Adhd husband

[TheCountessOfGrantham]

Hi,

Can someone please explain something to me, because I'm getting so pissed off with this and I might be a bit less frustrated if I understood better. Either it's because of his ADHD or because he's an arse and I would like to know which.

When he does something that inconveniences people, he's angry at them! And he's always pulling people up on things that he's even more guilty of.

This morning is a perfect example. We're going on a day trip for our DS birthday. Made sure there was double the amount of time actually needed in order to get ready. DH snarls at the kids for leaving cups and plates in their rooms when his own cups and plates are piled on his side of our bed. DH berates them for not getting dressed by half 8 while he is still strolling about in his pj bottoms. Then, when the time comes to leave for the trip, DH has lost the keycard for the car. I was careful not to make him feel stupid or bad because of it. I simply said, "ok, don't worry, we'll find it, it can't be far." The kids were a bit worried because he'd been snapping at them all morning that we MUST LEAVE AT a certain time or we would miss everything.

Dh flapped and fussed and half heartedly checked a few pockets. I found it under the sofa where he flung his coat, cheerfully announced "ah, here it is" and he snatched it off me, stormed out to the car, face like a slapped arse and is now driving ridiculously, as usual, right up the arses of other cars at 80mph on the motorway. The kids are now feeling uneasy and tense and he's driving, jaw set, ignoring people when they speak to him.

He ALWAYS does this when he's in a mood in the car and he knows 100% it frightens me and makes me anxious for the kids, but it's like he needs to prove he's capable or the best driver on the road or something. I think he's an aggressive and risky driver anyway, even when in a perfectly cheerful mood.

He'll be like this now for about half an hour and then he'll start talking about something utterly random and will be happy again. But I'm so frustrated by this!! I'm so tired of this repeat, over and over and I'm so cross with him putting everyone in danger! He literally just had to slam the brakes on because another driver was clearly not putting up with his aggressive driving, I've shouted in fear "what the fuck are you doing??" And now he's driving bang on 70, literally gritting his teeth and will probably ignore me for hours now because I shouted at him.

I don’t think it’s adhd he’s suffering from it sounds more narcissistic. They like to ruin other people’s special occasions because the focus isn’t on them

@Isntisironic1

I don’t think it’s adhd he’s suffering from it sounds more narcissistic. They like to ruin other people’s special occasions because the focus isn’t on them

He doesn't have form for ruining events, he has form for being angry at other people for his own inability to keep track of belongings and he gets cross with the children for doing things he's even worse with. And he drives like an arsehole and thinks it's good driving because he managed to overtake other people and perform risky and unsafe manoeuvres without killing us all.

He does have ADHD, diagnosed.

I've no advice as I'm autistic not ADHD but it sounds like a stress response to me. I know that if I can't find things, I can go into a real panic. Things get too bright, my vision goes into slow motion and I'm close to meltdown.

I'll not comment further though and hopefully some people with ADHD will be along soon to explain more.

Driving like that puts him firmly in the dangerous arse category imo.

I have adhd and dyspraxia which isn’t a great combination for driving so I drive more mindfully and carefully to compensate.

Adhd is an explanation but it’s not an excuse.

If he can’t drive safely he shouldn’t drive at all. End of.

Agree that he shouldn't drive in that state

I have ADHD and I would say his moodiness before leaving the house is probably being bought around by being anxious. Anxious to leave on time, worried the kids will make him late etc. Doesn't excuse it though, particularly towards the kids. And the dangerous driving is really stupid. I would be furious if DH was driving recklessly with the kids in the car just because he was in a mood.

The taking his anger out on everyone else because of losing keys I'm guessing is his frustration at himself being projected onto others. I do this sometimes but will always apologise/explain myself afterwards. It sounds as though your DH would benefit from learning some coping strategies to help when he is feeling stressed/anxious (counselling maybe?). Perhaps sit down with him tonight and have a chat about it once the kids are asleep and you're both calm. He really needs to understand the impact of his behaviour on the kids especially is unacceptable. Whilst ADHD can make it much harder to control your emotional response, ADHD shouldn't be an excuse to act unacceptably towards anybody in my opinion.

Is he on medication?

He isn't on medication but will be, he's waiting for an appointment with the titration team

We are in slow moving traffic now and I am so relieved. I feel like I'm on the edge of a panic attack because of his erratic driving. My chest is tight and I feel like I can't get a deep enough breath and my pulse is racing!

Sounds really scary, is there anywhere he could pull over so you could take over the driving?

I hope your day gets better

@TheCountessOfGrantham

We are in slow moving traffic now and I am so relieved. I feel like I'm on the edge of a panic attack because of his erratic driving. My chest is tight and I feel like I can't get a deep enough breath and my pulse is racing!

No wonder. I'd be terrified

I have ADHD. The driving thing isn’t ok, whether or not it’s related to ADHD.

he's an aggressive and risky driver anyway, even when in a perfectly cheerful mood.

If this really is true, if ADHD affects driving, this is meant to be reported it to the DVLA.

I really hope he gets treatment sorted as it sounds like he is struggling and it sounds very scary for you.

Yes it might be stress and anxiety from aspects of ADHD but he’s handling those symptoms by being a nasty, narcissistic, angry man bully ☹️ It doesn’t matter how bad he feels or why, he cannot be abusing others to make himself feel better.

My DH has ADHD (diagnosed and medicated) and is not like this at all. I think it might be an anxiety thing but it's definitely not something that is intrinsically linked to ADHD. I'd refuse to get in the car with DH if he was driving like that! That's not ok!

He's just being so nasty. As we were leaving he really dramatically got into the passenger seat. I asked what he was doing and he said "oh, I'm not driving home, you are, I'm not going to be made to feel like a monster by all your anxiety and crawling up the seat to get away from what you think is going to be a crash." I said "ok, fine" and got into the drivers seat. He then said "do you want to drive back then??"
I replied that it was fine and put the key in the ignition. He got out of the car and stood behind it. I got out and joined him and he said "we have never crashed with me driving. Never." And then got in the drivers seat. I assume he wanted me to plead or apologise? No way.

So we are driving home at 55mph. I don't care, it feels way safer to me. Our youngest DC even said he likes it better than when daddy drives too fast and DH replied "you're always safe in the car with me, but daddy isn't even driving. See, daddy is just steering. Backseat drivers are the ones in control of the car. That's why we are going so slow." Our son is six. I asked DH what he was playing at and he said "I'm driving like this because I'm getting it in the neck"
I told him he's not heard a word against his driving on the way home because he's not terrifying everyone and to stop passive aggressive insults about me to our children, because it's not clever, it's nasty. First thing he did was take a corner so sharply that all three DC lost what they were holding in the back of the car, didn't apologise, snapped a pair of headphones on and ignored everyone. I'm betting we will get in and he'll drag his miserable sulking arse upstairs and stew for hours.

He is abusive.

My ex has ADHD, diagnosed. He was like your DP. Dangerous, agressive, impatient driving. Snapping and anger at a slight hint of any criticism in general.
Things improved with medication, but by then we had separated.
He was also aggressive and abusive to our children, but couldn't see it. He could never be wrong. It was traumatizing to leave him as he threatened suicide. I was left with PTSD, a single mother in charge of two tramatised kids. No help. It was hell on earth and eight years later, I'm recovering.
He could be the charmer with other people, always lied about how much he did with the kids too.
I know everyone with ADHD is not like this, but having read forums online, it is not uncommon.
Other conditions often develop alongside ADHD, especially conduct disorder.
I hope the medication works for your DP.
A good book to get: Is it you, me, or ADHD?
Good luck.

@Toloveandtowork

My ex has ADHD, diagnosed. He was like your DP. Dangerous, agressive, impatient driving. Snapping and anger at a slight hint of any criticism in general. Things improved with medication, but by then we had separated. He was also aggressive and abusive to our children, but couldn't see it. He could never be wrong. It was traumatizing to leave him as he threatened suicide. I was left with PTSD, a single mother in charge of two tramatised kids. No help. It was hell on earth and eight years later, I'm recovering. He could be the charmer with other people, always lied about how much he did with the kids too. I know everyone with ADHD is not like this, but having read forums online, it is not uncommon. Other conditions often develop alongside ADHD, especially conduct disorder. I hope the medication works for your DP. A good book to get: Is it you, me, or ADHD? Good luck.

Thank you. He's lovely 95% of the time, he's a really good dad, a really great husband and he's thoughtful and sweet. His adhd was never an obstacle to me, his chaotic nature was all part of who he was, this really unique man who I absolutely adored. Still do. I'm just cross with this type of behaviour and then if I ever confront him on it, he'll tell me he's being told off constantly by me, all day every day and he can never get away from it, his only escape is work. He absolutely breaks my heart when he says things like that, he makes me feel utterly worthless. What's worse is that I know they aren't true, I know he's happy most of the time, but one thing goes wrong and he considers his whole life to be shit. One day that I am cross with him renders me a nagging wife who he can't think why he's with. One less than pleasant exchange with our children means they obviously hate him. One crap day at work means the whole job is shit and he spends the next few days moodily browsing job sites

He is certainly not as bad as mine was, thank goodness. He sounds nice.
Your DP will probably do very well on medication. It's not a magic bullet, but smooths things out.
Hopefully, it will put an end to the hellish car trips.
The NHS best practice is to provide counseling alongside medication, mine didn't get that even though ADHD diagnosed as moderate to severe. No money set aside for this.

Just re-read your reply. Mine would exaggerate too, often in a weird way.
For example, I said (gently) that the food he cooked had a bit too much salt. He said shall I throw the salt in the bin?
So many things. Apparently, it's that they can't take criticism as it reminds them of all the past failures.
It's often a more serious condition than people assume.
Sounds stressful and frustrating for you.

It sounds very much like poor impulse control when anxious, along with catastrophising when anything, no matter how small, goes wrong. Both of which may be improved by some form of counselling, perhaps CBT to learn tools that stop the thoughts he is having leading to the horrible behaviours. It's great to hear that he's great most of the time and has lovely qualities, it means you don't need to find the non-existant cure for being a pure arsehole!

He did indeed storm off, did his usual catastrophic thinking thing when I pulled him up on his attitude- he's miserable, his whole life is miserable, the only place he can escape is work, etc etc, when I know damn well that the second something goes wrong at work or he feels even a hint of humiliation, he hates it, has never liked it, it's like a prison for him and he's utterly miserable, right to his core and how am I so blind to that. Until he's over it and appreciates his job again. So too it seems for me. But I told him yesterday that his saying that he lives a life of abject misery with a wife who does nothing but add to that is not only unfair and untrue, it's deeply hurtful. And then I left him upstairs. I messaged him to say that our relationship exists differently outside of the state he's gotten himself into and I am not happy with continually being made to feel as if I've failed him completely when he can't cope with something. Nor am I going to be blamed for his own difficulty with his emotions, it's cruel and I don't deserve it. He doesn't like it when I say these sorts of things, apparently I am "attacking him", so I messaged instead.

I later messaged him to ask if he wanted to watch a film and said I would give him an hour to respond to that, then I wouldn't continue to wait and would just get on with my evening. He didn't respond. I made dinner, like I always do. I gave his to him silently. I left him completely alone. He disappeared out to the shop and came back with a box full of Prosecco and raspberry lemonade for me, which he left on the worktop for me to find. My husband's inability to humble himself to say the word "sorry" seems to be a family thing for him, because his dad wouldn't say it if it was to save his own life. So instead of saying it, he'll get me something. But he will also continue to sulk. He stayed up until 5am playing minecraft. Today he hasn't even come downstairs yet.

I'm supposed to just swallow this down the second he feels like he's done with his tantrum. Because if I don't, and if I express my own upset when he's done with it, I'm "refusing" to drop it and he'll sulk even longer and start saying things like "I should get a job where I'm away for weeks at a time and then maybe the house would be a happier place."

Maybe you should agree with him.

I don't think all of this is his adhd. It's not a get out clause for being an abusive arsehole. Think about it, you say he's a good dad. If he's such a good dad, then why would he scare the shit out of everyone with his driving and be passive aggressive with your 6 year old?

Fucking hate neuro diversity being used as excuse for being an utter cunt.

He just makes it so difficult to talk to him when he's like this. I tried to start a conversation with him about the Queen having Covid, since he sent me a link to a news article about it, and he stared at me like I was mad and said, "Ok, I can't do anything about any of this. What are you expecting?"

A conversation???

I mentioned that our son's bed needed dismantling to go in the skip before this coming weekend and he stalked off to do it saying he knew when he'd been given his orders! He's being a wanker

He sounds abusive to me and a horrible husband and father.
ADHD is not an excuse to be a cunt.