Should I keep trying with his DD13? If so, how?!

[PARunnerGirl]

It’s not working but to be honest I feel like I can’t even get started in trying!

My boyfriend and I have been together about five years, are in our early 40s and he has a 13 year old DD. He and I spend most of our time at my house but he also has a flat in the city centre and this is where he spends his agreed days with his DD.

For the first couple of years of our relationship he was quite compartmentalised about his life as a father. This was fine with me because I don’t have children and I love the flexibility and freedom of my life, especially throughout my 30s and 40s when I have become more financially secure, have greater disposable income etc. For example, I have always worked from home and so it is easy for me to work from anywhere.

However, over the past year or so he has said it would be nice if I got to know his daughter and that it would make some things a bit easier. This is true especially in terms of drop offs or pick ups because right now I can’t be around as DD will be “uncomfortable”.

We have tried but it almost always ends in disaster. Like she won’t even get out the car or she’ll call her mum to say she doesn’t want me to be there when her dad is picking her up from somewhere. (This so the stage we are at- just me being in the car with her for 15 minutes! The idea of lunch or going bowling or something seems absolutely impossible.) There is then some big drama with me usually wasting most of a day travelling somewhere and then hanging around while a solution is found so DD doesn’t have to see or interact with me.

So it’s like I can even get started in getting to know her and us being comfortable together. I need someone (obviously her mum and dad!) to at least create the foundation for this to have half a chance of working. I will then absolutely do my best, but it’s like I can’t get a foothold.

Obviously there are things going on that I am not aware of, in terms of how her father’s relationship is presented to her or how they co-parent together in general. I don’t think I can get involved in anything like that, even if I do feel that their parenting style actually creates issues. My experience of parenting is from my own parents, so of course it’s decades out of date!

What would you do? I’m close to just saying, We need to go back to the way things were because it’s obviously not working and I am loathe to continue wasting days and hours like this every couple of weeks.

Long long post… I never thought I’d be a long poster! 😔 Thanks for getting to the end if you did.

You’ve known him since she was 8 and he’s not even ensuring she’s civil to you. Doesn’t say much about him as a dad.

Life is short, step right back from any unnecessary causes of stress.

I'd wash my hands of this entirely, including the relationship. It's just all so much drama and so absurd. I certainly wouldn't waste one more second ever bothering to get to know the girl.

He needs to make it clear to her that you are now part of his life and he expects decent behaviour from her towards you. I don't know why you haven't met her before this? She sounds like a spoilt brat tbh. Is Mum a problem here - is she hostile to you ? Were you the OW? If you step back a bit ( go to the spa/away for the weekend) then he might realise that he has to get tougher on this bad behaviour. Men are often too weak on discipline because they want to be liked by their kids esp when the marriage has split up.

I would say exactly what you've come up with about going back to the way things were. No way of knowing what the background dynamic is to this, but your partner is not handling it well, TBH.

If you are otherwise happy with the relationship, take a massive step back, make no effort with her and who knows? In 5 years she may feel differently, if she doesn't you won't have spent time in frustrating wastes of your time.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Sometimes you are so deep into something that you aren’t sure if your reaction is “normal” or not.

@ChickenStripper Her mum isn’t hostile to me directly, because she refuses to engage in any way. I have never met her. I wasn’t the OW, but I think perhaps she felt they might’ve got back together eventually. They were on and off for most of their relationship and when we met, maybe she saw that time as “off”. I can’t be sure though as I’ve never spoken to her.

You are correct about him being scared that if he pushes back on either his daughters or his ex’s behaviour he might lose contact or it might be made difficult for him.

@CPL593H @Aquamarine1029 I think this is where I am at with it all now. I just don’t have the headspace for all the drama and strangeness of it. It’s the opposite to my own life, the people I choose to have in it and how I interact with people.

I think you can tell your DP that you would like to get to know her, but he has to improve her basic manners first and lay some groundwork. How does he react to her behaviour, is he embarrassed, does he acknowledge that he's wasted your time and try to make it up to you?

If he is acting like you all just have to sit in out and take whatever she throws at you, like the adults in the room are powerless, then I'd put some boundaries in place now and not see her until she's an adult. Parents like this think they are progressive, but they are really just lazy and let other people suffer rather than do the hard parts of parenting.

I'd drop it. You've tried but their parenting apparently hasn't emphasized decent politeness in the child let alone acceptance that her father has a life beyond the original family.

It's not your job to compensate for all of their issues by inconveniencing yourself.

@CatSpeakForDummies Your last sentence really resonated. It can definitely be like that. I know of situations where she her behaviour has upset her Gran and I would perceive it as just having no manners or being rude (although I would never say this of course!) but it’s described as her knowing her mind and who she wants to spend time with or not.

Personally I wouldn’t bother trying anymore. I would also be reevaluating the relationship too. It sounds like you will always be the odd one out in his daughters life so fast forward 20 years when she may be getting married or having children. There is always a chance that her stance hasn’t changed. Do you want that? Is he worth it?

I wouldnt keep trying to make a reluctant 13 year old be friendly to me if i didnt even live with her or need to have her staying over. It just sounds stressful for everyone.
Your best chance is to continue to compartmentalise and he see his daughter seperatly. This is not something you can force. It either happens or it doesnt

Thank you @KosherDill. I was struggling to see any other way at this stage, but since I am “inside the situation” so to speak, I thought I’d ask the internet in case I wasn’t seeing the wood for the trees!

@Keystone76 Yes, this has all been running through my mind too. It’s hard to look that far into the future and imagine what might be, isn’t it? But these scenarios have definitely played out in my imagination.

So you have anything in common with her? Children all have a ‘price’ - concert - cinema - new shoes - they are all things you might want to help out with to start

It sounds to me that you have no idea what this girl likes/dislikes/enjoys etc and that’s down to her father to give you some pointers.

This isn’t a problem for you to solve because her behaviour is ridiculous.

Her parents need to ensure she behaves decently. She doesn’t have to be super friendly but she does have to be civil.

I think it's a bit harsh that posters are calling the child a spoilt brat and blaming her for this. She's 13 and we have no idea of what messages she is receiving from her mother. She may be horribly anxious. We don't know.

I think you should step right back from this OP. It's not fair for you to be kept dangling on a string and have your time wasted like this. Could you tell your DP that it's time to stop trying now, until his DD is in a better place and expresses a desire to meet you? He's fortunate that he has another home to spend time with his DD in, that makes it perfectly possible to continue the compartmentalised approach. I'd tell him straight - you've tried, it isn't working, now you want to get on with your life without this regular and fruitless stress. If his DD initiates a meeting with you, you're open to it; otherwise, let things be as they have been.

What is his typical contact time with her?

@BluebellsGreenbells Yes, this is certainly part of the problem because she just spends so much time in her room and on her tablet that her parents (and therefore me too!) don’t do anything with her. She says no to literally everything offered to her, in favour of chatting to friends online and gaming. So this has hindered me coming along, say, at the end of a cinema trip to say hello over a hot chocolate or something simple like that. They simply just don’t go out and do things because it causes a huge argument. One time about a year ago he had booked tickets for the cinema, drove there after pick-up and she had a full meltdown in the car, screaming, kicking etc. I can imagine he now maybe doesn’t suggest anything because the small amount of time he has with her will be ruined. It’s obviously not sustainable or helpful to anyone though

I have no idea how common this is for 13 year old these days! I tend not to pass too much judgment because I don’t have kids of my own.

@sadpapercourtesan That’s exactly it. I just don’t pass too much judgment for these reasons and up until now have just been led by him on what to do, although it is obviously not working.

@sofato5miles Two days a week after school pick-up but she then goes back to her mum’s after dinner, bath etc. Then one full day and evening at the weekend.

He and I spend most of our time at my house but he also has a flat in the city centre and this is where he spends his agreed days with his DD

Take a giant step back OP, it is up to him to have gently introduced you to her over the last five years instead he has allowed things to come to this. I would also take a great big fucking step back from having him live at yours and then toddle of to his flat for contact time with his DD. Why should he have the benefit of a comfortable couples life in your home while he has failed to integrate you into his life.

So step right back to dating, you have tried to be blended into his life and it has failed. So you date, you spend equal time in both homes, you get less entangled in a no win situation, maybe this will make space for a man to come into your life that won't expect you to hide away from certain parts of his life. What are family occasions like with his family? Do you and his DD attend for example his mother's birthday lunch or whatever or can only one of you attend, how does five years of not being in the same place at the same time as his DD work in reality?

I think it's tricky and agree with a PP that it's not helpful others are labelling her a brat. It's good your DP didn't introduce you too soon but he's waited until she's a young teen; puberty is kicking in; hormones are all over the place. There are hundreds of threads on here about how volatile that time can be for DCs.

Whether you try or not depends on whether you see this relationship lasting. If you do, then you need to try but not in a way that makes you feel you wasted a day. I'd opt for short interactions.Drop in for a coffee when she's there. Bump into them when they're out.
As for gaming etc that's quite standard for teens. There are gaming conventions she might be interested in attending. You need to follow her interests.
Also might be worth reading 'Get out of my life but first take me & Alex into town'. Both for yourself and to suggest it to your DP.
Of course, it's also fine to say the relationship with your DP isn't that important to you, is unlikely to last and in that case don't put in the effort with his child.

I 'm going against th e grain here, l think what he is doing with regards to his daughter is a good thing, as in keeping it seperate. Why involve her ?
Last thing l would have wanted at that age was to tag along with my dad and his girlfriend.
l have never involved my sons in regards to my dating life, why force someone else on them ? There is nothing wrong in keeping things seperate, infact l think it makes life so much easier all round.
Assertive females will always get called horrible names, leave her be, she obcviously wants no part in this and shouldnt be forced just because its seen as the done thing, she already has her Mum and Dad in her life, that is enough.