Have you ever been friends with someone who has adhd? What put you off them?

[Gj63]

In the neurodiverse sub group it's surprised me how many of us don't have many / any good friends.

I would love to know from neuro typical people if you've ever been put off being friends with someone with adhd? And what was it in particular?

I find it so hard to make friends. I am not particularly hyperactive and over the years I've learned to be more relaxed. I also don't use adhd as an excuse for anything but still find it hard to make friends

I'd appreciate honesty. Do people with adhd give off a different vibe?

My partner has adhd and we were friends many years before we got together, but I didn't know about it before we got together.

My mum and brother have ADHD, and I have difficult relationships with both of them. Not because they give of any kind of vibe or their personality, but their ADHD means that they are both incredibly unreliable, and often forget that we arranged to meet or are late by an hour or so. If I reply to my brothers message pretty much instantly, it could take him 3 days to get back to me and he'll just say "oh I forgot." I dont know if this is ADHD related, but they also don't ever think to ask after me. While pregnant my brother didn't ask how I was feeling once. The only time he has messaged me first in the past 3 years or so was to ask if he could borrow money because he forgot that he had a bill coming out. Me and my family had Covid at the time and he didn't think to ask if we were okay. When I explain that these things upset me and make me feel unloved, they both say its their ADHD and they don't mean anything by it 🤷‍♀️ I love them both but it does make me pull back, because I feel its always me that has to message, arrange meeting up, ask about their lives etc

My DD is 13. Her best friend since they were both 5 has ADHD. She understands him really well, what he can cope with and what he can't she looks out from him at school and has been known to approach staff when she feels they aren't supporting him properly. However even she gets frustrated with the unreliability and his tendency to drop her if something more interesting comes along. I don't say this to be mean - I'm really proud of how supportive she is and he is a lovely boy but also a dippy reenager!

My best friend has ADHD and yes, sometimes it is challenging. He is forgetful, impulsive, talks over me, doesn't listen, does ridiculous things that I can see a mile off will be a terrible idea but I have to bite my tongue...
On the other hand, he has my back in every way. He genuinely saved my life once. He is generous, caring, empathetic, and makes me laugh like a drain. I admire his energy and creativity so much.
I know he finds it hard though. Very hard, sometimes.

Bollocks is that to do with ADHD @SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder - he sounds like a selfish pr*ck. Three out of the four of us in my family have ADHD. None of us are thoughtless. Dd can be a bit flaky and we are all forgetful but not when it matters. We write notes, leave reminders, set alarms because we know we can't rely on our brains the way other people can.

I have a friend who has ADHD and she is great but she NEVER stops talking! It's quite exhausting trying to fight your way into the conversation but she's lovely so I cope with it because she's worth the hassle of getting in a word edgeways for!

Having ADHD doesn't mean you get to excuse crappy behaviour on it. Forgetful and easily distracted yes, thoughtless and selfish, no.

My best friend has ADHD. I've known her since primary school so I now know what's 'her' and what's her ADHD, I think if I didn't know that it would be frustrating - stuff like messaging to say are you free today when actually we already had plans together on that day, or her tendency to get distracted by the next shiny thing which could make it seem like she was a bit flighty or not the person you thought she was as it changes so often (this can be people, work, hobbies, I never know if her opinion will have done a total 360 by the next time we talk about something!).

If I were to meet a new friend with ADHD I'd probably want to know they had it and what that meant for them, it would save misunderstanding the type of person they really were.

I have a friend with an ADHD diagnosis who really struggles to maintain friendships. She has me and another friend who've known her all of her life and will stick by her, but she displays a lot of Rejection Sesnsivite Dysphoria like behaviours and that make friendships difficult.

DH has ADHD. It can be frustrating when I'm talking to him and I can see in his eyes that his mind is on something else, which is always confirmed when he changes the subject when the conversation isn't over. He's crap at remembering things that aren't overly important but you would expect him to remember if he cared about you e.g. if you told him you had a doctor's appointment tomorrow, he wouldn't remember to ask about it when the time came. It comes across as him just not caring when he'd say that's absolutely not the case. He's not hyperactive at all, but his brother, who also has ADHD, can be. He talks incredibly fast too. Wouldn't put me off being friends with him but I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes need to sneak off to another room for a breather 😬

I wouldn’t let this put me off. My best friend has it and is the life and soul of the party - no awkward silences, that’s for sure

In reality we all have flaws, but as friends we sometimes choose to look the other way.

My son in his early 20s has adult diagnosed ADHD for which he takes medication— he is a truly lovely caring lad , the downsides are that he’s unreliable, a bit thoughtless and struggles with prioritising things. He can also talk the hind legs off a donkey and can be quite tiring.

I went out with someone with ADHD for a while. (Actually, 2, but the other one wasn't diagnosed and it was only after going out with the 2nd one I realised what could have been behind the issues with him.) I found it hard to get genuine engagement with him (them). He was clever, funny, interesting, energising. But every opportunity for connection was reduced or broken by an impulse- to joke, to get distracted, to minimise. Of course, it could have been that he just didn't want to really connect with me!

You learn pretty early that you are a nuisance and disappointment to the people around you and to distrust those that seem to pretend otherwise. At work I try to make sure to behave as "normal" as possible, privately I keep direct contact with people to a minimum, too stressful for me to keep up apearances for long.
Luckily DH and DC are neurodiverse, too, so we muddle along.

My ex was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult
But then after we'd split up I also found out he was also diagnosed with personality disorder.
All of our troubles he used to put down to ADHD and it felt like he was just ADHD. Not him but just ADHD in the end. That's how it felt cos it would just be like 'it's my ADHD.' but it was used as an excuse for all our troubles.

A good friend of mine has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She is marvelous. Full or energy and ideas and always getting people together. She is a massive extrovert and people generally love her. No ADHD negatives on the friendship front at all.

I'm discovering my ADHD now - was mis diagnosed as dyspraxic as a child, haven't had an official diagnosis bar on online test but oh gosh this resonates. I must be a nightmare to be friends with, thankfully I do have a couple of very good friends who accept me and my many flaws! I know I talk too much, lose stuff, forget stuff, get distracted easily, go off topic, make lots of jokes, lose my keys every ten minutes. I'm sure I have some good points too, but I think the other bits can overwhelm.

DS has adhd and I love him dearly but he's a fucking nightmare. He is unpredictable and dangerous. He 27 and regularly does things like climb scaffolding and break his ankle, carry out citizens arrests, complain about senior members of staff, set off on a journey but end up going somewhere else as it caught his interest. He is incredibly good looking and a serial monogamist dumped by every girl he has ever dated as he is so exhausting. My blood runs cold when I see yet another lovely girl start dating him. He has two main male friends, both of whom regularly phone me up even now to tell me what mad thing he has just done and how they just can't take responsibility for him anymore. They always do though. Sorry this will not be what you wanted to hear.

This is my experience as I have some friends with ADHD.
I think what can put people off is that some of the traits can look like narcissism or even a personality disorder.
Eg they seem to “check out” when you’re talking yet it’s alright for them to rabbit on about their obsession that you’re not interested in. This comes across as narcissistic ie “one rule for me one rule for you”

@MrsPsmalls I assume he's been professionally diagnosed, and if so, did they ever recommend any treatment?

@BigPantsLittlePants

Bollocks is that to do with ADHD *@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder - he sounds like a selfish prck. Three out of the four of us in my family have ADHD. None of us are thoughtless. Dd can be a bit flaky and we are all forgetful but not when it matters. We write notes, leave reminders, set alarms because we know we can't rely on our brains the way other people can.

I have a friend who has ADHD and she is great but she NEVER stops talking! It's quite exhausting trying to fight your way into the conversation but she's lovely so I cope with it because she's worth the hassle of getting in a word edgeways for!

Having ADHD doesn't mean you get to excuse crappy behaviour on it. Forgetful and easily distracted yes, thoughtless and selfish, no.

@BigPantsLittlePants yes I suspect that you are right and that behaviour is more to do with him being a bit of an asshole rather than ADHD 😅

My dd has ADHD. For me it always seems like 'it's all about her'. She does what she wants and it's hard to persuade her to do what anyone else wants. On family holidays she would often opt out of day trips etc as she got older. She is also not great at conversation as she loses interest easily, but is very good at social chit chat with strangers. She gets quite obsessive about interests or people - current obsession is her boyfriend. She also easily gets upset and can't immediately deal with that or hide it, so that leads to awkward situations, eg at work. On the plus side, she recovers quickly and apologises easily. She is forgetful but, if motivated, can organise and plan quite well. She also has a fear of being late to anything, so that helps with getting organised.

She makes friends quite easily but they often don't last - though she has improved as she's got older (now early 20s). She will eventually drop someone completely if they upset her too much, with others she doesn't put the effort in to maintain them.

OP everyone with ADHD is different and it really depends on how it affects you.

I have a friend with ADHD and bipolar, I know that when I make plans with her there is a 80-90% chance she will cancel or not turn up because she has got distracted with something else.

I have adhd and I’ve always struggled with friendships. I make friends easily enough because I’m friendly, chatty, outgoing and I sometimes even hang on to them…but I don’t fare well in social groups. Often the Queen Bee will take against me imagining me a threat…while others will follow suit. I’m often misunderstood as being a show off but my desire to be in the limelight over others is zero…I’m just bouncy, expressive and a bit loud. I’m actually a team player who wants none of the responsibility of being in charge.

So yes, I’m a bit marmite I think. At the age of 46 now I’ve accepted it and developed the good sense to concentrate on those who enjoy me as I am. I have some really good friends and I’m grateful for that.

Oh…I’m not a flake btw. It might take a while to get a hold of me but if I commit to a date with you, I will be there come hell or high water.

I do talk too much.

I dated someone with ADHD and what put me off was lack of attention span to me, he was eternally distracted like a child. But on the flip side, he was great fun and I loved being around him for the fun times. Op, of someone is your friend, they are your friend regardless and won't get put off.

I've got ASD and have friends with ADHD. I really like them but a little goes a long way! It wouldn't work for me to be close friends and spend a lot of time with people like this as it would be too challenging for me. They are unpredictable, talk a lot rather intensely, can be unreliable, and have a kind of chaotic energy that is exciting but also tiring. My ASD means I need friends to be more calm and reliable if we're going to be close trusted friends. They are wonderful people though, creative, interesting, and not afraid to be different. They don't seem to have problems making friends although I wonder if they have a large number of more fleeting friends rather than a few steady close friends.