Have you ever been friends with someone who has adhd? What put you off them?

[Gj63]

In the neurodiverse sub group it's surprised me how many of us don't have many / any good friends.

I would love to know from neuro typical people if you've ever been put off being friends with someone with adhd? And what was it in particular?

I find it so hard to make friends. I am not particularly hyperactive and over the years I've learned to be more relaxed. I also don't use adhd as an excuse for anything but still find it hard to make friends

I'd appreciate honesty. Do people with adhd give off a different vibe?

Following

“They are unpredictable, talk a lot rather intensely, can be unreliable, and have a kind of chaotic energy that is exciting but also tiring.”

“They are wonderful people though, creative, interesting, and not afraid to be different.”

Thistown I could cry in a sense - this describes me to a T. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…but I fear I’d miss something of myself without my adhd.

Always late and sometimes would forget prior arrangements altogether. Her profuse and sincere apologies afterwards would then embarrass me and make me feel I was being unreasonable for being pissed off for - one notable example - turning up to the ballet at the interval.

Would forget birthdays and then overcompensate afterwards, which again made me feel unreasonable for not matching that level of generosity.

When she was in one of her ‘zones’ for a few weeks at a time she would ignore all my texts, and never contact me first, which made me feel a very low priority for her.

She never had contingency plans or allowed extra time for something to go wrong, so if anything did go wrong, it was immense drama and we would have to help her sort it out. Didn’t have the energy for it as I got older and had more responsibilities.

I'm married to a man with ADHD;I love the bones of him but he's bloody hard work;it's like having an extra child.

He,and two other blokes we're friends with all successfully run their own businesses and all have ADHD;in a business sense the energy created by the ADHD has been channeled into the their businesses and helped to drive them forward and the businesses give them an outlet for their ADHD.

On the downside;their all hyper focused on their jobs ,find it difficult to switch off and can all talk the hind legs off a donkey.

My female friend who has it is absolutely awesome but she is endless busy always with all the things she's involved in but again all of those things give her something to channel her energy into.

I have to say, I think there are some really positive adhd traits. Many people I’ve known with ADHD lean towards extroversion, are very funny and open and usually really warm and up to making human connections.

Though I know it comes with a huge side of overwhelm and anxiety and and a need for peace and quiet if there has been sensory overload.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

You learn pretty early that you are a nuisance and disappointment to the people around you and to distrust those that seem to pretend otherwise. At work I try to make sure to behave as "normal" as possible, privately I keep direct contact with people to a minimum, too stressful for me to keep up apearances for long. Luckily DH and DC are neurodiverse, too, so we muddle along.

Agree with everything in this post. I have no children but OH and I are in our "bubble" (he's recently accepted he is ND and is in the system for an autism diagnosis).

100% on the rejection sensitivity dysphoria - the thing I hate most about my condition. If I get the slightest hint that I may be overlooked or excluded from something (either intentionally or unintentionally) every single moment like this floods back and I feel decades worth of shame, embarrassment and "what's wrong with me?!" hitting me hard.

So I tend to keep my distance from people. I'm polite and friendly when people are to me but I don't push for friendship. The masking, trying to navigate the norms and putting yourself potentially in the firing line is too exhausting.

And I'm the opposite - I don't talk much. My executive functioning issues mean I'm burning myself out from trying to keep tracks of conversation topics and formulating an appropriate response...then when I'm ready to speak the conversation has moved on. So frustrating.

“100% on the rejection sensitivity dysphoria - the thing I hate most about my condition. If I get the slightest hint that I may be overlooked or excluded from something (either intentionally or unintentionally) every single moment like this floods back and I feel decades worth of shame, embarrassment and "what's wrong with me?!" hitting me hard.

So I tend to keep my distance from people. I'm polite and friendly when people are to me but I don't push for friendship. The masking, trying to navigate the norms and putting yourself potentially in the firing line is too exhausting.”

I relate to this entirely.

@Darhon

I have to say, I think there are some really positive adhd traits. Many people I’ve known with ADHD lean towards extroversion, are very funny and open and usually really warm and up to making human connections.

Though I know it comes with a huge side of overwhelm and anxiety and and a need for peace and quiet if there has been sensory overload.

I relate to this as well.

Interesting thread. I don’t often talk about or refer to my adhd, if at all. It’s nice to hear other peoples thoughts.

I have adhd. I have several friends actually. Thankfully I've learned to listen and yes I talk a lot. But I also know about natural pauses. We aren't some freaks of nature. What one person finds difficult, another will not. I'm intelligent but focus is really hard for me. I used to be late a lot due to my time blindness but I've worked on that a lot. I use my phone Calendar with notifications to remind me of what I need to do and when. I'm a very loyal and loving friend. I've had some friends for years and years so I know I aren't a bad person. I've actually got rid of a lot who weren't good for me. Just remember everyone is different and if someone is an arsehole, that's not because of adhd. It is because they are an arsehole. Simple as.

I have cousins with ADHD/ADD/ASD and they are not that similar to each other so if I had a friend with any of those diagnoses I'm not sure I'd know if they didn't tell me.
My cousins some of them I get on with better than others but I don't argue with/not want to see any of them.
The thoughtless thing pp are mentioning I think is personality because while some of the people in my family may be flaky when it comes to arrangements they would all contact me to see how I was if there was something wrong and put themselves out to help me if necessary.
I think sometimes friendships work better when people are different to each other but we tend to seek out those like us.
I am very lazy but have high energy sometimes flaky friends. It works because I'm happy to allow them make and change plans for a meetup without getting annoyed at the changes and they are happy to take the lead without getting annoyed at my passivity.

My DS has ADHD. He has some good friends, but from the outside looking in his main issues in friendships are the following…

He gets bored quickly he’s very much a ‘here and now’ so can flit from friend to friend depending on what he wants to do currently and do can probably seem dismissive.

He is impatient and can be mardy if he doesn’t get his way or something is off plan.

Both things I am trying to teach him better skills in.

On the flip side he is very caring, funny and fun to be around.

I try very hard to be polite and more reserved but it’s patchy at best. Inevitably my enthusiasm will bubble over and I’m sharing ideas, information, anecdotes and whatever else. I can’t control it.

It’s true to say I have much better reciprocal conversational skills and less impulsivity as an adult in my 40s. That’s a long term work in progress. I have matured out of some of the more embarrassing adhd traits now.

I have been in a relationship with a man with ADHD. Never again. He had an explosive temper and very fixed views. No idea if these are linked to his ADHD, though.

Thanks everyone who has replied. I'm pretty reserved, always remember people's important dates and am a good listener.

Maybe I put people off by being too reserved?

joliefolle Tue 15-Feb-22 22:09:31
I have a friend with an ADHD diagnosis who really struggles to maintain friendships. She has me and another friend who've known her all of her life and will stick by her, but she displays a lot of Rejection Sesnsivite Dysphoria like behaviours and that make friendships difficult.

@joliefolle I only learned about RSD recently and I know I used to be a people pleaser. I try not to be now and don't think I have any of the other RSDs, though I can be a bit sensitive and inwardly used to fear rejection which I may have projected. Are there any other symptoms you are aware of?

The symptoms of RSD can vary among individuals, but they may include:

frequently or obsessively thinking about negative experiences, especially experiences of perceived or actual rejection
perceiving rejection when it is not actually occurring
viewing small rejections as catastrophic
a chronic fear of rejection
misperceiving constructive criticism, requests for more information, or neutral feedback as rejection
perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies

Oh I can be a little impatient too! I used to be quite highly strung.

As someone with ADHD my biggest issue with relationships is, “out of sight out of mind” it’s very easy for me to make no effort with someone if I go extended periods without seeing them.

The other one is that I am an oversharer and often dominate conversations especially if I’ve been drinking alcohol

I had to recently put a stop to a new relationship because the few times we had met I felt utterly exhausted afterwards. He has ADHD and even our first meeting I got the run down on his life, childhood, all the trauma, talking at me, not really listening.

I gave it a few more chances but the same thing happened, and I just couldn't handle it as I just always came away feeling depressed like I had absorbed the trauma. It is a shame as he did also say some funny/smart things but it is the trauma and too much oversharing that I just don't have the capacity to deal with.

He even knew that he was doing it but blamed it on his ADHD. So I don't know if those traits are specifically ADHD but for a new friendship without any kind of slow build up or investment in each others' lives, I walked away.

I don't mean this to be offensive and I understand it is just my one small observation.

I dont know if this is ADHD related, but they also don't ever think to ask after me.

This one is a bit tricky. I will say that I agree with PPs that he sounds like a bit of knob given everything you've said (ADHD doesn't excuse/explain all that) BUT 'out of sight, out of mind' is a well-known component of ADHD. It's just a another variation of distraction/forgetfulness. So you're right to expect him to show concern/interest when you're communicating but it's explainable that he might forget to check-in and initiate that communication.

One of my problems is rejection sensitivity, which a few posters have mentioned. It means I never text anyone to meet up in case they say no. When my eldest started school we got invitied on a few playdates and I didn't reciprocate - it definately came across that I was unfriendly/too busy/not interested but it was just I knew if someone said no I would be upset. I feel like I don't want to impose myself on anyone.

I think it's important to point out that ADHD as many know it, is very different to inattentive ADHD although there can some overlap obviously.

Mrspsmalls DS clearly displays hyperactivity which won't apply to many girls and women with inattentive ADHD, because they don't display the hyperactivity and impulsivity that ADHD sterotypically displays, most often in boys. This is why so many middle aged women are getting diagnosed now..it was missed when they were children.

What I'm trying to say is that a relationship with someone with ADHD is not necessarily comparable to a relationship with someone with ADHD (inattentive type)....

I agree with others that being unreliable is the biggest downside. I don't get a lot of time to spend with friends after family and work, so want to make the most of that time and not constantly be let down at the last minute. I need to plan to fit things in! My main thought though was that I know loads of neuro typical adults who have no friends. I was one of those for more than 10 years and it's only after joining a club locally that I have some friends. We don't do a lot together and I don't have a close 'best friend'. I've seen posts on here many times about posters who struggle to have any friends so I'm sure some of the challenges are just a result of the way we all live these days. But, appreciate it must be all the harder if you have ADHD. I'm not saying this to suggest you're making something of nothing, just that the answer might be a mix of things, some of which are related to ADHD and others not.

Talking about myself here as I'm the one with ADHD but I think the things that put some people off me are related to me being all or nothing about pretty much everything - with no consistency to it.

I talk a lot or say barely anything - I can't often find a middle ground. I'm passionate or completely apathetic - and veer from one state to the other very suddenly.

When it comes to myself, once I've lost interest (or have just stopped thinking about something), I can be really dismissive if someone starts trying to engage me in further discussion about it. I can't continue to collectively 'wonder' about something I'm bored with. I can do it if other people want to talk about their lives - just not things relating to me.

An example - I got a new job internally and there was a bit of faff involved in getting to offer stage. My colleague/friend and I would chat about it. Once I had accepted the offer, I was bored with thinking or talking about it - even though there was still to'ing and fro'ing going on about my start date. I had no interest in 'wondering', alone or together, about what was being said between my old and new bosses - I just stopped thinking about it and figured I'd know when I'd know - so I struggled with the ongoing 'what's happening with your job' questions.

I’m friends with someone who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She is lovely, very sociable with lots of friends. I’m a planner and she isn’t so it’s difficult to organise to met.