Husband's mental health / anger problems

[CantSleep88]

I have posted before about DH and am currently in the process of trying to leave although struggling to get very far with Refuge, Women's Aid and local housing association. My midwife has just suggested I contact the above (I am currently almost 23 weeks pregnant).

In the last week he has been going through a "nice" phase, bought me flowers for the second time in almost 17 years etc. However I am getting really worried about his mental health, he tells me he is suicidal and depressed but if I advise him to seek professional help he says he is not going to do that and then turns it on me and says he doesn't need counselling, he needs love and support from me which makes me feel that his moods are all my fault. He is prone to angry outbursts, currently he snaps at a cat we rescued from Cats Protection a little while ago (he is also annoyed about this and says we should never have adopted him although it was his suggestion and I said numerous times if he was not 100% to just say and we wouldn't proceed). Last night the cat was playing with his feet when he was sat on the sofa, and he snapped "I'm going to snap your neck in a minute you little fucker". He gets annoyed when cat plays with his laces, for example, and will say things like "stupid fucking cat, I fucking hate him". It makes me really uncomfortable and on edge and last night I did say I didn't like it and he said he's not mentally well. I have realised I feel anxious if I hear cat meowing in night not because I worry he will wake DS but because I worry how DH will react.

What do I do, I feel so stressed and cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy because I feel like I am trying to carry him too and I just don't have the mental capacity. I feel like a rubbish wife not supporting him, and I'm frightened if I do successfully leave that he will commit suicide and I will never be able to overcome it. I just feel so helpless.

Sorry if this is jumbled, sleep deprived.

Bless you, I have been/am still to some degree in a similar situation, and really understand how you feel.

You have done your best trying to reach out for support, but it's like you get a certain sympathy but nothing concrete to actually help, I know.

You have two main choices. Either stick with him and make a concerted effort to get him to the doctor, whatever it takes.

Or part ways with him. In terms of what he would do if you did this, it's highly likely he'd fall into some kind of slump, and still want your attention.

I kind of feel that whether you live with him or not, the doctor is key here. People say oh leave him, but you'll still have to deal with him.

Ask him one more time to come to the doctor with your support. If he won't, you just go and explain it all to the doctor. You yourself need strong support for dealing with his MH issue.

Make an appointment or have a phone call ASAP.

As for the poor cat - I'm afraid you really should consider rehoming it. It's an upsetting fact to accept, but your DH isn't in a fit state to be around vulnerable animals. Maybe you know someone who'd have the cat, or take it back to the Protection League. I know it would most likely be upsetting for your son. There are grounds for you telling a white lie to save everyone the misery of the real reason the cat has to go back. Eg that the GP advised better not to have a young cat around pregnant women (which is actually true). There's nothing to be gained by reproaching your DH over it, and that could stir him up, so invent a plausible, non-inflammatory reason.

At the moment, as I'm sure you sadly know, you can't expect normal, supportive behaviour from him. Keep things low-key and in a holding pattern. Avoid confrontation (I know this can be hard as you don't always know what will set him off). Go to the GP and insist on a plan from her/him as to how to get treatment for your DH.

I can't say his sorry I am that you've got this to deal with when your in the middle of your pregnancy. I really hope you have a good GP. And you're not alone at all Xx

So sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like my ex. I stayed for a long time, and then after I left I still stayed around and tried to help because I was worried about him. Tried and tried and tried and tried.

Sometimes I would read advice to other people like “oh he’s just abusive, abuse is not the same as mental illness” and I’d think oh but no! Mine really is mentally ill, he really does have problems, I love him, he needs me, I would be so so cruel and heartless if I just left him to suffer, even if it’s breaking me he can’t help it because he’s ill.

He was ill. He was also abusive. And he wasn’t really interested in trying to help himself. It seems odd to say “he liked his life the way it was” because he certainly wasn’t happy, but he was very comfortable with the setup where he either flopped around helplessly and I had to help, or he raged and hurt me and wrecked stuff and I had to help, or he did other things to ruin our lives because he “couldn’t face” anything he was responsible for, and again, I had to help. And because I could not fix it all for him - nobody ever could - he could then also rage/cry/sulk at me for not helping him.

I only left when he had made my life so miserable I couldn’t see any way I could stay and mentally survive. (We didn’t have DC.) He was awful in the short term after I left - which is why I stayed around, I thought he’d kill himself, I hated seeing him in pain and blamed myself - but it didn’t help him and it certainly didn’t help me.

In the end I moved away and cut him off completely as much as I could. I felt terrible, but the situation was destroying me. And then from what I can tell he sulked for a while, ruined a few friendships, ended up homeless for a time, phoned me blaming me for it al - and then I STILL didn’t go running back to him - and then he actually went and got help from doctors. I’m not in touch with him now but from what I heard last from others, he’s in a much much better place, settled, happy, under long-term treatment for mental illness. I am very sure that if I’d stayed, he would not be doing well and neither would I.

I can’t tell you what to do but I know how hard it is to cope when you think “sure he’s destroying me but he’s ill I must help him!” I was trapped there for a long time and it was awful, and I’d you’d told me at the time “you can’t help him, you aren’t helping him, just leave” I would have ignored you. But I wish I had left sooner.

His mental health is not your responsibility.
If he threatens suicide as an attempt to keep you, you ignore it.
You need to get the cat out of his way ( it needs to be somewhere safe and that’s not with him ) and you need to get away.

Well, he's got you where he wants you, hasn't he? He gets to do whatever vile shit he likes and somehow it's your fault. It's manipulative. Leave him.

You need help and support to leave. I really hope you get it. You say you’re not getting anywhere with the organisations you mention but then say you’ve been advised to contact them? I don’t know what the state of these services are like at the moment, are you struggling to get through?

Please keep talking to your midwife. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to?

I think it’s likely he is not suicidal but using the threat of it as manipulation to make you stay.

I personally would be worried about how he will treat the tiny vulnerable baby when he/she cries uncontrollably ( as most do). If he gets angry with a cat who is playing with his shoelaces.
I worked in mental health. He needs to be assessed immediately if he is a harm to himself or others.
If he tells you he is suicidal I would call your local number ( I live in USA) so do not know what your Mental Health Hot Line is..and inform them immediately. They have a duty to protect him from himself.
preventsuicide.appstate.edu/pagesmith/16
I am so sorry this is happening to you. God Bless you

His mental health is not your responsibility. Your coming child's and your own however, is. You can't bring a child into this OP.

This is a tough one. Is he depressed/ struggling with severe mental health issues? Is he abusive? Is it a mix of both? Either way it is not a healthy environment for a child, a pet, for you (a pregnant woman) and soon a newborn.

Is the DS and the baby his? Because another consideration in this is him seeking contact with them if you split. And that does need to be thought about. Sadly based on his behaviour I would be surprised if DS isnt his and the baby is (these behaviours can escalate once a partner is pregnant / married etc).

It’s good you’ve told a professional. I would also make an appt with your GP and tell them what you have told us. GP records are key evidence/ proof for family courts if required.

The verbal abuse against the cat is worrying and I should warn you that violence against pets is a warning indicator that abuse/ the situation is escalating. Maybe someone who knows more about mental health issue can tell me of what he did is an indicator/ common amongst people with MH issues. Which helps to rule out how much of this is abuse/ vs genuine mental health.

I would seriously consider rehoming the cat and telling them the truth (don’t lie). There are children involved in this.

The main question. Do you feel safe? Have you ever felt unsafe or genuinely worried for yourself, your cat, your DS?

Sorry but your DP is not your priority right now. He’s an adult and you have two defenceless things reliant on you whilst being pregnant yourself. If he gets annoyed by a cat meowing, how on earth will he cope with a newborn crying at all hours in the night?

Handhold. There are plenty of more knowledgable people who will be here to advise and guide you. The most important factor is your safety, that of your DS and the kitty

I have to reiterate you are not in anyway responsible for him. He is an adult who could choose to seek help and support for his mental health issues. And that is a path he needs to take if he wants to keep his family together. If he refuses, he is not giving you any choice.

I am sorry but it sounds like he is a danger to you and to others.

You need to put yourself first. The reality is you should not be around him.

@Sassbott I absolutely agree.
I recommended calling ( I don't know who she should call) where I live we have Rescue Division.
He would be picked up ( Thus taken out of home as long as needed) Assessed and put on medication. If he refuses medication then his Mental Health will not get better. Absolutely she needs to put a plan in place to keep her and DS safe. Number one concern is her and DS at this point. It is his responsibility to address his issues.

OP I just found and read your other thread. You know you need to leave. You know this is damaging to you, your son and your unborn child. I can see you’re posting for reassurance so yes it is as bad as you think, you’re not overreacting or going mad, he is abusive and controlling, the threats of suicide are part of this and not your concern. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children and now it’s time to leave.

Hold on to your truth here. You can do this, one bit at a time. It’s taken courage to post here and face this so hold on to that. Keep posting, keep going, keep asking for support.

Mental health these days
Is used to excuse abuse
& poor behaviour

His mental health is his responsibility. It's not up to you (or even possible) to love him enough to make him better.

Someone said above It seems odd to say “he liked his life the way it was” because he certainly wasn’t happy, but he was very comfortable with the setup. People revert to patterns they know. It's very uncomfortable to change our of lifelong patterns even if that change is good for you. You can only change if you make a conscious effort and have the support from appropriate people eg counsellors etc who work with you to keep moving forward. That takes a lot of work and won't be achieved by a spouse "loving them more".

He has no interest in seeking help. The fact he is putting all this on you and saying he needs "support" from you is highly manipulative. It is designed to guilt you into staying. If he really wanted to get better he would seek help!

The threats towards the cat are also another way of manipulating you. They are designed to send you a message that HE is in charge, and he will use physical violence towards anything that isn't behaving to his liking.

For the sake of your child, you absolutely must get out now. However you can. This man is a danger to you and your child.

I left my mentally ill exDH when I realised that I didn't care if he killed himself. I knew me staying meant me wishing it on him, which is a bad place to be.

He is abusing you and he doesn't love you, you can't save him by sacrificing yourself.
Plan your escape.

Btw, my ex didn't kill himself. He found someone else to beat up (physically and emotionally) and rape.

Abusers commonly make those threats. It is a way to keep control of their victim, i.e. you.

Why can't you get a refuge place? Do they know you're living with someone making threats to kill animals? Does your midwife know?

Have you been risk assessed? Because that is an aspect that would raise concern.

However I am getting really worried about his mental health, he tells me he is suicidal and depressed but if I advise him to seek professional help he says he is not going to do that and then turns it on me and says he doesn't need counselling, he needs love and support from me which makes me feel that his moods are all my fault.

Congratulations OP - your instinct is sound & you have nailed it in one - he has actively worked to make YOU feel responsible for HIS temper.

Also - mental health, my arse.
If he was genuinely depressed & suicidal, he would be taking steps to address it. He doesn't want to do that, because it's SO much more fun taking out his anger issues on his wife, then blaming her for his behaviour.

You really need to stop feeling guilty.
Even if he were genuinely ill (he isn't) - it's still not your responsibility to make him feel better. That's up to him.

Your husband is an angry & controlling man, & you need to focus on chasing up Refuge etc, & think only of yourself & your DC right now.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The cat needs to go back to the rescue, it's not safe in your home. Nor are you or your child.

I kind of feel that whether you live with him or not, the doctor is key here. People say oh leave him, but you'll still have to deal with him.

Ask him one more time to come to the doctor with your support. If he won't, you just go and explain it all to the doctor. You yourself need strong support for dealing with his MH issue.

Make an appointment or have a phone call ASAP.

WTF have I just read?
OP is so desperate to leave this highly abusive arsehole that she's ringing round Refuge etc - & you reckon what she needs to do is PANDER to him, @PerditaPerdita?

If he needs help - it is up to him to get it.
OP has no time to be taking a grown man to the GP ffs.
As for "you'll still have to deal with him" when OP leaves him - what bullshit is this? He, & his horrible anger, ARE NOT OP's RESPONSIBILITY.

She's already been expertly manipulated by her H into feeling guilty for HIS behaviour & horrible temper. I can't believe you advised her to take on even more of his shit.

NHS mental health services have quite narrow criteria of what fits with their definition of ‘mental illness’ and most things don’t fall within this.
90% of referrals from GP will be assessed and bounced straight back to primary care. Even suicidal ideation doesn’t mean access to a CPN/CCO.

This is especially tricky when symptoms are more in the range of emotional dysregulation/poor problem solving/poor distress tolerance/interpersonal and communication issues which is often what men like him are experiencing when they talk about poor mental health. So I expect you’re hoping for support/help for him that just doesn’t really exist.

That doesn’t mean that there isn’t self help available. He could benefit from learning stress mgmt skills, psychoeducation around links between his thoughts, feelings and behaviours, identitying triggers and using more helpful coping strategies etc.
He could self refer to your local IAPT service for the above.

The issue is though that he won’t, because that would mean taking responsibility for himself when he would rather dump all of that on you.

You CANNOT fix him and you’re not responsible for his happiness. You really do need to get yourself and child and cat away from him asap, THAT should be your only focus, not help for him. He can deal with that.

Please put the vulnerable ones first. The cat has to go back to cats protection before he loses his temper and kills it. It deserves to be protected.

His moods are a warning. If you or one of dc or the new baby (once it’s here) step over his imaginary line you are in danger.

Please go back to the organisations you are liaising with and tell them things are ramping up and you no longer feel safe.

I hope you get away from him soon.
And his threats of suicide are not your problem. Although I wouldn’t antagonise him by telling him that as he appears unpredictable.

He's threatening suicide to pull on your heart strings but the main thing here is your not happy you see him for what he is and should you stay because he will kill himself if you don't? That's a cruel position to be put in and is an even further level of his control over you.
Leave safely as soon as you can and take the poor cat with you, you deserve happiness.

Please get the cat out of the house first, he is most likely to harm the cat before he escalates to humans. Tell Cats Protection that he has had a mental health episode and the cat isn't safe (or tell them the truth, he is abusive and it was never safe for the cat to be there).

Please make sure the teams you are dealing with know that he has threatened suicide and threatened to harm the cat.

Please leave
Get away some place safe.