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Original poster

Have you ever been friends with someone who has adhd? What put you off them?

72 replies

Gj63 · 15/02/2022 21:33

In the neurodiverse sub group it's surprised me how many of us don't have many / any good friends.

I would love to know from neuro typical people if you've ever been put off being friends with someone with adhd? And what was it in particular?

I find it so hard to make friends. I am not particularly hyperactive and over the years I've learned to be more relaxed. I also don't use adhd as an excuse for anything but still find it hard to make friends

I'd appreciate honesty. Do people with adhd give off a different vibe?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 16/02/2022 12:22

I pretty much only have friends who are neurodiverse! (I have ADHD) Some of them are undiagnosed but the longer we go in life the more of them get a diagnosis and I am fairly sure that it's just that we attract each other.

Neurotypical people IME get upset or offended or think you don't care if you don't contact them for a while. For me everything, including people, are "out of sight, out of mind" and this is no indication of the strength of my feelings. Unless said person is the subject of a current obsession, e.g. a new relationship, a shared interest, then that will be popping into my head a lot of the time. For neurotypical people that isn't the case and they will be thinking about their friends roughly equally and wondering how they are etc. It is seen as flaky to be totally full on one week and totally absent the next. Whereas for my friends who are more neurodiverse it doesn't matter and we can catch up every few months and it always feels like it was just yesterday, text each other daily for a week or two following and then forget the other person exists for half a year and the cycle repeats again.

Also, my sense of time is separate for every track of my life. So it doesn't matter if I last spoke to somebody three months ago, to me if there has been no contact in between and no events relating specifically to that person, I often feel like I just spoke to them last week and I won't realise that it has been a long time. That can bother a lot of neurotypical people because it is perceived as not caring or only getting in touch when you want something. I thought about setting up kind of a reminder system so I can see when I last contacted somebody and prompt me to call/text/whatever people regularly, but I think people would be quite offended if they felt they were a "chore" that had to be ticked off a list.

I get on best with people who don't mind if I am late (generally because they are often late themselves and I genuinely don't mind that either) and who won't judge my house for being messy or me for looking unfashionable and unkempt.

I do best with organised regular activities where I know I go to X location every (other) Wednesday and some people I know will be there. But I am not very good at setting these things up because I struggle with planning and consistency, and most people don't need to set up recurring events like this because they remember to stay in touch without that, and people have busy lives and don't want to be tied down like that.

CourtRand · 16/02/2022 13:12

Haven't been put off that I know of... I don't know anyone who's told me they have ADHD tbh.

Original poster

Gj63 · 16/02/2022 15:43

Thanks a lot everyone. It gives me for the future

OP posts:

ThisTownAintBigEnoughForBoth · 16/02/2022 16:03

Pictish I hope my post didn't upset you. I think my ADHD friends are amazing women and I actually wish I could be more comfortable with people like this and spend more time with them. It's my own ASD that stops me from being able to, I find the spontaneity and unpredictability too challenging to deal with.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/02/2022 16:06

My son is autistic
And reading over the holidays I’ve realised I share many many traits
Many ! It’s been very eye opening
I’ve also been an anxious meltdown person all my life

In reviewing my close friends I definitely have closer relationship with others who are more like me
And I find my highly nt friendships more challenging

UghFletcher · 16/02/2022 16:11

There are a number of people in my friendship group with ADHD (all diagnosed later in life)

It's chaotic at times but I love the bones of them and wouldn't change them for the world. We have mastered the art of multiple conversations going on in the WhatsApp groups 👌

pictish · 16/02/2022 18:31

@ThisTownAintBigEnoughForBoth

Not in the least. I simply felt seen.

joliefolle · 16/02/2022 19:31

OP you asked about RSD - one of the things I would say holds my friend back is also that she is reluctant to commit to help (therapy, medication etc) which could help alleviate the RSD because she can’t bear the judgement from professionals whom she’s adamant are NTs who are laughing at her. She just about copes with the fact that I’m ‘so bloody functional and NT’ because she knows I’ve had 30 years of opportunity to reject her and not done so yet. But even with me, she can get very wound up at perceived criticism and gets flooded with shame. I would say she has other stuff going on too perhaps but ADD might well exacerbate RSD, and of course she only got her diagnosis in her late 40s and so had many years of growing up being made to feel ‘wrong’ and ´abnormal’ and ´neurotic’ by teachers and parents etc

Woahthehorsey · 16/02/2022 22:52

I had a friend with ADHD, the friendship has definitely wanted. Mainly because she was very disorganized, would double book me all the time, cancel plans last minute. It felt really like she had no consideration for me. She does struggle to maintain friendships, and I really did try but in the end it felt like I didn't matter to her. She said I did but her actions said otherwise.

Woahthehorsey · 16/02/2022 22:53

*waned not wanted

Siameasy · 16/02/2022 23:36

I think I have ADHD but have procrastinated (ha!) for years over seeking a diagnosis (fear of ridicule looms large).

I talk LOADS and I’m quite earnest and hyper focused and I’ve felt disapproval over this.

TheCountessOfGrantham · 17/02/2022 10:47

My husband has ADHD and I think his tendency to add masses of irrelevant detail and go off on a tangent in speech, plus his lack of filter puts a lot of people off. He has no close friends and it's sad because he is so friendly and he so wants someone to go to the pub with or something. When younger, he had more female friends because he isn't threatening and I think women are more forgiving and tolerant, whereas men tend to ditch people.

My Dad, a "Man's man", told me he finds my husband to be unsettling and irritating. My brother in law says he "can't get a decent read on him." My female friends think he's wonderful. It's hard to know who will be accepting and nice to him!

Newnamefor2022 · 17/02/2022 13:23

I've got several friends with ADHD and I value their friendship greatly. They are fab.

@BertieBotts your post was really helpful, thank you. One of my ADHD friends won't be in touch for a while, but is always keen to hear from me when I get in touch. Your post helped me understand why that might be.

Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2022 15:33

Had a flatmate with it once. Unfortimayely she'd leave ovens on and the front door open and all sort of risky shit xD so I didn't stay with her long.

The other issue I had, which might be a problem in friendship is that she wasn't good wirh personal space. As in, she wouldn't let me have any. Would follow me from room to room non stop talking.

Dunno how common all that is with adhd. But I would suggest just being conscious of taking a breath and letting the other people speak and being conscious of social cues to stop talking/change the subject/let them speak/end the hang out session.

Easier said than done of course.
I think if your friends are your friends then they love you regardless though. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

Original poster

Gj63 · 17/02/2022 16:09

Again thanks everyone. It's been a good few years since I've really tried to make some friends. I recognise a lot of the old me in your posts so fingers crossed the new me will have better luck!

OP posts:

OttilieKnackered · 17/02/2022 16:19

Not a friend but a close colleague. He is incredibly unreliable. Never meets a deadline or gets to a meeting on time. In a work context it can be very difficult. He is also extremely dominant in a conversation. Extremely loud and will just talk over you/interrupt constantly. I try really hard to be understanding and take into account his ADHD but find it hard because I am basically the opposite, personality-wise.

He has some excellent traits as well for sure but I don’t think our appointment-based job suits him at all. He worked for years in something much more flexible.

OttilieKnackered · 17/02/2022 16:21

Oh and the other key trait he has is extreme paranoia/assuming the worst. Always thinks other people are out to get him.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 17/02/2022 16:31

A really good friend's partner has ADHD, diagnosed only a few years ago. Its challenging tbh. I wouldn't be friends/spend time with him if it wasn't for her.

However, I'm not sure if his ADHD, or if he's just a bit of a tool. He doesn't treat my friend well and doesn't parent his daughter much at all. He's also judgemental about my parenting choices while allowing his child to do some other fairly questionable things.

But I can see how much of an excellent friend he is to his other pals and he's generous with his skills to help people too.

I can overlook the talking over us he does though

Artichokeleaves · 17/02/2022 16:36

My dearest friend and my lovely SiL. My friend, doing 3000 things simultaneously, was a bit mind bending until I got used to it, mostly what stresses me out is how overwhelmed he can get or how tired when his sleep goes screwy, but it's upset for him rather than with him. My SiL can drive her whole family spare by losing things and taking ages to organise to get out of the door, but that's her, she does so many wonderful things including a very demanding job, and no one else in the family is perfect (or all neurotypical) either.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/02/2022 10:19

As well as my son , who I mentioned above, I have a friend who is like this. She is absolutely bat shit crazy, has so much going on its hard to keep up, but is a marvellous friend, always makes time, always in touch , values your shared fun times — I couldn’t live with her and her partner is a saint but as a friend she’s the tops!!

herbaceous · 18/02/2022 13:32

Oh my goodness.

All these traits - out of sight out of mind, talking too much and oversharing but suddenly getting bored, funny, over-sensitive to criticism - are all me. I thought they were what everyone felt, but the more I read about ADHD the more I think it explains a lot about myself.

Must contact some old friends so they know I still love them!

FabalaThropp · 18/02/2022 20:35

I have ADHD. I'm friendly, exciting and fun, and I have no friends. It's mainly because I'm unreliable and never text back. I'll be like "I'll ring so and so tomorrow" and then 3 months pass. I tend to become good friends with people who do not mind this and continue to get in touch with me anyway.

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