Should I keep trying with his DD13? If so, how?!

[PARunnerGirl]

It’s not working but to be honest I feel like I can’t even get started in trying!

My boyfriend and I have been together about five years, are in our early 40s and he has a 13 year old DD. He and I spend most of our time at my house but he also has a flat in the city centre and this is where he spends his agreed days with his DD.

For the first couple of years of our relationship he was quite compartmentalised about his life as a father. This was fine with me because I don’t have children and I love the flexibility and freedom of my life, especially throughout my 30s and 40s when I have become more financially secure, have greater disposable income etc. For example, I have always worked from home and so it is easy for me to work from anywhere.

However, over the past year or so he has said it would be nice if I got to know his daughter and that it would make some things a bit easier. This is true especially in terms of drop offs or pick ups because right now I can’t be around as DD will be “uncomfortable”.

We have tried but it almost always ends in disaster. Like she won’t even get out the car or she’ll call her mum to say she doesn’t want me to be there when her dad is picking her up from somewhere. (This so the stage we are at- just me being in the car with her for 15 minutes! The idea of lunch or going bowling or something seems absolutely impossible.) There is then some big drama with me usually wasting most of a day travelling somewhere and then hanging around while a solution is found so DD doesn’t have to see or interact with me.

So it’s like I can even get started in getting to know her and us being comfortable together. I need someone (obviously her mum and dad!) to at least create the foundation for this to have half a chance of working. I will then absolutely do my best, but it’s like I can’t get a foothold.

Obviously there are things going on that I am not aware of, in terms of how her father’s relationship is presented to her or how they co-parent together in general. I don’t think I can get involved in anything like that, even if I do feel that their parenting style actually creates issues. My experience of parenting is from my own parents, so of course it’s decades out of date!

What would you do? I’m close to just saying, We need to go back to the way things were because it’s obviously not working and I am loathe to continue wasting days and hours like this every couple of weeks.

@stormstormgoaway That’s a really nice future you present and I will keep my fingers crossed for something exactly like that. The ideas around maintaining a low key presence are great advice. Thank you

I'd insist on resuming the previous arrangement; DP sees his daughter at his place without you.

It's open to review if and when the parents manage to civilise their teen. That's their concern, and not your responsibility.

Most teens do get civilised eventually, so don't give up hope.

@2bazookas Haha- thank you! I keep trying to remember how “uncivilised” I may have been at 13! But as a previous poster suggested, perhaps we block out our teenage cringeworthy moments.

Her mum isn’t hostile to me directly, because she refuses to engage in any way. I have never met her. I wasn’t the OW, but I think perhaps she felt they might’ve got back together eventually. They were on and off for most of their relationship and when we met, maybe she saw that time as “off”. I can’t be sure though as I’ve never spoken to her.

If this is correct, her attitude could easily have rubbed off on his dd. She may see you as an interloper, someone verging on being an ow, someone whose presence presented her Dad getting back with her Mum/their family being reinstated. They could both be quite bitter and hostile towards you, and ge could either not know the extent or not have communicated it to you. The mum clearly does not want communication or involvement with you, the dd clearly doesnt want any involvement with you (though it does sound part of a wider teenage, "Im not doing anything I don't fancy, and you're not making me", headstrong, extreme thing) ..... sounds like you need to step back to how you were before, and maybe nabbed again when she's a good bit older.

*try again!

Sorry but he's the problem, she's a child and he should have nipped this in the bud within months of you meeting. Her behaviour is ridiculous

@Tamworth123 Maybe, although if that’s the case I think it’s more likely to come from messaging from her mum. DD must’ve been six or seven when they split. Definitely agree it’s best for him to stop focusing on us getting to know each other right now and we take a few steps back for a while.

@gogohm Yes, definitely. I don’t really understand why her mum or dad continue to allow behaviour like this. As I’ve said, it’s not just towards me and it upsets people. I can see some of his reasoning (although I don’t agree with it!), because he worries that if he raises anything with his ex then contact, and communication with her in general about DD, might become more difficult. This has happened in the past and sometimes I think he’s just prepared to let things go in order to easily see his DD.