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Original poster

His death was agonising to watch … MNHQ adding content warning

70 replies

Dumbanddumber20 · 15/02/2022 23:53

My grandfather died today - he’s been in a care home for the past 10 months . He went downhill very quickly during the first lockdown . From a though elderly man who still drove short distances , had his favourite pub , his allotment and his daily routine and the first lockdown changed all that . Because of the lockdowns it was near impossible to get a diagnosis let alone good care from his gp but we muddled through as a family as distressing as it was till last February when he had a very large “episode” combined with two falls and he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He was then after two months diagnosed with mixed dementia and moved in to a care home .. he was never the same again especially with the limitations on visits and how much we could see him or do , but we made it work. Until today .
They went to raise him from his usual lie in and he had a massive stroke , they did everything right but because of the DNR and his condition it was decided to keep him at the home .
From 3:30 until 7:26 pm I watched the man who took over the job of raising me cry out in pain (despite the medication to ease him) fight for every single breath , and his body seeming to consort In complete agony … I’ve never seen nor did i expect his death to be like that . I thought his death would be a release from the pain and suffering, that his mind would finally be at peace again , but it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch … I don’t know why I am even writing this , but I’m sat here and all I keep thinking about is how he never deserved that and I don’t know how to process what I saw

OP posts:

Elderflower14 · 16/02/2022 06:15

So sorry.....

Lanareyrey · 16/02/2022 07:03

I’m so sorry for your loss and what you had to go through. I watched my grandmother die and I was traumatised for years. There is a lot of good information out there on the dying process and it’s certainly helped me come to terms with it. There is also a palliative care nurse on TikTok who’s old channel is dedicated to the dying process which I have found very helpful.

RedFlagsAllOver · 16/02/2022 07:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my dad. I wasn't there right at the very end. I saw him 2 hours before.
It's heartbreaking seeing the ones we love die. I'm having a hard time excepting it all and feel guilty.
My dad had dementia, he started having falls at home and could no longer cope. He ended up in hospital. Sent home with a care package but the next day the District nurse found him at home confused and kept falling over so he was taken back in in, waiting for a nursing home placement. While back in hospital he pulled his picc line out. He had been having transfusions to keep him alive, due to a blood disorder. They couldn't give him anymore without a picc line and he died a couple of weeks later. I feel so guilty that I didn't do more to look after him. I tried but I was just physically unable to lift him , and help with care needs. It just broke my heart seeing him in hospital every day asking for his grandchildren.

Malibuismysecrethome · 16/02/2022 07:43

I’m so sorry for your grandad you must be traumatised. I’m sorry he wasn’t given sufficient medication to assist him. Horrendous for him and you.

MNHQ

HopeMumsnet · 16/02/2022 07:48

We have been asked to add a content warning, Dandd20, so we've done that but we also wanted to come on and say how sad we are that such a beloved man has died. He sounds like he must have lived a very good life indeed.

Hufflespuff · 16/02/2022 07:49

I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact you had to see this. The care home should have been able to sedate or medicate him so he didn't have to go through that.

My dad died last year and was heavily medicated until the end so although it was more peaceful it was still very hard to watch such a strong, vibrant man gradually waste away. Please take some comfort that your grandad is no longer in pain. He can no longer know or remember the suffering he experienced. It is you who will have to deal with that trauma now. So please look after yourself. Sending so much love.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 16/02/2022 08:05

I think the fact that television always shows death as a timely and peaceful passing away has contributed to our shock at the reality of it which is often more lengthy, messy, traumatic and awful. Just like giving birth is not the waters - twinge - gasp - birth that Eastenders seems so fond of. Those births, and deaths, do exist of course but often aren’t most people’s experience.

I think that when you do encounter the reality of it, in all its heart-breaking awfulness, you can be proud that you did what you could - you stayed, you told and showed him he was loved, you kept him company, you did everything you could. The grief of his passing will never go, although time blunts it, but you should equally carry that pride forward. I’m sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 11:35

Thank you all for such lovely kind messages , it’s a lot easier to accept them from strangers sadly than it is your family and friends .
That sounds odd I know but I think and have found people still don’t like talking about dementia or the realities of it let alone a very traumatic death … and for those who’s had similar horrifying experiences I am so sorry and I think now I realise you can never mean that as much as when you have witnessed it yourself …
I didn’t sleep a wink I couldn’t get the images out of my head or the noise I think most of all , but today It’s sunny and he was a strong believer that the cure for all ills was the outside so that is my plan just to walk and let myself feel what I need too.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 16/02/2022 11:53

I’m so sorry for not only your loss of a beloved grandfather but the torment you’ve suffered.

Being beside your grandfather will have brought you some comfort, that you were there to hold his hand and tell him you loved him

Please listen to the pp podcast

And thank you for posting OP and keep talking about how you feel, talk to your own go about your experience and how it’s made you feel

But do take splice in the fact you helped on this journey 💐

MRSAHILL · 16/02/2022 12:05

My beautiful mum died an agonising death at home (she lived with me). I was by her side throughout and it is something that I will never forget or get over. It was 7 years ago and I have had to just learn to live with it. I tell myself that at least her suffering is over now and I try and remember the many happy times we had together. My heart goes out to you.

yearsago · 16/02/2022 12:05

I am so sorry for your loss and the distress you and your grandfather experienced. It is so unfortunate that happened as it seems that everyone was trying to do their best.
My dad was fortunate to pass away in his care home with good care and support.
My poor mum though died a slow, agonising death in a busy, noisy ward, all because the so called palliative care doctor was on a complete power trip and refused point blank to allow her to be transferred to the hospice. It was many years ago but I will never get over it. I don't know the answer tbh.

RB68 · 16/02/2022 12:16

I am so sorry for your family's loss. You do need to focus on his release, he will have known you were around him. It is extremely hard when people die like this, it is not easy for the observers or the person themselves. We lost Mum over a period of about 4 years then several large strokes over about a month. My Dad again he had a massive episode and stroked out. Its distressing and there is deep trauma.

Its not immediately critical but it would be a really good idea to look at some form of counselling to work through it all.

Focus on celebrating his life and times for now and tell lots of stories. It really is the best way

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/02/2022 12:25

I’m so sorry for your loss and the circumstances OP we do treat dogs better

User1isnotavailable · 16/02/2022 12:28

Suzi888 · 16/02/2022 12:32

I’m so sorry that must have been heartbreaking.
There needs to be more talk of diseases and death and more done to alleviate suffering like this.

Couchbettato · 16/02/2022 12:34

@Dumbanddumber20

All I kept thinking was I’ve had two dogs put to sleep and they went with so much more peace and less suffering than he did

Years ago, mg grandfather finally succumbed to COPD after about 30 years of suffering and at least 20 years of being housebound and hooked up to a ventilator for the majority of the day. It's like you could see him dying every day, and he was in so much pain and had no quality of life.

I recently had my dog put down and I expected to feel the same kind of grief I felt when my grandad eventually passed but I didn't. I felt such relief, and it made me realise if I could choose that for all of my loved ones when the time was right, I would.

I have a lot of "what if it was too early?" thoughts, but better a week too early than a day too late.

I feel so much for you right now. You'll be feeling all of the feelings. It feels like they've been robbed of their right to die with dignity, and you feel powerless because what good would challenging it do now?

Be kind to yourself, and your inner child and love yourself like he loved you. Give yourself the time and space you need.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

PearlclutchersInc · 16/02/2022 12:51

I am so, so sorry. Watching a close family member pass away is very difficult.

ThreeLocusts · 16/02/2022 12:59

I'm so sorry this happened. You'd think they had palliative pain management all worked out, but there seems to be very little they can do against the discomfort that comes with trouble breathing... I saw something similar recently with my godmother.

The important thing is that you were there and that you stayed with him throughout. Absolutely the best thing you could have done. Take care.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 16/02/2022 13:11

I'm so sorry that happened to your lovely grandfather. It's so fucking unfair that someone can live a long life, being a good person and then have to die in such a painful and undignified way. I felt exactly like that about my poor lovely mum.

Original poster

Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 13:51

@MostIneptThatEverStepped

Yes I have felt a lot of this since the dementia started and then yesterday kind of capped it off … I know no one really deserves either but my god it seems so wrong . I’ve experienced death of loved ones before but in I suppose alot more of a detached way so this feels very much like the first time . I wish the constant nausea would disappear, I’ve tried eating past it and it didn’t end well… my family aren’t an emotional bunch more carry on as normal so it almost feels wrong to feel so much .

OP posts:

Original poster

Dumbanddumber20 · 16/02/2022 13:53

@ThreeLocusts

The important thing is that you were there and that you stayed with him throughout. Absolutely the best thing you could have done. Take care.

Yes I did imagine that there would be more in place but I won’t criticise the home or his care but it did seem a guessing game esp with dosage , and I don’t think they expected him to fight so hard against it .

OP posts:

SisterRuth · 16/02/2022 14:18

I'm so sad for you & your dear grandfather. It's a beautiful thing you did for him, being there & telling him all the names of the people who loved him. Bless your heart. I so agree that we treat animals better than humans when they reach that stage; it's insane isn't it?! My mam was in similar distress as she died & it was awful to witness. I'm still desperately ashamed that I actually shouted at her, trying to get her to quieten down so as not to disturb other people! Appalling thing to do and I loved her so so much. I think I was just a bit out of my mind with it all. Genuinely the only comfort is that it didn't last longer & that they are in peace now. Bless you for staying with him.

Comtesse · 16/02/2022 14:19

I’m so sorry OP. You did something very brave for your grandfather. I don’t know you but I am proud of you for what you did. It does seem like we treat our pets with more dignity than our family members sometimes. Don’t force yourself to eat if you can’t face it. Tea with sugar and some big big hugs

theqentity · 16/02/2022 14:22

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my mum like this. It wasn't peaceful or dignified and it traumatised me. Definitely look at counselling.

TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 14:26

@ThreeLocusts

The important thing is that you were there and that you stayed with him throughout. Absolutely the best thing you could have done. Take care.

Unfortunately palliative care is only in place if you actively ask, demand and set it up yourself. Or at least that has been my experience with my FIL :(

The more ive looked into it, the more it seems that it’s not just a DNR that needs to be out in place but also and end of life care package agreed way before things go down hill.

@Dumbanddumber20 I’m really sorry and hope you will be able to make peace with his death. The fact he died just as tou finished the list if all the people that love and care for him is telling. And shows how much support and love you have given him right to the end

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His death was agonising to watch … **MNHQ adding content warning**

His death was agonising to watch … MNHQ adding content warning