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Original poster

My partner has locked his devices

75 replies

Biscuitybiscuit · 15/02/2022 20:48

My DP has locked his phone and laptop, I have been guilty in the past of snooping and found things I wasn't happy with. We are in our fifties and have both had trust issues but have overcome many hurdles in the past and love each other to bits, he treats me so well. Should I just accept whatever he looks at on his phone is his business.

OP posts:
saraclara · 15/02/2022 20:52

I'm surprised that anyone doesn't have their devices locked. I airways have. And if I had a partner who snooped, of course I'd lock them.

Aimee1987 · 15/02/2022 20:53

I think if you have the need to snoop it's a sign of a not so great relationship.
What did you find that upset you so much?

AlDanvers · 15/02/2022 20:55

What did you find and when did you find it?

How long has he had them locked? Since the last time you snooped? Did you find something then?

saraclara · 15/02/2022 20:55

Should I just accept whatever he looks at on his phone is his business.

Of course. I wouldn't be with anyone who thought it was theirs.

I have conversations on my phone and laptop with friends where we have talked about things that they absolutely want to be between them and me, and none else. I wouldn't want anyone gaining access to my devices and reading their emotional turmoil.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 15/02/2022 20:59

Yes!! Snooping your partner's laptop or phone is completely unacceptable. I'd hate it if my h did that.

WatieKatie · 15/02/2022 21:05

I have my devices locked as a security measure. However I’d have no problem with my DP snooping as there’s nothing for him to find, not that he has the time or the inclination.

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2022 21:09

I keep my phone locked at all times. I know my boyfriend's code and he knows mine. Neither of us would snoop.

In fact, I knew my last boyfriend's too and didn't snoop.

I wouldn't snoop.

If it got to the point snooping felt necessary, the relationship would be over anyway.

gogohm · 15/02/2022 21:10

Ours are locked, that in itself isn't weird. You obviously think they are hiding something.

I know Dp's passcode, not sure if he knows mine

pollygartertidywife · 15/02/2022 21:15

MN loves to justify snooping . There is no right to justify privacy invasion.

You trust or you don't . That's it. If you distrust sufficiently to feel the need to snoop then you need to end it and leave.

That's it.

grainbow · 15/02/2022 21:16

It's normal and prudent to have devices locked as a default, especially if banking and payment apps are being used. I don't think it's acceptable to snoop on other people's devices, and DH doesn't know my codes and I don't know his (i think his uses fingerprint anyway).

gamerchick · 15/02/2022 21:16
Hmm
Original poster
Biscuitybiscuit · 15/02/2022 21:19

Found the usual undressed women. I have body issues so this didn't help at all.

OP posts:
JustMsInvisible · 15/02/2022 21:21

What we don’t know can’t hurt us
Kind of live by that rule, if I snoop I may find things. Then I have to deal with my how I feel about what I found.
If a partner is cheating/messaging beyond normal work/friend stuff they are welcome to walk out the door, it isn’t locked.

oadhkand · 15/02/2022 21:30

I agree snooping is bad and it sounds like you have major trust issues.

pollygartertidywife · 15/02/2022 21:34

If you just think of a phone/device as the modern equivalent of an old fashioned diary .. where someone's personal thoughts and activities are Contained ... then you can't go wrong.
Would you read their diary ? If yes - then you need to leave.

If no. Then don't snoop on phones either . No different.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 21:36

I used to know my DH’s code but at some point he changed it, so I changed mine too. I also leave my phone face down, two can play at that game.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2022 21:39

You sound like a nightmare. How dare you invade his privacy like that? If you don't trust him, dump him. If he has any sense he will dump you.

Traumdeuter · 15/02/2022 21:40

My devices are locked in case they get lost or stolen. It’s madness to not do that. I don’t snoop and I don’t expect snooping.

WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 21:47

I will always have locks on my devices, as they are mine and for my eyes only.

If a partner tried to snoop I would end the relationship.

If you don’t trust him then it can’t be a very happy relationship.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2022 22:09

Surely everyone has locks on their devices? Unless they literally never take them out.

It just sounds like things aren’t great btwn you, why were you snooping in the first place? Is a few pics of naked women the only issue?

TokyoTen · 15/02/2022 22:11

Both me and DP having nothing to hide. We always lock our devices. We could lose a phone even out so its more secure.

Notsuchaniceguy · 15/02/2022 22:18

Interesting thread with responses I had not expected. DW and I agreed to separate a week few week ago but are
trying for help from Relate when they can. I changed my phone lock then and have not put it back to one DW knows. She is upset by this and has told me all her friends agree that it is highly suspicious and that they give their partners open access to their phones and so on. I believed her on that hence my surprise at this thread

Her not being able to get on my phone feeds her fear that I have someone 'lined up' - which I don't. What I do have are friends I've spoken to about my struggles with who and what I am and I have also posted on here. I don't want her to read that. I don't read her phone. Ironically she turned her phone away from me tonight as I passed by. WhatsApp I think.

When we got together in our shameful emotional affair we texted a bit (20 years ago) and after we moved in together, for several years DW would insist on checking my phone a lot. She had major trust issues. She had been cheated on in the past but also had cheated herself, both with me and before me. Then I got drunk and did kiss someone else once so arguably she was right.

I think the trust thing will never be resolved. I think it may be part of what ends us.

If you struggle to trust your partner, need to check their devices, life must be hellish. If they are going to cheat they will cheat and you'll probably find out anyway. Trying to prevent it in some way by checking up on them might damage the relationship anyway.

wingscrow · 15/02/2022 22:32

Surely most people will protect their devices with a password in case they are stolen?

I also don't see why you think you should be given these passwords if this is not a shared computer/phone...Your partner is entitled to his privacy.

I must say that if I caught someone snooping on my phone/laptop, it would be the end of the relationship.

You need to deal with your issues...

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/02/2022 22:36

We both have locks on our phones but we know the passwords incase we need to access the phones. I don't snoop though.

He also has a password on his laptop but I set it up for him so I know it lol. Again I don't snoop. He just moans that it's his laptop yet all my stuff is logged in.

Sunnytwobridges · 15/02/2022 22:48

I have always locked my phone and my laptop and I'm not hiding anything, I just value my privacy. However, i feel if someone never did this but suddenly did it, then it would raise a flag for me.

I had an ex that kept all his devices out in the open, didn't care if i used any of them, but then one day he became very protective of them. if i asked to use his laptop he would get nervous and find an excuse for me not to use it. Found out he was emotionally cheating.

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