Adhd husband

[TheCountessOfGrantham]

Hi,

Can someone please explain something to me, because I'm getting so pissed off with this and I might be a bit less frustrated if I understood better. Either it's because of his ADHD or because he's an arse and I would like to know which.

When he does something that inconveniences people, he's angry at them! And he's always pulling people up on things that he's even more guilty of.

This morning is a perfect example. We're going on a day trip for our DS birthday. Made sure there was double the amount of time actually needed in order to get ready. DH snarls at the kids for leaving cups and plates in their rooms when his own cups and plates are piled on his side of our bed. DH berates them for not getting dressed by half 8 while he is still strolling about in his pj bottoms. Then, when the time comes to leave for the trip, DH has lost the keycard for the car. I was careful not to make him feel stupid or bad because of it. I simply said, "ok, don't worry, we'll find it, it can't be far." The kids were a bit worried because he'd been snapping at them all morning that we MUST LEAVE AT a certain time or we would miss everything.

Dh flapped and fussed and half heartedly checked a few pockets. I found it under the sofa where he flung his coat, cheerfully announced "ah, here it is" and he snatched it off me, stormed out to the car, face like a slapped arse and is now driving ridiculously, as usual, right up the arses of other cars at 80mph on the motorway. The kids are now feeling uneasy and tense and he's driving, jaw set, ignoring people when they speak to him.

He ALWAYS does this when he's in a mood in the car and he knows 100% it frightens me and makes me anxious for the kids, but it's like he needs to prove he's capable or the best driver on the road or something. I think he's an aggressive and risky driver anyway, even when in a perfectly cheerful mood.

He'll be like this now for about half an hour and then he'll start talking about something utterly random and will be happy again. But I'm so frustrated by this!! I'm so tired of this repeat, over and over and I'm so cross with him putting everyone in danger! He literally just had to slam the brakes on because another driver was clearly not putting up with his aggressive driving, I've shouted in fear "what the fuck are you doing??" And now he's driving bang on 70, literally gritting his teeth and will probably ignore me for hours now because I shouted at him.

I know everyone with ADHD is not like this, but having read forums online, it is not uncommon.

Yes my experience with ADHD (husband and son) is partly similar to yours. I agree with the other poster who said their anger is projected frustration at themselves. Which must be horrible for them. But is also horrible for us. There's no right answer here.

You will get people who are "wow, let's just make out this is neuro diverse people are all aresholes" which is unhelpful, pointless and not what you're saying.

You will get people who will say this is allllll down to his ADHD.

My honest opinion is that you have arseholes. You have neuro diverse people. The two are not mutually exclusive, nor 100% associated. On the Venn diagram where they overlap is where I would put your DH.

He has poor coping strategies, for his unpleasant demeanor. The first is ADHD. The latter isn't.

I have adhd and no I'm nothing like this. I'm the kindest person you'd meet. Your partner is an arsehole who happens to have adhd.

Oh God I’m feeling panicky just reading it ! You poor thing. He has you trained into managing his moods, I know because I live like that too. Running around finding things in order to keep the peace, replacing lost items before it’s discovered… it’s exhausting. I don’t know what label is on it but that car journey was abusive. You will end up depressed yourself if this continues. I’m so sorry you have to live like this.

I would not give a fuck about his diagnosis. This man is a world class cunt and a classic abuser.

@Isntisironic1

I don’t think it’s adhd he’s suffering from it sounds more narcissistic. They like to ruin other people’s special occasions because the focus isn’t on them

With the greatest of respect, genuinely, please read up on what true narcissism is.

I'm the child of a person who is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and the overuse of the term narcissism is really upsetting.

I don't expect people who have not lived with it to fully understand what it's like and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. True narcissism is cruel and so abusive, the damage it causes but I would love for people to have enough of an understanding not to bandy it about just because it's the diagnosis of choice at the minute.

I promise that I'm not getting at you, 💐

it's just a hope that someone might read this and think twice or read up on it to begin to get some understanding.

He's an arse

@Opaljewel

I have adhd and no I'm nothing like this. I'm the kindest person you'd meet. Your partner is an arsehole who happens to have adhd.

I have ADHD too and I am not like that, either. I hate it when people use it as a catch-all get out of jail free card. I do the opposite and try to ensure nobody knows I have it, unless I've chosen to share that with them.

your husband*

Speaking as another ADHDer, the question of whether and how his behaviour is linked to ADHD is irrelevant.

The only relevant question is this. Do you want a life where you and your children are terrorised, injured or killed by your husband's unsafe driving? Are you happy to tolerate passive-aggressive put-downs, silent treatment, and sulks?

Could Mumsnet please message me and tell me why my last post was deleted?

@bhooks Rejection Sensitivity Disorder, that’s the one. I’d never heard of it but it’s a very real thing and there is simply no reasoning with someone when they are in the midst of an episode. They’re not being difficult they simply can’t register how anyone else might feel. It can be triggered by something so insignificant to an NT person but to them it’s earth shattering until they calm down.

I agree with other posters though that putting your family in danger is not acceptable whatever the reason. As an adult he has to recognise that he possibly suffers from this and learn ways to mitigate his behaviour, the alternative is to let it happen and that is unacceptable.

Tbh @TheCountessOfGrantham I’ve just reread the op. You say you think he’s normally and aggressive and risk taking driver so I also think you are in the wrong for accepting this as a norm. If he’s bad when he’s not in a mood why on earth would you let him drive you and your children anywhere?

I’ve told DH to get a referral for ADHD and I’m divorcing him if it turns out he’s just a feckless arsehole.

ADHD or. Or he is reckless and abusive to you and the DC.