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Original poster

Said I love you for the first time...he didn't say it back.

75 replies

loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 12:04

I've been with BF for 8 months. We are both early 30s with previous children and have both had difficult relationships in the past.

Our relationship is wonderful, we get on really well. I love spending time with him and he is affectionate and very caring. Last night I told him I loved him. He reacted in a positive way - lots of kisses and biggest hug ever (he's not the most touch feely so it is out of the ordinary for him!) but he didn't say it back. My gut says that if he doesn't love me then he is very close to it and that 8 months is still early days especially after a bit of a rough ride with previous pregnancies, but I'd like a few opinions! I've met his family and he's met mine, and we make plans for the future etc. I enjoyed the hugs, didn't say anything apart from chats and we are just as lovey as anything this morning.

Should I be worrying or is this something that will come with time?!

OP posts:
Evasmissingletter · 18/02/2022 12:49

His body language is positive! I’m sure he’s just finding the right moment.

DamnUserName21 · 18/02/2022 12:52

@loveisaconfusingplace

I'm definitely sticking by my username!! 😂 My gut is telling me he is serious about me and cares very deeply for me. He shows me everyday that he values me and sees a future with me and I trust in him. He has been in a very abusive relationship and struggle with articulating emotion - he is a show it rather than say it type and I know he took a while to open up to me.
Love is very much a confusing place. OP, he is not ready to say the words, and based on your update, I'd give it time.
Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 12:52

@Evasmissingletter his body language left me in no doubt whatsoever that not only was it a positive thing, it was something he wanted to hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 12:54

@DamnUserName21 thank you. He can have all the time he needs, I'm not going anywhere. Yes there was a lot of emotional and physical abuse in his last relationship. It's left its mark.

OP posts:
MoirasWigStand · 18/02/2022 12:54

I said it a few months before DP. And I was always clear I didn't expect him to say it back. He did, and does loads now.

Dumbitdown · 18/02/2022 12:57

When he does say it op, you'll know he means it. I'm 2.5 years with my partner and we're just after saying we love each other. I said it first and he said it to me about a month later. He is like your partner, demonstrative by actions more than by words, and I was sure he loved me long before either of us said it. It's a lovely time in a relationship. Enjoy him

Onelifeonly · 18/02/2022 12:57

I'd go on actions rather than words. 8 months is reasonably early on. It's easy to parrot back without thinking anyway, which can seem insincere or mere politeness. A hug sounds like a great response.

Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 12:58

Thank you so much @Dumbitdown that made me a bit emotional! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 12:58

@Onelifeonly it was an extremely good hug!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 18/02/2022 12:59

My parents never told me they loved me as a child. I find it very difficult to tell someone I love them. It feels a bit soul-wrenching, makes me feel very vulnerable, and I don't quite know what it means, in some ways. Actions often speak louder than words.

SirChenjins · 18/02/2022 12:59

I think I'd be wary...for all you've met his family and you're making plans when put in that situation he backed off and didn't react the way that you thought he was - unless you genuinely just wanted him to know that's how you felt and nothing more. That's not to say he won't ever say it, but I'd be conscious that the talk of the future might just be talk and nothing more - you see it all the time on MN, a promise of a future, marriage, etc, but as soon as firm plans or an actual date are discussed there's always an excuse. I'd be wondering how he saw me after 8 months if he didn't feel he could say something that's pretty natural to want to say to your partner after that length of time.

Ultimately though, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's how you feel. I think I'd need to know where I stood - is love something he thinks he feels now but doesn't want to say it for some reason, does he not love me now but thinks he's heading that way, does he see me as someone he cares about a lot but doesn't love?

haikyew · 18/02/2022 13:03

How awkward for you
8 months is plenty of time
When you meet The One

2bazookas · 18/02/2022 13:11

You should appreciate his absolute integrity.

The cheap easy response was " I love you too". Kneejerk, automatic.

He didn't. He doesn't do cheap easy.

IF he ever says "I love you" , you'll know he said it freely, and really means it. Pure gold.

Patience is also a virtue.

Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 13:15

@2bazookas thank you. Yes he is a very, very decent man and integrity is definitely one of the things he values.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 18/02/2022 13:28

@loveisaconfusingplace

Oh no *@TheVanguardSix* I would never prompt. I told him I loved him because I wanted him to know what he means to me, not to receive affirmation back. I didn't say it to hear it back.
I instantly sort of regretted what I wrote because I didn't intend to say you were prompting him! It certainly doesn't come across that way at all, OP. I am sorry. There's probably a better way of wording what I was trying to say... but ear infections, divorce, wind storms, menopause (I have loads of things I blame my poor use of language on! Grin) are all getting in the way. Trust his body language and his actions. The love is there. He just wants to say it with meaning and get his own timing right. You found your moment. Smile He will find his. It sounds like you're both incredibly happy and in love. What a great place to be in. Flowers
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 18/02/2022 13:31

First time I told my boyfriend (now husband of 28 years) he gave me a massive hug and lots of kisses then left for work.
I was heartbroken. Five minutes later he came back in and told me he loved me too. We'd been living together for over a yearConfused We're not so good with all the emotional stuffHmm

TheVanguardSix · 18/02/2022 13:32

@haikyew

How awkward for you 8 months is plenty of time When you meet The One
The One and I said I love you very quickly! He was an absolute shit of a husband, to be incredibly blunt. So... to be honest, saying I love you has little value in my book. Showing 'I love you' is everything. OP's boyfriend is showing it.
Nietzschethehiker · 18/02/2022 13:32

You mentioned he had been in an abusive relationship. Not quite the same but I was married once before I met DP. Simply the experience of divorcing and the changes that came with it (and navigating two children through it) made me incredibly gunshy at the words. It wasn't personal I really loved him far before I could say it. It was entirely about my issues that I didn't instantly say it back. Try not to worry actions speak louder than words sometimes.

Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 13:33

Oh that's fine @TheVanguardSix I knew what you meant! Yes I'm hopeless at articulating things on here anyway 😂

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1990 · 18/02/2022 13:34

@loveisaconfusingplace

I've been with BF for 8 months. We are both early 30s with previous children and have both had difficult relationships in the past.

Our relationship is wonderful, we get on really well. I love spending time with him and he is affectionate and very caring. Last night I told him I loved him. He reacted in a positive way - lots of kisses and biggest hug ever (he's not the most touch feely so it is out of the ordinary for him!) but he didn't say it back. My gut says that if he doesn't love me then he is very close to it and that 8 months is still early days especially after a bit of a rough ride with previous pregnancies, but I'd like a few opinions! I've met his family and he's met mine, and we make plans for the future etc. I enjoyed the hugs, didn't say anything apart from chats and we are just as lovey as anything this morning.

Should I be worrying or is this something that will come with time?!

We said it 3 months in, in hindsight I said it back so he didn't feel bad but I think it was a good few months later when I really felt it and meant it when I actually said it
JustAnotherUserinParadise · 18/02/2022 13:40

Aww... sounds like he's not a talker but he's definitely feeling something!

When my DH said it for the first time, I think I said "thank you"... In a genuine way - I was really glad he'd told me! It took me two more weeks and a lot of wine to say it back!

BringOnSandwiches · 18/02/2022 13:46

I told OH I loved him at 8-9 month. It was 2 months later before he said it back. We're coming up to 7 years now. 2 kids. House.

Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 13:50

Thanks everyone. Tbh I'm not sure how people say it after a few weeks - I did with my XH (now I was completely convinced he was 'the one' back when I believed in such a concept!) but it was nowhere near real love. I knew I loved the BF after about 5 months but i need time to properly figure it out. Maybe he is the same.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 18/02/2022 14:54

@RedCandyApple

Well you don’t really know anyone after 3 weeks so find it hard to believe you can actually love someone after 21 days 😂 if a poster came on saying someone she’s been dating 3 weeks said he loved her people would say it was a red flag!
@RedCandyApple - I know lol.

The French guy I was seeing was a very nice man (chef) and my friend who was a landlord of a local pub said 'he's a good guy'.

I think I'd been seeing him 2-3 months when he said he loved me and I was 24/25 at the time but we did like/love each other and carried on seeing each other for about a year.

I never thought anymore about it as lovebombing wasn't a thing back then (late 90s?) but he seemed sincere.

I've since read up and French men (and women) do generally have different attitudes towards relationships and sex. Sadly after a year and not seeing much of him (pastry chef, different hours and work etc) I met someone else and finished with him.

www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/in-france-men-tend-to-commit-instantly-but-do-they-really-mean-it-20190520-p51pf4.html

Original poster
loveisaconfusingplace · 18/02/2022 17:18

Didn't realise it was such a thing for the french!

OP posts:
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