a random thing that you've lost close friends since being with H. Abusers like people to be isolated without anybody else to turn to. He must have found your unsupportive mother an additional bonus. Abusers can have redeeming qualities but mostly so they can lure you into accepting their appalling behaviour the rest of the time. If they were unrelievedly awful people would find it a lot easier to leave or not start a relationship in the first place. I can understand your ILs trying to make excuses for their son. I can't understand why your mother is not supporting you though. Did she put up with domestic violence or was she a complete doormat for your father? Anyway, you shouldn't feel guilty - it was bad enough for somebody else to call the police and for them to arrest your H. I hope that life gets better for you and you make some new friends. Are there any old friends you could get in touch with - maybe not to discuss this - but to just try to reactivate the relationship?

5YearsLeft · 21/02/2022 13:18

@TwittleBee

I haven't any friends really, not close ones... since being with H I've lost them all

Please consider contacting the friends you’ve “lost.” If a friend that I lost suddenly contacted me out of the blue and said/messaged, “My DH has been arrested for domestic violence. He wouldn’t let me stay friends with you. Please, I just need some support,” I would absolutely be there for them. Your friends would probably be thrilled to hear that you finally have a chance at freedom and encourage and support you in getting that freedom, even if you haven’t been able to speak to them in years. I’m sure a lot of them knew your DH was isolating you, but they were afraid to make your life more dangerous. As someone else said, if it was a tip off to the police, then obviously it was a high level of violence that couldn’t be ignored, and it sounds like violence may be in both your families, if his parents and your mum are so accepting of it. That’s not how people who love you act - they do not support you ever being in a situation where anyone abuses you.

And the truth is that abuse very seldom looks exactly like TV. If it did, it would be so much easier to spot. Instead, it’s something much more slippery, and you think, “Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it IS my fault. Maybe I should try harder,” just because you don’t have a black eye or he didn’t put you in hospital, or maybe it’s even more emotional or financial abuse instead of strictly physical abuse. But it’s all abuse, and it’s all dangerous, and someone who loves you, like a true friend, wouldn’t want that for you. Your family should support you too, but since yours are in some kind of serious denial (abuse is no one’s fault but the abuser), you’ll have to find other people to support you - I’m so sorry, as that’s very tough.

titchy · 21/02/2022 13:24

Well no wonder your boundaries are so low if that's what your family is saying. Thing is you need to stop the cycle of abuse and self-blame. Your mother didn't manage it and that is partly the reason your boundaries are so low as think it wasn't that bad. Unless you stop the cycle now, your own children will find themselves as grown ups accepting the same. Could you imagine them coming to you and you saying it's partly their fault? Stop the cycle.

BoodleBug51 · 21/02/2022 13:24

They're in denial, OP, that he could be capable of this.

You need to contact Women's Aid to talk this through, but stand tall - this is the end of his abuse of you, and you are believed by the Police. So frankly fuck his/your family and their attitudes...... you've got this, and life can only get better from here.

Oliop · 21/02/2022 13:32

What happened love? Do you want to talk about it? I actually remember you from a different thread over the years.

Daenerys77 · 21/02/2022 13:35

I haven't any friends really, not close ones... since being with H I've lost them all

This is how abusers operate-by detaching you from anyone who might offer you support and/or reassure you that abusive treatment is not the norm. Your abuser's next step will probably be to apologise and promise never to do it again. Sadly, they invariably do.

BlanketsBanned · 21/02/2022 13:38

What help does he need, why hasnt he sought help himself for his violence. Dont feel sorry for him, you and your children are your priority. If his and your parents care so much about him let him live there and they can rehabilitate him.

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