Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Said I love you for the first time...he didn't say it back.

75 replies

loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 12:04

I've been with BF for 8 months. We are both early 30s with previous children and have both had difficult relationships in the past.

Our relationship is wonderful, we get on really well. I love spending time with him and he is affectionate and very caring. Last night I told him I loved him. He reacted in a positive way - lots of kisses and biggest hug ever (he's not the most touch feely so it is out of the ordinary for him!) but he didn't say it back. My gut says that if he doesn't love me then he is very close to it and that 8 months is still early days especially after a bit of a rough ride with previous pregnancies, but I'd like a few opinions! I've met his family and he's met mine, and we make plans for the future etc. I enjoyed the hugs, didn't say anything apart from chats and we are just as lovey as anything this morning.

Should I be worrying or is this something that will come with time?!

OP posts:

Februarybluee · 18/02/2022 17:28

OP it took my partner five months to say it. I knew he loved me within a couple of weeks I could just feel it, but when it got to around that time I was starting to feel a bit confused, maybe he was someone who just never said it?

Anyway it all came out very naturally and it turned out he was just scared to say it because it made it real that there was a lot to lose, something like that.

He told EVERYONE in his life before he told me

He says it allll the time now.

Go with your gut and I think it'll all come out in it's own time and you'll know either way soon.

Februarybluee · 18/02/2022 17:30

Ps I'm stubborn and refused to say it first though 😂

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/02/2022 17:34

I said it to DH first after 2 months and he eventually said it back a month later. People get there in their own time.

littlenickyy61 · 18/02/2022 17:39

i would go by his actions rather than his words. People don't usually magically fall in love at the exact same time and I would much rather someone says I love you at a later point but when they actually do as opposed to someone who says it back because they feel they should. I'm sure he will say it when he is ready and it will mean all the more

Allthebubbles · 18/02/2022 17:52

I said I love you to DH by accident, it was about 2 months in and it was all I was thinking but I was also thinking it was too early, but it slipped out as I was falling asleep.
He'd had a previous relationship that was very toxic and he'd said I love you when he didn't mean it, to keep the peace and reassure his ex. He said he felt too much for me to say it without 100% meaning it and he didn't know yet. I appreciated his honesty and that he felt secure enough with me not to just say it.
Like you, I also felt that it probably was reciprocated and about a month later he said it too, it's coming up for 20 yrs together now.

singswithitsfingers · 18/02/2022 18:03

Actions are much more important than words. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship. I love my DH very much but rarely tell him that. Just not my thing

SamMil · 18/02/2022 18:12

When my husband and I were dating, he was the first to say I love you. I totally wasn't expecting it and didn't say anything at all I think I probably said it back a few weeks later.

Anyway, we've been together for 16 years & have a child now so i wouldn't worry too much!

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 18/02/2022 18:20

I didn't say it back when my DH first said it to me. He said it really naturally/casually (like when you've been married 20 years and have three kids and are just leaving for work kind-of way) and I was really taken aback and then wasn't sure if he actuly meant to say it. I absolutely knew I loved him way before that but had never said it. I did a week or so later when I was fairly sure he has actually had meant it.

WonderfulYou · 18/02/2022 18:24

Actions are much more important than words. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship. I love my DH very much but rarely tell him that. Just not my thing

Absolutely this!

People say they love their partners every day but still continue to abuse them, cheat on them, lie to them etc.

Saying I love you is literally just words that anyone can say.
His actions are much more important.

Chikapu · 18/02/2022 18:27

The first time my husband told me he loved me I replied with 'that's nice'. I wasn't there yet and didn't want to say it just for the sake of it.
If he shows you every day how much he values you then surely that's what counts?

Suzi888 · 18/02/2022 18:29

Words are cheap. I’d go by actions more.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 18:33

I'd rather he says it at a time he's feeling it. There are times when I think "I really bloody love him" which is when I say it to my DP. I'd never want him to say it back because he felt he should or out of habit.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 18/02/2022 18:33

He shows you he loves you and you can feel it.
Anyone can say three little words.
What he's doing is better.

AlternativePerspective · 18/02/2022 18:41

I find it interesting that on some threads there are posters telling OP’s to tell the new bloke they’ve been seeing for 6 months or so that they need to think about moving forward and trying for babies if her biological clock is ticking, and yet here it’s considered too soon to tell someone you love them after 8 months? .

TBH I would be wary,because IMO if he feels it, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to say it, especially as you said it first.

I would certainly feel that I wasn’t able to say it again unless he did, and then what if he doesn’t?

Didimum · 18/02/2022 18:50

I said it at 6 months. He said it back at a year. We’ve been together 9 years, married 5 and have two kids. We’re still very happy and in love.

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 18/02/2022 19:07

With an ex of mine I knew for months that he loved me, by the way he looked at me, how he held and touched me and how much attention he paid to my every word. I could tell for ages that he wanted to tell me...he just couldn't get the words out (and once he did it didn't stop). My point is that, as a pp said, if he's showing you he loves you I wouldn't worry.

Opentooffers · 18/02/2022 20:29

@loveisaconfusingplace " his body language left me in no doubt whatsoever ". So that's why you came on here asking & needing reassurance?. Anyway, you've got it, all is fine.
I remember saying it to an ex who replied " I'm not sure I can, or ever have, loved anyone, but if it was going to be anyone, it would be you". No truer words, I doubt he has the capacity, he's just not a deep person. I realized things and backed off, he ended up just being someone to hang out with during covid, worthwhile, he was fit, but untrustworthy without government restrictions. Happily, I find if my feelings aren't reciprocated, I lose interest pretty quickly, it's a turn off for me, it's good not to to hang on in hope.

JangolinaPitt · 18/02/2022 20:36

Totally agree about actions rather than words. I am with someone who has been damaged emotionally and I doubt he will ever say the words, but the amazing things he does for me matter so much more.

propersobbing · 18/02/2022 21:58

I can't speak for your BF, but only of my experience. I said it first after 6 months, and was quite sure he felt the same way. He didn't say it back. I felt a fool and wondered if I was reading too much into our relationship even though it had been very wonderful, and very intense. I read a book (maybe by Susan Jeffers), and it said that when you tell someone you love them (sometimes) it isn't just to hear it back, but you want to express your feelings so don't get hung up on hearing it back. I told him again 2 weeks later, confident he wouldn't say the same, and he didn't, but without the expectations it felt very loving to be telling him, and he also hugged me very hard, and really made me feel very loved. it wasn't long after that that he told me, and I still remember the flips my stomach did when he did. 8 years later we are still very together.

KohlaParasaurus · 18/02/2022 22:09

The first time DH said, "I love you, " to me, when we'd been together just a few weeks, I replied, "Oh, DO you?" I wasn't expecting it and wasn't at all certain that I felt the same about him. Fortunately, he didn't run away. Almost 20 years together and we both say, "I love you," all the time.

DixonD · 18/02/2022 23:57

[quote loveisaconfusingplace]@Evasmissingletter his body language left me in no doubt whatsoever that not only was it a positive thing, it was something he wanted to hear. [/quote]
Then this is ALL you need to know. Some people (like me) don’t like saying it.

My DH said it first (3 months in) and I promptly offered him a biscuit! Knee jerk reaction. I didn’t say it back for quite some time but I had loved him for years prior to him saying it.

It’s what he DOES that’s important.

supercali77 · 19/02/2022 07:29

My bf has a thing where he feels weird parroting things back particularly 'i love you', he tends to either say it first or he'll say it shortly after. If his response was really positive, give it a bit of time

wingscrow · 19/02/2022 07:58

Disagree with the 'it has not been very long' or 'actions speak louder than words' in this scenario.

Why try to over-analyse and complicated matters?

The simplest answer is usually the right one: he did not say it back because he either does not feel that way or he is not certain enough yet of how he feels about you to make that statement.

Original poster

Loveisaconfusingplace · 25/02/2022 12:15

Update -

He loves me!

OP posts:

Moretodo · 25/02/2022 13:54

We knew it

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread