Is it okay to end marriage just because I don't like being married?

[SunnydaleHSAlumna]

Do you think, not taking account of any history or previous actions, that it's okay to end a marriage just because I don't actually like being married that much?

I feel like I've been tying myself in knots lately and feeling really anxious, trying to decide if I should end my marriage, is DH a good husband, do I love him, why do I want to leave, am I expecting too much, am I just ungrateful, etc etc.

But I just seem to keep being drawn back to the same thing... I just don't think I like being married that much. We've fallen into very traditional roles and suffered infertility and all I ever wanted growing up was to be a mum and now after ten years of it, marriage is looking very different than what I expected it to be. I would never get married again if we did split up. I do love him a lot, but he is very content in his job and his life, whereas for me if I'm not going to be a Mum, my current life feels very empty and I can't bear the thought of another 40 years of this.

You are allowed to end your marriage/relationship, whatever the reason. You don't need permission. I'd possibly consider whether it is something that could be worked on, maybe counselling? But if you are completely sure you want to leave then that is absolutely up to you, you're an adult.

Yes you can.

However, I wouldn't rush a decision. You sound quite unhappy. Leaving may not magically fix that.

When you think about not being married what is it that you would be doing, that you can't do now?

my current life feels very empty and I can't bear the thought of another 40 years of this.

Do you think not being married will fill a void?

You can leave your marriage, but to be brutally honest, it does seem a shame, from what you’ve said about him. The only specific problem you’ve mentioned is infertility - I don’t see how that is going to be helped by divorcing your perfectly decent husband, or that the effects of infertility will be helped by leaving him, either.

You can end your marriage, definitely. But it won't fix your problems. I agree with PP try counselling to work out what you do want (not what you think you don't) and then see if it fits with your marriage.

Not liking traditional roles isn't the same thing as not liking marriage itself or not liking your DH.

You're going round in circles and a fresh pair of eyes to help you organise your thoughts might lead you to a totally different conclusion. There are many ways to change your life. Good luck with whatever you decide.

It sounds like you have fixed ideas of what "being married" means.

Probably quicker, easier, cheaper, less painful for others to change those ideas than to go through a divorce.

Some things that struck me when reading your post OP were...

How would your life be different if you were no longer married?

Why can't you do that now? Or to look at it another way, what could you do now that makes you happy?

Is it one or both of you there may be an issue with fertility-wise? Would you intend to try and have children with someone else? Did you ever love him?

Absolutely you can end your marriage for any reason.

The fact you don't have children to consider, simplifies things.

Break it gently to your husband as he is a nice man.

But if you want out, do it.

Are you carrying the wifey mental load without any payback?

If you are, I understand.

My single happy childless friend has met a lovely man.

She really likes him and they are together a year.

She loves her well paid job, her gorgeous house and garden, her other single friends.

She also really likes him.

He is kind, funny, solvent and also a home owner.

She has absolutely no interest in sharing her home for anything other than a night or two.

Unfortunately she thinks it may be an issue.

She is never sharing finances with a man after being financially independent for 55 years.

She has zero interest in trying to blend their different house standards.

She is clean but definitely a bit messy.
She loves to paint so a tidy house isn't a priority.

He has a lovely ordered home.

They sound so well suited in many ways.
I hope they can make it work.

Not everyone wants to live with a partner.
That's ok too.

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

Do you think, not taking account of any history or previous actions, that it's okay to end a marriage just because I don't actually like being married that much?

I feel like I've been tying myself in knots lately and feeling really anxious, trying to decide if I should end my marriage, is DH a good husband, do I love him, why do I want to leave, am I expecting too much, am I just ungrateful, etc etc.

But I just seem to keep being drawn back to the same thing... I just don't think I like being married that much. We've fallen into very traditional roles and suffered infertility and all I ever wanted growing up was to be a mum and now after ten years of it, marriage is looking very different than what I expected it to be. I would never get married again if we did split up. I do love him a lot, but he is very content in his job and his life, whereas for me if I'm not going to be a Mum, my current life feels very empty and I can't bear the thought of another 40 years of this.

OMG OP, a lot of this rings true for me. I feel like if we’re not going to have kids (I’m almost your age and we haven't), then I don’t understand our lifestyle. We’ve got all this freedom yet we’re living like a couple with the restricted lifestyle of parents. I’m very adventurous and he’s not / far less so. I was planning on going travelling alone just before we met, but together life feels very small and domestic. I love him and he is incredibly supportive and loving and a very grounding influence, yet i just can’t believe this is it. The thought of plodding along for the next 40 years like this makes me feel like I’m just waiting for death. Yet leaving seems crazy too.

I’m not actually married but otherwise am living that lifestyle. I would actually really like to live by myself but continue the relationship, as I’m just not sure living together suits me. I feel swallowed up by it and miss feeling like myself. I feel like our relationship would be richer if our lives were less intertwined.

Our fundamental problem is that he’s a workaholic. I end up spending a lot of time feeling like I am waiting around for him, it means the dynamic in our relationship has always subtly been that he’s more important than me. I feel like my world revolves around him, if he makes a mess I clean it, if he’s hungry I make food. He’s not a bad person, he just likes to work long hours, whereas I do a normal 9-5, so I’m always at home before him so I always cook dinner, or I clean while I wait for him to get back, etc.

He can work anywhere but we stayed in our home town, in my field I would get better job prospects if I moved to a city, which he wouldn’t do. So my career will only go to a certain level which I am more or less at now, which was okay with me if I was going to have kids, but not without.

I do love him, I was madly in love with him at first which is how I found myself in this situation I think, along with unhealthy role model in the form of my Mum. I thought it was normal to set so much of yourself aside for your family. I just think over the past couple of years I have become resentful, of everything, and unsure now if I love him as family or if I’m actually still IN love with him

I have a friend who was in a similar situation op. Her DH didn’t really want to push for IVF etc. and said he was happy with their lives the way they were. She did end up leaving and I think is much happier with her career and some aspects of her life now.

She did go through a period of deep depression after her ex moved on very quickly and got the new gf pregnant within three months (the infertility issues were hers). She’s largely moved on from that now but she is open that she is still quite wounded by that.

@Chimchiminie your situation does sound very similar. I’m like you, I’d take our freedom and go off and live in a van for a year, or try and find a job opportunity abroad for one of us, but he’s just not interested, at all.

That would be my ideal situation too actually, to stay together but live apart. He could be responsible for his own drudgery and me mine and come together to just enjoy each other’s company.

I get this. We also suffered fertility issues and discussed what we were going to do without kids as we had spent time 'settling down' in readiness for kids.

We both agreed though - we would rent the house out and sod off. Live a different life for a few more years, travel, work whatever.

We did eventually have a child and even now sometimes I feel quite (too) grounded but there's no way I could live the life I do without that child as our centre to it. It would feel very dull. Work, house, and holidays? That's not a lot to feel motivated by for 40 years to come.

You need a refreshed purpose, goals, ambitions. And if he doesn't want them too, then you are simply not compatible anymore and you should cut your ties without resenting him.

I think lots of men make adequate or good boyfriends but awful cohabiting partners and that's why there's so much divorce and breakups. I reckon it's the number one thing.

Workaholics are as bad as any other addiction. It's somehow seen as the socially acceptable one. It's still harmful. It's a way of checking out of real life, you know, all the stuff that happens outside of work. You're not a partner OP you're a support human for an addict. Would he notice or care if you were replaced by an artificial intelligence robot?

So I change my earlier advice, divorcing a workaholic would solve your problems! If you still love him you could try couples counselling with the premise being that if he has no interest in changing then you'll divorce. Has he ever stopped to think about it all? Is he just caught in a routine without realising? Or does he secretly like how things are and is very happy? You can't force someone else to change, but you can make clear what's a deal-breaker and ask if they have any interest in trying to change.

After dd1 died and I didn’t know if I could/ would have more children I felt like this. We had set up a life linked to being parents, and I seriously considered leaving and travelling around Australia. I did all the research. I considered selling our house, ditching my boring London city job in search of something more.

You can absolutely leave DH if that’s what you want. Can you talk to him about how you feel/ that big things need to change to make you happy?

OP,

Having read your update, I would say start packing.

He is clearly VERY focused on his needs being met.

Do not spend your life waiting around twiddling your thumbs for a man who is putting his career first, whilst you are held back.

Why would you do that?

You have a future of huge regret and dissatisfaction ahead of you if you do not bite the bullet and split.

Be brave.
You will be rewarded if you are.

Start job hunting asap.
Start planning.

You only have one life.
Don't blow it by waiting around to cook him his dinner.
Get out there and follow those dreams.

Have you considered looking for a better job in the city and living apart during the week? Plenty of men do that with a family at home so I see no reason why you can’t.

Talk to him about how you feel. He may compromise and alter his behaviour - he might not, but you should lay out your cards so you both understand what each other wants. Perhaps counselling would help?

You might find that you are incompatible - but it would be good to try.

I know this hasn't been mentioned, but I'm curious whether you've explored all options regarding having a child.

Are the issues on your side, his, or both?

You can stay married and be free to travel etc. I adore being with DH and the kids but some of my best moments have been when I've travelled without them. You can be loyal but not in the same place for a while... Talk to him.

We both have issues sadly. It’s been hard because in theory it could happen, but I’ve never had even a positive pregnancy test throughout all of it, but that shred of hope is such a killer. We’re thinking if we want to have another go, but I don’t know if it feels right anymore.

There’s no compromise when it comes to his job. I’ve asked, dozens of times. He knows how I feel about how much he works but it doesn’t change anything. He won’t have any counselling either about work, or with me.

He won’t have any counselling either about work, or with me.
This would be a dealbreaker for me: he’s telling you very clearly that this is what life will be like, forever.

If you’re struggling with whether to leave, I would do 2 things: a pro/con list of what happens if you stay, and what happens if you go. And write a little “what would I want life to be like in 5 years” essay for yourself. Not necessarily through the lens of leaving him, but just see what your ideal life is like: does it include living in a city or a van, pursuing a career and working harder than now, or pursuing a career in order to work less for the same money and have more hobbies, does that life include a pet or fostering or is it less tied down than that? You wake up in the morning and feel X, spend your free time doing Y, every day/every week you… what? Write the dream life.

I did this when I was in a bad relationship and it really helped me see with great clarity that all the things I wanted were only possible if I left him.

all the best op, on the flip side if you were single , why do you think you would be in a better position ?