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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H arrested for Domestic Abuse - blame

68 replies

TwittleBee · 21/02/2022 12:21

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off, but when they asked for me to make a statement I did tell them what had been happening.

Idk though, it doesn't seem as bad as it does on TV etc, it feels so strong to call it abuse.

He has so many positive qualities to him too.

PILs and my Mum are blaming me for him being in a cell and looking at charge etc.

I've been told I'm not a good enough wife, he should be given more time off and it's unfair I expect he does any "childcare" as he is a man. I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

Idk what to do or say. I feel so alone without any family suport

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2022 13:39

I'm not sure exactly how having a penis means you can't do childcare. If he was divorced he would be expected to do 50% of the childcare???
If someone was abusing your daughter OP would you be making excuses for them?
There are NO excuses. Ever.

MondayYogurt · 21/02/2022 13:44

Contact Womens Aid. You need support.

granny24 · 21/02/2022 13:52

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'm not sure exactly how having a penis means you can't do childcare. If he was divorced he would be expected to do 50% of the childcare??? If someone was abusing your daughter OP would you be making excuses for them? There are NO excuses. Ever.
This.
Changingmynameobvs · 21/02/2022 13:54

You did the right thing and your parents are nuts.

Kimbob33 · 21/02/2022 13:55

@TwittleBee

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off, but when they asked for me to make a statement I did tell them what had been happening.

Idk though, it doesn't seem as bad as it does on TV etc, it feels so strong to call it abuse.

He has so many positive qualities to him too.

PILs and my Mum are blaming me for him being in a cell and looking at charge etc.

I've been told I'm not a good enough wife, he should be given more time off and it's unfair I expect he does any "childcare" as he is a man. I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

Idk what to do or say. I feel so alone without any family suport

I've just read your last post not sure if I've missed anyone advising this in the time I've read that one, but you ideally need to get your salary paid into a different account one that is in your own name. He is unable to touch your money then. If needs be transfer your share of costs into the joint account with a heading of household or something. Can't believe he's taking your money and putting it into his own personal savings account doing god knows what with. Hope you're ok xx
Notanotherwindow · 21/02/2022 13:59

I grew up in a household with low level domestic abuse. I can assure you that even at age 6I was relieved when my mum threw him out.

I missed him of course but I still saw him and our relationship was much improved by not having to live with his tempers and moods and walking on eggshells.

Your kids will be better off out of that environment and your family needs their collective head examined. Jesus. Don't the 1940s want them back?

astoundedgoat · 21/02/2022 14:09

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.

It's actually super easy to NOT beat your partner. He actively chose to hurt you, repeatedly, completely out of his own free will. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all, ever. He doesn't "just" need help - nearly all men in our society manage to get through the day without harming their partners so violently that the neighbours call the police, even if they're under huge amounts of stress. This is FULLY on him. He could have just... not hurt you.

I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

HE shouldn't have been violent. HE has made things hard for himself. HE will have to convince a social worker that he is not a danger to his children now if he wants to see them. HE brought this about. It has nothing to do with you and never did, in a sense.

Darling you are so incredibly brave for telling the police honestly what has been happening. Can you ring them up and tell them what your MIL and your mother said and explain that it's going to be very difficult for you to stand your ground and can they help?

It's likely that they will put you in touch with a social worker, to help make sure that you and the children are safe, and she will be able to help you here if you get a good one and you can put your trust in her.

Tell your estranged friends. Text them today - it can be a copy & paste of the same message. "I haven't been around for a while because H didn't want me to be friends with you any more and it has been really hard. He was arrested today for hurting me. I really need your friendship in my life again, if you can forgive me for disappearing. Can we talk?" I bet you will get some really loving responses. They knew this coming.

Do you have any money to remove yourself and the kids before he is let out? Ask the police what the council can do to help.

astoundedgoat · 21/02/2022 14:11

If he has been taking your money for some time, effectively by force, and putting it into an account you can't access, I wonder if the police can help you retrieve it?

dottydodah · 21/02/2022 14:13

Sorry just checking the year .Oh yes 2022 not 1962! WTF do your family think they are at? DV is never the womans fault! WA will help you .They would have heard it all a thousand times before sadly .

T00Ts · 21/02/2022 14:16

He’s abusive. Your family and his family are abuser apologists who truly believe a woman is responsible for what the poor man felt compelled to do, therefore they are by extensive, abusive themselves. And you sound ‘trauma bonded’.

I wish you all the best for a life away from Ll of them.

MunchyMonsters · 21/02/2022 14:20

I believe you.
A pp suggested contacting old friends. I'd do that.

Your mum and PIL are truly awful Flowers

2Gen · 21/02/2022 14:26

Oh Love, please take the every good advice all the posters have given you as he has indeed abused you and your ILs and own mother are completely wrong, especially your mother who's main concern should be your safety and well being! I'm appalled by her attitude to this!
You have done the right thing by giving a statement and please for the love of all that's good and holy do NOT back down nor take him back! He would only punish you; the abuse would continue and even escalate. Please follow the advice of contacting Women's Aid and if you can, reach out to those old friends. I would imagine they would be horrified when they find out what you've been put through and would love to hear from you again. If not though, you will meet other women through Women's Aid who know first hand what it is to be abused and make new friends. As it is, it truly is better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel crap in any way and there are all sorts and levels of abuse but they are all evil, because they suck the life out of the victim! Take your life and your self-worth back from this wicked man! He doesn't deserve you and you deserve to live in peace and goodwill. God bless OP and a hug!

Herja · 21/02/2022 14:26

You did the right thing OP! Completely right. The only thing close to 'wrong' was not reporting him yourself - and by God, I know how impossible that can seem and would never criticise anyone for it. I couldn't do it myself.

Your family and inlaws are disgusting. Genuinely, reading your words has given me an anger fuled adrenaline rush. They are so, so far from right it beggars belief. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are so much better off without support like that!

I am sure all the practical measures have been suggested now, I just wanted to add my voice to all those telling you that you are right; you can be brave; you deserve so much better than this (from both your partner and your family). Well done OP! The firat step has been taken. FUCK anyone who thinks you should 'fix' your abuser - they're gutter trash and don't deserve any notice or respect.

Inthesameboatatmo · 21/02/2022 14:26

Well done for making a statement op that's a big step in the right direction. Ignore the family telling you it's you're fault. Good luck

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2022 14:27

FOr someone to tip off the Police it must be bad OP for them to notice.

I suspect you have been conditioned even from your parents into doing it all and you cant.

He should be in trouble - do you have access to any support have the police given you any numbers to call

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 21/02/2022 14:29

Definitely contact Women's Aid for support.

But try to reconnect with an old friend or two. If a friend I had lost contact with reconnected with me in these circumstances I would absolutely be supportive and forgive them for dropping contact.

In fact in slightly similar circumstances I rekindled a friendship with someone I hadn't seen for years and supported her emotionally while she divorced an abusive man.

Please think about contacting a couple of old friends, they will probably be pleased to hear from you again.

NairobiMH · 21/02/2022 14:32

@TwittleBee

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off, but when they asked for me to make a statement I did tell them what had been happening.

Idk though, it doesn't seem as bad as it does on TV etc, it feels so strong to call it abuse.

He has so many positive qualities to him too.

PILs and my Mum are blaming me for him being in a cell and looking at charge etc.

I've been told I'm not a good enough wife, he should be given more time off and it's unfair I expect he does any "childcare" as he is a man. I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

Idk what to do or say. I feel so alone without any family suport

Do not feel bad or guilty. He put himself in this position, he made choices of his own freewill. You did not ask for this.

I can see why he is maybe the way he is with his parents enabling his behaviour. Shame on them, its utterly disgusting, not an excuse though because he could have chosen to break the cycle. As for you Mum awful of her too.

Please do not take this man back. Do not let people pressure you because they will. It may seem tough right now but life would be better. I was in an abusive relationship and ended up in a womans refuge. Life is better without my ex. I also felt alone and felt no one understood but you get your strength back again eventually.

Hexagonmum · 21/02/2022 14:40

This is all on him not you. Your family should be supporting you at a time like this. I'm sorry you're going through this.

ItsCanardBruv · 21/02/2022 14:42

Please reach out to Women’s Aid and get the support you’re worthy of.

It’s a bit TAAT (but in a good way), last night during the storms a woman posted that she was in a WA shelter whatsapping the other women at 2am. Imagine that! A building full of women who’ve got your back at 2am.

AnnabelC · 21/02/2022 14:46

There are Agencies who can help and support you. Contact Citizens Advice.

JustSmallFry · 21/02/2022 14:48

He is 100% at fault here and you are 0% at fault.

You have done the right thing, now make sure you get the support you need, for you and you kids.

Anyone who tries to minimize what he has done is condoning his abuse of you

LadyLothbrook · 21/02/2022 14:49

My husband of 10 years attacked me lastnight and I've been peeing blood ever since, I think I have damaged my kidney where he picked me up and threw me on the back of the sofa. Black eye, bruised ears, knocked 4 earrings out that are mangled beyond repair, split lip and bruised neck. I am so shocked. There have been a handful of shoves over the years but nothing like this. I can never look at him the same. Whatever drove him to it was not a good enough excuse for the trauma he has just put me through. You have done nothing wrong OP. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you no matter the dynamics of the relationship.

Susu49 · 21/02/2022 14:52

@LadyLothbrook that's appalling, are you safe now? Have you sought medical help? Please get checked out Flowers

LadyLothbrook · 21/02/2022 14:55

@Susu49 total name change fail. Confused I am ok thank you. I had a bad cold and it seems to have shocked me out of the illness as I can now only feel the pain from the attack! I will go to the walk in centre if I keep peeing blood. Thank you.

Susu49 · 21/02/2022 14:57

@LadyLothbrook please don't delay, you could be seriously injured.