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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he cheating?

73 replies

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 04:48

Hi 👋

My husband has had an addiction to porn, starting a few years before we met.

He's confessed it to me and I've been trying to be as supportive as possible towards him.

He refuses therapy (doesn't like the concept of it) so I've tried my best to assist him in the ways I could.

I personally don't consider porn to be cheating although it does hurt me a tiny bit. But I've never criticised him for it.

Things got a bit different a few months ago.
So first of all, six months prior to that, when we were on his computer, I kept seeing one username pop up in his recently searched for history (when you type something on the url bar). I didn't think much of it at first but as it appeared again and again I started getting a bit curious as it is a girly username, looked it up on Instagram, found nothing and just thought nothing of it and forgot about it.

Fast forward six months later, her username shows up tons of time, only her username, followed by the name of a famous website where sex workers go live and you can chat with them one on one, or watch their lives or text them, tip them, make requests etc...

To me that is way different from porn and is a form of cheating.
I confronted my husband about it who promised me that it was just a random username, that there were plenty of people and he doesn't just look that one up, and that he never ever spoke to her privately or tipped her or anything. That it was just like any other form of pornography as he wasn't interacting with her and promised me he would stop going on that live website since it hurts me so much.

A few days ago, he passes me his phone to look something up and in the most recent search her username and the name of the website appears again.

That night I ask him if he still goes on that website and watches that girl. He swears by God that he doesn't and stopped and it was all all the past. I told him I had seen what he had been looking up and he admitted to it.
Once again he promised me he never interacted with her and that she was just a random username amongst the many others.

Thing is its always only her username that pops up. I'm wondering if he's saying the truth or if he's lying to me.
I'm also very hurt that he promised me he would never do it again and lied to me.

He told me to search up one of his emails to prove he doesn't have an account and he doesn't.
But that's only one of his emails.
I asked him to check the email he uses for FB and he told me had changed his FB email, which was true.

I still asked me to show me the old FB Hotmail account and he showed me his old uni one instead.

I don't know what to think.
He did tell me he had privacy issues anyways so he wouldn't create an account. But would that explain the change to his Facebook email too? He keeps changing his emails on other websites too which makes me so confused

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 16/02/2022 04:53

That night I ask him if he still goes on that website and watches that girl. He swears by God that he doesn't and stopped and it was all all the past. I told him I had seen what he had been looking up and he admitted to it.

He swore to your face he was telling you the truth, and only admitted lying when you proved him wrong. He's a liar who is happy to blatantly lie to your face. So you can't trust him to be honest.

He told me to search up one of his emails to prove he doesn't have an account and he doesn't. But that's only one of his emails.
I asked him to check the email he uses for FB and he told me had changed his FB email, which was true.

This smacks to me of him thinking he's outsmarting you. I bet any money he has created other email addresses you aren't aware of. He's trying to "prove" his innocence here, whereas the better way to prove himself to you would have been truthful and not blatantly lied to your face.

Whether anyone classified this as cheating or not, it's kind of irrelevant. He's happy to deceive you to your face.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 04:56

Thank you for your reply. You are right.

The most frustrating thing is that he himself told me that watching porn alone was cheating. The irony.

You're right that I can't trust him after he blatantly lied to me

OP posts:
AdultingInTheCountryside · 16/02/2022 04:59

He’s lying, he interacts with this girl and definitely watches her on a regular basis. If he’s not getting help he’s not sorting the problem. How is your sex life?

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 05:01

I don't know if I should use his laptop to check or if that would be immoral. He's left it.

I try my best in our sex life, but even when we have sex everyday and tells me I satisfy him he still goes on these websites

OP posts:
Frigginintheriggin · 16/02/2022 05:18

If he is disregarding your boundaries and feelings AND clearly lying to you for his own smutty 'addiction ' then you have a choice to make.
Paying young women on only fans or similar is creepy and inappropriate when you have said marriage vows.
He is a liar. Changing passwords, liar.
Very sorry this is happening to you.
What will you do?

Nat90 · 16/02/2022 05:23

He’s lying.
Get rid.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 05:24

I'm very conflicted as to what to do. Parts of me wants to leave but another part wonders if it would be overreacting if i did for him lying about it as I'm not sure he did interact with her. But my gut feelings are screaming to be careful.
He also watches both the lives and recordings, so it makes me wonder if he watches the recodings because he interacted in the lives. And if he watches the recordings then what's the point in waiting for her to be online to watch her lives if he doesn't interact with her?

The recording website also only offers 20s of free recordings after which you have to sign up. He told me he didn't have an account there either which makes me question why he would bother just constantly watching 20s videos.

It's not Only fans it's Chatur

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 16/02/2022 05:26

Imagine a life where non of this features at all, then look at the angst he gives you. Is it worth hanging on? Only you can answer that. Perhaps you could delve into his financials, follow the money to see how far it's got, but you know he's already crossed a line into web camming which is a step up from porn. How much eroding of boundaries will you take?

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 05:29

You're right.
He disrespects my boundaries in many aspects of life.
He told me to check his finances for the past few weeks, but these websites sometime hide the motive for what you paid for and he could have bought tokens months and months ago

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 16/02/2022 05:36

How much is he spending on watching this woman? Is he interacting with her? He is, isn't he?

You are being a doormat. Forget any 'moral' objections, check up on his laptop or phone if you want to. Though I think you know enough already.

So what now? Hang around being his wank-sock while he gives his interest, attention, time and money to some woman online?

Ah, I see you already know he's interacting. Well, there you go.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 05:45

Checking now
You're absolutely right

OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 05:57

He's got a password on

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 16/02/2022 06:14

He’s a addict to porn. It’s hard to break without help. He doesn’t want help does he. He’s lying to you. Do you want sex everyday? Do not do it to fix him or help him or think you will be enough for him.
You need to start thinking of your needs and wants. Not his. He’s doing what he wants isn’t he.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 06:19

I don't know what I'm supposed to do this situation.
How do I go about my needs and wants? I told them to him and he still chose to break my trust.
He constantly makes false promises

OP posts:
SayMumOneMoreTime · 16/02/2022 07:21

This situation won't go away by itself, he won't suddenly see the light and stop this behaviour because he's set it up so you can't really complain. He's made it an illness which you are lovingly supporting him with, but refuses to get any treatment for or address in any way. He's made it your problem.

If it never changes and your boundaries are eroded bit by bit by his behaviour, where is the line? Is it going to lap dancing clubs? Paying for sex? Having an affair? How long do you want to feel how you feel right now? It sounds like he has no reason to change his behaviour. You weren't really happy with him watching porn but tried to be understanding, now he's watching live porn and interacting and lying to your face. If you keep accepting the behaviour it will keep escalating.

You deserve better. At the very least you deserve acknowledgement and validation of your feelings and a partner who takes responsibility for his actions. You don't have this in your current relationship. Imagine meeting someone who only wants to be with you, who respects your boundaries, who considers you in every part of their life. You can have that, you sound like a loving and decent person.

He's not showing you any consideration or respect. If you can realise this you probably won't want to be with him any more.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 07:41

Thank you. It's indeed been draining and me enabling him has made his behaviour worst in many aspects.
He always tells me that being angry at him and not forgiving him was me being an immature child.
He always gaslights me.
I won't let this one go

OP posts:
hoadinthetole · 16/02/2022 08:16

Life with a porn addict is hell. Just leave.

Not only are they notoriously shit in bed, they tend to live a life of lies and deceit.

The shit they're watching isn't real, it's all airbrushing/ camera angles and editing. It's all fake. But they're so sucked in by it that they'll go to any lengths to hide it or minimise it from their 'partner' without a second thought of what it might do to them. They normalise it and then make you feel like you're being unreasonable for questioning it.

They're selfish wankers. Literally.

You don't have to tolerate him tugging on his dick to other women OP, you know what you need to do. If you stay, you'll be posting this again in a year/ 2 years/ 10 years. It won't get better.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 13:02

Thank you for your insight and help

OP posts:
layladomino · 16/02/2022 13:09

He is so clearly lying to you. And that alone should be relationship-ending. Without trust and respect a relationship is nothing. And yours doesn't have either.

Add to that
The gaslighting.
He expects you to do all the supporting (while he refuses to get profesional help).
The porn addiction
He makes out you're in the wrong when HE'S THE ONE WITH THE PORN 'ADDICTION', CONTACTING ANOTHER WOMAN REGULARLY, THE LYING, THE GASLIGHTING.

He is 100% in the wrong and yet you're expected to support and overlook. And criticised when you don't.

He doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much better than him.

You will never be able to trust him.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 13:21

The lying alone is indeed very serious.

I'm tired of the gaslighting and I can't trust him.

I want to leave him a message or call him before he comes back. I know he will change my mind if I do it after he's back.
What should I say and how can I express how serious this whole thing is to me?

OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 14:28

Or should I not leave him a message?

OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 17:53

I've packed up my things to have some time alone to think. I hope I'm doing the right thing

OP posts:
Fl0w3ry · 16/02/2022 18:35

Men like this don’t change. They always find ways of justifying their behaviour or hiding their behaviour. They say they will stop, but never do. It’s an addiction that is as destructive as any other addiction. The only difference between a porn addiction and other addictions is it doesn’t destroy the addict. Being married or in a relationship with a porn addict just destroys the partner and any kids in the long run. It’s completely selfish behaviour. If you are able you should just leave him. Don’t let him give you any more excuses. Don’t let him get his violin out with his sob stories and try and manipulate you. Don’t let him gaslight you again. Leave him to his sad fantasies on his computer/phone and find yourself a real man who you deserve.

AdamRyan · 16/02/2022 18:40

@hoadinthetole

Life with a porn addict is hell. Just leave.

Not only are they notoriously shit in bed, they tend to live a life of lies and deceit.

The shit they're watching isn't real, it's all airbrushing/ camera angles and editing. It's all fake. But they're so sucked in by it that they'll go to any lengths to hide it or minimise it from their 'partner' without a second thought of what it might do to them. They normalise it and then make you feel like you're being unreasonable for questioning it.

They're selfish wankers. Literally.

You don't have to tolerate him tugging on his dick to other women OP, you know what you need to do. If you stay, you'll be posting this again in a year/ 2 years/ 10 years. It won't get better.

This. Trust your instinct OP and get out, it won't get better and is very damaging to live with.
AdamRyan · 16/02/2022 18:46

@Dorenado

I've packed up my things to have some time alone to think. I hope I'm doing the right thing
You are doing the right thing. I forgave my porn and webcam addicted exH, we carried on for 5 years when I found he was doing it again and spent thousands on it. Tbh I don't even think addiction is a thing, I think they feel entitled to sex and use "addiction" as a convenient sob story to feed that entitlement. Anyway you will feel worse if you stay, ime anxiety is through the roof about what they are doing if they are up late/on their phone a lot etc, as the trust is gone. The lying/gaslighting is more damaging than the actual porn.