Husband's mental health / anger problems

[CantSleep88]

I have posted before about DH and am currently in the process of trying to leave although struggling to get very far with Refuge, Women's Aid and local housing association. My midwife has just suggested I contact the above (I am currently almost 23 weeks pregnant).

In the last week he has been going through a "nice" phase, bought me flowers for the second time in almost 17 years etc. However I am getting really worried about his mental health, he tells me he is suicidal and depressed but if I advise him to seek professional help he says he is not going to do that and then turns it on me and says he doesn't need counselling, he needs love and support from me which makes me feel that his moods are all my fault. He is prone to angry outbursts, currently he snaps at a cat we rescued from Cats Protection a little while ago (he is also annoyed about this and says we should never have adopted him although it was his suggestion and I said numerous times if he was not 100% to just say and we wouldn't proceed). Last night the cat was playing with his feet when he was sat on the sofa, and he snapped "I'm going to snap your neck in a minute you little fucker". He gets annoyed when cat plays with his laces, for example, and will say things like "stupid fucking cat, I fucking hate him". It makes me really uncomfortable and on edge and last night I did say I didn't like it and he said he's not mentally well. I have realised I feel anxious if I hear cat meowing in night not because I worry he will wake DS but because I worry how DH will react.

What do I do, I feel so stressed and cannot relax and enjoy this pregnancy because I feel like I am trying to carry him too and I just don't have the mental capacity. I feel like a rubbish wife not supporting him, and I'm frightened if I do successfully leave that he will commit suicide and I will never be able to overcome it. I just feel so helpless.

Sorry if this is jumbled, sleep deprived.

@MishWoking

Wow. To be honest if you look up relates definition of emotional abuse, nothing the OP says he is doing falls under “abuse”.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

He sounds like he is super stressed, irritable, and needs support. So does she! Splitting up the family does not sound like the knee jerk reaction to take, without exploring other avenues first.

Relate have some good suggestions here:
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/everything-my-partner-does-irritates-me

Relationships aren’t plain sailing, they need work.

You're wrong and / or your bar is incredibly low.

Giving out such dangerous advice is pretty shocking.

Especially to someone like OP who grew up with an alcoholic bully for a dad and is now living with someone else abusive with a cruel streak. This doesn't happen by accident - her childhood has unfortunately made her vulnerable to men like this because it normalised some behaviours that would be red flags to most.

And you've likely just made her doubt herself.

If your partner was the way she describes hers and you didn't think he was abusive, I would be very concerned.

You'd want your daughter with someone who said stuff like that and behaved that way, would you? You'd want your grandchild growing up thinking it was acceptable?

And actually relate DO suggest couples therapy if you think you are possibly in an abusive relationship….

“One of the most helpful first steps if you feel you’re in an abusive relationship is to speak to someone outside of it.

If you can talk to someone who isn’t involved, they might be able to lend you a little perspective. This can be particularly useful if you’re not sure where you stand – sometimes, behaviour we’ve become used to can seem quite clearly unreasonable to an objective outsider.

This person might be a member of your family or a friend. Or it may be a Relationship Counsellor. Counsellors are trained to unpick situations like this, helping you and your partner to understand where any abusive behaviour might be coming from and how you can work together to move towards a more mutually respectful and healthy relationship.”

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

It’s really odd how indoctrinated “dumping” men is on this website. The first sign of anything negative and everyone is like “divorce!!” “Leave him!!!”. Has no-one ever heard of “rupture and repair”??

And what "work" is this man doing. @MishWoking?
That's right - none. He is actively refusing the help that OP wants him to take & that he needs.

So when you say "work" what you mean is "OP needs to suck it up & keep taking his abuse."

And it is abuse.
Threatening suicide while refusing expert help for 'depression' is abuse.
Demanding 'love & support' while telling your wife that your moods are all her fault is abuse.
Kicking & screaming at an animal is abuse.
Being so foul that your wife has to constantly worry how DH will react is abuse.

And Relate will not counsel a couple when one of them is abusive.

It literally says on their website that they do help with abusive situations!!!!

“Counsellors are trained to unpick situations like this, helping you and your partner to understand where any abusive behaviour might be coming from and how you can work together to move towards a more mutually respectful and healthy relationship.”

@MishWoking

It’s really odd how indoctrinated “dumping” men is on this website. The first sign of anything negative and everyone is like “divorce!!” “Leave him!!!”. Has no-one ever heard of “rupture and repair”??

People in happy, loving relationships rarely feel a need to take to MN when they have a minor tiff. The reason you get so much LTB on here is because 99% of the time, that's exactly what they should do.

@MishWoking

You haven't understood your own link correctly.

Here's the important part:

You may want to come along by yourself at first, especially if you don’t think your partner would react well to the suggestion. We can then help you figure out what’s happening – and whether inviting your partner along so you can work on things together would be a good idea.

Spoiler alert - if the partner is abusive, they will NOT allow them to have couples counselling because that would not be a good thing.

That is counselling basics 101, I promise. It's never ever recommended that couples in an abusive relationship attend counselling together.

Some explanations of why:

www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1

Then Relate's advice or website is out of date & they need to get with the programme -
psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1

Well she needs support somewhere, counselling seems like the right step to me. Other avenues she’s tried haven’t helped

Rehome the poor car .
Move out with your DC
You and your little family deserve better . He sounds a nightmare x

@MishWoking

Well she needs support somewhere, counselling seems like the right step to me. Other avenues she’s tried haven’t helped

You can't see any other avenue than forcing her to stay miserable and attempt to salvage this dangerous situation entirely alone?

Sneery, stupid, worthless raised eyebrows to you too.

His mental health is not your responsibility, return the cat.

@MishWoking

Well she needs support somewhere, counselling seems like the right step to me. Other avenues she’s tried haven’t helped

For crying out loud have you not even bothered to read OP's posts? She is so far beyond the end of her tether that she's been ringing round Refuge etc trying to get emergency shelter.

You're right - she's tried other avenues. They haven't worked, so she is now looking at the avenue of leaving him, which is her right & eminently sensible.

@mishwoking

I am slightly embarrassed given the nature of my thread to admit I have worked in family law for years before giving up work after my DS was born, and regularly referred couples / individuals to Relate and other marriage counselling services. I always said I would never be one of those women who is abused, emotionally or physically, and stays with her partner, but now think perhaps I have been all along. My friends tried to pull me away from him for years and sadly I lost most of them along the way because I stayed, and also because I simply didn't go out in the end as it wasn't worth the aggravation afterwards.

DH has displayed this behaviour for years. If I have ever tried to discuss the issues I've raised in this and my other thread, I get told not to argue, or else am met with sarcasm and sneered at. Or he will simply just get in his car and drive off and give me silent treatment for days or weeks. I have always been a supportive and loving wife, I cook for him every day, wash all of his clothes and do all of the housework, have defended him to friends and family, and financially supported him for years. I promise this isn't a flippant idea, I have really tried at this marriage for over half of my life and I'm mentally and physically worn out by the constant sarcasm, treading on egg shells, worrying what mood he will be in each morning, being snapped at for using the wrong tone of voice or facial expression, being told off for things I do wrong around the house, constant sighing and swearing, silent treatment, being ignored even when pregnant and in pain or crying. I won't repeat everything from my other thread. I feel heartbroken about this decision as I have given almost 17 years to this man, and I feel immense guilt about his depression and stress, but ultimately I want to be able to say I've given my children the best life, although obviously they would still be having contact with him as their father. I can't go on like this unable to let my guard down or relax in my own home.

First of all, I need to commend you for taking this step. That can't have been easy and must have felt surreal to you.

I understand why you're questioning your perceptions, but consider this - a lot of people split up because they're truly miserable, and that has nothing to do with safety. They live for years in cold, unloving, sad marriages. Maybe they argue a lot, but safety isn't an issue.

You are one step beyond that. I believe that you can feel something's not right and your intuition is telling you to get out. At the very least, his behaviour shows that he is neurotic and can't deal with stress. You need someone who's going to be there for you when you're vulnerable, and I don't think you trust him anymore.

These people don't know your husband like you do. There's loads of women on here who've been in that situation. On the outside, the partner seems lovely, can't do enough for people, charming, friendly, not confrontational......yet in a relationships they're nasty pieces of work with a temper.

You have the right to separate from him, even if everyone else thinks he's lovely, even if safety isn't an issue.

Do you think that his actions and behaviour are those of a man who loves and respects his partner? :/

You know why this has gone on for so long OP? You've probably grown a thicker skin than you realise. His behaviour is just one more shit thing you have to deal with, a daily chore. You're deflated, sad, in a strange place, and you're not angry enough about it maybe.

Good relationships shouldn't be this joyless.