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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he cheating?

73 replies

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 04:48

Hi 👋

My husband has had an addiction to porn, starting a few years before we met.

He's confessed it to me and I've been trying to be as supportive as possible towards him.

He refuses therapy (doesn't like the concept of it) so I've tried my best to assist him in the ways I could.

I personally don't consider porn to be cheating although it does hurt me a tiny bit. But I've never criticised him for it.

Things got a bit different a few months ago.
So first of all, six months prior to that, when we were on his computer, I kept seeing one username pop up in his recently searched for history (when you type something on the url bar). I didn't think much of it at first but as it appeared again and again I started getting a bit curious as it is a girly username, looked it up on Instagram, found nothing and just thought nothing of it and forgot about it.

Fast forward six months later, her username shows up tons of time, only her username, followed by the name of a famous website where sex workers go live and you can chat with them one on one, or watch their lives or text them, tip them, make requests etc...

To me that is way different from porn and is a form of cheating.
I confronted my husband about it who promised me that it was just a random username, that there were plenty of people and he doesn't just look that one up, and that he never ever spoke to her privately or tipped her or anything. That it was just like any other form of pornography as he wasn't interacting with her and promised me he would stop going on that live website since it hurts me so much.

A few days ago, he passes me his phone to look something up and in the most recent search her username and the name of the website appears again.

That night I ask him if he still goes on that website and watches that girl. He swears by God that he doesn't and stopped and it was all all the past. I told him I had seen what he had been looking up and he admitted to it.
Once again he promised me he never interacted with her and that she was just a random username amongst the many others.

Thing is its always only her username that pops up. I'm wondering if he's saying the truth or if he's lying to me.
I'm also very hurt that he promised me he would never do it again and lied to me.

He told me to search up one of his emails to prove he doesn't have an account and he doesn't.
But that's only one of his emails.
I asked him to check the email he uses for FB and he told me had changed his FB email, which was true.

I still asked me to show me the old FB Hotmail account and he showed me his old uni one instead.

I don't know what to think.
He did tell me he had privacy issues anyways so he wouldn't create an account. But would that explain the change to his Facebook email too? He keeps changing his emails on other websites too which makes me so confused

OP posts:
Millicent2022 · 16/02/2022 23:31

Sorry just saw you are leaving - good for you !

Dorenado · 16/02/2022 23:41

I cried too many tears for him throughout all he's made me go through, while he didn't give a crap.

I am grieving what I imagined our marriage could have been and feel deep sadness. I know I will still feel his presence for a bit and that it will take getting used to, and I'm scared about the unknown, when I thought my future was settled and figured out.
But I feel even more relief and peace because I know this is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Dorenado · 16/02/2022 23:42

@Millicent2022

Sorry just saw you are leaving - good for you !
Thank you xx means a lot
OP posts:
Millicent2022 · 16/02/2022 23:54

@Dorenado

I cried too many tears for him throughout all he's made me go through, while he didn't give a crap.

I am grieving what I imagined our marriage could have been and feel deep sadness. I know I will still feel his presence for a bit and that it will take getting used to, and I'm scared about the unknown, when I thought my future was settled and figured out.
But I feel even more relief and peace because I know this is the right thing to do.

Definitely is the right thing. You can’t have a fulfilling relationship with addict of any sort because they aren’t there !

All the best - you’ll be happier than you can imagine ! X

Dorenado · 17/02/2022 00:05

Thank you xx

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 17/02/2022 01:08

Just saw your update, you are very brave and no one knows the true extent of a person's porn as they are very good at keeping it a secret so do not ever blame yourself. It will be difficult but it will get easier I promise and you will learn to love yourself and value yourself and not need validation by any man. He has brought you down so much and going out of his way to make you unhappy as he is not happy in himself. Only he can change himself and he does not want to. He is very abusive treating you like that in the street and then trying to blame you. Am older and wiser and believe me you will get through this and he will try to get you back but if you go back it will be worse as he will punish you for leaving him in the first place. Be strong and keep getting support on here and from family/friends/support groups anything. When you are away from him it will be easier to think straight and you will look back in a year and be glad you left. Wishing you well and some peace and happiness. Some great advise from all the lovely women on here.

Dorenado · 17/02/2022 02:21

You're too kind. Believe me, im not strong at all.
It took me months of contact with Women's Aid and tons of deal breakers of all sorts for me to gather the courage to finally leave.
And I know I wouldn't have been able to if he was physically here. And it's taking me 3 sleepless nights and I can't stomach anything. I lost count of how many times I've cried yesterday and today alone and had to call my family to remind me of what was done to me.
I've been writing a message to send him, and I've changed it a hundred times and have to take tons of breaks when sadness starts getting the best of me.

I think he and his family are starting to believe I'm really leaving or something. Because he tried contacting my mum multiple times and sent his cousin to my cousin to check if I had left or not yet. His parents keep messaging me about how much they miss and love me lol. All nonsense

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 17/02/2022 07:35

Thank goodness you're leaving. Apart from anything else I can't believe he risked you and your baby's lives leaving you without a phone Shock
Best wishes and stay strong. He's horrible.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2022 08:11

Well done. Focus on the future now what do you want your life to be like?

ThatLibraryMiss · 17/02/2022 09:58

@Dorenado

You're right, I will consider therapy.

I should have left a lot sooner but love and hope made my blind.

I'm heavily pregnant and he went on vacation, leaving me alone without a phone, after once again he promised me and lied the he will get me one before leaving, as I begged him (he's the main breadwinner) and told him I wanted to be able to reach the hospital or emergencies if needs be. A week after the midwife told us I could get complications anytime.

I'm so stupid.

This is my second relationship and the first one was with a sexually abusive man, so I thought I had hope and that this was as good as it got.

Did you have a thread about your situation deleted because you had privacy concerns earlier this week? If so, I'm glad you managed to get a phone to call your parents.
Shiteshow100 · 17/02/2022 13:00

Good for you.
When I left my ex I was really hurt. This was a man I was engaged to, lived with and loved. To find out what he did/was doing, was the ultimate betrayal.
I still see him around now and then and to me he's the most vile thing ever but it took me nearly a year to get over it.
I found trusting my own decisions aftwr the gaslighting the worst and I was left really confused with zero confidence.
I now have an amazing partner who I haven't had to question once and a baby due in June. Life is good and I'm grateful I left his vile arse. Keep strong 💪 xxx

IrishKatie1971 · 17/02/2022 13:00

You sound like you might be the same lady who posted about being pregnant without a phone earlier this week... and her partner had left her? If so, ouch, your back story REALLY is something. This man is beyond selfish, he is abusive, and one of the REALLY horrid things about him is the bullshit about praying to God that he can heal and God is helping him crap. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ex abuser was EXACTLY the same. Swearing on his son's life that he never cheated, praying ardently in front of me... all the while looking for hook-ups online and the moment I was miles away, or we had an argument, straight onto his dating sites and multiple FB accounts. But he believed in God and THAT was his cover... worked for a while. Thought I had found a kind, moral man. Boy was I wrong.... he wore a mask the entire time we were together, but snorted coke and probably worse for all I know, went to sex clubs and prostitutes, ALWAYS pointed out local brothels... like WTAF??? But denied it all on his son's life.... These men are LIFE WRECKERS. Literally wrecking balls for your life if you don't find out what they really are. Leave and go stay with a friend or go to a refuge. Get as many of your precious possessions as you can and then seek legal advice.

Kimbob33 · 17/02/2022 18:29

@Dorenado

You're too kind. Believe me, im not strong at all. It took me months of contact with Women's Aid and tons of deal breakers of all sorts for me to gather the courage to finally leave. And I know I wouldn't have been able to if he was physically here. And it's taking me 3 sleepless nights and I can't stomach anything. I lost count of how many times I've cried yesterday and today alone and had to call my family to remind me of what was done to me. I've been writing a message to send him, and I've changed it a hundred times and have to take tons of breaks when sadness starts getting the best of me.

I think he and his family are starting to believe I'm really leaving or something. Because he tried contacting my mum multiple times and sent his cousin to my cousin to check if I had left or not yet. His parents keep messaging me about how much they miss and love me lol. All nonsense

Hope you are ok OP xx DaffodilDaffodilDaffodil
BookFiend4Life · 17/02/2022 18:43

OP I've seen a lot of your threads, I'm so glad you're leaving, you can have a beautiful, happy and healthy life without him and his crazy family.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/02/2022 18:55

It’s interesting isn’t it , I feel like so many on here, I’ve not told my H I know what he’s doing most days when I’m out as its actually quite handy keeping an eye on it whilst I build my strength and cash up to be able to say f this— but no doubt there will be many coming on here saying it’s really no big deal— it may not be a big deal to these people and if both parties are ok with it and it’s open and known about, but I do wish some would understand that frequent use is a massive turn off for lots of women - and for them it’s as big a deal as if they were a gambler, alcoholic, drug user. As someone said the only difference really is it’s mostly free and doesn’t physically harm them as such— but it can certainly cause partners mental harm and for them to lose affection, desire and trust

BOOTS52 · 17/02/2022 19:01

well done. Believe me I have been there and left when my son a baby and never looked back and felt such relief and peace and could concentrate on my baby. Which I did let him see regularly at my mum's but you are brave and putting yourself out of harm's way. It is not easy and financially was so hard but things will come together. Do not let him know where you are. Get all the support you need and if he harasses you get legal advice and get an order that he has to stay away from you. Everyone is rooting for you on here so anytime come on if you feeling overwhelmed and low as we are all here to support you. xx

Melkam · 17/02/2022 19:07

Im not against watching porn. I actually watch it sometimes when im alone in an empty house. I only watch amateur stuff (real normal chubby people....ha ha) like when people send in videos of themselves (or someone has sent it in without them knowing) having sex or whatever.

Does this mean I have a problem?

I just use it as a stimulus and a trigger to arousal and consequent masturbation (jesus....why am i telling you lot this?)

Now im worried im not normal.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2022 19:41

@Melkam

Im not against watching porn. I actually watch it sometimes when im alone in an empty house. I only watch amateur stuff (real normal chubby people....ha ha) like when people send in videos of themselves (or someone has sent it in without them knowing) having sex or whatever.

Does this mean I have a problem?

I just use it as a stimulus and a trigger to arousal and consequent masturbation (jesus....why am i telling you lot this?)

Now im worried im not normal.

There's a world of difference between this and obsessively wanking for hours a day, or paying women to do online live sex shows for you. Both of which are things "porn addicts" do
Dorenado · 17/02/2022 20:20

Hi again everyone,

Thank you so much for all your support. It means the world to me. You're amazing people

I just got to my new temporary place. Will try and find something more permanent in a week or two.
Just hoping to God that I've made the right choice.

OP posts:
SnowWhite123 · 17/02/2022 22:18

Dorenado,

I don't often post on here. But just stumbled across your thread and had to comment.

Well done on you for leaving. I hope you get the peace now that you deserve. Rest before your new little one arrives.

The reason I comment -
I found out my partner of 12 years has an account on the exact same website last week. I was stood next to him as he read through some emails, and saw the website name. After some digging, I've also found he's been spending £70 a time. It adds up to £350 alone, just from the end of November 2021 until now. We have a 7 month old son. I'm horrified and don't know what to do. As of now, he doesn't know that I know.

I just wanted to comment to applaud you for your bravery in leaving. I am not that brave yet.

hoadinthetole · 18/02/2022 07:28

@Melkam

Im not against watching porn. I actually watch it sometimes when im alone in an empty house. I only watch amateur stuff (real normal chubby people....ha ha) like when people send in videos of themselves (or someone has sent it in without them knowing) having sex or whatever.

Does this mean I have a problem?

I just use it as a stimulus and a trigger to arousal and consequent masturbation (jesus....why am i telling you lot this?)

Now im worried im not normal.

Nobodies 'normal' is the same so we can't tell you if you are or not. Slightly disturbing that you're happy watching videos of people who don't know it's been sent in, fairly sure there's a law against that Confused

Personally for me, ANY porn watching is a huge turn off and always has been. I find it all a bit sad and grim. In short, no idea if you're normal or not but I wouldn't date you Grin

Crikeyalmighty · 18/02/2022 10:04

@hoadinthetole. Yep I agree- I am actually even more anti partners watching the ‘amateur’ stuff than I am bog standard filmed, mainly because I am very conscious if anyone has uploaded stuff they have filmed on the quiet with an unknowing partner— it does happen- there are some weird people around

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2022 11:07

[quote Crikeyalmighty]@hoadinthetole. Yep I agree- I am actually even more anti partners watching the ‘amateur’ stuff than I am bog standard filmed, mainly because I am very conscious if anyone has uploaded stuff they have filmed on the quiet with an unknowing partner— it does happen- there are some weird people around[/quote]
Why do you watch specifically that type then if you see the ethical concerns and risk of people being filmed and shared without their knowledge? I don't get it, if you know that it's more likely you're watching someone who is unaware in 'amateur' porn then aren't you worried that you get off on it?

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