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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Teen" Porn

85 replies

LadyBananaHammock · 20/02/2022 21:27

Partner of 25 years, 61 years old. I am 55. We don’t live together. Turns out he has a penchant for teen porn. I rumbled him before and he swore he would never do it again. And yet here we are some years later. He even wrote out a signed contract to say never again. His idea, not mine. Put it on his fridge and there it remains. What a joke.

The recent sites have models who are…apparently 18 years old, but MY GOD, they look so young. About 13, if I’m honest. I feel a bit ill. He’s been impotent for years and was never that into sex, tbh, so what the hell is this all about?

I’m so depressed. I have struggled with bulimia for years and now it has returned with a vengeance. I'm not blaming him, I take full responsibility for my illness, but dear Lord, it’s so hard to feel good about myself right now.

We have other problems, which I have chosen to ignore because of his umpteen good qualities. I am in recovery from child sexual abuse (which he knows all about), so perhaps my issues are getting the better of me. I probably shouldn’t be taking all this so seriously. The girls look so young, though. Maybe I shouldn’t have checked up on him. Serves me right for snooping.

Please help me get over this.

OP posts:
MummKnowsBest · 22/02/2022 02:18

I have a little experience of working with offenders in this area.

Firstly some facts.

  1. Thera is no evidence he has done anything illegal YET.
  1. As other say, sites verifying their models are over 18 will not want to risk prosecution by using under age models.
  1. The police routinely monitor easily accessible sites involving child pornographers. Assuming your partner isn’t particularly skilled at disguising his digital footprint, the police will inevitably come knocking on his door at some point if/when he visits such sites.
  1. He is not a ‘pensioner’ at 61 ( state pension age now being 67).

Nevertheless he is on a dangerous path. His activities may well escalate into viewing illegal material, if he becomes bored with what’s available legally. He needs to self refer to his GP for therapy ASAP.

What you do about staying in this relationship is up to you.

Dogladyxo · 22/02/2022 04:21

Absolutely vile Sad

thegoldenone · 22/02/2022 05:47

Op the bulimia is to blame on him . I was the same years ago . And open brought it back too . I was trying to punish myself because of how worthless he made me feel by watching it . Men who say they won't watch it again lie . They always go back to watching it . I am so sorry op . I know exactly what it does to you .

thegoldenone · 22/02/2022 05:48

@LadyBananaHammock

You know the joke? He's a real prude in daily life. Very conservative, all into family values etc. What a fucking hypocrite
I can't believe I am reading this comment. My partner is exactly the same 😂. Biggest prude toy would come across . But then he watches all kinds of porn 🤮
Joystir59 · 22/02/2022 05:57

@LadyBananaHammock

You know the joke? He's a real prude in daily life. Very conservative, all into family values etc. What a fucking hypocrite
Unfortunately it's extremely common for grown men to be sexually attracted to female children- no female is ever too young to be off limits.
RantyAunty · 22/02/2022 06:06

Ugh. Bin the dirty bastard.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/02/2022 06:11

Weird you think you need to get over it rather than listening to your gut which is totally repelled by this man's behaviour and attitude.

I just don't get why you have any interest in being with him.

If the bizarre fridge contract isn't the giant fucking elephant in the room trumpeting that all is not rosey in your relationship garden I don't know what is...

He sounds disgusting and your "relationship" involves little to no respect, lies, no physical intimacy and separate homes. Hardly a life partner...

Suzi888 · 22/02/2022 06:27

@MummKnowsBest

I have a little experience of working with offenders in this area.

Firstly some facts.

  1. Thera is no evidence he has done anything illegal YET.
  1. As other say, sites verifying their models are over 18 will not want to risk prosecution by using under age models.
  1. The police routinely monitor easily accessible sites involving child pornographers. Assuming your partner isn’t particularly skilled at disguising his digital footprint, the police will inevitably come knocking on his door at some point if/when he visits such sites.
  1. He is not a ‘pensioner’ at 61 ( state pension age now being 67).

Nevertheless he is on a dangerous path. His activities may well escalate into viewing illegal material, if he becomes bored with what’s available legally. He needs to self refer to his GP for therapy ASAP.

What you do about staying in this relationship is up to you.

This ^ If he is somehow accessing porn involving underage children the police will come knocking, unless he’s got sophisticated software hiding his IP address. If the police came knocking everyone’s door who watch ‘regular’ porn, SKY adult channels etc there wouldn’t be many men left!

It’s whether you can accept it OP. Your DH enjoys porn, a lot of men (and women) do. It seems more of a friendship /co dependant companionship than anything else.

Anothergreatday · 22/02/2022 07:33

@greasyshoes

You think a logo means a site doesn't contain any illegal content?

Certainly not intentionally.

Please sit down and think about this properly. Branding makes a website and it's owners more visible, easier to trace etc. That's something you want if you want more people to visit your website, but anyone doing anything illegal will want to stay under the radar.

So explain all the lawsuits and cases against sites with logos greasyshoes
Anothergreatday · 22/02/2022 07:34

@greasyshoes
And how does it matter whether they have stuff on their sites intentionally or not
The fact is it’s there !
And any man making excuses for it is disgusting

Anothergreatday · 22/02/2022 07:35

Or any woman making excuses for that matter

Bookworm20 · 22/02/2022 09:20

If this was my dp, the conversation would go something like this,
“I’ve seen your internet history”.
That would be it. End of conversation and I’d never speak to or have anything to do with the man again.
I wouldn’t be the least bit interested in what he had to say for himself. And I certainly couldn’t bear to be near him or look at him again.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/02/2022 11:27

@MrsSkylerWhite. Complicated reasons— if we split I also lose my job and home as we work together and he is the ‘knowledge’ - I’m the back end person. We don’t own a house, so getting somewhere new minus a job isn’t straight forward. I don’t hate him, we get on ok, I just hate his sleazy behaviour and I’m not telling him to stop it because by saying nowt I can keep an eye on anything that’s worse than ‘just’ porn. I’ve totally gone off men if I’m honest- seems the vast majority are a bunch of sleazes these days— even the ‘right on ‘ ones.

babbez · 22/02/2022 11:58

@MummKnowsBest

I have a little experience of working with offenders in this area.

Firstly some facts.

  1. Thera is no evidence he has done anything illegal YET.
  1. As other say, sites verifying their models are over 18 will not want to risk prosecution by using under age models.
  1. The police routinely monitor easily accessible sites involving child pornographers. Assuming your partner isn’t particularly skilled at disguising his digital footprint, the police will inevitably come knocking on his door at some point if/when he visits such sites.
  1. He is not a ‘pensioner’ at 61 ( state pension age now being 67).

Nevertheless he is on a dangerous path. His activities may well escalate into viewing illegal material, if he becomes bored with what’s available legally. He needs to self refer to his GP for therapy ASAP.

What you do about staying in this relationship is up to you.

Good balanced summary @MummKnowsBest
VeryLongBeeeeep · 22/02/2022 12:14

[quote greasyshoes]@legalseagull

I'd have no reservations at all about calling police. What makes you think they're 18 if they look 13?! Because he says they are? Because the name of the film says they are? Call the police and boot his disgusting peado arse out

Pornographers generally won't employ under 18s, and risk all of the legal consequences, when there is absolutely no shortage of 20-somethings to act in their videos.

We don't know anything about the website, but genuine illegal pornography is mostly confined to the dark web. If the video has some kind of branding, or logo, then it's definitely not illegal.

I am surprised that someone with "legal" in their username is completely oblivious to the fact that almost all teen porn features non-teenage women.[/quote]
Unfortunately while this is true of some studios, there are plenty of trafficked youngsters provided with fake ID and plenty of unscrupulous pornographers happy to turn a blind eye to their suspicions about their victims' ages so long as some bit of paper claims they're 18+, so - as with everything in porn - it's impossible to be certain that what is being shown on screen isn't some form of rape or, at best (in the case of the girls posing alone without sex acts being depicted), exploitative and illegal coercion.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 12:44

Oh OP ... Flowers
It doesn't matter how many 'good qualities' he has - teen porn is your dealbreaker, he knows it, & yet he still chose to cross the line.

I am in recovery from child sexual abuse (which he knows all about), so perhaps my issues are getting the better of me.
Being a survivor of CSA doesn't mean you have issues around teen porn. Teen porn is wrong whether bad things happened to you as a child or not.
Stop blaming YOUR REACTIONS instead of HIS BEHAVIOUR.
You have nothing to apologise for.

I probably shouldn’t be taking all this so seriously.
Why?
It is serious. Not only is the porn serious, but HE LIED TO YOU about it.

I am so sorry he has proven an unworthy shit OP, & that this has impacted your bulimia. I hope you put all your energies into self-care, & avoid thinking about him as much as possible. He is not worth your time. You are. Look after yourself xx Brew

balalake · 22/02/2022 20:40

You don't live together. Much easier for you to end the relationship, on what should be a dealbreaker for anyone.

Original poster
LadyBananaHammock · 23/02/2022 18:47

Thanks to everyone for their input.

I have been totally numb the last couple of days. Avoiding him and just slowly coming to terms with this news. My head is a mess...things I've read online say that over 90% of men are sexually attracted to girls between 14 and 16. So this is then, completely 'normal'??

I don't feel I can ever trust another man again.

OP posts:
SaladDressed · 23/02/2022 18:49

It is not normal to watch teen porn, no.
"Attracted to" could mean anything. There are lots of people putting stuff on the Internet with an agenda so take everything with a pinch of salt.

CushionSpiral · 23/02/2022 18:51

You have nothing to get over, leave him.
No it’s not fucking normal that all men are attracted to teen girls! That’s written by paedophiles trying to justify their illness

Original poster
LadyBananaHammock · 23/02/2022 18:55

I wonder if this recent "teen" thing is just him getting bored of regular stuff. His fetish beforehand was always upskirting and peek-a-boo voyeurism. Not explicit (but certainly creepy, imo). Now he's moved on to "hot teens on the beach", type stuff. And like I say, these are girls NOT women.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 23/02/2022 19:20

It’s unlikely to be illegal, because it’s an actual category on major websites. It’s one of the most popular categories on mainstream porn sites. Wrong, yep, and sick, absolutely. But true.

BurbageBrook · 23/02/2022 19:22

I’m not excusing it by the way, I couldn’t get past it either. Just saying it’s unfortunately getting more and more common.

Original poster
LadyBananaHammock · 23/02/2022 19:24

@BurbageBrook

I’m not excusing it by the way, I couldn’t get past it either. Just saying it’s unfortunately getting more and more common.
Yes, this is what I'm trying to make sense of. Is this a thing to worry about, or simply creepy and off-putting?
OP posts:
IfYouSaySo01 · 23/02/2022 19:26

I wouldn't waste my energy trying to make sense of it. A lot of men are disgusting pigs and he's one. Probably if you'd been a teenage girl, OP, he wouldn't have had a low sex drive then. You're clearly grossed out and can't see him in the say way again, so bollocks to it. Go forth and enjoy your life.