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Original poster

Is it okay to end marriage just because I don't like being married?

55 replies

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 16/02/2022 17:38

Do you think, not taking account of any history or previous actions, that it's okay to end a marriage just because I don't actually like being married that much?

I feel like I've been tying myself in knots lately and feeling really anxious, trying to decide if I should end my marriage, is DH a good husband, do I love him, why do I want to leave, am I expecting too much, am I just ungrateful, etc etc.

But I just seem to keep being drawn back to the same thing... I just don't think I like being married that much. We've fallen into very traditional roles and suffered infertility and all I ever wanted growing up was to be a mum and now after ten years of it, marriage is looking very different than what I expected it to be. I would never get married again if we did split up. I do love him a lot, but he is very content in his job and his life, whereas for me if I'm not going to be a Mum, my current life feels very empty and I can't bear the thought of another 40 years of this.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 16/02/2022 23:41

A friends wife took off for six months with a passport and a suitcase. She traveled around Europe. They were childless. They tried again for a bit when she returned but it was no good. They divorced. He remarried she didn't. They're both happy.

You need a sabbatical from this marriage then decide

WildPoinsettia · 17/02/2022 00:10

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

There’s no compromise when it comes to his job. I’ve asked, dozens of times. He knows how I feel about how much he works but it doesn’t change anything. He won’t have any counselling either about work, or with me.

Then you have your answer. There's no point in counselling if he's already decided. You want something different to each other. You're incompatible.

You could leave now, be heartbroken for a while and then be happy apart, remain on friendly terms and possibly meet someone else to share your life with.

If you stay what happens? A lifetime of being miserable and unfulfilled, resentment that slowly turns to hatred, ending up divorced in old age anyway and wishing you'd done it sooner, or worse, stuck being his carer if old age brings infirmity too?

blackdumpling · 17/02/2022 06:50

You sound like a more carefree spirit than your DH
Wanting to move away to another city for work
Interested in vanlife & exploring
Opposites do attract
But having similar goals & outlook on life is so important
Doing this "wifework" of cooking & cleaning can seem more tolerable when children are involved
When kids are involved it isn't so uncommon to slip into those traditional gender roles
But without kids I can see how it would feel like pointless drudgery
Your life is worth more then being spent cooking & cleaning up after a man
It sounds like you were banking on him giving you children
Now that this looks unlikely, it highlights this lack of deeper connection for you
Daresay even if you'd had kids then his workaholic ways would have bothered you in time
Perhaps this was inevitable that you would part
Picture on your deathbed how you will feel
Will you regret not taking the chance to move cities or go on a road trip adventure?
It sounds like deep down you already know
I would tell him you are leaving to fill your life with experience & adventure
Put the ball in his court
He may realise what he is about to lose
Or he may not
From what you describe he doesn't sound like the type to pack it all in & do vanlife
I have done it, it's not for everyone
If he won't even move cities he is unlikely to want to experience vanlife
IMO

Porcupineintherough · 17/02/2022 07:33

So he wont change anything to make you happy.

Leave. And do it soon before you hate and resent him. Go build a life that centres you. Maybe one day you'll find someone to share it who cares how you feel.

hopeishere · 17/02/2022 07:42

Have you had IVF? I'm not sure if having a child will fix this but could make it worse.

Can you stop enabling him? Don't cook the dinner, don't tidy. Find something you love doing so you're not 'waiting' for him.

Lookingforatimeslip · 17/02/2022 07:44

The more information you’ve put, I’ve consider a split. 40 years is a long time to put up with someone who doesn’t consider you.

Alittlepotofrosie · 17/02/2022 07:51

The more you post, the more it looks entirely reasonable to leave him. You're not just leaving him because of children. You're leaving him because he works too much, leaves you to do all the clearing up, won't support you in your goals and in fact won't change anything to make you happy. No wonder you are bored with him.

You could have another 40 years to go out and have fun, build a fulfilling and interesting career and have adventures. Don't waste it looking after a man who won't do the same for you.

SunnyKlara · 17/02/2022 09:16

I agree with pp, it sounds very much like be is happy with the way things are and feels like if he is happy, why should things change? He is fundamentally missing the idea of being a team.

I left my ex for the same. He was a nice bloke, solid, dependable and kind. But was totally unable to see life any way but the way he wanted to live. I had to push for anything lifestyle-wise I wanted. And it would never be a simple discussion with compromise. It would take months and months before we came to an agreement, and it was only if I put in the leg work and kept bringing it up. So I stopped doing it for anything other than what I felt very strongly about. Which basically ended up with me living his life and never feeling like I was completely satisfied.

Our final straw, ridiculously was over a dog. I had always been very clear that one day, when work etc allowed I would like a dog. I always grew up with them and, to me, they are part of having a family.

We had been to visit friends with a new pup and I had spent lots of time playing with it, while he was quiet and a bit "off". When we got home, he announced that he had decided he would never get a dog and he couldn't live "like that". After never being able to chose where we went on holiday (my ideas were always too much hassle so we went to the same uk destination every year), never choosing where we would live (he would only live together if he could choose). When we came to buy, I had to do all the viewings, house research and deal with estate agents for him to turn up and announce "no" in 5 mins flat.

I had just had enough. He was very surprised when I said I was done. For him, I was totally unreasonable and everything would be OK, if only I could see it from his pov.

billy1966 · 17/02/2022 09:16

With your posts OP it is more a case of why would you stay?

He has zero interest in your happiness or any compromise.

Move on.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 17/02/2022 09:17

Anyone has the right to end a relationship that is not making them happy for any reason, or no reason.

Cuddlemuffin · 17/02/2022 09:22

In your situation I think I would either live apart and go live in a city with the better job prospects and be together at weekends. Or leave and start afresh completely. Option one could eventually lead to option two if you find life apart actually much more fulfilling. Clearly something needs to change. I think it's important to lay your cards on the table. You've said he's not willing to compromise so don't ask him to, just tell him the options you are considering. He can't stop you from making changes to your own life xx

LimeSegment · 17/02/2022 09:30

If you really don't want to leave, you could try just doing what you want to do no matter what he says. Don't cook him dinner. Go off travelling, get a different job. Couples live and travel separately all the time, even people (men) with kids do this all the time. If he doesn't like it he can choose to end the marriage.

Onelifeonly · 17/02/2022 09:32

I completely understand the crushing disappointment and loss of experiencing infertility, but that sounds like a red herring here. Your DH sounds inflexible and unwilling to even consider your needs - being a parent in that situation would likely only exacerbate the issues.

You need to take control of your own life, not drift along hoping for him to change. I wish you all the best.

minipie · 17/02/2022 09:39

No wonder he’s content and you’re not. You’ve made several big compromises to accommodate his preferences and he’s made none to accommodate yours. And he gets someone who cooks and cleans for him.

I agree with PP, work out what you want your life to look like - where you want to live, career goals, travel etc - and then see if he wants to come with you or not.

Loopytiles · 17/02/2022 09:47

Him being a workaholic, the dynamic of you ‘waiting on him’ and that you do way more than your fair share of the domestic work are some good reasons to end your relationship.

Loopytiles · 17/02/2022 09:48

Whilst you think through your options would stop ‘serving him’ and spend that time and energy on things for yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2022 10:08

It's not that you'll be better off if you're not married, it's that you'll be happier not married to him. If he refuses to compromise, there is nothing to save here.

howtoleaveit · 17/02/2022 10:16

I think you’re very unhappy and your husband isn’t compatible with you. Why don’t you change it up? Don’t end the relationship but grab a new work opportunity in a big/different city somewhere fun like bristol or Manchester or Leeds and go live in a flat share with a couple of other single girls your age. If you’re not going to be a mum then you might as well do SATC and have career/late nights with fun people. You’re not getting any of your needs met and your life is too boring for you. I moved 5 hours away from my partner when we had fertility issues. Best thing I ever did.

gingerhills · 17/02/2022 10:25

It sounds like your life needs a massive overhaul. Without the responsibility towards children, i honestly think you have all the freedom in the world. You could:
stay married but explain you need an adventure and go off alone to a new city for a job promotion or buy a van and trundle around Europe in it./
Or do either of those, but formally separate first.

It does sound as though 'lovely' as he is, he has never had to or tried to put your needs and feelings first. Your priorities are never a priority.
The only way this can schange is by you explaining that for you at least, from now on, they will be. He can join you or he can meet you half way or he can admit he has no interest in supporting you towards living a fulfilling life.

In your situation I would start with a few easy life-expansions. Don't be home every night! Go to the gym or a fitness class two or three times a week. Go to an evening class - maybe van maintenance, in prep for your campervan tour. Sign up for some things that extend your boundaries a bit - push you towards adventure and out of the 9-5 rut.

While you do these start researching some of your bigger dreams in earnest - how could you finance a year touring in a van? Where would you go? Are there job openings at higher salaries in your field in other cities? Could you update yoru Cv and apply?

How will your DH respond, either to you not being home 4 nights out of 5 because you have a life, or to your discussions about taking your career to the next stage or having a sabbatical year adventure?

His response will help you work out whether your marriage will enhance your future life or hold you back.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 10:48

For me the 10 years being married and nothing changed means I would think seriously about getting out or separating and divorcing.

How old are you? You could easily have a child with another man and get married. I'm not sure I could stay with an over-worker and also someone who doesn't put my needs first, no matter how lovely he is. It just sounds like too much hard work but also sounds like something you should've looked into 5 years ago not 10 years down the line.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 10:50

@justasking111

You need a sabbatical from this marriage then decide

@justasking111 - that sounds good if she can do this.

@howtoleaveit - good idea for OP if she wants to do this but suppose she meets someone else whilst living a 'single life' in another city or she wanted to meet someone else? What to do then?

ChocolateMassacre · 17/02/2022 10:50

Do you share finances (joint account etc.)? Or is he getting your domestic labour "for free" essentially while he uses the time freed up to earn more money. That would hack me off.

Musttryharder2021 · 17/02/2022 10:53

@howtoleaveit

We don't know how old the Op is but flat sharing in your 30s (assuming she is in this age bracket as she has mentioned fertility issues foe the last decade with her husband) is a really depressing thought for most people where you'd most likely be surrounded by people half your age and who are at a completely different stage of life to you...not sure how that would make the Op feel any better

IsabelHerna · 17/02/2022 11:11

Dealing with infertility is huge and really difficult.

Personally I would shift your point of view. You're talking about him, his job, his time etc.

The main issue you should be focusing on is you. What can YOU do, to feel better with yourself? If you're stuck at home waiting for him the problem is not that he is not home, the problem is that you are alone. So, meet people, do things, try! Go for a cup of coffee with your boring co-worker you've been avoiding, join a sports club or a book club.

If your life needs to be separated from his, starting to have a life of your own will help you make the transition.

All these are based on the advice my therapist gave me when I was in a similar situation. Turns out we broke up, now I'm doing my 2nd round of IVF to become a single mum by donor sperm. But by doing this, basically I took it step by step. I built my seperate life and then we couldn't be together so we split up.

mugglenutmeg · 17/02/2022 12:14

How would you feel about never seeing or speaking to your DH ever again after a divorce? How would you feel about seeing him fall in love and start a new life with someone else?

The answer to those questions are your clue as to whether you should be working on it or walking away immediately.

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