My wife is a conspiracy theorist and our lives are hell

[Herkule]

I don’t mind people believing conspiracy theories. I did watch some of them myself, some of them are interesting and I think some of them are possible to be true. But for my wife (we are not married, but I will call her that) conspiracies became her reality. Conspiracies – are only possible reality for her. This is now so bad… It’s her only interest now, everything on YouTube, Facebook, etc. wherever possible is her conspiracy stuff. Whenever she has some free time, guess what she does? Of course, she either talks with her fellow conspiracists online or watches them on YouTube.

It all wouldn’t be so bad, if we wouldn’t have a son, he is 2 years old now. Of course our son did not had his immunisations because of her. Of course our son listens to whatever she is listening and watching. That is just a beginning. She is planning not to take our son to nursery or even school… The reason is, according to her words – “They can come and vaccinate our son without our knowledge in school”. Another reason – kids become aggressive in school, they swear, etc. Now, I agree with her second statement. I am extremely depressed when I hear children age 10 or something walking and every second word they say is f**ck. But then I think, if he won’t go to government school and stay at home, he will still need to do something with his life in the future – go to college, university, work... So if he will be taught at home, isolated from everyone, he will be like a caveman and I think it will be a massive shock to him later to see real people and how they act. It might be just too much for him.

But in general, I think I wouldn’t mind home teaching. By someone smart. Which is not my wife. We are originally from Europe and living in the UK at the moment. UK is where our son was born. My wife does not speak English. Just basic stuff. So she will need to teach our son in English, without knowing English and I am employed full-time… She says: “I don’t know how I will teach him. Somehow”…

I might not have proved yet how bad her brain now with conspiracies. Here are some of her gems. Once she saw a Boris Johnson on newspaper, or online (cannot remember exactly now), she looked at him and said: “Look at him. This is not a Boris Johnson. He doesn’t even look like Boris Johnson. It’s his clone. There are many clones now. Real BJ has probably already payed for his deeds”. Bear in mind, dear readers, there was not a slight shade of joke in what she said. Not at all. This was said in the very seriousness.

I cannot speak with her much about stuff any longer, because, like I said, her reality are conspiracies and most stuff that we would speak about would eventually turn into her conspiracies. For example, we were driving once and I said: “The traffic is just too much, never happened here before, what’s going on”? And she replied: “Oh, you cannot even imagine what’s going on in the world”. Obviously, referring to something from her conspiracies, as, like I said before, it is the only thing she is watching. Another time, I just said: “There was a shooting in Plymouth recently, some guy just shot people”. She replied: “Yeah, he probably took the vaccine and it affected him this way, so he started shooting”...

Can you see…

I will admit – I didn’t take the vaccine myself. I am somewhat scared. But I don’t think I can think clearly now. My wife just spoke too much about it and I am not sure now, where is my opinion and my decision and where is hers inside my head.

We had a Covid not that long ago. I’ve done lateral flow test. My partner didn’t. According to her, tests are killing people and give them cancer. After the test I told her I have Covid, to which she replied: “I have my own opinion. It’s just a flu”.

Soon after we recovered from Covid, I phoned health care visitor and expressed my concerns. It wasn’t as detailed as this post I am writing, but I let them know the general idea of what is happening. Outcome – they just can’t do anything about it…

After reading this, many of you might say: “You are the father, why are you not doing anything about it???” I will explain everything, it is not that simple. If it would be, I wouldn’t post this in here. I need help, any help.

I am afraid for my son and what future he will have with this type of mother. I know, she loves him, she does, but the functionality of her brain is deteriorating. Rather than spending time with our son, teach him something whenever she has spare time, instead she goes to her laptop or tablet and immerse in the world of conspiracies… The only time she reads him short children story (thank you!) is before bed. That’s what I see when I come back from work and on the weekends, I don’t know what is happening when I’m at work and how many things our son is hearing. I don’t understand how she wants to teach our son at home instead of school. Her routine is going to bed with our son earliest at 23:00, usually between 23:00 – 00:00 and waking up between 11-12. Of course, while our son sleeps, she often watches her conspiracies. Sometimes up to 3, 4 am… How do I know that? Well, she doesn’t even deny it. Then, in the morning, she lies in bed for at least half an hour, but often up to an hour, because according to her words “she just cannot get up immediately”. Then do all her required procedures… So our son usually not having proper breakfast until at least 13.00.

Why am I not doing anything about it? Here is the main reason. I think child definitely needs a mother. And there is a huge possibility our son needs my wife more than me. I mean, she spends most of the time with him while I’m at work. Also, he is still breastfed. He wakes up at nights, he cries and demands the tit, he usually not calming down until he gets it. If I am trying to calm him down, he starts to shout even louder and pushes me away.

That is the core, main, the biggest reason I still didn’t take my son away and moved with him somewhere else together. I would be dying inside and feel devastated each minute if my son would cry and want his mother back while with me. Here I will explain something about myself.

I don’t think I ever loved someone in my life. I don’t think I even loved my mother. But now I love my son. I believe, he is the only person that I love and ever loved. So if I would see him suffer because his mom is not with him, this could potentially destroy me and make me insane. I don’t have anyone who could support me or help me. I don’t have any family or friends. No one would help me and my son. I would never find another lady who could be a mom for my son. This is because I’m ugly. Also, I have a social anxiety and I am extremely quiet. And what women value in modern world in men? Number 1 – face, number 2 – ability to communicate, be chill and awesome guy. I am opposite of all those. Believe me, I am talking from experience. 7 to 8 years I’ve spent online searching for a girl… Tinder, POF, match.com, you name it. Not a single girl wanted to speak to me. I’ve tried in real life as well – the same story. And when before any girl would suit me, I would be very careful to pick a lady now – because I have a son now. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if she wouldn’t love me, just so that she would love my son with her whole heart and soul, care for him and support him, because he is a little angel.

You will say I contradict myself. I am in relationship now and have a son. Yes, being 27 years old, I finally had my first ever relationship, after many years of trying. My wife is my old time friend. She was my best friend (and only female friend) and eventually we came together. Without love. We didn’t love each other and being a very good friends, we told that to each other early in our relationship. I didn’t care much, I just was so desperate never having a relationship before, I wanted one and I wanted to continue no matter what, despite there were many red flags not to be with her. Now, there is no even friendship. No love, no attraction. Our son is what connects us.

So that would be the second reason I am not taking any measures – I would not have any friends to help or support me, nor would I find a lady who could potentially replace him his mother. And from the way I described myself, I think you understand why I have no friends. My face is really off-putting, plus my behaviour, being anxious, awkward, not communicating with people, even though I do love them.

Last reason would be money. To move out right now with a son is extremely hard, as rent is expensive in UK because of what is happening in the world, plus, not many landlords like to accept tenants with small children… But this is the smallest reason. If my son would be happy to be just with me, without mom, I would move out and wouldn’t care about money, I would go into debt or whatever it takes to save my son and give him a proper life.

If someone thinking: “You are a man and your wife should listen to your word”, it’s not a case with my wife. She has a special weapon – threatening me with suicide. You see, I think she actually only threatens me and she don’t want to do it, but I will not risk it. I was almost sure she just simulated it after putting all the pieces together, first time she presumably overdosed. But I won’t risk it. That’s why I don’t reply too much to her now, no matter how much she offends me during the arguments. She knows my views on the conspiracies, but she is saying I’m a sheep and a coward and she is awake now and knows the truth. She said it is her spiritual path. Of course she never wears a mask in shops or other places, as she just can say she is exempt (she is not, unless she actually is but is not recorded in her medical history). I hate masks as well, I hate lockdowns, but I don’t focus on it, I only focus on how I can get a good life for my son. And when I tell her to start learning English, she says that it is not what she wants at the moment and she is doing something much more important, by looking into conspiracies. She also says that she will never be working anymore, as she worked enough in her life and if need be, I must take on the second job to support the family.

I don’t want my son to be like me and live the life I lived, by staying at home all the time and being isolated from people. Biggest problem in my life always was my social anxiety, inability to communicate and connect with people, I never could do it and that ruined my whole life. I had therapies and have been several years on medication – all of which was completely useless. I always was lonely, depressed and suicidal because of this. I don’t want this to happen to my son and I want to do everything possible to give him a good life. I think my wife will be heavily on my way to achieve this and will teach him to hate whole world, like she does, except loving the conspiracy theorists. It is not helpful that because of her conspiracies she now doesn’t trust doctors and NHS in general, so she always speak about them negatively, reluctant to take our son for check-ups and doesn’t go to doctors herself. For example, she recently received an invitation for cervical cancer check up, but she said: “I won’t go, hell knows what’s going at doctors these days”. I would take my son to doctors or therapists if I would see something strange happening with his mental health. I don’t want my son to be like me…

Please, if someone has any advice… I was thinking a lot what could I do in this situation, but I just cannot find a solution. A solution which would be the least traumatizing to my son. That’s all I want. So that my son would not be traumatized, so that it would not impact his mental health. I am asking you, everyone… I am not really a smart person, so maybe there is a solution that I don’t see?

I just need some help and advice… Of course, I would love to find real life friends, so that we could support each other and help each other, but I think that if in my 30+ years I was not able to find any friends, I will never be…

I just really need help and advice. I am so depressed and scared, it bothers me every day, I feel pressure and chest discomfort every day…
In my meaningless and miserable life, for the first time I have a person that I love and care for and I cannot allow anything bad happen to him.

P.S. I will be probably posting this everywhere where is possible to post, in hopes to find an answer, help or solution to my problem, so please, if you know where else this would be suitable to post, let me know.

Thank you.

Well, that was quite long! She doesn't sound very well, does she?
Before covid came along, what was she like? Do you think anxieties about health and the pandemic have tipped her over the edge a bit? Could you speak to her GP?

I think getting your son into a better routine would be helpful, and probably better for her too. What's a normal waking/bedtime for small children in your home country? I appreciate that not all Europeans subscribe to the British idea of putting children to bed by 7:30, but in some ways it's very helpful, as it gives a little time in the evening to eat/bathe/clean/chill for the parents.

Are you working full time and out of the house?

Goodness me what a pickle! I have to say though that you definitely won't get anyone on here suggesting your wife should listen to you because you're her husband!

I'm no expert but it sounds as though your wife may need professional help - her 'conspiracy theories' seem to be crossing the boundary into some kind of paranoia/persecution mania.

If the stress and anxiety is giving you physical symptoms I think you should also consult a medical professional.

I don't think this is something there's an easy solution to that you have overlooked - it's a complex problem and unfortunately I don't think anyone on the internet is going to be able to present a solution - you both need professional intervention.

I do wish you all the best and hope that, with the right support, you can find a way through this as a family.

Sorry your post was so long I didn’t read it all, but certainly from the first half of it your partner may need some professional support as she sounds like she’s suffering from paranoia and anxiety. After the last couple of years I’m sure there will be more people than ever dealing with anxiety, especially around health and trusting authority. But this is now impacting your child and that’s not fair. I don’t know how you go about getting her to admit she needs help, but I’m not sure a bunch of randoms on the internet can help tbh.

I think you should insist that your child goes to nursery or school. The worry about kids being aggressive and swearing...My kids go to school and they've never been aggressive, a little bit of swearing but it doesn't really bother me. It's important for kids to be around peers and to go though the different stages of development, even if some of them might be a little bit of a challenge for parents. It's healthy.
Perhaps you could have a read about childhood development, school and peers etc. so you will see that it is important.

Also let's say you did manage to get custody of your son, you don't need to find him a new mother, He still has a mother, and would still see his mother, hopefully regularly.

You would have to do most of the raising of your child yourself even with creche etc. You don't go out and find him a new mother....that's a very unrealistic notion you have, maybe among your culture or where you're from that's the done thing or have just got it in your head that it's an option but realistically it's not.

I am sorry that your health care visitor did not take your concerns seriously, It is incredibly frustrating and upsetting to not get help or support after reaching out for some.

Your son doesn't need another Mother, he has one. What he does need is you to step up and help him right now. You need to take some time off work to care for him and try to get a bit of routine in place for him.

Your wife sounds like she needs help, is it possible she has Post Natal Depression? Conspiracies can feed into anxiety.

If she won't accept help then I think all you can do is remove your son from the situation and seek legal advice to sort out custody to ensure that he had a suitable and safe upbringing.

I know you say it would upset him but longer term it might be the lesser of the two evils as it doesn't sound like he has much in the way of socialization, interaction or even structure in his life.

Also, no woman has to listen to any one ",, because they are a man"

If your son is not having a healthhy routine and will not be getting any education (obvs your wife is NOT fit to educate him, in English or not) then the only solution seems to be to contact social services - that is if you can afford childcare when you are at work before the time when he goes to school.
That's quite scary but what else can you do? The first call should be to your your GP to discuss if anyone can assess your wife's mental health without her willing to be assessed, I honestly don't know if that's possible, but when a child is involved there probably is a way. Terrible situation all round.
Btw it's not good tht you hev no family or friends but they would not be ale to solve this for you as your wife would have rejected that and she has righhts as a mother! You would stil haev to involve social services if she is not willing to have mental health treatment.

Another one here suggesting your wife needs professional help.

It might help to know that for a lot of conspiracy theorists, they get comfort from the feeling of control it gives them. The idea that they and a few of their friends are smarter than everyone else and that they see things more clearly. It can also be a much needed sense of community for people who are feeling lost and alienated.

I wound consider who you could talk to - your GP for example, or even social services.

It sounds like your wife needs some support.

Don't put yourself down, many of us dislike our own faces. I tend to find the people who are considered to be beautiful are often lacking in something and I never have anything in common with them anyway. It's about what's inside.

This pandemic has really shown some people in another light. A long-term friend of mine who I've always thought of as really clever and switched on, was on the freedom convoy the other week. She's gone total covid conspiracy.

Although all NHS services are super overstretched at the moment, there is still help out there. Talk to the gp, ask if there's any services they can point you in the direction of, ask them in social services might help.

To clarify, I mean to say that contacting social services will be with a view of you getting custody, it takes time to get custody so i think they would offer help in the meantime, as opposed if you just contacted a lawyer. And getting custody means ou have to be able to afford childcare when at work.

You need to be considering your options.
You could bring up your child yourself, if necessary; plenty of people do, as I'm sure you know.
Your wife needs some help, I would start finding out what can be done to find what support she needs.
Does she realise how you feel, and how close to the edge this is making you?
Does she feel she is being a good mum?

You owe it to your son to start taking a little control of the situation.

My friend is in a similar situation with his ex wife, she is also paranoid prone to persecutory and rigid thinking - believes she knows stuff the rest of us don’t as she ‘does her own research’ which seems to be watching YouTube videos and talking in Facebook groups with other similarly inclined folks.

I can see why it isn’t meeting threshold for childrens services etc as your son is cared for and safe, and it isn’t illegal to believe in off things and not take the vaccine (yet!).

If I was you I would start by seeking support for your own mental health/social anxiety as thats the only part you can really change. You can self refer to your local IAPT service for this.

You can also make a GP appt and outline your concerns, never hurts to have a paper trail in case you do end up in family court down the line.

Your wife sounds really unwell, is she very isolated here? Does she have friends with a common language? Does she attend any parenting groups?

Such a long post OP. But from what I can see I think it would be helpful to consider the following

1. to have a very open and honest conversation with the health visitor, and/or social services in your area and ask for some help, that your worried about your ‘wife’ and the impact on your dear son,
2. it sounds like your wife needs some professional help, like a mental health assessment (your GP, or local crisis mental health team will be able to help, even the Samaritans can point you in the right direction). If there’s grounds she can be assessed against her wishes.
3. her threats of suicide also indicate a need for a mental health assessment
4. it sounds like you also need to consider support for yourself, definitely speak to your GP about that too. The fact you’re here asking for help indicates you want to do the best for your son and that is admirable, don’t be so hard on yourself

It may be that she isn’t well and needs some help, I’d say don’t jump too far into the future (making decisions re: custody, schooling etc) before trying to take control of this situation and address it in the here and now.

OP, is there a Family Solutions Centre in your neighbourhood? Or a Citizens Advice Bureau locally, where you could go to to ask for some advice without your wife's knowledge? They will be able to point you in the direction of some services that could offer you some support. It does sound as if your wife needs help with her mental health, and if you are both so isolated from friends and family, the situation could go on deteriorating - which would obviously be the best environment for your child, or indeed for any of you. Her defensiveness sounds almost like paranoia. Please do seek further help - there are many agencies where help is readily available, especially where children are involved. You are right to be concerned, and doing the right thing to seek advice.

That post was too long
You won't convince her to change
Break up - take control

You need to get professional people involved ASAP. It’s a necessity because this will not end well. You also need to take the role of the primary parent. Yes your kid needs a mum, but who says you are not adequate enough to also be the main parent. This is YOUR LIFE, and YOUR SONS LIFE. Focus on him, let the professionals help your wife.

Something is wrong somewhere so take control with the help of professional people.

I am really sorry to hear about your troubles.

I agree with others have said - Get back in touch with your Health Visitor stating it is urgent
Sort out your son's basic vaccinations.

Speak to your GP (try to book a double appt) about both your and your partner/wife's anxieties.

I would also suggest you free up some time from work. Your son's welfare comes first, you probably need to spend a bit more time with him. You two are adults, who need support, but you can get help for yourselves.

I don't know which country you are from - there are Polish churches and they might be able to point you to a community group that can support both in some way.

I think both of you are lonely and under great stress.

I hope things get better with time.

I'm really sorry to read your heartbreaking post post. I think like other posters that you ad your wife need urgent support. Contact your Health Visitor and see your GP and explain some of what you are going through. Your wife may have untreated PND which can be devastating.

Does your wife work? She sounds very isolated. You don't sound ugly at all. You sound like a devoted father and a person who has lacked emotional connection. True beauty is on the inside. Hope you get some more advice.

@Hohofortherobbers

Your wife sounds really unwell, is she very isolated here? Does she have friends with a common language? Does she attend any parenting groups?

I would start here also. Find a community from her culture and get involved. She is much too isolated and that could be impacting her mental health. It sounds like you are also very isolated.

Does she have any family in the world?

@CatAndHisKit

To clarify, I mean to say that contacting social services will be with a view of you getting custody, it takes time to get custody so i think they would offer help in the meantime, as opposed if you just contacted a lawyer. And getting custody means ou have to be able to afford childcare when at work.

Social services do not get involved in private contact and residence arrangements. The man needs to take action himself. That means separating, and likely going to court to set up living arrangements. Shared care would be better than what he's getting now. It doesn't have to be 100% one parent or the other.

I don't know what country you are from but your countrymen would definetly give you support and help. Please find a society or church in the UK of your people and the first words you should say to them are "my son and I desperately need some help". Best of luck.]

1. There is no easy breakup. No easy divorce - or "divorce". Your situation is complex (I live abroad, so I understand it can make things even more complex, but still, it's always hard). Point being, relationships are usually hard to end, even when you're the one ending them. And for you, despite you not having feelings for her, this would be your first breakup, and that is a hard one too, plus there's a child involved. So if you want to separate, gird your loins, because it will be hard and that's that. Doesn't mean it will be hard forever though.

1. Take your post and write it again in bullets, listing the points of concern you have about your wife's behaviours only, not how you feel about your looks/relationship history. Add a second bullet under each behaviour noting when that behaviour started - roughly ie before/after birth of DS. Take that list with you to the health visitor and/or GP (and any other body that's been listed by people here) and tell them.

1. When DS is 3 he will qualify for free hours at nursery. Sign him up when you can.

1. Your partner is very likely ill in some way. You're depressed but less ill than her. You need to take charge of improving the situation. First put on your own oxygen (like they say in planes). Go to the GP, double appointment and tell about how you're feeling. It could be that in the short term antidepressants could help you - or something else. Point is, find what helps you feel better first.

1. Work out what you want for your future. Work towards that. Do you want to be living with her? No? Then figure out a way to not be. You're actually in a good position to leave, financially speaking. If the sexes were reversed, she'd likely be called a cocklodger.

1. Does she have a family member you could fly over to stay with you for a few weeks as a surprise? Mother, sister etc? I'm pretty sure most family members would be shocked to see what's going on and may be able to talk to her in a way you can't to get her to see that things aren't ok.

1. Are you on the birth certificate as the father? If yes, good, if no, then an absolute priority is to get your name on there.

1. You made a child with this woman. No other woman can ever be his mother. Ever. And no other woman should ever be tricked into a relationship with you just because you want a replacement mother for your son. So get the idea out of your head, even if it's hypothetical. It's extremely disrespectful to speak about women like that anyway. We are not walking around to be mothers or substitute mothers.

1. You need to spend more time with your son. He needs two parents, not one. Obviously working less hours means less income, but is it possible to just add an extra hour or two just you and him? It seems like she does all the work and that's how you've divided it but doesn't mean it's how it has to remain. You love your DS and he needs you emotionally, not only financially. Yes he cries for the breast, but other than that, there's nothing you can't do for him.

10. No easy solution to this but there's one guarantee: nothing will change - and definitely not improve - if you do nothing.

You say you don’t want to take your son away from his mother but it doesn’t have to be like that now. You can share parenting. You would have him half the week or you could organise to have him every weekend. You would then get alone time with him. He absolutely should go to school. He needs to be taught the basics well and learn how to interact with people other than your wife.

You sound very lost and hopeless, but it is now time to take control of your life. Yes you think you are ugly and have social problems, but really no one is perfect, we all have flaws and failings, that is what makes each of us unique. Many people struggle through life, but you have been given a life to live, now it is time to stop being passive and let things happen to you, now it is time to decide how you want to live this life of yours. You have found a purpose for your life - to give your child the best start he can have.

I think you should focus first on getting some help for yourself, so you can see things more clearly and then try and help your dw - who is clearly not well. I think you need this whether you stay in this relationship or separate so that you can be a stable and trusted father to your child - providing a routine, ensuring that they do not get lost in the world of conspiracy theories - and especially in case your dw becomes more delusional. A church or community group from your country, or go to the doctors and tell them how lost you are feeling and that you need help. Is there anyone at work that you could confide in as a small first step?