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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he cheating?

73 replies

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 04:48

Hi 👋

My husband has had an addiction to porn, starting a few years before we met.

He's confessed it to me and I've been trying to be as supportive as possible towards him.

He refuses therapy (doesn't like the concept of it) so I've tried my best to assist him in the ways I could.

I personally don't consider porn to be cheating although it does hurt me a tiny bit. But I've never criticised him for it.

Things got a bit different a few months ago.
So first of all, six months prior to that, when we were on his computer, I kept seeing one username pop up in his recently searched for history (when you type something on the url bar). I didn't think much of it at first but as it appeared again and again I started getting a bit curious as it is a girly username, looked it up on Instagram, found nothing and just thought nothing of it and forgot about it.

Fast forward six months later, her username shows up tons of time, only her username, followed by the name of a famous website where sex workers go live and you can chat with them one on one, or watch their lives or text them, tip them, make requests etc...

To me that is way different from porn and is a form of cheating.
I confronted my husband about it who promised me that it was just a random username, that there were plenty of people and he doesn't just look that one up, and that he never ever spoke to her privately or tipped her or anything. That it was just like any other form of pornography as he wasn't interacting with her and promised me he would stop going on that live website since it hurts me so much.

A few days ago, he passes me his phone to look something up and in the most recent search her username and the name of the website appears again.

That night I ask him if he still goes on that website and watches that girl. He swears by God that he doesn't and stopped and it was all all the past. I told him I had seen what he had been looking up and he admitted to it.
Once again he promised me he never interacted with her and that she was just a random username amongst the many others.

Thing is its always only her username that pops up. I'm wondering if he's saying the truth or if he's lying to me.
I'm also very hurt that he promised me he would never do it again and lied to me.

He told me to search up one of his emails to prove he doesn't have an account and he doesn't.
But that's only one of his emails.
I asked him to check the email he uses for FB and he told me had changed his FB email, which was true.

I still asked me to show me the old FB Hotmail account and he showed me his old uni one instead.

I don't know what to think.
He did tell me he had privacy issues anyways so he wouldn't create an account. But would that explain the change to his Facebook email too? He keeps changing his emails on other websites too which makes me so confused

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 16/02/2022 18:57

Go first, message him later, day you need time to think, don't tell him how long, he needs to sweat over it. Try to instill no contact as he will just gaslight you. Now you've seen on here that most if not all women would have a problem with it and would not accept it. Him claiming it's not that big a deal and claiming you are bein OTT, is actual BS and has caused you to underreact until now.
You really would have to search the world's population very hard to find a woman who would be fine with it.

girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 19:01

Leaving to protect yourself is the right thing to do.
If you choose to stay with him I'd make him give up all his tech and get therapy to be honest.
You can't trust him and he needs to earn that trust again.
He's a liar and a gaslighter.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:03

Thank you all.

I know he has an account on these websites because there is no way he would spend ages on a recording website with 20 s to 1 min long videos. It's live chats so the beginning of the videos are just people talking or waiting on the audience to come. There's no point to that.

He doesn't believe in therapy and thinks it's on the contrary detrimental. He put that burden on me and lied to me on top of it all. I can't know when he's saying the truth or not anymore.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 19:09

@Dorenado

Thank you all.

I know he has an account on these websites because there is no way he would spend ages on a recording website with 20 s to 1 min long videos. It's live chats so the beginning of the videos are just people talking or waiting on the audience to come. There's no point to that.

He doesn't believe in therapy and thinks it's on the contrary detrimental. He put that burden on me and lied to me on top of it all. I can't know when he's saying the truth or not anymore.

He doesn't get a say about the therapy anymore. He doesn't think it's detrimental - he just doesn't want to admit it to anyone else. If he wants to save the marriage he gets treatment. Tell him it's a dealbreaker. He's called the shots and got worse, not better.
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:16

I will do that. This comes on top of so many other things that have my marriage very difficult. It's the straw that broke the camel's back

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 19:18

Make sure if you do choose to go back you work towards the marriage you want. You deserve happiness and respect and love Thanks

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:24

I also found out on the same day that he was plotting and talking behind my back to his mum, a couple of weeks after we almost split up because he told deep secrets he swore not to share with anyone, less than a couple of weeks after I had told him, with his mother.

He promised me he would never talk behind my back anymore and he broke his promise once again.

Turns out when I was at his cousin's house, he called his mum and his mum called the cousin to ask her what I had told her and what we had talked about, also telling her to "talk to me" as in to vent the qualities of her son, maybe?

On Christmas day, after the secret incident, he got very angry at me and told me it was over right that instance and that I were to leave (we were staying at his family's house and I was far from home).
He asked me to stay with a random stranger on the street, which had watched the scene and intervened after he had refused to give me my stuff back so he could go inside and grab my bag.

Lo and behold, he goes inside crying and tells his whole extended family that I had gotten angry and ran away with a stranger.
Only him and his mother know the truth.

That's probably why they didn't want me talking

OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:24

@girlmom21

Make sure if you do choose to go back you work towards the marriage you want. You deserve happiness and respect and love Thanks
Thank you, you're so kind. I unfortunately don't think I'm important enough to him for him to make any efforts.
OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:26

@Dorenado

I also found out on the same day that he was plotting and talking behind my back to his mum, a couple of weeks after we almost split up because he told deep secrets he swore not to share with anyone, less than a couple of weeks after I had told him, with his mother.

He promised me he would never talk behind my back anymore and he broke his promise once again.

Turns out when I was at his cousin's house, he called his mum and his mum called the cousin to ask her what I had told her and what we had talked about, also telling her to "talk to me" as in to vent the qualities of her son, maybe?

On Christmas day, after the secret incident, he got very angry at me and told me it was over right that instance and that I were to leave (we were staying at his family's house and I was far from home).
He asked me to stay with a random stranger on the street, which had watched the scene and intervened after he had refused to give me my stuff back so he could go inside and grab my bag.

Lo and behold, he goes inside crying and tells his whole extended family that I had gotten angry and ran away with a stranger.
Only him and his mother know the truth.

That's probably why they didn't want me talking

Sorry, my point in the story was that I'm raging
OP posts:
lopape · 16/02/2022 19:31

You re right to leave. He's useless, he's abusive, he's lying and cheating ... there's just too much to work. I wouldn't accept any promises of therapy or anything . Just bye!

I appreciate that's very hard for you but it's the first step towards a happy life where you can meet a decent man. Also, not to sound condescending but have you considered therapy for yourself? Just to make sure your self worth is there and not to allow those type of people in your life again. Not that it's your fault that he's an asshole but you should have left sooner from what you're saying

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:38

You're right, I will consider therapy.

I should have left a lot sooner but love and hope made my blind.

I'm heavily pregnant and he went on vacation, leaving me alone without a phone, after once again he promised me and lied the he will get me one before leaving, as I begged him (he's the main breadwinner) and told him I wanted to be able to reach the hospital or emergencies if needs be. A week after the midwife told us I could get complications anytime.

I'm so stupid.

This is my second relationship and the first one was with a sexually abusive man, so I thought I had hope and that this was as good as it got.

OP posts:
lopape · 16/02/2022 19:42

That's horrible, I'm so sorry! Must be really hard going though all this especially when pregnant. I hope you have a good support system around you. Try to reach out to people in real life as well Thanks

Shiteshow100 · 16/02/2022 19:44

I was in this situation. I found the true extent on cookies and cache on his phone. He was deleting history.
There were hook up sites, prostitutes, dating sites etc you name it it was there.
Leave... Just leave...

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:45

It was, but I believe I will learn from this.

I'm starting afresh, away from all that injustice, and perhaps one day I will meet the right person.

Thankfully I've got amazing people supporting me and amazing people on this forum.

OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 19:46

@Shiteshow100

I was in this situation. I found the true extent on cookies and cache on his phone. He was deleting history. There were hook up sites, prostitutes, dating sites etc you name it it was there. Leave... Just leave...
I'm sorry you went through this
OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 16/02/2022 20:00

I know a man who had a porn addiction and it just got worse and worse and he kept justifying it and hiding it. Usually starts with porn then addicted to it then web cab girls or the sites you mentioned the live stuff and then can go onto escorts. He is gaslighting you and trying to make out that you are the problem/issue. He will just get worse and worse and this will have a terrible effect on your health physically and mentally. I could not be putting up with that as he does not want to change or get help and thinks he is doing no wrong and spending how much money on it all.
Imagine if you were doing this, would he be so understanding. Even if you leave and he promises to get counselling and change do not believe him as he is an addict and it would turn me right off to think of him there wanking himself silly. Bet he is crap in bed also as probably has death grip.
Not a life you signed up for and you deserve so much better, a loving relationship without all the lies and seediness.

Go before he gets home and stay with a friend, family or a hotel if you can, you can think clearly when you are away from him for a few days and what advise would you give say your daughter or friend if they were in this situation. Wishing you well and please put yourself first.

BOOTS52 · 16/02/2022 20:03

You will be fine and calmer and safer alone with your baby. He is abusive and left you in that situation. I am staying single at 52 as just easier. Take time out from men completely and concentrate on you and your baby and talk to someone about boundaries. I wish I had mumsnet back in the day when I was younger as it would have been such a help as many of us put up with stuff that we should not have to as we feel no other choice. Hope you are ok. Great advise on here and post anytime.

BOOTS52 · 16/02/2022 20:06

He is a gaslighting narcissist and he does not have your back. He is talking about you behind your back, I had this also and it is soul destroying and trying to make you look like the bad one. Please leave and do not look back. Ring Women's Aid and you will get some help towards a better future. He is highly abusive and will get worse when the baby arrives. Keep us updated.

AdamRyan · 16/02/2022 20:10

He doesn't believe in therapy and thinks it's on the contrary detrimental. He put that burden on me and lied to me on top of it all. I can't know when he's saying the truth or not anymore.
He doesn't believe in therapy because he doesn't want to change. He wants you to change, either to meet his sexual entitlement or to accept the cams etc as his "addiction".
Even if he gets therapy, I'd expect him to come back and tell you all the ways you've caused his behaviour.
Ugh. Poor you. FlowersCake for you x

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/02/2022 20:15

He's just a pathetic gaslighter. Utterly pathetic individual. I can't believe you married him knowing he was addicted to porn. I'd have been gone as soon as he revealed that little gem. Not your problem to fix and support him with.

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 20:46

@BOOTS52

He is a gaslighting narcissist and he does not have your back. He is talking about you behind your back, I had this also and it is soul destroying and trying to make you look like the bad one. Please leave and do not look back. Ring Women's Aid and you will get some help towards a better future. He is highly abusive and will get worse when the baby arrives. Keep us updated.
Thank you so much for your insight and kind and encouraging words. I've got a place booked from tomorrow for a couple of weeks while I figure out something more permanent. I will keep you updated
OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 20:47

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

He's just a pathetic gaslighter. Utterly pathetic individual. I can't believe you married him knowing he was addicted to porn. I'd have been gone as soon as he revealed that little gem. Not your problem to fix and support him with.
He unfortunately didn't tell me about his addiction until soon after we got married. I definitely can't help him with it.
OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 20:49

@AdamRyan

He doesn't believe in therapy and thinks it's on the contrary detrimental. He put that burden on me and lied to me on top of it all. I can't know when he's saying the truth or not anymore. He doesn't believe in therapy because he doesn't want to change. He wants you to change, either to meet his sexual entitlement or to accept the cams etc as his "addiction". Even if he gets therapy, I'd expect him to come back and tell you all the ways you've caused his behaviour. Ugh. Poor you. FlowersCake for you x
That's a very good point. He does not seem to make any efforts towards the addiction and talks about how he always prays to God that he heals it. But he recently told me that now he prayed for God to forgive him for what he did, as he doesn't do it anymore. All lies ofcourse
OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 23:24

All packed up and can't wait for tomorrow morning to leave.
My husband knows I'm leaving, he said fine and told me to leave the keys at the letting agency, so I will do that.

OP posts:
Millicent2022 · 16/02/2022 23:29

OP - you’re worth a million times more! Gross,get rid of him! why on earth would you want a man wanking over porn 24/7 . You deserve a trillion times more !!! Let him be single wanking away alone I would !