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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Houseless with three kids.

80 replies

Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 11:35

We have split up. We have 3 small boys. My Ex fiance owns the house outright. I have nothing of any value really. I have put my career on hold to support him, I have toiled away helping to renovate the house. I have spent any spare cash I had on and in the house and on the kids. I have no savings. I work. We were about to get married and he has cancelled the wedding. I know I'm not entitled to anything, he has offered that I stay in the home while I sort myself out, along as I can pay the bills or give him enough money to rent a place for him. He is eventually going to sell the house and have a new start. We have been together for a very long time.
I am angry at myself and I am sad but I need to get practical. Where do I start? I have spoken to the council but we have no council housing stock in our ward- it was sold off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 11:37

And I have not made any significant contributions to the house in the eyes of legislation.

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 20/02/2022 11:38

Is he the dc dad and named on the birth certificate

Iamkmackered1979 · 20/02/2022 11:41

Go to your council/la housing dept and see what your options are. What an awful man making his own children homeless so he can have a fresh start I can’t imagine walking away from my kids and leaving their mother with nothing you have contributed by bringing up your 3 boys. I have 4 boys and in temp accommodation so similarities it’s not easy though and I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

MostlyHappyMummy · 20/02/2022 11:46

Would you consider letting him be resident parent and you see the kids during the day at the weekend?
Would allow you to work and rent a much smaller property?

Original poster
Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 11:48

Thanks. I have been to the council. The only thing they can offer is housing benefit if I find a property. They could possibly put us in a hostel. I know the hostels to which they refer as I am a nurse and we often discharge drug addicts to them :( Absolutely no council housing stock in our ward so that is our only option with the LA.

As far as he is concerned it is my choice and therefore it is me that is putting the kids in this position. He has said I can stay in the house as long as I can pay enough of the bills/ or enough to help towards his rent elsewhere. That for me is not a choice because I am not sure how I can earn enough whilst being the full time carer to our boys. I am so sad, and I am aware there have been issues on both sides.... but I need to get organised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 11:50

@MostlyHappyMummy no not a chance. I am still breastfeeding the youngest boys. He wouldn't do this anyway. I hate to say it but I can't help thinking he is looking forward to being a weekend dad.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 20/02/2022 11:55

How old are you? You can rebuild you life even if your future feels bleak at the moment.

If you work can you rent a place, perhaps citizens advice for benefits help or entitledto calculator also start claiming CMS.

I'm so sorry what a shock for you. You never know how someone will behave until you separate. Women are so financially vulnerable if they have children without marriage but no one ever thinks it will happen to them.

If he was a decent man he would work out a solution so that the children are housed adequately with you both.

Will he step up to sharing child care responsibilities or is his job too important Confused

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 20/02/2022 11:55

His obligation now is to the children. It might be better to leave them with the security of their home and with him, and you look for somewhere for one. In hindsight you risked an awful lot by not being married but it's pointless saying that now.

Original poster
Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 11:57

We were supposed to get married during first Covid wave. It was cancelled as rescheduled.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/02/2022 11:58

Short term you could move with the youngest. It would give him the opportunity to build a closer relationship with the other 2 and hopefully mean he doesn't become a EOW Disney Dad.

I cannot imagine how are angry you must be feeling that he is happy to stitch you up.

toomuchlaundry · 20/02/2022 11:58

I assume he will pay maintenance and have you checked what benefits you are entitled to? How old are DC?

Iamkmackered1979 · 20/02/2022 11:59

If you’re homeless the council have a duty to house you, they wouldn’t put you in a hostel with dodgy people when you have kids there are family places and other temporary accommodation. They won’t do anything until you’re out mind you - I had to wait till I handed the keys back to my letting agent then present myself to homeless office - horrible day.

Couldn’t he help you find somewhere and pay deposit, I had 3 of mine in one room for a while all boys too. Also a nurse. Will you be able to keep working? I really feel for you it’s a horrible position to be in, and he can just walk away.
I hope someone can help you, especially as your boys are so little

MostlyHappyMummy · 20/02/2022 12:00

Would you consider 50-50?
I know it isn't pleasant to consider time away from your children but you need to prioritise your ability to work
And it will do your ex partner good to have to step up

Sassbott · 20/02/2022 12:05

I’m so sorry OP. I don’t have much I can add but am hoping others can offer advice.

I would figure out how much child maintenance he would pay. I mean that amount becomes zero if he goes for 50/50. What level of contact will he be wanting? Have you discussed this? As others have said the more he steps up, the more you can focus on work and getting yourself in a better position financially.

Is family from either side nearby who can help? Or is there an option to move closer to your family for practical support?

Flowers for you. What a horrible position to be in.

MintJulia · 20/02/2022 12:06

I agree with iamkmackered Canyou find a 2 bed house, ask your ex to pay the deposit and a month's rent to get you started, and claim housing benefit/UC.

He'll have to pay child maintenance moving forward plus you'll have child benefits for the first two.

Fireflygal · 20/02/2022 12:06

I hate to say it but I can't help thinking he is looking forward to being a weekend dad

I had one of those, loves his life post separation as the dc fit around his priorities such as work (gives status) and hobbies.

It hurts like hell to realise your dc have a poor dad (although Disney dad) however the dc know which parent loves them and overtime your relationship with them will deepen.

VioletCharlotte · 20/02/2022 12:09

I think private rent is your best option. Depending on what you earn, you'll be entitled to housing benefit. You'll need a deposit - would he help you with that?

There are benefits calculators online that you can use to work out what you're entitled to. Have you discussed maintenance payments yet?

You're probably feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but so many people go through this (I've been there to) and come out the other side. There's no reason to think you'll end up in a homeless hostel.

Balcmange · 20/02/2022 12:13

Keep on at the council. All LAs have some housing stock, it's just hard to get. Rn your status is threatened homeless, which is one step down from homeless and means you have priority but they don't have to discharge their duty with private/temp accommodation. There will be a bidding system for any properties that do come up. Get yourself on it and get your priority accurately recorded.

Having said that, also look at private renting. Your council should have a scheme where they cover the value of the deposit and you just need to pay rent.

Claim universal credit as a single head of household with three children. That's what you are regardless of where you're living. Let them work out what details they need, get back to you and go to citizen's advice when they do.

Don't just hand over your children to a man who has demonstrated that he doesn't prioritise their welfare. They stay with you and you claim assistance from the appropriate authorities.

BlanketsBanned · 20/02/2022 12:16

How awful for you to be in this position even more so with young children, are you working at the moment or on mat leave. I would speak to occy health at work about this if you can, they may be able to help you find somewhere, do they have accommodation you could move into, as a nurse you will be eligible for keyworker accommodation.
He has ended the relationship, cancelled the wedding, expects you to pay his rent for him to move out and pay towards the bills while he has 3 children, and he owns a house outright with no mortgage. I wouldn't be helping him at all and would take him for every penny I could, he owes that to this children, it's hard now to focus on what to do but he sounds pretty selfish.

bounce89 · 20/02/2022 12:21

@Zippydedoo if you ask the council there used to be a deposit scheme so you could apply for the deposit and first months rent to be paid if you find a house to rent privately.
Go on entitled to.com to see what you're entitled to and check the child maintenance calculator to see how much he would have to give you.

I have also ended up in this situation with two young children in the past, it's awful and extremely hard but you can do it.

Speak to work about the situation you're in, see if they can help by changing your hours to suit looking after your children. They might not be able to but you don't know if you don't ask.

If you apply for universal credit you will also get a certain amount of childcare paid for you and may also be entitled to the 15 free hours of childcare or 30 hours depending on ages.

Good luck, it's an emotional rollercoaster with so much uncertainty but you can do this.

BlanketsBanned · 20/02/2022 12:22

www.cavellnursestrust.org/what-we-do/

Redwinestillfine · 20/02/2022 12:22

Have you spoken to a solicitor op? If not I would justto see where you stand.

RaininSummer · 20/02/2022 12:24

I agree that renting privately would be best at this point. He needs to step up to help with deposit and first month's rent.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 20/02/2022 12:30

If you are sure he doesn't want to be primary carer then I would say to him that you cannot be homeless with 3 children and you can't afford to pay everything for the house so if he won't let you stay then it is better for them to have a roof over their heads so they will live with him and you will find a room to rent and go from there.

He will most probably have an inexplicable change of heart and decide his children need a roof over their heads with their mum as their primary carer.

Original poster
Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 12:30

One minute I feel super strong and ready for anything, the next I can't stop crying. I'm just so devastated that all our dreams were bullshit. It was never going to happen. He was never going to grow up.
He might even have me back if he realises the grass isn't greener, but he would never fight for me or our family or take into account if he changed a little bit then things might be better, he wants his life exactly as he wants it. If I don't then so be it. So from that point of view I guess it's my fault, the fact that I settled for fucking years of drudgery and false promises. It's not all been bad, we have beautiful kids and happy times occasionally. But there is no emotional support, no support, no affection. He wants a party lifestyle. I am exhausted through breastfeeding and co-sleeping for the last 5 years so I just want a bit of peace.
Now that I am working too I am doubly exhausted but all he cares about is where he's going on Friday night. It's always been this way and I've always been supportive of his extreme sociability.....and the rest. So as far ashes concerned I'm the one with the issue.

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