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Original poster

His death was agonising to watch … **MNHQ adding content warning**

70 replies

Dumbanddumber20 · 15/02/2022 23:53

My grandfather died today - he’s been in a care home for the past 10 months . He went downhill very quickly during the first lockdown . From a though elderly man who still drove short distances , had his favourite pub , his allotment and his daily routine and the first lockdown changed all that . Because of the lockdowns it was near impossible to get a diagnosis let alone good care from his gp but we muddled through as a family as distressing as it was till last February when he had a very large “episode” combined with two falls and he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He was then after two months diagnosed with mixed dementia and moved in to a care home .. he was never the same again especially with the limitations on visits and how much we could see him or do , but we made it work. Until today .
They went to raise him from his usual lie in and he had a massive stroke , they did everything right but because of the DNR and his condition it was decided to keep him at the home .
From 3:30 until 7:26 pm I watched the man who took over the job of raising me cry out in pain (despite the medication to ease him) fight for every single breath , and his body seeming to consort In complete agony … I’ve never seen nor did i expect his death to be like that . I thought his death would be a release from the pain and suffering, that his mind would finally be at peace again , but it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch … I don’t know why I am even writing this , but I’m sat here and all I keep thinking about is how he never deserved that and I don’t know how to process what I saw

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 15/02/2022 23:58

Ah @Dumbanddumber20, that's shit.Sad I'm sorry your grandfather had to go through that and I'm sorry you had to as well.Brew

Anniegetyourgun76 · 15/02/2022 23:59

I'm so sorry 💐 xxx

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 00:02

Flowers That’s not what any of us hope for. I’m so sorry. He sounds like a fabulous man. Not many grandfathers take over rearing their DGC.

Imabouttoexplode · 16/02/2022 00:05

I'm so sorry. Nothing can prepare you for seeing someone suffer like that and there are no soothing words really to make it any better. You will go through the full card index of emotions for a long time to come and process it all over time. Nobody should have to suffer like that but sadly they do and it's a burden we have to carry with us. I'm sorry again for your loss and for the trauma you've been through.

Original poster
Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 00:05

Thank you all , he was a genuinely great man … I don’t know why I’m so in shock I’ve been desperate for him to have peace from that horrible disease, but I think I imagined he would just slip away quietly … the drugs just didn’t seem to reach him. His carer stayed after her shift was finished so she could be with him and even she was very distressed by it

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 00:06

All I kept thinking was I’ve had two dogs put to sleep and they went with so much more peace and less suffering than he did

OP posts:
Bumptious22 · 16/02/2022 00:08

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know someone with more knowledge will be along soon but i have heard that end of life agitation, although difficult to witness, isn't always an indicator of pain or stress. I was comforted by this during the death of my Mum, but do correct me if I'm wrong.

Bumptious22 · 16/02/2022 00:09

Cross post 💐

ShavingTheBadger · 16/02/2022 00:09

I’m sorry you and he had to go through that. My dad had a tough time when he left us 17 years ago. Please give yourself time to grieve and work through it in your own time.

One thing that helped was coming across this podcast. For me, it took away a lot of the mystery and misunderstanding about the process of death. I will never forget that night at the hospice holding my dad’s hand when he died, but listening to this made me realise that he probably wasn’t in as much discomfort or pain as I had previously thought. There’s a section on what happens to a person before death - what senses go first, what the usual process is, how much the person is aware of and how much is just an unconscious reflex, and It’s helped me an enormous amount. After I listened to this I rang the hospice (after all that time!) and asked if I could have a chat with a palliative care nurse. They arranged this for me and she confirmed a lot of what was covered in the podcast.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0011sgf

Shablam · 16/02/2022 00:13

This sounds utterly heartbreaking. He is at peace now, try to take comfort from that. I am so very sorry for your loss, and for how incredibly distressing it was Flowers

StopStartStop · 16/02/2022 00:13

I am sorry for your loss and for what your grandfather, you and his carer had to go through. Thank you for sharing this, as we rarely hear what we should expect.

Original poster
Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 00:17

[quote ShavingTheBadger]I’m sorry you and he had to go through that. My dad had a tough time when he left us 17 years ago. Please give yourself time to grieve and work through it in your own time.

One thing that helped was coming across this podcast. For me, it took away a lot of the mystery and misunderstanding about the process of death. I will never forget that night at the hospice holding my dad’s hand when he died, but listening to this made me realise that he probably wasn’t in as much discomfort or pain as I had previously thought. There’s a section on what happens to a person before death - what senses go first, what the usual process is, how much the person is aware of and how much is just an unconscious reflex, and It’s helped me an enormous amount. After I listened to this I rang the hospice (after all that time!) and asked if I could have a chat with a palliative care nurse. They arranged this for me and she confirmed a lot of what was covered in the podcast.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0011sgf[/quote]
Thank you I will save this to give it a listen . The district nurse who administered his pain relief admitted to us he was in pain , and she did as much as she could to relieve it but said he was fighting it …
I expected the rattle of the breathing , and some jerking I’ve heard stories from friends about their relatives passing but I didn’t expect his cries I think that’s almost what’s haunting me most .
The home I can’t fault , all restrictions were lifted for us and for the first time since he went into hospital I was allowed to hold his hands without gloves and not wear a mask . He had covid over Xmas and that didn’t beat him , he sailed though with mild symptoms - it just seems such a wrong ending for a man who spent his life giving his all to his family and served the public in his job before he retired from the police .

OP posts:
Needmorecoffeeandcake · 16/02/2022 00:18

I felt the same about my dad recently. I thought they would give him more drugs in the hospice so he slipped away in his sleep. They did not. I concluded we treat dogs better and am still struggling to process it. I’m so sorry for your loss and pain.

Original poster
Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 00:20

Thank you all for the kind condolences… I wish I hadn’t been so naive , I don’t know how I could have prepared though.

OP posts:
BordelDeMerde · 16/02/2022 00:22

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely grandfather, sweetheart. It must have been so hard for you to go through that. The main thing is that you were there with him and you held his hand through it all. That's all that anyone wants- that their loved ones are with them. Be proud of yourself; you did what was necessary, even though it was really hard. Hugs to you. Xxx

Original poster
Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 00:22

Me and my niece who were the two family members there at the end because the district nurse had advised because of his distress that we take turns two at a time made a pact that we would never allow that to happen to one another … which seems silly I suppose to anyone else but we have both sworn to it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 00:24

@BordelDeMerde

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely grandfather, sweetheart. It must have been so hard for you to go through that. The main thing is that you were there with him and you held his hand through it all. That's all that anyone wants- that their loved ones are with them. Be proud of yourself; you did what was necessary, even though it was really hard. Hugs to you. Xxx
Thank you . That made me cry which I think I need …he passed just as I had finished listing to him every person who loved him and how wonderful he had been to us all , and how lucky we were to have him .
OP posts:
SirenSays · 16/02/2022 00:26

I'm so sorry OP 💐 Sending you love and strength

Suzanne999 · 16/02/2022 00:28

I’m so sorry. Your grandad sounds like a lovely man.
You couldn’t have prepared yourself for the end, I don’t think any of us can really. You did everything you could.

KloppsTeeth · 16/02/2022 02:13

I’m so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful man, and I’m sure everything you have done for him will bring you comfort.
He likely won’t have been aware of his body contorting. When my son has a seizure, it looks horrific but he has no idea what is happening, it is all electrical charges zapping about his brain and causing his muscles to contort. When he comes round he can’t remember any of it. I’m sure your grandfather would’ve been greatly comforted to know how much he was loved.

SuperSocks · 16/02/2022 03:13

he passed just as I had finished listing to him every person who loved him and how wonderful he had been to us all , and how lucky we were to have him .

Now that is something special. That is something you will always be able to hold on to as something you could do for him.

headspin10 · 16/02/2022 03:37

This is so so sad. You have done such a great thing for him!! To have you there with him takes guts (especially as you described it Sad) and means so much. Really well done.

In time this awful memory will become less sharp and you will remember more of him as he was before, with his allotment etc. (I find just writing helps. You can write anything you are thinking or feeling).

Also this sounds strange, but your love for each other doesn't end just because he's not here physically any more. So sorry for your loss. Thanks

AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 03:59

Op you sound like a wonderful granddaughter and how lucky was he to have you in his life. You were with him, take comfort from that. I'm sorry for your loss, sending you a great big hug and lots of love xx

Citylady88 · 16/02/2022 04:49

I'm very sorry for your loss. I do hope you have someone in real life to speak about your distress with also. I had a similar experience, people talk about peaceful deaths but I think it can be the opposite and to see it is traumatizing. Please don't let your feelings be minimised by people who think they know better because their experience was different. In time it will be easier to focus on the life he led and remember less of the end.

Goatinthegarden · 16/02/2022 05:29

I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather.

I don’t have any advice, but I understand how you must feel. My dad died in a hospice just before Christmas. He suffered badly from cancer and a stroke; undergoing painful treatments and operations for three years before he died. He then spent about 70 hours in a hospice ‘actively dying’. The hospice staff were wonderful. We’re told he wouldn’t have been aware of much, but it was a very hard process to watch and they did struggle to control his pain.

I’ve since heard tales from others who have experienced similar situations. I do wish rules could be changed regarding euthanasia, I know my dad would have wanted to die quickly and peacefully.

Be proud that you were with him until the end and take comfort from the fact that he is not suffering now. Try to focus on his life before illness took hold and remember the man that he was.