H arrested for Domestic Abuse - blame

[TwittleBee]

I feel so guilty for him being in this situation, he just needs help.

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off, but when they asked for me to make a statement I did tell them what had been happening.

Idk though, it doesn't seem as bad as it does on TV etc, it feels so strong to call it abuse.

He has so many positive qualities to him too.

PILs and my Mum are blaming me for him being in a cell and looking at charge etc.

I've been told I'm not a good enough wife, he should be given more time off and it's unfair I expect he does any "childcare" as he is a man. I also shouldn't have spoken out about his violence as he is now in trouble and I'll make things hard for him and in turn hard for the kids.

Idk what to do or say. I feel so alone without any family suport

@LadyLothbrook

My husband of 10 years attacked me lastnight and I've been peeing blood ever since, I think I have damaged my kidney where he picked me up and threw me on the back of the sofa. Black eye, bruised ears, knocked 4 earrings out that are mangled beyond repair, split lip and bruised neck. I am so shocked. There have been a handful of shoves over the years but nothing like this. I can never look at him the same. Whatever drove him to it was not a good enough excuse for the trauma he has just put me through. You have done nothing wrong OP. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you no matter the dynamics of the relationship.

OMG this is so sad to read! Please get yourself away and keep safe. I hope you have reported him, and sought medical attention. So sorry this happened to you. Big hugs xx

Thank you. I feel like I've derailed the thread abit now and turned the attention to myself. I just wanted to let the OP know that no matter the reason for the DV or the love shared between you or his relationship with the children (H is a really good father) that is is absolutely not her fault and she owes him nothing. My attack was provoked by 'nagging' absolutely pathetic reason for physically attacking someone. I hope you find the strength to realise its not you OP you don't deserve that.

Don’t listen to anyone who says you have anything to do with him sitting in a cell. His actions put him there. He chose to be violent.

Phone Women’s Aid and get any support you can. It will not make things worse for your children to get away and get safe.

The best lesson my mother ever taught me is that a man does not love you if he hits you. I know it was hard for her to end her marriage, and sadly my father never got any official consequences for years of violence, but I am so glad I didn’t have to keep living in that situation and I have nothing but respect for my mum for getting away.

@LadyLothbrook really good fathers don’t beat their children’s mother.

OP your H is an adult and is responsible for his own actions.

You neighbours must have been concerned for life to call the police.

You parents are disgusting human beings. How would they feel if he killed you?

Do you have children? You need to protect them from him? I grew up in a DV household and my mum would never leave my dad as divorce would ‘damage’ the kids. Me and my brother are still scarred from the DV we witnesses are over 30 years ago.

Also peeing blood after a kidney injury is a sign of rupture and you need to get that seen to NOW.

So kids are womens work but apparently its OK to beat and abuse women? He isn't old fashioned, he's just a bully and a hippocryte.

And honey, he doesn't need help. He chooses to abuse people. He is a predator.

You need help, to keep him away from you and to realise you need to stay away from people who mean you harm.

Being isolated from your friends and family is a major tactic of an abuser. It removes contact with anyone who will challenge his behaviour. The only reason he didn't isolate you from your family is because they agree with him. Please try and reach out to your friends. I guarantee they saw him for what he is and have been praying for your call.

Please believe everyone here who is saying that this is not your fault, It is NEVER the fault of the abused person, because there is NEVER a reason for emotional or physical violence. N E V E R. Please seek out counseling and support. You will get through this.

Whoever called it in is an angel on earth. Someone who didn't think 'Oh, I don't want to get involved'.

Do not listen to the voice in your head or anyone else saying it is your fault. It is NEVER your fault. You deserve peace, love and safety. I echo what others have said. Get support, ring your GP, speak to womens domestic abuse charities. There is the freedom programme and an own your life course. Put yourself on the waiting list for counselling.
You deserve so much more. It doesn't have to be as bad as on the TV for it to be unacceptable.
I wish you all the best.

Please consider contacting the friends you’ve “lost.” If a friend that I lost suddenly contacted me out of the blue and said/messaged, “My DH has been arrested for domestic violence. He wouldn’t let me stay friends with you. Please, I just need some support,” I would absolutely be there for them. Your friends would probably be thrilled to hear that you finally have a chance at freedom and encourage and support you in getting that freedom, even if you haven’t been able to speak to them in years.

THIS

And please stop minimising what he has done, @TwittleBee. You know it is indefensible, you know you need help. It's infinitely sad that your in-laws and your own mum are colluding with your abuser. Please don't let them coerce you into accepting him back.

As someone else suggested, please get in touch with Women's Aid.

What has he done?

Sometimes it’s hard to realise it’s DV if he’s not beating you black and blue every day.

I always think would he do this at work to a work colleague or one of his mates or a beautiful women he’s met?

If he wouldn’t do it t anyone else but does it to you the person he’s meant to love and respect more than anyone else, then you know it’s not ok.

My ex wouldn’t let me contact my friends for 6 years.

I bet your friends are all waiting for you. Mine were, once I left my ex!

Take no notice if your in-laws and relationship. They sound a bit thick.

@FlowerArranger

Please consider contacting the friends you’ve “lost.” If a friend that I lost suddenly contacted me out of the blue and said/messaged, “My DH has been arrested for domestic violence. He wouldn’t let me stay friends with you. Please, I just need some support,” I would absolutely be there for them. Your friends would probably be thrilled to hear that you finally have a chance at freedom and encourage and support you in getting that freedom, even if you haven’t been able to speak to them in years.

THIS

And please stop minimising what he has done, @TwittleBee. You know it is indefensible, you know you need help. It's infinitely sad that your in-laws and your own mum are colluding with your abuser. Please don't let them coerce you into accepting him back.

As someone else suggested, please get in touch with Women's Aid.

Please please please do this OP.

I would drop everything to help you and welcome you back into my life if you were a former friend I got a message like that.

Please reach out to people

I have a friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in years. We exchange the very occasional text message. She does not live nearby. DH and I agreed a long time ago that if and when we got that 2 am call, I would go immediately, even if it costs a fortune (I'd have to fly).

You have no friends because he has probably been ensuring that you are alienated from them for the entirety of your relationship. The chances are that those friends are fully aware of the situation and have not been able to do anything (think back - did they continue to invite you to things etc until eventually they stopped because you were always late/brought your P, acted flakily etc?)

If the police were tipped off that is a sign more than anything else that this is not mild abuse. This is abuse that was visible and obvious to at least one other person, and serious enough that this person felt obliged to call the police. Do not listen to your PIL (or course they'll justify his behaviour) and do not listen to your mother either.

Good luck OP.

@LadyLothbrook Please get help because peeing blood is NOT a good sign. And if you need support, start your own thread because I'm sure there are a lot off eople who would want to help you. You must be in shock right now!

You are not to blame for his behaviour and current predicament. He's entirely to blame for his own actions.

The only person to blame here is himself. His actions caused this, you have absolutely nothing to be blamed for nor feel guilty about. This is on him.

@LadyLothbrook

Thank you. I feel like I've derailed the thread abit now and turned the attention to myself. I just wanted to let the OP know that no matter the reason for the DV or the love shared between you or his relationship with the children (H is a really good father) that is is absolutely not her fault and she owes him nothing. My attack was provoked by 'nagging' absolutely pathetic reason for physically attacking someone. I hope you find the strength to realise its not you OP you don't deserve that.

He's not a good father, he's a dangerous individual who should be nowhere near you or your children.

He's not even an ok father. Nowhere near.

Peeing blood after a brutal attack means you require medical attention asap. Please do not out this off.

When you're with medical professionals, they will ask how it happened. Please tell them.

Please, for the sake of your poor kids growing up witnessing a mother being ground down by abuse over the years to the point she thinks a man who is a 'good dad' can be provoked into battering her black and blue until she has kidney injuries.

You cannot keep your children safe unless you leave him. You cannot keep your children safe if he kills you. You cannot keep your children safe with them growing up thinking this dynamic is normal and then recreating it themselves.

Please, please seek urgent medical attention.

I didn't call the police, they had a tip off

Just that tells me the situation is bad, much worse than you believe it is.

Your parents and his parents are absolutely awful.
Don’t listen to them.
It’s not your fault.
You didn’t make him act in a way that 1- was bad enough to raise suspicion from someone else and 2- that warranted a trio in a police cell.

In the mean time, you need to protect yourself. When he is out, where is he going to go? Will you be safe?