Adhd husband

[TheCountessOfGrantham]

Hi,

Can someone please explain something to me, because I'm getting so pissed off with this and I might be a bit less frustrated if I understood better. Either it's because of his ADHD or because he's an arse and I would like to know which.

When he does something that inconveniences people, he's angry at them! And he's always pulling people up on things that he's even more guilty of.

This morning is a perfect example. We're going on a day trip for our DS birthday. Made sure there was double the amount of time actually needed in order to get ready. DH snarls at the kids for leaving cups and plates in their rooms when his own cups and plates are piled on his side of our bed. DH berates them for not getting dressed by half 8 while he is still strolling about in his pj bottoms. Then, when the time comes to leave for the trip, DH has lost the keycard for the car. I was careful not to make him feel stupid or bad because of it. I simply said, "ok, don't worry, we'll find it, it can't be far." The kids were a bit worried because he'd been snapping at them all morning that we MUST LEAVE AT a certain time or we would miss everything.

Dh flapped and fussed and half heartedly checked a few pockets. I found it under the sofa where he flung his coat, cheerfully announced "ah, here it is" and he snatched it off me, stormed out to the car, face like a slapped arse and is now driving ridiculously, as usual, right up the arses of other cars at 80mph on the motorway. The kids are now feeling uneasy and tense and he's driving, jaw set, ignoring people when they speak to him.

He ALWAYS does this when he's in a mood in the car and he knows 100% it frightens me and makes me anxious for the kids, but it's like he needs to prove he's capable or the best driver on the road or something. I think he's an aggressive and risky driver anyway, even when in a perfectly cheerful mood.

He'll be like this now for about half an hour and then he'll start talking about something utterly random and will be happy again. But I'm so frustrated by this!! I'm so tired of this repeat, over and over and I'm so cross with him putting everyone in danger! He literally just had to slam the brakes on because another driver was clearly not putting up with his aggressive driving, I've shouted in fear "what the fuck are you doing??" And now he's driving bang on 70, literally gritting his teeth and will probably ignore me for hours now because I shouted at him.

I sympathise! I went through something similar with my DH before his ADHD diagnosis.
He was depressed and abusive, sometimes driving erratically and with a complete inability to say 'sorry'.

The magic bullet was the diagnosis then counselling with a specialised counsellor and he's like a different person now.

She helped raise his self esteem and put things in perspective. Medication wasn't recommended for him.

I also came to understand his behaviour better and helped him find coping strategies like getting everything ready the night before and always putting things back in their place.

DH has also started practicing yoga regularly and doing more to see his friends, which helps.
We are still trying to work out when the dopamine dips and his ADHD behaviour ramps up, and what he can do to calm it down, but now he doesn't go into denial when I point out how he's behaving. He isn't abusive now, I think that was more to do with depression, denial and low self esteem.

But, this all came after I'd virtually packed my bags and said I was leaving because his behaviour was so verbally abusive.

ADHD is no excuse for any of that and if he's not willing to address it then you and the kids shouldn't put up with abusive behaviour and (I don't say this lightly) need to seriously think about divorce before he drags you down.

Hello Everyone!

We've decided to move this thread to relationships as it seems like a better fit as this board was created by other MNetters "primarily for the use of Neurodiverse Mumsnetters."

Best,
MNHQ

The driving thing can absolutely be related to his ADHD. My ex had diagnosed ADHD and his therapist asked him about his driving, saying that it's quite common amongst those with the condition to drive erratically and dangerously.

There were many many times where I thought I was going to die in the car. I absolutely empathise with how horrible it is - I found the only way to deal with it was to not say anything in the moment. It was impossible to reason with him and my reaction only made it worse, so once he'd calmed down, then I would explain how scared I was and he would realise what he'd done and be remorseful.

He was like this about many things, including the constantly losing things thing, and it made me feel constantly on edge. He also had anxiety and I think the combination was too much for him – and anyone around him – to handle at times.

The medication helped him a lot and he became much calmer due to being able to focus on things better and his anxiety decreased because he felt like he could achieve things without getting flustered.

We're no longer together, but to be honest I'm glad that I don't have to tiptoe around him and his moods. I understand how difficult it can be to be with someone with ADHD, but they also have to understand how the condition affects their daily lives and they have to be willing to try to tackle the effects head on.

I hope that the medication will help him – and you.

@ofwarren

I've no advice as I'm autistic not ADHD but it sounds like a stress response to me. I know that if I can't find things, I can go into a real panic. Things get too bright, my vision goes into slow motion and I'm close to meltdown.

I'll not comment further though and hopefully some people with ADHD will be along soon to explain more.

I am like you. I have ADHD, not diagnosed autistic, but I go into a flat spin, panic and so on when I can't find something crucial - eg keys when I'm trying to leave the house to go to work, inhaler (I'm asthmatic), phone. I get into a total funk too when things go wrong in the house - eg Sky going down, internet, cooker not working, phone, especially if I know I can't fix it myself. Trying to calm down with it but it is not easy! I hate this about myself. I feel stupid.

I also can't stand anything extraneous when I'm trying to deal with any of the aforesaid scenarios. The cat meowing drives me insane, for instance.

Hmm, I have ADHD and I don’t behave like that to my loved ones.

Disorganised and late and losing things.. yes. Snapping and irritable in the moment when panicking… yes.

But then I say sorry, really quickly, I wouldn’t keep it up or make it anyone else’s problem, i know it’s mine.

The driving thing.. well, I have been told I drive like an old lady. I keep both hands on the wheel in the “10 to 2” position I was taught to drive in and take it all very slowly and very seriously. I thought this was down to having ADHD and the effort it takes to concentrate, but maybe not!

I hope things have settled down Op. I wouldn't let him drive my kids that's for sure.

To fuck with his ADHD. He is an abusive, controlling, dangerous bully, and you do not have to live like this. Nothing about his behaviour is even remotely acceptable. Get rid of him and provide your children with a calm, stable household.

@BananaPlants

Hmm, I have ADHD and I don’t behave like that to my loved ones.

Disorganised and late and losing things.. yes. Snapping and irritable in the moment when panicking… yes.

But then I say sorry, really quickly, I wouldn’t keep it up or make it anyone else’s problem, i know it’s mine.

The driving thing.. well, I have been told I drive like an old lady. I keep both hands on the wheel in the “10 to 2” position I was taught to drive in and take it all very slowly and very seriously. I thought this was down to having ADHD and the effort it takes to concentrate, but maybe not!

Recognise all of that. I could have written it myself.

I can't find places without a satnav that I haven't been to before. Also I get a route so engrained in my neural pathways (eg journey to work) that if I go somewhere that starts off on the same route, I automatically start driving to work. My ex shrieked at me in the car when I did this, though it was very simple to remedy by taking a right turn.

I don't drive like an old lady, but I don't remember routes I have only been to once or twice a few months previously, unless it's a regular drive. Same with walking to places, too.

His adhd is irrelevant

He’s abusive and he’s scaring your children; none of you have to put up with this behaviour

One of my (adult) kids has extreme ADHD but doesn’t act like this. In fact being in a car with them is unbearable because they go so slowly and are way too cautious (yes, that’s a thing). They do get angsty if we or siblings they are going out with are dragging the chain and they believe will make them late, BUT they will have been ready a good hour in advance, sitting and waiting. They are effectively medicated though and have been for nearly two decades so maybe that’s the difference? They also don’t act like a mean arsehole as you are describing.

@Toloveandtowork . Your post was very interesting to me. I left my ex for exactly the same sort of behaviour. He was diagnosed with depression/anxiety. Our adult son is being diagnosed with ADHD but I now wonder if his dad also has it .

He might have ADHD but he's also a pathetic man child with a fragile ego. I would set out your boundaries. I wouldn't ever share a car with him ever again if he drove like that out of anger. Explain to him that this behaviour will have consequences - and then stick to it.

This is such a fucked up post. You bit back at an early poster who pointed out his behaviour is abusive which is nothing to do with his ADHD.
And another poster saying the driving like a maniac can be linked to ADHD - not when you are driving to deliberately frighten someone...again that is abusive.

Stop letting him behave this way and stop looking for an excuse for his behaviour. He is abusive why did you take him his food? You're treating him like a badly behaved child not an adult. He terrified your children - this is so far from ok.

And tell him he only needs to crash once for you all to be dead.

@SunnySideDownBriefly

This is such a fucked up post. You bit back at an early poster who pointed out his behaviour is abusive which is nothing to do with his ADHD. And another poster saying the driving like a maniac can be linked to ADHD - not when you are driving to deliberately frighten someone...again that is abusive.

Stop letting him behave this way and stop looking for an excuse for his behaviour. He is abusive why did you take him his food? You're treating him like a badly behaved child not an adult. He terrified your children - this is so far from ok.

I agree. Although his behaviour is not your fault. You’re not ‘letting’ him treat you like this. He’s abusing you, he’s not giving you a choice.

I think you need to separate the ADHD out from everything else that’s going on here.

The problem isn’t that he has ADHD, that’s incidental. The problem is that he’s abusive.

The way you describe him driving and terrifying the kids - that’s not a good dad. I think you have to tell yourself he’s a good dad because the reality that actually he doesn’t care about your children’s safety is too scary is too scary for you to acknowledge. Once you see him for what he is, you’re going to have to act. I can understand your not being ready yet. But you do need to get your head out of the sand.

I'm sorry, but did you say he put headphones on WHILST DRIVING?
Whether it's related to ADHD or not, you must put the safety of yourself and your children first. Please don't get in a car with him again.

Can he see how ridiculous he's being, blaming the kids for doing things he does? Have you ever asked him about that?

And how organised is he? It would help if he got everything ready for a day out the night before so he didn't have to rush in the morning or find his car keys... have you discussed that?

But the over-reaction and the aggressive driving - I HATE that. He could kill your and the dc, and I don't think that can be explained by ADHD.

He sounds aggressive and abusive. Do you think it's possible for him to change? If not, what do you plan to do? It sounds exhausting, and awful for your dc.

I've just read the rest of your threads. Why did you try to make up with him? Why bring him food when he had treated you so badly all day? Why did you want to watch a film with him?

You need to work out what is ADHD and what is just abusive, because to me he just sounds abusive, sulky, manipulative and angry, with no self awareness or remorse. Your poor dc.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. It must be something because you're still together. What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you when growing up?.

What are your children going to remember about their childhoods with you two as their parents?. ADHD as well is not an excuse here for him to be acting abusively towards you and in turn your children who are picking up on all this as well.

I would think they would not say their dad is lovely 95% (and how did you arrive at such a figure?) of the time. It is likely they will leave home sooner rather than later and not want to go back to visit the parental home often if at all. Your own relationship with your kids could be damaged as a result because they are seeing you as, in their eyes, putting him before them.

No husband with adhd here but an adult daughter. The bit that really rings a bell is the anger and getting really wound up usually over nothing important resulting in her usually saying some incredibly hurtful things then 10 minutes later it’s like it never happened and she’s absolutely fine whilst we are still reeling.

Having done an awful lot of reading it appears that many people with adhd suffer from an emotional disorder which means things that you or i wouldn’t give a second thought to, take on huge significance.

It’s hard to live with and I definitely don’t think the driving like a dickhead is acceptable but it helps me to know she’s not behaving like this because it’s making her happy, it really isn’t but once she’s in that mood there is literally nothing she can do to stop it running it’s course.

Sounds dreadful OP. Only you know what to do. But I would never get in a car with someone who drives like that.

ND family which includes ADHD:

Sounds like ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (which is often part of ADHD) and combined with being an arse. Some of the being arse may be from dodgy coping strategies - or a complete lack of them - with the ADHD and the RSD. He needs to recognise that and adjust so he stops being an arse.

I would also say that when someone is in an ADHD state of heightened tension, that often trying to engage them is futile until their heightened emotional state has evened out a bit. (Like it can be best not to engage with someone having an obvious meltdown until the meltdown is truly over). ADHD is not a uniform thing. Everyone with it has their own personality and history as well. So it will manifest differently for each person

But most importantly though, arsehole behaviour is arsehole behaviour that shouldn't be excused no matter what possible reasons there might be for it. And your husband was being a complete and utter arsehole.

@BananaPlants

Hmm, I have ADHD and I don’t behave like that to my loved ones.

Disorganised and late and losing things.. yes. Snapping and irritable in the moment when panicking… yes.

But then I say sorry, really quickly, I wouldn’t keep it up or make it anyone else’s problem, i know it’s mine.

The driving thing.. well, I have been told I drive like an old lady. I keep both hands on the wheel in the “10 to 2” position I was taught to drive in and take it all very slowly and very seriously. I thought this was down to having ADHD and the effort it takes to concentrate, but maybe not!

This is similar to me. I can get in a flap when I can't find things and I am running late (always!) so I have put strategies in place to find things. I also apologise excessively if I think I have been an arse.

The 'punishment driving' is horrifying though. Reminds me of my dad and sends me right back into a memory of hollow stomached fear. Whatever his struggles, he must realise that he can't put you, the kids and other drivers in danger.

He should get himself into therapy asap if he cares about you and the children at all

Well.

When he does something that inconveniences people, he's angry at them! And he's always pulling people up on things that he's even more guilty of.

I think this is really common. It's shame. People project. They get stressed by their own mistakes and stress causes them to lash out. It is also easy to recognise your own bad and annoying habits in other people - which causes you to see how annoying and inefficient those habits really are, which makes you feel shame, which you cover up by pretending to be super-efficient and in control, so telling other people off for the bad habits you share.

This can be a positive process; experiencing your own bad habits coming back at you, can motivate change in yourself. It can also prompt sympathetic, constructive parenting; 'I know how easy it is to do this but it doesn't work well, so let's identify some steps we can put in place to manage things better'. That requires self-awareness, a bit of humility and distance from the moment.

The rest of it though, he sounds like a nasty arse. You need to set some really firm boundaries and stick to them. e.g. You and the children will not travel in the car with him when he's driving aggressively. (He's a bully, bullying other road users, you and the DC. Bullying is always born from inadequacy; inability to articulate, process and express emotions in acceptable, constructive ways. A form of immaturity).

If he's in a bad mood before you set out, you drive. Why not make yourself the default driver? Why is he? (I know this one, he's a horrible back-seat driver and you find it stressful). If he strops, you leave him at home. If he starts the aggression on a journey, you instruct him to stop, he gets out, you drive and you tell the people you're going to visit what happened. Do not keep his nasty, shameful secrets for him. To do so is to be complicit in your own abuse.

I think, though don't know, that difficulty taking criticism (even constructive criticism) is a common part of some ND conditions. Not sure about ADHD.

That doesn't excuse bad reactions in a 'mature' adult though. He needs to have learned how to manage his own emotions by now. You and the DC are not his emotional punch bag.

And yes, why are you always trying to make it up with him? Your behaviour reinforces the idea that you've done something wrong, he was right to punish you and you need to offer the olive branch and plead with him to re-join you in a happy, soothing activity.

He needs to learn to apologise.

If he'd rather sulk his life away that's his loss. Leave him to it. Maybe he'll eventually sulk his way out of your lives.