Should I keep trying with his DD13? If so, how?!

[PARunnerGirl]

It’s not working but to be honest I feel like I can’t even get started in trying!

My boyfriend and I have been together about five years, are in our early 40s and he has a 13 year old DD. He and I spend most of our time at my house but he also has a flat in the city centre and this is where he spends his agreed days with his DD.

For the first couple of years of our relationship he was quite compartmentalised about his life as a father. This was fine with me because I don’t have children and I love the flexibility and freedom of my life, especially throughout my 30s and 40s when I have become more financially secure, have greater disposable income etc. For example, I have always worked from home and so it is easy for me to work from anywhere.

However, over the past year or so he has said it would be nice if I got to know his daughter and that it would make some things a bit easier. This is true especially in terms of drop offs or pick ups because right now I can’t be around as DD will be “uncomfortable”.

We have tried but it almost always ends in disaster. Like she won’t even get out the car or she’ll call her mum to say she doesn’t want me to be there when her dad is picking her up from somewhere. (This so the stage we are at- just me being in the car with her for 15 minutes! The idea of lunch or going bowling or something seems absolutely impossible.) There is then some big drama with me usually wasting most of a day travelling somewhere and then hanging around while a solution is found so DD doesn’t have to see or interact with me.

So it’s like I can even get started in getting to know her and us being comfortable together. I need someone (obviously her mum and dad!) to at least create the foundation for this to have half a chance of working. I will then absolutely do my best, but it’s like I can’t get a foothold.

Obviously there are things going on that I am not aware of, in terms of how her father’s relationship is presented to her or how they co-parent together in general. I don’t think I can get involved in anything like that, even if I do feel that their parenting style actually creates issues. My experience of parenting is from my own parents, so of course it’s decades out of date!

What would you do? I’m close to just saying, We need to go back to the way things were because it’s obviously not working and I am loathe to continue wasting days and hours like this every couple of weeks.

@zoemum2006

This isn’t a problem for you to solve because her behaviour is ridiculous.

Her parents need to ensure she behaves decently. She doesn’t have to be super friendly but she does have to be civil.

shes a teenager. How are parents to ensure she is civil to her dads girlfriend? Pushing the issue will guarantee escalate it. Even if she is civil, what does that mean? She knows full well that any attempt at being civil will mean before long she will be forced into outings and activities. Just leave it. This is his kid. She may be a pain but it is what it is. This really does need to be child-led. Any attempts to force the issue will likely mean you dont see this kid for dust in a year or two.

Sorry my last few lines seemed much more dismissive than I'd intended. I just mean if you envisage living an integrated life together at some point then you will need a relationship with his DD. If you're happy for everything to stay compartmentalised, or you don't see this lasting, then you don't.

1. not up to you to fix, up to her dad. If he wants you in his life long term, he needs to get his daughter on board
2. what worked with my DS and DP (who DS refused to speak to) was a holiday abroad for 2 weeks somewhere fun. DS couldn't be that rude for 2 weeks and the holiday was a big incentive to come. Maybe he could arrange a week away with her, best friend and you? Less pressure than the current thing as she will KNOW you are going to be there for a reasonable amount of time

@Dontbeme It’s certainly not a “normal” situation- that’s for sure! I’ll try to explain it somewhat. She’ll refuse to go see his mum or dad with him, for example. I don’t know why- she just says she doesn’t want to. And he and her mum seem to allow her to make her own decisions like that. His parents and wider family are lovely people and I enjoy family occasions like birthdays with them very much. DD seems to only spend time (and by that I mean in her room mostly) with her mum or her dad, separately. The relationship with the maternal grandparents is strained too.

My boyfriend is probably too easygoing and just accepts the status quo. This sort of unsociableness and isolation is certainly not “him” though, in terms of his personality or what he enjoys. We enjoy our time together and also times with friends and each other’s family. It’s like this doesn’t filter down to his times with his DD though. I’m not sure if he’d be fighting against how her mum is in her day to day life and again, he’s scared that if he pushes too hard contact might become difficult.

A lot of the answers on here are very harsh on the DD, who hasn't asked for any of this.

I think it was a good thing that you didn't meet her much earlier on- it is sensible and standard practice not to introduce DC to a new partner for quite some time and certainly to wait until everyone is sure that the new relationship is here to stay.

I don't think it's for you to "keep trying" or not - it isn't your lack of trying that's causing the issue or in fact anything you have done (based on what you've said here). DD is clearly struggling with her father having a new partner at all. Not clear whether her mother might play a role in this (does she also have a new partner?)

I think this is one for your partner to deal with along with his ex and I would expect him to step up to try and work through it. Has he spoken either to his ex or his DD about it all? For you, I think all you can do is be patient, don't take it personally and be ready to step back in when DD feels ready.

@Moonface123 It is him who initiated all this though. As I mentioned in my original post, I was fine with the way things were but he wanted us to get to know each other. I was very happy with that too and have been led by him in terms of how we do that, but it clearly isn’t working. So my post was asking for advice as to whether I keep going along with his plans to make this happen, or if I should be the one to say this isn’t working for anyone.

Thank you @BennieAndBert. Yes, I think although he might want us to be comfortable with each other, it’s certainly not working right now for whatever reasons and they need to discuss those together. Her mum has a casual relationship I think. I don’t know too much about it but I know they don’t live together or even see each other every week.

@AdamRyan It’s a good idea and we have tried it several times. It’s just a point blank no though. I think maybe this part is just her age? She doesn’t want to do anything in general, with her mum or her dad.

he has said it would be nice if I got to know his daughter and that it would make some things a bit easier

It sounds as though you are bending over backwards to do this. Has he had the same conversation with her? At 13 she is old enough to behave better than a sulky brat.

I'd just back off entirely and leave them to it.

I wouldn’t get involved any further with her. Tell him you won’t be seeing her again and will review the situation in 2 years based on her potentially maturing. That way, as well as avoiding the drama, you take back some control - ie you won’t be seeing her, not the other way around.

Well his first priority must be his daughter. He brought her into this world, she didn't ask for any of this. He must respect her wishes. If she doesn't want to meet his partner then that is up to her, he should not force the issue.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy @jytdtysrht Seems to be the general consensus and it’s pretty much where I’d got to. I feel sad it hasn’t worked out the way it was planned, but reading everyone’s answers has helped me see that there’s not much more I alone can do to to help the situation.

@FleshLiabilities Absolutely she should always be his priority I would never want it any other way.

Ahhhh, I am in the same position. My boyfriend has a 14 year old with the same disposition. She has high anxiety due to parents separation/covid isolation and general teenage angst. I feel for her as my own daughter was hell on 2 legs at that age with her lovely step mum and her father at the time as well as myself. The freak out in the car happened to my boyfriend and his daughter a few weeks ago, just as happened to your boyfriends daughter. She is in therapy now to deal with all this anxiety. Anyway, I have chosen not to be a part of her life just yet. He is desperately trying to work with her angst to support her and help her. So, I would do as I have. Step right back, continue seeing your chap and wait a few years whilst her teenage brain settles down. My daughter is 24 now, has an amazing relationship now with her dad, step mum and 2 half brothers and she is my best friend. Give the young girl a chance and revisit this in a few years.

Wow- thank you for sharing your direct experience @litterbird ! I appreciate this so much.

SD was 12 when I met her DF, now my DH of 18 years. He is still Disneydadding and she is still mostly ignoring me and causing conflict between me and DH. Had I known she wouldn't grow out of it and he wouldn't step up, I would have walked away in 2002.

@Ibizan

She obviously is really struggling with the thought of her dad having someone in his life.

I think I would try to take a giant step back, and just say “it seems like she can’t cope with that, and I’m not going to push it.”

This.

It's very selfish of adults to expect children/teens to accept their boyfriends/girlfriends who the teen hasn't chosen. It's not their fault that their parents chose to smash up their family into pieces. The kids will be going though a type of trauma having to live with this new normal that's been forced on them, and It's all the more unsettling for the parents to attempt forcing other people into their lives on top of all this. Having your family break up and now having to negotiate your whole life from then on between two separated parents, homes and dynamics is one of the most traumatic and life changing things that can happen to a child. The impact doesn't diminish just because family splits/divorces in the last few decades have become more common

No adult would accept a random person in their lives/cars/homes they hadn't chosen yet too many parents selfishly expect kids/teens, who are much more vulnerable than adults, to do so.

OP @PARunnerGirl you sound nice and accommodating but she's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to accept you (she didn't chose to date you or have you part of her life). She's acting this way because of the trauma and bereavement she feels of her family breaking up. I would choose to date someone without kids.or someone whose child freely accepts you . Your boyfriend can't have his cake and eat it - he cant expect to enjoy a normal relationship when your normal needs are being sidestepped - he needs to accept putting dating on back burner to prioritise his child who he's put through a divorce/family breakdown. The drop offs etc should be your boyfriend's responsibility as she's his child. Your relationship with him won't last due to his DD behaviour unless he chooses to put you above his child, which no decent dad would do.

Take a big step back and recompartmentalise. Go back to just enjoying the relationship with her dad. 13 is an awkward age, maybe try again in a few years - she might be more open to it.

You're doing nothing wrong and this sounds really tough on you. This poor girl, though - it sounds like it's not really about you specifically, she actually doesn't know how to relate to you or (seemingly) to anyone else in the world apart from her parents. Her mum has done her a real disservice by making you virtually unmentionable at her house. Whatever her own feelings towards you, she needs to allow and coach her daughter to be able to spend short amounts of time with her dad's partner without freaking out. For the daughter's own good. The daughter doesn't have the social or emotional skills to do this on her own. Some 13 year olds might, she's not one of them. I see lots of PPs saying your partner should step up and maybe that's true, but at the moment this is framed as a mum Vs dad issue so she will always feel conflicted and trapped by her own inability to deal with it. She's tantrummed herself into a corner. She might actually feel quite embarrassed.

@DeedIDo She must be in her 30s now? That’s horrible I’m so sorry you are still caught in the middle of that.

Does his daughter have SEN? Her behaviour seems extreme. Is your partner involved in school, seeing reports, open evenings.

I don't think her behaviour is related to you. Often children of separated parents can behave worse/don't have issues picked up because the parents aren't able to communicate well (probadly why they divorced in the first place).

The phrase that comes to mind is "not my circus".

@MixMatch I think it could be doomed to fail if we had a traditional type of relationship where we lived together full time and his DD had to come to our house to spend time with her dad, but we don’t. We are financially independent of each other with our own properties.

I think we can certainly step back a little, still enjoy our time together, and he can stop focusing on his daughter and I having to get to know each other, at least for a while anyway.

@stormstormgoaway I’ve thought through a lot of this too, in terms of how her mum might have made all this a lot easier on her DD and her dad, but also on herself. But of course I would never say anything like that! I do tell my boyfriend where I feel he might be able to help the situation, but I feel I need to tread carefully here, since I have hardly met his DD and have never met her mum. I just don’t have the full picture.

@Fireflygal Yes he’s involved in that side of things. It’s private schooling and I know he pays the fees and is involved in the various school admin, meetings and so on. She seems to excel at school and it’s lovely to hear him talk about her aptitude for the subjects she is good at and enjoys. He is obviously proud of her. I’ve never heard anything about SEN or behaviour, with regards to school feedback. At times it seems extreme to me too but as I’ve said a few times, I’m not sure if I’m just a bit behind the times with it all!

[quote PARunnerGirl]@stormstormgoaway I’ve thought through a lot of this too, in terms of how her mum might have made all this a lot easier on her DD and her dad, but also on herself. But of course I would never say anything like that! I do tell my boyfriend where I feel he might be able to help the situation, but I feel I need to tread carefully here, since I have hardly met his DD and have never met her mum. I just don’t have the full picture.[/quote]
Yeah, I get that. Agree there's not much you can do about the mum. I think all you can really do is keep calm and low key and rise above it as you are doing, so that when (hopefully) in a few years she's grown up a bit, there's no lingering awkwardness about her past behaviour for her to be embarrassed about, or anything critical you've said for her to bear a grudge over. She can just act like it never happened... And maybe when she is a real grown-up she might acknowledge that it did!
Maybe send her birthday cards (not presents), that kind of thing? Keeping some sort of relationship, but a super low key one that doesn't require reciprocation or obligation?