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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Houseless with three kids.

80 replies

Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 11:35

We have split up. We have 3 small boys. My Ex fiance owns the house outright. I have nothing of any value really. I have put my career on hold to support him, I have toiled away helping to renovate the house. I have spent any spare cash I had on and in the house and on the kids. I have no savings. I work. We were about to get married and he has cancelled the wedding. I know I'm not entitled to anything, he has offered that I stay in the home while I sort myself out, along as I can pay the bills or give him enough money to rent a place for him. He is eventually going to sell the house and have a new start. We have been together for a very long time.
I am angry at myself and I am sad but I need to get practical. Where do I start? I have spoken to the council but we have no council housing stock in our ward- it was sold off.

OP posts:

trickyex · 20/02/2022 12:38

You poor thing.
I would get an appointment with the CAB asap and start doing some homework on what benefits etc you are entitled to. IS there a way of finding council accommodation in another town/city?
How old are your sons?

Ohmamma30 · 20/02/2022 12:38

Are there no other housing associations in your area? I struggle with the fact that the council will allow yourself and three young children to be homeless. Contact Shelter and speak with them, they may be able to help.

You will be entitled to Universal Credit, they will contribute towards your rent and cover much of that cost. In order for you to work, you will also be entitled to childcare elements also, please look at this. Your ex should also be clear about how much maintenance he will be paying you also.
Some people may also say to contact citizens advice, personally I find they are often not knowledgeable about many issues. Actively seek out any women’s support groups in your area. Women’s Aid may be able to point you in the direction of further support. There has been no issue of physical abuse mentioned here I know however, he is making you effectively homeless with three children, knowing you are not in a position right now to support them fully on your own, so I’d say this is rather disgusting behaviour.
Does your council have details of homes that accept HB through private landlords? Once your Universal credit is in order, contact your local estate agencies and see if they have a list of landlords who accept HB.
All will be well, it’ll just take time to adjust. It may also be a struggle at first. But all does come right in the end. Good luck.

Original poster

Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 12:39

And you know what the more I think and write the more I see how hurt I am about the future we were going to have. I am 39 and I feel 89. I don't think he will see us destitute, he is extremely proud so he wouldn't want other people to see him as a shitty person.

OP posts:

simplelife100 · 20/02/2022 12:43

The council have to help rehouse you as you have young children

trickyex · 20/02/2022 12:50

Good point about local womens aid etc, there are a few places like that where I live and they offer emotional as well as practical support.
If you are able to say which city or county you live in we can probably make some suggestions.
Any family or friends who can offer some support/help with the kids?

UserError012345 · 20/02/2022 12:51

How long is the offer for you to stay while you 'get yourself sorted'? I wouldn't be in a rush to 'sort'.

What does he expect you to do and go with his 3 children ? I doubt he'd see you on the streets. Why should you have to ask to be housed because he's decided he wants out?

I'd be inclined to sit still for as long as possible (obvs start thinking about a back up plan).

He should bear the brunt of this as he will be a single individual with greater freedom / finances. It's easier for him as he only has himself to think about. Even if it means he has to not sell the house till the kids are older.

Opentooffers · 20/02/2022 13:02

CMS, he has to at the very least pay for his DC. So find out how much he has to pay you, add that income to your wages to work out how much you can afford to rent privately. If he's reasonable, or he wants a lifestyle where he can do his own thing it will be in his own interest to fund your deposit for a place to rent, otherwise he will have to put up with you staying put for much longer than would make him comfortable and cramp his style - tough! He's going to find it hard to find anyone who would date him while you are resident and you do have some power to make his life quite awkward, pay half the bills out of the cms if he insists - or just squat for a bit and save, as you say he's too proud to chuck you on the streets.

Vampirethriller · 20/02/2022 13:06

Call Women's Aid, they can advise you, I've been in one of their refuges myself and they were amazing.

Original poster

Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 13:08

Thank you all. All valid points and suggestions. Think I am best to try to look after my own wellbeing whilst still living here. Like you have said if I begin to cramp his style he would have no option but to help me make a fresh start of my own. I'm just so emotional I can't see the woods for the trees.

OP posts:

HiDay · 20/02/2022 13:09

I wish there was a National system of offering help...or is there but I don't know about it.

I was in your position, but over the years, with a good job, I'm back on my feet. I would be so interested in buying a second property to offer to a family, where I could really make a difference to them. I know I wouldn't get the market rent, but would be fine with being able to give something back.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/02/2022 13:10

How much does he earn OP because it may be the amount of maintenance he owes would zero out any’contribution, - Here’s what I would do— stay put— he pays rent/mortgage for a year— but no maintenance due— you then work and see if you can claim some benefits too — in the meantime this will give you time to look for a private rental — he then pays deposit and 1st months rent and maintenance from then forward. He’s in cuckoo land if he thinks you can stay but have to pay him to move and he has no maintenance to pay

Original poster

Zippydedoo · 20/02/2022 13:12

He earns a low salary out of choice because he enjoys the job. He has family money hence why he has this house and so much more.

OP posts:

Arcadia · 20/02/2022 13:14

Try and speak to a family lawyer. There is a little known provision which is schedule 1 of the Children Act. Google it.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/02/2022 13:14

@HiDay. I personally would love to set a charity up that rented and bought houses for this purpose!!! So many are stuck with arses because of this very situation- thexworst thing Thatcher did was in my opinion allow right to buy— when we lived in Bath it was obvious all the’buyers’ has sold up or moved on or were renting out charging stupid amounts to students . I personally would have made it that if you bought at discount and sold within 10 years, any profit went back into the system for building proper sized family houses or the council had the right to buy it back at the price you paid.

linchinton · 20/02/2022 13:15

@WouldIwasShookspeared

If you are sure he doesn't want to be primary carer then I would say to him that you cannot be homeless with 3 children and you can't afford to pay everything for the house so if he won't let you stay then it is better for them to have a roof over their heads so they will live with him and you will find a room to rent and go from there.

He will most probably have an inexplicable change of heart and decide his children need a roof over their heads with their mum as their primary carer.

I agree - you need to call his bluff, he shouldn't be allowed to plunge his children into poverty like this.

I get that you aren't married and therefore have no rights - but your children deserve better than being discarded like this by him.
You need to force him to take care of them so you can look for work.

HiDay · 20/02/2022 13:16

[quote Crikeyalmighty]@HiDay. I personally would love to set a charity up that rented and bought houses for this purpose!!! So many are stuck with arses because of this very situation- thexworst thing Thatcher did was in my opinion allow right to buy— when we lived in Bath it was obvious all the’buyers’ has sold up or moved on or were renting out charging stupid amounts to students . I personally would have made it that if you bought at discount and sold within 10 years, any profit went back into the system for building proper sized family houses or the council had the right to buy it back at the price you paid.[/quote]
@Crikeyalmighty - fab idea. I'm sure there must be?

Arcadia · 20/02/2022 13:17

As a family lawyer I would warn against giving up the children to him.

Opentooffers · 20/02/2022 13:17

Bide your time, there's no rush. Stay put as long as you need to and ignore his request for paying any bills - he's not going to turf you out and he can't force you to pay easily, just save everything you earn now and pay him nothing. The mortgage and the bills are his problem. He will come to see that by trying to make you pay out, he's going to have to put up with you living there longer.

FluteSongs · 20/02/2022 13:18

For once, on a MN thread, I am speechless. I can barely believe a man would chuck you and 3 young children on the street, one of whom you are still breastfeeding.

All I can suggest is legal advice from whatever quarter. This is exhausting, on top of everything else. Perhaps take a week off work with stress to try and do this and get other help and just to take some time to rest. PS hostels are horrible places I know (been there), but you might get an OK B&B for a short while.

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/02/2022 13:19

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

His obligation now is to the children. It might be better to leave them with the security of their home and with him, and you look for somewhere for one. In hindsight you risked an awful lot by not being married but it's pointless saying that now.

What a stupid thing to say a breastfeeding mum leave her kids ????

Movingonup22 · 20/02/2022 13:20

Others will know more than me - but if you have invested money and time in house is it not possible you have some sort of constructive trust over at least some of the value?

BlanketsBanned · 20/02/2022 13:25

The RCN have a legal line who might be able to help give you advice. If he buggers off who does he think will look after his children when you are at work, silly man. Have you got family who can help, what about his family, do they know what he plans to do.

EatSaidPatriarchy · 20/02/2022 13:26

You need to contact Women's Aid, Shelter, and, CAB. Plus the Council Emergency Housing line.

Also talk to work. I was in a similar situation and work helped me massively and funded emergency accomodation... I don't know if the NHS do this, but they do often have accomodation to offer staff.

Arcadia · 20/02/2022 13:26

@Movingonup22

Others will know more than me - but if you have invested money and time in house is it not possible you have some sort of constructive trust over at least some of the value?

She says in her second post that her contributions aren't enough legally (so has presumably had done some research into it or had some advice).

ThreeLocusts · 20/02/2022 13:29

Hi OP, I'm so sorry. I might have ended up in your position (unmarried with kids) but for the fact that we were in the US at the time an 'had to get married' for me to access health insurance. Sorry you weren't so lucky.

What you say about your ex-p having family money explains a lot. It has a way of stopping ppl from growing up, in my experience. It's at least possible that he doesn't fully realize how much you have contributed, having sunk your earnings into his house while having no wealth of your own to fall back on.

Whatever the legal position (of which I have no idea), if he is half decent he should be able to see that morally it's untenable for him to ask you to co-finance his return to a single party lifestyle while expecting you to both care for three young children (his!) and work to pay your way.

Hopefully you can get legal advice on how to make sure that you can stay in the house, with the kids, and with limited or no financial obligations to him. Given the cost of early years childcare, I imagine your earning capacity is very limited. He has to understand that you can't do nursing shift with his youngest child strapped to your back, ffs.

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