Questions about childhood / relationship with mother

[Knitternatter]

Hi, sorry for the long post. I was hoping I could get some perspective on this. I feel that my childhood has greatly impacted my life now, I think it would be fair to class my childhood as abusive but the only other person that would be able to confirm this is my sister and she won’t talk about it. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and feel that my low self esteem and anxiety may well be a result of this (but I’m not sure). Would you class the below as abusive? I also feel so strongly that I don’t want to parent my DS the way I was parented or make him feel the way I did. For info I grew up with just my mum and older sister - no other parent involved.

1. We would be hit with a leather belt as punishment. I don’t remember much of this but I do remember it was my sister that bore the main brunt of it until one day she buried it in the back garden.

1. A lot of what I think is emotional abuse. Being told by my mum that she wished she never had us. I can’t remember her ever telling us she loved us. Locking us out of the house for hours at a time. A regular favourite punishment of hers was to send us to bed for DAYS on end. This meant no books, playing etc just lying in bed all day. We were called down for meals then sent back up again. I actually had to sneak out of the house to sit one of my GCSEs as I had been sent to bed for the day that I had my exam and when I told her she told me I wasn’t allowed to go (I waited for her to go to work and snuck out). I remember spending my 9th birthday in bed. She would also get really cross sometimes and smash picture frames with our pictures in etc on the floor.

1. Just weird punishments really. I remember once I must have been about 11 or 12 and I stole my sisters tampons. I didn’t know what to do with them and so tried using them, then ended up hiding them in my drawer. When she found out she cut all my hair off (she did take me to the hairdresser to rectify it but the only thing they could do was give me a pixie cut as it was so short). I remember once when I was about 5 she had arranged a birthday party for me. My sister did something on the morning (can’t remember what and it wouldn’t have been that bad as we were both terrified of her). She cancelled the party and told me it was my sisters fault. Several times she gave away our pets as a punishment for something. She made my sister go to school in her pyjamas once when she was 14 as a punishment.

1. When I was a teenager she refused to acknowledge me in the mornings quite regularly, I would say good morning and be ignored. She would also pull up at the house after work and end up sitting in the car reading a paper for at least an hour regularly before coming in and would then give me the silent treatment. We could never really afford holidays and had 3 that I remember, but once we went camping in Cornwall (about a 6 hour drive away). I asked if I could set the tent up as I was really excited to do it. I did it but set it facing the wind apparently - she ordered me to pack it up, she packed everything back in the car and drove the 6 hours back home in silence. I once poured sour, mouldy milk on my cereal (didn’t realise it had gone off). She made me eat it. Got a summer job once when I was 16 and got myself an expensive sporty coat with some of my wages - the same day she made me clear up the dogs shit with it so obviously it went in the bin. I wasn’t allowed to brush my teeth for a week once at primary school.

1. Just a lot of random stuff really. I think she got pleasure out of seeing me disappointed. I remember once I asked if I could go out to the youth club with some friends (rarely got to do things like that as I wasn’t allowed to other peoples houses and we weren’t allowed friends over to ours so didn’t see friends out of school). To my surprise she said yes so I got ready and was really excited, then just before I was about to leave she asked how I was going to pay to get in with a smile on her face (I had no pocket money so no way of paying the fee to get in and so couldn’t go).

1. She would send us off on ‘hunts’ for various things around the house for hours as she was sure we had taken them. They never turned up and we had never taken them in the first place.

For reference we were good kids, we didn’t do anything really awful as like I said we were petrified of her. The punishments etc were for things such as bickering with each other or leaving light switches on etc.

Now I’ve read it back it doesn’t actually seem that bad but would appreciate thoughts.

I am so very sorry that no one adult actually protected either of you as children and your mother is not worthy of the term. What happened to both your sister and you was not your fault, this is all on your mother.

All of what you write here is abusive treatment from a parent onwards a child. What is your thinking behind your last sentence here?. It was more than just bad, all this from her towards you two was evil in nature.

How are you now, have you had any sort of therapy re your childhood?. NAPAC could be very helpful to you here if you wanted to talk to someone now.

I sincerely hope that neither of you have any contact with her these days. She failed you both abjectly as a parent.

Oh honey yes you were abused and your mother is sadistic which is abuse on top of abuse. Your mother is extremely unlikely to admit she was abusive and it seems like your sister may not be ready to unpack her trauma. That's okay as you don't need them to show you what happened because you were there. There are some fantastic groups on the www, also the Stately Homes thread that you'll find by scrolling through the relationship board or simply search in the address bar. That thread has a tonne of links to support groups/books and will hold your hand as you bravely start to put the pieces together. It's the rollercoaster ride of your life but one that will bring much peace and healing and a deep and solid self love, which you probably have struggled with up to now. I wish you all the best xx

Hello, thank you for your reply. No I’ve not had any therapy, I have been wondering if this could be helpful for me, but I find it quite difficult talking about myself. I will look it up thank you, I think maybe some sort of counselling would be helpful.

I guess when I read it back it just doesn’t seem as bad as what I had made it out to be in head when written down, but i obviously haven’t put everything. I guess I just don’t want to attribute everything I feel is wrong with me now as a result of her parenting as I know she loved us but I think she had her own problems. I’m no contact with her now, she stopped talking to me years ago after I mentioned something from our childhood but still sees my sister.

Thanks for your reply prickferrari (sorry don’t know how to tag). Thank you so much, I’ll have a look at the threads you mentioned. Your last sentence about self love really stuck a chord with me!

Yes that's pretty much the way it goes, they just can't tolerate feeling anything other than perfect which is mind numbing when you know how horrible and despicable they have been. I'm glad you're no contact. I only had about 8 sessions of therapy but it really helped me to see myself as undeserving of it because my parent had sold me the lie that the abuse was my fault and that he was a victim of me. I know, it melts your brain. It's really freeing to get a good 'ol logical grasp of it all.

She sounds very abusive, and yes you were abused as a child, physically and emotionally and psychologically.

Have you spoken to your mother, ever? In case it helps, I had similar experiences and I wrote down what happened in my childhood one day after having dc and realised my childhood was abusive too, like you I hadn't seen it as that bad up to that point! I realised that my mother had fairly severe mental health problems, and her own unresolved trauma from her childhood. I had tried to talk to her about it and she screamed at me that it was my fault. I am therefore now extremely low contact, and she does not see or have a relationship with my dc. If she had apologised and taken responsibility I would have worked through it with her, but she didn't and my priority was my own dc. My mother has not taken kindly to the LC and has tried to stir up problems but I was expecting that and so have managed it so that it has affected my dc as little as possible.

To try to get over what happened to me and to make sure I didn't do the same thing I:
(a) read up on child development and research based parenting so that I knew what I should be doing
(b) wrote down everything that happened to me and read through it a few times and understood how it has impacted my life and processed the feelings etc, so that I fully resolved the feelings, so that I didn't subconsciously act the same way with my dc as my mother had behaved with me. If you need help with this a therapist would be able to help you. I also found that as my dc reached different ages, memories were triggered, about how differently I was parented compared to how I was parenting and each time I had to then consciously sit down and work through feelings again, to process them to stop them affecting me and negatively affecting how I parented
(c) from time to time I still stand back and try and see how I am parenting objectively from the outside to make sure what I am doing is ok!

Good luck, I am sorry you have experienced this, you can get over it and be the sort of parent you want to be for your ds - my childhood was grim but what I have now is fantastic, you can do it

Yes this is the thing; when she stopped talking to me it was just another kick in the teeth and I know it was because she felt I criticised her. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through but pleased that having therapy has helped. If you don’t mind me asking, do you suffer from low self esteem as a result of what you experienced? I have an irritational fear of letting people down and that I’m not worthy of anything in all respects, parenthood, job etc

Now I’ve read it back it doesn’t actually seem that bad but would appreciate thoughts.

It was bad, op. Horribly bad. I can't even fathom growing up like this. Your mother is a very, very sick, demented person. I sincerely hope that you will get therapy to help you see this for what it was and to work through it.

Wow synantes (sorry don’t know how to tag)! Just reading your message and will reply. It really hits home with me

PS I recommend the parenting site ahaparenting.com, it is all about parenting with love, empathy, peace and having high expectations for dc but also giving them high support, all the things you should have had. It also covers self care and loving yourself etc which is really helpful too. It is written by a clinical psychologist and so is research based.

It is something you can dip in and out of too, so for example googling "my 3 year old is behaving badly what do I do ahaparenting" would take you to "give them more TLC, they are doing this because of x" (I am simplifying) - which is very helpful if you have not had that sort of thing modelled for you.

Your mother was a sadistic abuser. It really is bad. It's terrible what you went through. I'm so sorry. I think it's for the best that you're not in contact with her. She won't change

I don't know why you think these things weren't that that bad, I felt so sad for you reading that and definitely found it extremely cruel and abusive. Can completely understand how treatment like this would impact you. Your mother clearly had serious issues x

Similar but different here. Mum with mh and alcohol problems. I have crippling anxiety thats just got worse as ny kids have grown. I had some therapy and now label it as abusive but my dad is well off and moves in good circles and to everyone else seems normal and it still messes with my head if its me. I hate so much how it doesnt just end when you leave home

It took me months of talking about it for me to click it really wasnt right. As in I new it wasnt but would make excuses for them and deep down thought I was bad or unlovable. But as above if my kids mess ip I dont keep punishing them. I love them.

@synantes oh I figured out how to tag! No I haven’t ever spoken to her about it - your response really stuck a chord with me because I feel that this is exactly how she would react. She stopped talking to me because I mentioned to her that I should have had braces as a child and didn’t 🤷‍♀️ She also has no contact with DC which makes me feel sad as I feel deep down she maybe knows that we didn’t have a great childhood. I think she suffered from depression but never got help for it. Writing everything down is a brilliant idea, I guess maybe when I think about it I normalise it or make excuses but every now and then I remember something else. Now I’m a mum my biggest worry would be for my child to have that same childhood, I just couldn’t do it to him. I’m so pleased you have managed to work through it and thank you for your reply

Your DS is so lucky to have you as a mum. You were abused and here you are ready to break the cycle and generational abuse for him. Your “mother” was abusive and abhorrent. I’m sorry this happened to you, you know deep down it shouldn’t have. You didn’t deserve it, it’s not your fault or your responsibility. The best thing you can do is start searching for a psychiatrist who can help with trauma, ptsd and offers treatments like emdr and helping reframe attachment that will help you make sense of how to move forward. Don’t be afraid to “interview” the therapists to make sure you are a good fit. If you can afford private health care they often have lists of people on their books and can help you find someone appropriate. If not talk to your go and don’t let them put you off. I know that’s easier said than done though.

@Aquamarine1029 sorry for the slow replies..I’m a serial stalker and rarely post anything! Thank you for your reply. This thread has actually really opened my eyes and made me feel a bit emotional. I guess responses like yours have validated how I was feeling. Thank you

@GlowBuzzers thank you. As I said above these replies have actually made me feel so much better and that I’m not just overthinking things!

[quote Knitternatter]@Aquamarine1029 sorry for the slow replies..I’m a serial stalker and rarely post anything! Thank you for your reply. This thread has actually really opened my eyes and made me feel a bit emotional. I guess responses like yours have validated how I was feeling. Thank you[/quote]
You deserve only good things, op, and your upbringing does not define you as a person or a parent. The fact that you are aware that you don't want to raise your child the way you were is well more than half the battle. You have awareness.

@Suzyinthesummertime Yes I think you’re right, I think maybe she had some mental health issues the more I think about it. Thank you for your response, I really wasn’t sure if I would get a lot of replies telling me it wasn’t that bad!

It really is That Bad. The more I did toddler groups and spoke to others the more I realised what I went through Wasnt Right.

You sound a fab mum. Do get some support if you can.

@OutlookStalking that must be so hard for you, I’m sorry. As you said I’ve found it’s only since I’ve have DC that I’ve thought about these things more and become a nervous anxious wreck. I can totally relate to what you said about your dad being seen as normal- I remember in primary school all my friends were constantly saying ‘I wish my mum was like yours’. If only they had known. I’m glad you’ve found talking helpful, I’m going to look at some sort of talking therapy in the hope it will help make sense of things for me

@OutlookStalking and thank you for your comment about me being a fab mum; I replied to your previous reply before I saw it!

Im waiting for another set of therapy as it seemed to take me ages to realise It was Abusive and ye now Im struggling with lots of functioning things so hoping it will help.

I wish you so much support and love and to know It Wasnt You. Its always said but its so hard to really know. And It Was That Bad. You survived. ♥️.

Your childhood has horrendous. Definitely abusive.
I'm so sorry all that happened to you