Husband's mental health / anger problems

[CantSleep88]

I have posted before about DH and am currently in the process of trying to leave although struggling to get very far with Refuge, Women's Aid and local housing association. My midwife has just suggested I contact the above (I am currently almost 23 weeks pregnant).

In the last week he has been going through a "nice" phase, bought me flowers for the second time in almost 17 years etc. However I am getting really worried about his mental health, he tells me he is suicidal and depressed but if I advise him to seek professional help he says he is not going to do that and then turns it on me and says he doesn't need counselling, he needs love and support from me which makes me feel that his moods are all my fault. He is prone to angry outbursts, currently he snaps at a cat we rescued from Cats Protection a little while ago (he is also annoyed about this and says we should never have adopted him although it was his suggestion and I said numerous times if he was not 100% to just say and we wouldn't proceed). Last night the cat was playing with his feet when he was sat on the sofa, and he snapped "I'm going to snap your neck in a minute you little fucker". He gets annoyed when cat plays with his laces, for example, and will say things like "stupid fucking cat, I fucking hate him". It makes me really uncomfortable and on edge and last night I did say I didn't like it and he said he's not mentally well. I have realised I feel anxious if I hear cat meowing in night not because I worry he will wake DS but because I worry how DH will react.

What do I do, I feel so stressed and cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy because I feel like I am trying to carry him too and I just don't have the mental capacity. I feel like a rubbish wife not supporting him, and I'm frightened if I do successfully leave that he will commit suicide and I will never be able to overcome it. I just feel so helpless.

Sorry if this is jumbled, sleep deprived.

You cannot keep your car your ds and your baby safe
While he is in your house
You ajd dc go
Or he does

Handhold I feel for you 0n this one I’m leaving this year I’ve had enough of the grumpiness the moods anger the snappiness,

Thank you everyone. I will try ringing Women's Aid again. It has taken me numerous attempts to get through in the last couple of weeks which is not a complaint but obviously a sad reflection of people's circumstances at the moment.

I just feel very lost, unloved and unsupported. I don't have many friends, my family were very toxic growing up and still are but obviously at a safer distance now. Everyone thinks DH is a brilliant father and husband, tells me how lucky I am to have him. So I am constantly questioning my perception.

Hi, Mum from my past. Please do whatever you need to get out. He won't get better with age and fatherhood and he won't cope well with the teen years, put it that way. Yes, I know he says the problem is that we all just need to love and understand him more, but needless to say, this isn't a solution for men who kick animals and punch their families.

Don't subject your child to this. Or yourself. He won't learn, men like him never do, and you'll get so sucked into the Borg of Him And His Problems And Need For More Love That Make Him Do This thar you'll disappear. And there's no reward. Just a life given over to his moods and anger. And your child's life too. Maybe even literally.

Everyone thinks DH is a brilliant father and husband, tells me how lucky I am to have him.

Tell them what you've told us.

What @GrendelsGrandma said

Well if he can't cope with a cute cat playing with his shoelaces how on earth will be cope with a new born baby screaming throughout the night?
He should be looking after you and his child not laying this crap at your feet. He sounds incredibly jealous and no doubt will be jealous of the baby.
I too would make plans to either leave or tell him to leave. Tell your family what you have told us.
His behaviour is unacceptable.

@Gardeningcreature

Well if he can't cope with a cute cat playing with his shoelaces how on earth will be cope with a new born baby screaming throughout the night? He should be looking after you and his child not laying this crap at your feet. He sounds incredibly jealous and no doubt will be jealous of the baby. I too would make plans to either leave or tell him to leave. Tell your family what you have told us. His behaviour is unacceptable.

Thank you. My family are aware. My mum wants me to leave but has no space for us to stay at all, and things are a bit strained anyway because of how she treated me growing up. But having said that she is supportive, but I don't tell her much because whenever I do she says she is going to punch DH which isn't particularly helpful. My dad is an alcoholic bully and when I tried to confide in him before Christmas he laughed and said no one sticks at marriages anymore.

@DrSbaitso

Hi, Mum from my past. Please do whatever you need to get out. He won't get better with age and fatherhood and he won't cope well with the teen years, put it that way. Yes, I know he says the problem is that we all just need to love and understand him more, but needless to say, this isn't a solution for men who kick animals and punch their families.

Don't subject your child to this. Or yourself. He won't learn, men like him never do, and you'll get so sucked into the Borg of Him And His Problems And Need For More Love That Make Him Do This thar you'll disappear. And there's no reward. Just a life given over to his moods and anger. And your child's life too. Maybe even literally.

Thank you, this perspective really helped.

He's also not in a fit state to be around pregnant women or babies. Get out of there! Your priority is your child!

I've just read your other thread, he sounds absolutely horrendous and 100% abusive.
It seems he is using his mental health to keep you in check which abusers do.

Getting a cat was just finding another way of making you dependent another reason you can't just leave.

He is a man (possibly with genuine MH issues we won't know) but what he does have is a sense of entitlement that it should be your problem to fix. Some people keep themselves warm by setting everyone else on fire. He will never be happy and he will make damn sure that you won't be happy either.

Call women's aid. Some centres also have online support. I'd also speak to your GP. I know you say your mother doesn't have the space but physical discomfort temporarily can be less damaging then constant emotional turmoil with no end in sight. If you decide to leave and you are worried about your safety, please call 101 and let them know.

Give yourself oxygen before you can give it to others. You need to put your needs first. When you are in a safe, secure, stable position yourself is the time that you could even begin to consider helping him. Don’t let him drowning pull you down too. You are doing the right thing by getting out. You need to feel safe in your own home.

@ChargingBuck

She's already been expertly manipulated by her H into feeling guilty for HIS behaviour & horrible temper. I can't believe you advised her to take on even more of his shit.

I didn't. And note that she's got fxxking nowhere with Refuge etc. And Women's Aid. Massive bannering about saving and helping us, and no actual real help.

The GP can say: this guy is dangerous/abusive. He has to be dealt with. This pregnant woman and this kid need to be protected. He needs treatment. She needs
serious support.

And he will literally be carted off.

Don't be so disrespectful yourself, @ChargingBuck, yo me and my experience.

OP: go to your GP and they have a duty to help you right now. No chats and phone calls and leaflets. Real help.

His actions are not your fault. You are not to blame if he did hurt himself.

Please get away from him. Keep persevering with housing association and refuges. Do you have family you can stay with temporarily? Do you have a social worker?

Call Cats Protection. The cat needs to be rehomed.

Thanks everyone, I am feeling really lonely and down this morning so appreciate your advice.

Went to my in laws yesterday, DH's brother, SIL and their children were there too. I felt this rage rising inside me when DH was playing doting dad, bouncing DS on his knee and tickling him etc.

He was in a horrid mood yesterday, I was washing up whilst he was supposed to do DS' bath (I have to supervise DS while the bath runs so DH can go and vape) and could hear lots of shouting "be quiet, stop it", I started to come upstairs and DH said we would have to swap as he's too stressed to do DS' bath and he needed a vape. Then it was hard to get DS to sleep and that annoyed him too, I rang him to come and help as my hip hurt too much (have SPD). Then he told me he's too stressed and hates our idiot cat. This morning he went to leave for work without speaking to DS or I. I had been up since 3am and not feeling well, and DS could hear DH so asked for him, but DH snapped at me that he couldn't find his vape and the cat kept him awake (he didn't, I was awake the entire time, he meowed once) and that he'd already said hi to DS so didn't need to again.

I'll try Women's Aid again and hopefully they'll be more help than last time.

I cannot go and stay with family, I only have my mum and she was horrid to me growing up, her flat is tiny with no spare rooms and she smokes in it anyway. Plus I'm liable for half of tenancy and bills here so I don't know how everything will work, especially given that I'm a SAHM.

I will pray that you get help honey. I am so sorry. Don't stop until you get the help you need. Don't give in to him..Be strong. Love and Light to you.

Thank you. Now been on hold for almost two hours, I need to go out soon and DH finishes work at lunch time. I have tried their online chat facility several times and always get booted off too even when I've started speaking with someone, because they're too busy. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere, I've been trying for two weeks now, both the DA Helpline and local Women's Aid.

Give up after almost three hours of being on hold whilst trying to look after 2 year old DS. Midwife and GP just refer me to Women's Aid and say that's all they can do, but they never ever answer their phone so what on earth am I supposed to do. No wonder people stay with their abusers. I'm not angry with them because they're obviously inundated but where else is there to turn? I have no one.

@CantSleep88
It's difficult for me to recommend agencies because I don't live where you live. Does the Women's Aid have a Webpage? Can you go in person and wait?
Do you have women's shelter? Is there one near your mom? Could you live with your mom temporarily ( I know space, smoke abusive to you as a child) but I'm talking about as a stopping off point? Until you can get the aid?
I would rather live in a cramped space in the corner or sleep in the bathtub and have peace then to live with this man. Can you file for divorce while at your mom's house? So you won't lose your home or at least get paid what you put in? If she won't go outside to smoke take the child and yourself outside. Cold? Wrap blankets around yourself.
You are miserable and he is making yourself sick. If there aren't services to help you near you then move to where they are. If you file for legal separation in USA you get temporary support until divorce. I don't know how your laws work.
You have many decisions to make. You absolutely need to act soon because it will NOT get better unless he agrees to therapy, psychologist who will prescribe him medicine after assessment.
Do NOT allow him to manipulate you with the Suicide Bull Shit. IF he threatens call the Police to inform them. ( UK call the police on 999.)

IF he is able to fawn and pay attention to your child to impress family he knows that he is not acting appropriate with you or your child at home.
That's about all that I can offer as suggestions.

Have you considered couples therapy? He may have no idea how badly his behaviour is affecting you. Relate are brilliant, might be worth a try. You want to be able to tell your kids in years to come that you did everything you could to keep your family together…

@MishWoking

Have you considered couples therapy? He may have no idea how badly his behaviour is affecting you. Relate are brilliant, might be worth a try. You want to be able to tell your kids in years to come that you did everything you could to keep your family together…

DO NOT ENTER COUPLES THERAPY WITH THIS MAN

Sorry to shout OP - but joint counselling is seriously NOT recommended by any professional, when one of the parties is abusive.

@MishWoking

Have you considered couples therapy? He may have no idea how badly his behaviour is affecting you. Relate are brilliant, might be worth a try. You want to be able to tell your kids in years to come that you did everything you could to keep your family together…

This isn't just foolish and outdated advice, it's dangerous.

It is not a woman's role to keep a marriage together at all costs, to the detriment of her mental health.

It is not in a child's best interests to be raised in an abusive home with a father who has anger issues.

It is more selfish to stay than it is to leave, so do not try to shame her by saying she should be able to look back and say she did all she could to save her marriage.

All she needs to look back on and think is that she did what is best FOR HER CHILD. And that isn't being raised around a bully who has a disgusting temper and says frightening things. The bar should be higher than a man described as doing the following:

Last night the cat was playing with his feet when he was sat on the sofa, and he snapped "I'm going to snap your neck in a minute you little fucker". He gets annoyed when cat plays with his laces, for example, and will say things like "stupid fucking cat, I fucking hate him".

Relate categorically will not allow a couple to have joint counselling if one party is abusive. Any other responsible practitioner will say the same.

This situation is absolutely not compatible with couples counselling.

@MishWoking

Have you considered couples therapy? He may have no idea how badly his behaviour is affecting you. Relate are brilliant, might be worth a try. You want to be able to tell your kids in years to come that you did everything you could to keep your family together…

Yeah. Or, more likely, you'll be trying to explain to damaged and traumatised adult children why you subjected them to their abusive, angry father. Because it is of course a woman's job to keep the family together, even with a man who threatens to kill the family pet and subjects the entire house to his rages.

Yes, the important thing here is definitely that OP should be able to say she made an effort and keep the family hanging together in legal terms.

Wow. To be honest if you look up relates definition of emotional abuse, nothing the OP says he is doing falls under “abuse”.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

He sounds like he is super stressed, irritable, and needs support. So does she! Splitting up the family does not sound like the knee jerk reaction to take, without exploring other avenues first.

Relate have some good suggestions here:
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/everything-my-partner-does-irritates-me

Relationships aren’t plain sailing, they need work.